<<Teaser>>
(well...this is just too easy...the teaser's gotta be a "previously on the X-Files" sorta deal.)

(oops...there goes the Cancer Man down the stairs...buh-bye! [okay...my vote for most brilliant line in REQUIEM: "The Cancer Man is dying" uh....yeah lady, good call. i mean...hence the fact everyone calls him "The Cancer Man"! did she think they were talking about his ZODIAC SIGN???]. aw MAN...Mulder just got abducted by aliens...yadda yadda....Scully says she will find him, then delivers the line "i'm pregnant". [was i the only person who just wanted her to laugh and yell "not!" after she said that? she's not supposed to have a baby! part of why the X-Files works is 'coz Mulder and Scully have such impossibly empty lives that the X-Files become their first love. a baby would tie her down SO bad! even if Gillian Anderson was pregnant in real life...they hid it once before! i don't care if they hafta dress her like she's being tented for fleas! no babies please! or...hey...they could do a season where she gets decapitated...and she's just like...this talking head...waiting for a body transplant...okay, now i'm just getting carried away.])

(opening credits...sans David! *sob*)

scene 1

(flashback! SCULLY and MULDER are at a bar. because MULDER is just a stand-in for David, he never faces the camera or talks.)

SCULLY: (ridiculously tipsy and still drinking, fighting with Mulder, slurring her words) no really Mulder...that thing U said just now about aliens has got to be your most rid... (pauses in thought, swallows hard) ridiculous theory to date. U have absolutely NO backing evidence whatsoever to...

MULDER: (stands up, back still to the camera)

SCULLY: what?

MULDER: (shrugs)

SCULLY: are U indicating in a non-verbal kinda way that i'm DRUNK?

MULDER: (nods)

SCULLY: i'm NOT, y'know.

MULDER: (points at the door)

SCULLY: you're leaving?

MULDER: (nods)

SCULLY: (giggling drunkenly) i'm sorry. it's just that if the aliens...

MULDER: (shakes his fist at SCULLY, then storms out, keeping his back to the camera the whole time)

SCULLY: Mulder! (sighs. shakes her head in exasperation) fine...be that way. (returns to drinking.)

(enter CANCER MAN. he sees SCULLY and joins her.)

CANCER MAN: Agent Scully.

SCULLY: what are U doing here?

CANCER MAN: it's only by coincidence that i happened to run into U. i wasn't looking for U. the truth is, i have very little time left, so i thought i'd come here and live it up a little.

(SCULLY looks at him, dazed and confused)

CANCER MAN: i'm dying, Agent Scully.

SCULLY: (leans in really close, totally invading CANCER MAN's bubble, and whispers in his ear) well...would U mind doing it somewheres else? (laughs at her own unfunny inappropriate joke)

CANCER MAN: no sympathy whatsoever.

SCULLY: (sings) pleased to meet U. hope U guessed my name....whoo whoo...

(as SCULLY continues to sing "Sympathy for the Devil", CANCER MAN takes away her drink and slugs it back himself. dissolve to SCULLY and CANCER MAN surrounded by empty glasses...both drunk, both singing "Sympathy for the Devil".)

CANCER MAN: well a-junt skull...Dana...i fig'r itz high time i was (hiccup) leaving...

SCULLY: (giggles) uh-huh...buh-bye!

(CANCER MAN gets up to leave. Then SCULLY gets up...staggers a little, and leans on CANCER MAN. she leaves on his arm.)

scene 2

(cut to "DOCTOR" ED's office. "DOCTOR" ED is examining SCULLY.)

"DOCTOR" ED: so...The Cigarette Smoking Man is the father. you're sure?

SCULLY: (shudders) i wish i wasn't. but he's the only one...so...

"DOCTOR" ED: i understand. say "aaaah." (jams a toungue-depressor in SCULLY's mouth) that's right. (keeps it in WAY too long, just gaping at SCULLY's tonsils for no appearent reason)

SCULLY: (in a sorry attempt to talk around the depressor) ut i on' unner-sand is OW i got regnan'.

"DOCTOR" ED: (removes the depressor) pardon me?

SCULLY: what i said was that i don't understand how i got pregnant.

"DOCTOR" ED: (awkwardly) well, U see...it takes a man and a woman. now, the man has to...

SCULLY: (interrupting) what i meant was how did i specifically get pregnant?

"DOCTOR" ED: same way as anyone else.

SCULLY: but...i have no ovum! [why is it that Scully can never just call 'em eggs like everyone else?]

"DOCTOR" ED: (looks at his clip-board) oh. um...yeah. it says that right here! (points at a random spot on the clipboard)

SCULLY: (suspicious) may i see that?

"DOCTOR" ED: um...sure. (hands SCULLY the clipboard, waves his hand over it, indicating the whole thing) see? it's all right here.

SCULLY: no...i don't see it. (squints at the clipboard) i don't think it's on here.

"DOCTOR" ED (turns away from SCULLY, pulls a walkie-talkie out of his pocket, and speaks into it) code red! code red! she's on to us.

SCULLY: excuse me?

"DOCTOR" ED: (crosses to SCULLY and takes the clipboard away from her) yoink! (he then salutes the American flag and proceeds to throw himself out a window.)

SCULLY: NO! (it's too late. the sound of "DOCTOR" ED's body is heard splattering on the pavement below)

(SCULLY is lounging around home, still somewhat shocked by the day's events. suddenly, a very sick look rushes over her face. thinking it's morning sickness...just a little later in the day...SCULLY gets up and makes a beline for the bathroom. she doesn't make it though. she vomits, looks down, screams, and swoons on the floor. a closeup on the vomit reveals that it's full of monkey fetus-like objects. [when my friend came to this part, she said "yeah, some of the cravings U get when you're pregnant. i tell ya. i just can't bring myself to eat anything but pickles and monkey fetus!"] suddenly, the room is filled with flashing light. we back away from the unconcious agent SCULLY and see that there is a flying saucer hovering outside her window. a beam shoots through the window, and suddenly MULDER is standing where the beam was. [alright...how exactly am i gonna do this without David Duchovny? maybe we can do like they did with Darrin on Bewitched. y'know...just replace MULDER with a completely different guy and see if anyone notices. actually, let's replace him with someone who couldn't in a billion years be mistaken for MULDER...like an Elvis impersonator. not black-leather Elvis either...i'm talkin' Vegas-style Elvis. white sequined jumpsuit and all! we'll call him MULVIS, to avoid confusion...or be even MORE confusing...or something.] dissolve to MULVIS sitting on the floor next to the pool of monkey fetuses. he is holding SCULLY's head on his lap and waiting for her to come-to. her eyes flutter open. she looks around with some confusion, then her eyes focus on MULVIS)

SCULLY: (disbelieving) Mulder?

MULVIS: hey pretty mama. (SCULLY sits up. a look of shock and relief washes over her face as she looks him over. she runs her finger down his cheek, tears streaming down her face. he cups his hand around hers, and looks deeply into her eyes. [at least we ASSUME he's looking deeply into her eyes. it's kinda hard to tell...being as he's wearing shades and all.] she throws her arms around his neck and allows herself to weep openly on his shoulder. he hugs back.)

SCULLY: (between sobs) i never stopped believing U were still out there Mulder. i knew.

MULVIS: come on darlin'. don't be cruel.

SCULLY: what happened to U?

MULVIS: i got abducted, darlin'. i don't remember much...i lost a lot of time, then suddenly i was here.

SCULLY: oh. maybe it's better that way. (long pause) Mulder, i don't want U to tell anyone, but i'm pregnant. (caughs up another monkey fetus. looks at it in terror) oh my God!

MULVIS: what's the matter, babe?

SCULLY: is...is that my baby?

MULVIS: no. U can't caugh up babies.

SCULLY: so...what you're saing is that these aren't really monkey fetuses at all?

MULVIS: uhhh....

SCULLY: that they're some sort of parasitic life form that looks like monkey fetuses that would have fed off of me and multiplied inside me until my body was a mindless vehicle for monkey fetuses?

MULVIS: uhhh....

SCULLY: but that my body rejected them due to a hormonal imbalance brought on by my being pregnant?

MULVIS: if U say so, darlin'.

SCULLY: Mulder, i can't accept that theory. why can't U see that there's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this?

MULVIS: uh...yeah.

(MULVIS and SCULLY are back on the X-Files already. what a couple of troopers! MUlVIS is driving, of course.)

SCULLY: Mulder....what are we doing? i mean....how is this an X-file?

MULVIS: trust me baby, it's an X-file.

SCULLY: i mean...i know it seems STRANGE that people actually listen to the Spice Girls, but...Mulder, this? this is no more an X-file than your office. i think more than anyhing it's just some people with bad taste in music...it's not brainwashing, and... (to herself) why do i bother? (brief pause. once again talking to MULVIS) listen Mulder, i know what your thinking.

MULVIS: uh...yeah honey. mind refreshing my memory?

SCULLY: there was five of them. to the Gnostics, that would represent the five corners of a pentagram. and since the Gnostics were primarilly a patriarchal socioty, the fact that we're dealing with five WOMEN...or as they saw it, the inverse of man, means we're dealing with an inverted pentagram. a symbol of evil magik. but now that they're reduced to four, they're losing popularity...because in losing a corner of the inverted pentagram, they've lost some of their power to brainwash their audience.

MULVIS: just what i was thinkin'.

SCULLY: but that theory makes no sense Mulder.

MULVIS: we're here, little darlin'.

(MULVIS and SCULLY arrive at a Spice Girls concert, and push their way to the front of the lineup. the TICKET GUY looks at them and is about to speak in protest)

SCULLY: (pulls out her badge) F.B.I. (MULVIS doesn't pull out his badge) him too. (the TICKET GUY waves them through. the show is just about to begin. SCULLY quickly and efficiently navigates the crowd with MULVIS in tow. they reach the foot of the stage just as the SPICE GIRLS step out. the crowd cheers.)

SCARY SPICE: hello!

SPICE GIRLS: we're the Spice Girls! BE WHO U WANNA BE! (the crowd cheers again)

SCULLY: (once again overcome with the urge to vomit) Mulder? i'm gonna be sick.

MULVIS: yeah, well, don't U puke on my blue suade shoes.

SCULLY: alright. i'll be waiting in your car when the show's over. i really don't think this concert warrents our investigation. (with that, she turns and starts pushing through the crowd again. the sound of "WANNA BE" begins to fill the venue.)

CONCERT-GOERS: (flat monotone) all hail the smoking man. all hail the smoking man. all hail the smoking man.

SCULLY: (SCULLY flattens herself to the seat, very catlike. only her eyes and the very top of her head can be seen through the car window as she frantically scans the crowd, looking for MULVIS. finally, she sees him. he passes right by the car. forgetting herself, SCULLY sits bolt upright, dumbfounded. she rolls down the window further and calls after him.) MULDER? (her voice is lost in the chants of the crowd. unsure what else she can do at this point, she gets out of the car, knocking over a few unfortunate zombies as she does.) MULDER! (she battles her way through the crowd until she reaches MULVIS. she grabs his arm, but he keeps walking, and chanting with the rest of the crowd. SCULLY tries to pull him back to the car, but it's an upstream battle. other zombies jostle her forward. finally, with no options left, she wraps her leg around his to trip him. she pins him on his back and holds him down. hey shippers....this could almost be considered shippy in a dominatrix sorta way...if we were actually dealing with MULDER!)

MULVIS: all hail the smoking man. all hail the smoking man.

SCULLY: MULDER! HAVE U LOST YOUR MIND???

MULVIS: all hail the smoking man.

SCULLY: (roughly picks MULVIS up by his white sequined collar and drags him back to the car, fighting off the last few straggler zombies. she pushes him against the car. he continues to chant.) Mulder, what happened in there? MULDER! (once again, she grabs hold of him. this time, she leads him out behind the theatre where the Spice Girls' bus is preparing to leave. it is surrounded by SECURITY. SCULLY flashes her badge at a SECURITY MAN.) F.B.I.! (the SECURITY MAN looks up at her, a little bit stunned) MOVE! (she's got that crazy "don't make me kill U" look [y'know...the look that only SCULLY is capable of doing properly] in her eyes. the SECURITY MAN moves, and SCULLY drags MULVIS towards the tour bus.)

scene 6:
(SCULLY bursts into the tour bus, dragging MULVIS with her. the interior is a hideous shade of pink with Union Jacks hung absolutely everywhere. SCULLY takes a moment to adjust her eyes. she sees noone)

SCULLY: i know you're in here! show yourselves!

SPORTY SPICE: (offscreen voice) SSSsssss....she enters, sisters.

BABY SPICE: (offscreen voice) the chosen one? sssss. the chosen one enters. ssssSSSSssss.

SCULLY: come out! (SPORTY SPICE slinks out from behind a large Union Jack)

MULVIS: all hail the smoking man.

SCULLY: what have U done to those people? what have U done to HIM? (indicating MULVIS)

SPORTY SPICE: (as she speaks, the other SPICE GIRLS reveal themselves, one by one crawling out from behind various Union Jacks) ssssSSSssSS...we have filled him with our father's message, chosen one.

SCULLY: Cancer Man's your father? all of U? (hey Emily! a whole mess of children fathered by CSM! thanks for the inspiration...)

POSH SPICE: are U not the chosen one? sssSSSsss?

SCULLY: i don't know what you're talking about.

POSH SPICE: father spoke of a woman. sssssSSS. a woman with hair as unnaturally red as Ginger Spice's...chosen to bear a child with similarly red hair to replace Ginger Spice.

SCULLY: (in disbelief. this is more evil than she ever could have imagined.) no.

SCARY SPICE: ssss. once again our formidable pentagram will be solidified! sss.

SCULLY: why do U want to brainwash all these people?

BABY SPICE: before long, the brainwashed ones will begin devouring the rest of the human race. sssSSSss. (Cannibalism! credit for this idea goes to Human Bondage. i will take this opportunity to blatently plug HB's fic "Lingere II: Where's My Venus". if ya haven't read it yet, do so. you'll never look at hotdogs the same way again.) then alien colonization of the planet may begin! ssSSsss! (SCULLY pulls the Union Jack curtains away from the window. outside the tour bus is a world of fire and chaos as the zombified teenyboppers mill about, chanting and eating any person who comes too too close)

SCARY SPICE: father will be pleased. sss.

SCULLY: (looking heartbrokenly at the sorry state of the human race) your father is dead.

SPICE GIRLS: ssssssSSSS?

SCULLY: he was pushed down a flight of stairs in a wheelchair. his trachea pipe snapped and he died of asphyxiation before it could be replaced.

SPICE GIRLS: (fall to their knees and begin wailing) noooo! father! SSSSS! no! (suddenly, all four of them vaporize, leaving behind nothing but some clear gelatinous orbs. SCULLY picks up one of the orbs, realizes it's a sillicon breast-implant, and quickly drops it again. and no cats 'n' kitties, i DIDN't overlook that opportunity to make a joke about sillicon-based life forms...i just thought i'd let U make your own! SCULLY then looks out the window. the teenyboppers are coming back to their senses, a little dazed, but none the worse for wear)

SCULLY: Mulder?

MULVIS: uh-huh?

SCULLY: did that just happen?

MULVIS: did what just happen, pretty mama?

SCULLY: nevermind. i...i think i need to go home now.
MULVIS: uh...yeah.

SCULLY: i just can't believe the lengths the Cigarette Smoking Man went to...he must have known he was really nearing the end this time.

MULVIS: (in a flimsy attempt to do one of MULDER's famous deadpan monologues) yeah, baby. that smoking man was a hound dog alright. but, when faced with our own mortality, wouldn't we all go to great lengths to preserve our legacy? maybe...just maybe (he very deliberately puts his hand on SCULLY's tummy, right where the baby is) there's a little smoking man in all of us.