KRYCEK/SPORK SMUT FIC

Mulder sighed. 
He'd been thinking about Krycek again. Ever since he'd met him 6 years ago he'd been in love. In fact, all the spare space on his bedroom walls had gradually been covered up with pictures of Krycek. So many pictures. Luckily, Scully never showed any interest in going into his bedroom so keeping his little crush a secret from her was made considerably easier. 
Though it still pained him to see Krycek and Spork together. Spork. How could Krycek even consider that...that UTENSIL!?! 
Angrily, he threw his Alex Plush Toy to the ground, looked around once more at his bedroom walls and his shrine to Alex before resting his head hopelessly in his hands. 
"I can't go on like this," he muttered, "And I know just what to do about it."

2am, The Next Day 
Apartment Number 37, Some Apartment Block 
Mulder reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the lock pic he hadn't returned to the FBI before he had left. 
With a small click the door unlocked and Mulder slipped into the apartment. It had a sweet, flowery smell to it and from what Mulder could see from the streetlight and moonlight filtering through the window, the walls were painted a pretty shade of pink. 
He tiptoed through the lounge room, nearly tripping over a table on which was placed a medium-sized statue of a spork. 
Damn Sporks he thought angrily. 
Finally, he found the bedroom. 
He opened the door slowly and crept in. Krycek and Spork lay in bed, sound asleep. This was obvious as Krycek possessed an unfortunate snoring problem and from what Mulder could see he drooled all over his pillow too. 
Oh well, nobody's perfect 
With no time to lose, Mulder made his way towards Spork, the moonlight sparkling on Spork's prongs. He quickly made sure Spork was unconscious through the use of some chloroform and dragged Spork out of bed. 
I don't even need to tie Spork up, utensils don't have limbs! 
As Mulder made his way out of Krycek's apartment with Spork as his hostage, he left a note stuck to the prongs of the Spork statue in Krycek's living room. 

"Wake up sleepy head! Wake up sleepy head! Wake up slee..." 
"Goddammit." Krycek mumbled groggily as he turned off his Barney the Dinosaur alarm clock. 
Spork always turns off the alarm clock he thought 
"Spork?" 
Krycek looked around his room, seeing if Spork was hiding next to his arm draped over a chair in the corner or amongst his black leather jacket collection. Realising that Spork was not in the room he flung back the covers and jumped out of bed, making his way to the kitchen. 
"Spork, where are you?" he called as he searched the apartment. Bewildered, he wandered into the lounge room where he saw the large note stuck in the prongs of the statue he'd lovingly made of Spork. He smiled, glad Spork had left him a note before leaving the apartment. 
He pulled the note from the prongs and began to read, his spirits dropping rapidly with every horrible word. 
It read - 
"Dearest Alex, 
I have taken Spork. If you ever want to see SPork again, you'll have to meet me at the old, dark, incredibly creepy warehouse at 1114 Byers St. Belmont, this Saturday, 5pm. See you there! 
~Spork's Abductor~" 
"Nooooooo!!!!!" he cried, banging hihs head against the wall in frustration. "Why kidnap Spork? WHYYYY!!!!?!??!" 
He then composed himself, folded the note, placed it in his picket and went to the parking garage where he collected his car and drove off.

Alex arrived at Scully's front door on the verge of tears again, trying not to break down as he knocked and waited for her to answer. 
"Alex, what brings you here? Come in." 
"Skinner, something terrible has happened." Krycek said as he entered Scully's apartment, tears beginning to stream down his face. 
"Take a seat, what happened?" Skinner asked, motioning towards the couch. 
As Krycek began to relay the events to Skinner, Scully walked in from the nursery. 
"Honey, is Melissa II: The Sequel's bottle ready yet? And what is Alex doing here?" she asked. 
"Yes, it is and I don't know yet, he was just about to tell me." 
"Well, whatever it is, just wait until I get the baby." 
Krycek sat on the couch as Scully brought in Melissa II: The Sequel and sat down next to him. 
"What brings you here so early on Friday morning?" she asked. 
"Spork has been kidnapped!" Krycek sobbed, blowing his nose in a frilly handkerchief. 
"Oh my God. OH MY GOD!!!! SPORK! This is not happening! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Scully screamed. 
"I woke up this morning and Spork was just gone. This note was there instead." 
He handed the note to Skinner who read it aloud to Scully, prompting Krycek to cry even more. 
"You have to come with me to save Spork" said Krycek, waving his arm around in frustration. 
"Give us one good reason why Krycek," Skinner said, "I don't want to be attacked by some crazed Spork abductor. Especially on the weekend." 
"Because Spork is my one true love! And if I never see Spork again I'll be ever so lost...I think I'd die of a broken heart!" 
"Ok, we'll help you but only because we don't want you hanging around us moaning about how broken your heart is for the rest of our lives." Scully said, as she handed Melissa II: The Sequel to her father, who had just arrived to take Melissa II: The Sequel to the zoo.

Skinner sighed and looked towards the wall, feigning interest in the paintwork. 
The fact that Melissa II: The Sequel was the result of a drunken one night stand with Langly pained him, yet being the father figure in her life was all he could ask for. 
That, and a really good wax to make his head shine like a million flourescent light bulbs. 
"You don't mind that I stay here until tomorrow do you?" Krycek asked Skinner, "It's just that it's so quiet without beautiful Spork around" 
"Sure, fine, whatever. Just don't eat all our food or cry on everything." Skinner replied, "Oh, and Krycek, why haven't you told Mulder abou this?" 
"That was the first place I went actually. He wasn't home. I didn't even know he had a life."

Old, Dark, Creepy Warehouse 
1114 Byers St. 
Mulder looked up from the newspaper he was reading on the couch he had set up for himself in the warehouse. He saw that Spork, who was tied to one of the large poles in the warehouse had regained consciousness. 
"What? Why am I tied to this pole?" Spork muttered groggily, staring in bewilderment at the binding nylon ropes. 
"Ah, I see you're awake." Mulder said, moving towards the captive Spork. Spork suddenly looked towards Mulder 
"Who are you and why have you tied me to this pole?!" Spork questioned. 
Fear laced Spork's words and Spork was obviously becoming quite anxious about the whole scenario. 
"My name's Mulder and I've tied you to a pole to prevent you from escaping. That, and because you're part of my master plan." 
"And what master plan might that be?" 
"Oh, you'll soon find out my pretty!" 
With that, Mulder threw his head back and let out a high-pitched, maniacal cackle, not unlike that of the wicked witch of the west. 
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Turning away, eyes shut tight, Spork tried to desperately black out the horrible "man" and his girlish cackling. "Krycek! Save me!" 
--- 
As if through some psychic connection Krycek woke with a start from his troubled sleep. 
"Spork!" he cried, as he sat bolt upright on Scully's sofa which was serving him as a bed. 
He picked up the framed picture of Spork off the coffee table and wished desperately that Spork was alright. Tears began to well in his eyes and as one drop slid down his cheek he thought he heard someone playing a horrible Enya-esque song sung by some freaky wailing lady in another apartment, adding to his misery. 
"I'll save you Spork..." he whispered.

The sweet smell of cooking pancake batter wafted under Krycek's nose, jerking him out of his slumber and abruptly ending his dreams filled with all things Spork. 
"I made pancakes!" Skinner called exuberantly from Scully's kitchen. 
Krycek got up from the couch and went and took a seat across from Scully at her kitchen table. 
Skinner flipped a couple of steaming pancakes onto a white plate and set it in front of Alex who promptly smothered his breakfast in maple syrup. 
"So, how do you propose we save Spork?" Krycek asked, his mouth full of pancake and syrup.

~~~ 
4:55pm 
Old, Dark, Creepy Warehouse 

"You know, when I ask you how you propose we save Spork, you're supposed to think of a plan before we go to save Spork." Krycek complained angrily in the front seat of the car he had parked outside the warehouse. Krycek turned around to face Scully and Skinner. "Hey, are you even paying attention? Stop that! It's nearly 5 o'clock, we have to get going." 
Krycek, Scully and Skinner got out of Krycek's pink beetle and walked towards the large corrugated iron warehouse doors, their guns drawn. 
Krycek glanced at his watch. 
4:59...5:00... 
With a deep breath, he looked at Skinner and Scully before pushing open the unlocked warhouse doors.
 

~~~ 
Inside the warehouse, Mulder tightened his grip around Spork as he saw the doors slowly open.