How many times has somebody upset you, and yet although
you are sure they must know what they have done, an apology
is never offered? Some people simply refuse to see the
error of their ways, some a afraid to apologize incase
their apology is rejected. Some even think that you should
automatically "know" that the other is sorry (yep, they
truly expect us to be mind readers). But if you've upset
somebody, an apology should always be offered.

Why do you need to apologize?
Without an apology, you can't expect to be forgiven. If
you've upset somebody, the chances are that they'll carry
their resentment with them. The resentment may give with
time, but it's unlikely to be completely released. An
apology opens up for the chance to talk about what
happened, put things into perspective, understand the
mistake and put it behind you.

Don't pass the buck!
The biggest mistake we do when apologizing, is to start
excusing our actions. "It's Angie's fault really, for
taking the car in the first place".....or worse, "Blame my
upbringing, if my parents hadn't have been alcoholics, I
wouldn't have got drunk and gone off with him that night".
YOU are responsible for your actions and choices, nobody
else. When apologizing it's important to show that you know
that you are responsible and are truly sorry that YOUR
actions caused hurt. Tell the person that you are sorry,
and why you are sorry. That's all. If the apology opens up
for further discussion, then it may be right to explain
further about the background for your actions, but explain
also that the mistake you made is something that you need
to learn from, so that earlier experiences won't effect
your relationship with others in that way again.

Don't offer cheap apologies
Have you ever been in a situation when you felt that you
should apologize for something that you really didn't feel
sorry about. Just because it was expected of you? Children
experience this all the time. Mum says "Tell Auntie Jane
you're sorry". But you weren't sorry. You thought Auntie
Jane deserved what she got, but because you were a child,
you had to follow orders and apologize Do you still do this
as an adult? Don't! These apologies are cheap and
meaningless. If you feel that an apology is expected, but
that you really aren't in a position to offer one, speak to
the person involved. Explain that you understand that
you've upset them in some way, and that you are sorry for
that, but explain also that you don't understand what has
upset them, or why they feel that you are to blame. Perhaps
when you see the situation from their viewpoint, you will
understand it and feel able to offer an apology. Or perhaps
the other person will understand that you are not entirely
to blame. Again, don't pass the buck, simply explain your
situation.

An eye for an eye
Somebody upset you and never offered an apology. This
annoys you, and you think "well, if she/he can do it, so
the hell can I". We often validate our actions this way.
But should you really hurt somebody simply because they
hurt you? That also validates THEIR actions. You've opened
a pathway to acceptance for this type of action. Do you
really feel that this type of action is acceptable?
Obviously not, or you wouldn't have been upset by it in the
first place. The fact that another person didn't apologize
for their action, does not mean that you should do the same
thing "to teach them a lesson". There is only one thing
worth doing: TALK! Explain that you are upset and why. If
the other person still doesn't understand or feels an
apology is in order, then accept that they have different
values to you, and reassess your relationship to them.

Allow the other person to be upset
It's important to validate the other person's feelings.
Don't start passing the buck again, by telling them that
they are overreacting. We all react differently to
situations. If the situation upset that person, then you
need to accept that. Don't say: "Big deal. I threw a glass
at the wall. It didn't hit you did it?" It's better to say
something like: "I'm sorry that I upset you. I didn't
realize you would be so upset by this. You have a right to
react and I'll make sure that it doesn't happen again."

Make sure they know why you are apologizing
Just saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough. Tell the person why
you are sorry. Something like: "I'm sorry that I didn't
call to say I'd be late. I realize it's no fun waiting
around like that, and it was inconsiderate of me" or "I'm
sorry I said you're stupid. You're not, and it was wrong of
me to let my temper take control that way." People want to
know that you understand which actions have upset them. By
admitting your mistake, and showing that you understand
where you went wrong, you show that your apology is sincere
and stand a much higher chance of being forgiven.

Be patient
Don't expect everything to be hunky dory again
immediately, just because you apologized. The other
person's hurt won't disappear on hearing the words "I'm
sorry". Give them time to release their feelings of hurt.
Allow them to talk about why they felt hurt, and listen.
Above all, don't become defensive.

Conclusion
Never ignore a situation where it's obvious the other
person is upset, and NEVER offer a cheap apology. If you
don't mean it, don't offer it. Instead, explain that you
don't understand why the other person is so upset. Talk
about it. A cheap apology is worth nothing and will solve
nothing.


-----------------------------------------------------

Sharon Jacobsen is editor/owner of WeWomen.co.uk
(http://www.wewomen.co.uk), a portal and
community for women in the UK, offering a web directory,
articles, ecards, discussion, jokes, poetry, and
lots more. Contact Sharon on sharon@wewomen.co.uk.

Playfully Speaking

Playfully Speaking