TEASER:

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Previously on The X-Files.

(CUT TO: REYES and SCULLY in their remote little hiding place)

REYES: Dana, I just wanted to tell you that despite everything you've been through, you're so beautiful. Humpback whales are also beautiful. You remind me of a humpback whale because you're so fricking huge. I mean beautiful.

(CUT TO: DOGGETT in the stairwell)

DOGGET: Don't come any closer! I have a gun and I'm prepared to use it!

(DOGGETT then turns tail and runs while shrieking like a cheerleader.)
(CUT TO: SKINNER shooting KRYCEK in the head.)
(CUT TO: SCULLY and REYES some more)

REYES: Push Dana!

SCULLY: It's my baby! don't let them take it!

REYES: PUUUUSH!

(CUT TO: MULDER and SCULLY at SCULLY's appartment)

MULDER: But we both know how you REALLY got pregnant, don't we Scully?

(MULDER and SCULLY lean in towards each other for a round of tonsil hockey. Opening credits)

SCULLY: Yes Mulder. We both know how I got pregnant. And now I'll never be able to thank The Cigarette Smoking Man for impregnating me -- because he's dead.

MULDER: What?

SCULLY: I'm sorry if I'm being overly-emotional. I just had a baby. My hormone levels are...

MULDER: Time out, Scully. The Cigarette Smoking Man? I thought I was the father!

SCULLY: But the implantation didn't take. Remember? The Cigarette Smoking Man bioengineered an embreyo for me using his sperm.

MULDER: You mean you didn't get pregnant that time we (MULDER lowers his voice, embarassed) had sex -- just before I was abducted?

SCULLY: Mulder? What the hell are you talking about?

(MULDER shifts awkwardly from one foot to the other while SCULLY ponders what has just been said. Suddenly, a look of dawning realization crosses her face.)

SCULLY: Never mind. I think I understand.

(SCULLY takes her coat down and begins putting it on. MULDER watches, confused.)

MULDER: Scully? Where are you going?

SCULLY: Get your coat on Mulder. We'll drop Meepmor...um...William off at Doggett's place on the way.

SCULLY: (breathlessly) Hey you.

MULDER: Scully?

SCULLY: M-hm. (she pats the bed beside where she is laying, while looking meaningfully at MULDER) C'mere.

(MULDER approaches the bed)

MULDER: I don't understand.

SCULLY: What's to understand, baby?

(SCULLY grabs MULDER and kisses him deeply. Another SCULLY -- the real SCULLY, bursts into the bedroom.)

SCULLY: Mulder! Stop!

( MULDER looks from one SCULLY to the other -- a la "Small Potatoes", then backs away from the bed.)

MULDER: Scully? Then who's that?

(Suddenly, a look of sheer horror crosses MULDER's face)

MULDER: Not -- Eddie Van Blundt!

(MULDER wipes his toungue with his coat sleeve)

SCULLY: Not quite. It's my evil sex-starved clone SKULLIE!!!. I was hoping you'd never have to find out about her.

SKULLIE!!!: OV COURSE HE WAS GOIN 2 FYNDE OOT ABOUT ME!!! HE IZ MY TOUCH TONE!!!

SCULLY: For the love of God, SKULLIE!!!, shut up!

SKULLIE!!!: N I WUUD HVE GOTTEN AWAY W/ IT 2 IF IT HADN BEAN 4 U!!!

SCULLY: Oooooh-kay. Listen, I really don't want to talk to you. If it were up to me, I would just forget that you ever existed. I just came here to find out if you've been seducing Mulder in my name.

SKULLIE!!!: Y KANT U EXEPT THAT MOULDER N ME R SOLE MATES!!!? Y CAANT U X SEPT R LUV!!!?

SCULLY: Just answer the question.

SKULLIE!!!: U R JUST JELUS SCUULY!!! U R JUST ENVYUS B/C MOLDER N I HAVE ALOT OV SEXX 2GETHER ALL THE TYM B/C WE R EACHOTHERZ TOUCH TONES!!!

SCULLY: But -- he thought you were me.

(MULDER slinks into a corner, completely and utterly humilliated.)

SCULLY: And you've done this more than once?

SKULLIE!!!: WEE DID IT JUST LAST NITE F U MUST KNO!!! RYTE ON MUDLER'S LIVNG RUUME FLORE!!!

(SCULLY points her gun at SKULLIE!!!)

SCULLY: You do realize I'm going to have to put you under arrest for several counts of second-degree rape.

SKULLIE!!!: IORN WALZ DO NOT A PRIZIN MAKE!!! MY LUUUV WIL SET ME FREE!!!

SCULLY: Okay, fine, whatever.

(SCULLY handcuffs SKULLIE!!!)

DOGGETT: Here. Take your kid back. I'm starting to feel like frickin' Mary Poppins.

SCULLY: Thank you, Agent Doggett.

DOGGETT: Spittin' image of his dad, ain't he?

MULDER: Can we get off the topic?

DOGGETT: What crawled inta your ginch?

SCULLY: Well, up until just now, he thought he was William's father. If you can believe it.

MULDER: (indignant) I did not!

DOGGETT: You? Jeeze, Mulder. I seen pictures of The Cigarette Smoking Man. The kid's a frigging doppleganger. You shoulda figured that out before me even. How'd ya ever come to think it was you?

MULDER: I --

SCULLY: It's not his fault. SKULLIE!!! has been posing as me and using him to fulfill her ever-present carnal desires, so he must have thought he got me pregnant the old-fasioned way.

MULDER: Scully!

DOGGETT: You mean -- you can't tell the difference between Dana here and that little trollup SKULLIE!!!? Even I can tell the difference.

MULDER: (hopefully) You mean she's seduced you too?

DOGGETT: Nah. I mean, she's a complete sex-predator sure enough, but she's loyal as I'll get out. She kept saying something about some guy who's her -- her touchtone-phone or some damn thingt. Some guy named MLUUDER...

MULDER: (trying to change the topic) Well, we really need to do this more often, but right now I have to go feed my fish...

SCULLY: You can't go back to your appartment, Mulder. It's a crimescene. We have to leave it as in-tact as is in our capabilities if we are to convict SKULLIE!!! and clear my name.

MULDER: What? Clear your name of what? As far as I know, no one has filed a case against YOU! besides, SKULLIE!!!'s your clone, right? Any forensics they find are going to match your DNA structure exactly too -- aren't they?

SCULLY: Mulder, that's beside the point.

MULDER: Then what IS the point, Scully?

DOGGETT: Yeah. What are you getting at, Agent?

SCULLY: You'll have to live with Doggett until we find some definitive evidence against SKULLIE!!!

DOGGETT: What?

MULDER: Can't I at least come live with you?

SCULLY: We can't risk it, Mulder. Jesus may get back into my spine, and the results could be catastrophic.

MULDER: (ponders this for a moment) That IS true, I suppose.

DOGGETT: Wait a minute! What the hell is going on? Jesus? Spine? What?

(MULDER and SCULLY exchange a knowing glance, then SCULLY inhales deeply in preparation for telling the story.)

SCULLY: Doggett, do you remember some months ago when we investigated that offroads town -- that one where the people were worshipping a parisitic worm, thinking it was the second coming of Jesus Christ?

DOGGETT: How could I forget that?

SCULLY: Well, the people of that cult were TERRIBLY mislead. The worm you extracted from my spine and shot wasn't actually Jesus at all.

DOGGETT: (sarcastic) Uh -- ya think?

SCULLY: It was The Virgin Mary.

DOGGETT: That thing in your spine was a HER?

(SCULLY nods)

DOGGETT: I can't believe I'm hearing this. You can't be serious.

SCULLY: While The Virgin Mary was in my spine, she layed an egg which hatched right about the time Meepmork...

MULDER: (interrupting) William.

SCULLY: Huh? Oh yeah. The egg hatched at about the time William was being born.

MULDER: At about the same time, I was frantically searching for Scully because I thought Billy Miles and the others would take her baby. Remember that?

(DOGGETT nods, still not believing the idiotic babble he is hearing)

MULDER: Then, suddenly I heard a heavenly voice saying "Follow the star, Mulder. It will lead you to Our Savior, The Jesus-Worm. Oh, and to Scully too -- vicariously."

SCULLY: Jesus-Worm saved my baby, Agent Doggett. Billy Miles and the others felt its power and couldn't come near me.

(DOGGETT smiles and nods and backs away very slowly)

SCULLY: However, as you know, after a woman gives birth, her hormone levels fluctuate violently, thus providing a very harsh climate for the Jesus-Worm. Mulder, having recently been made a believer in the power of the Jesus-Worm by all the afformentioned phenomena, volenteered to allow the Jesus-Worm to live in his spine. We put our mouths together and allowed the Jesus-Worm to slip from my system into Mulder's. In fact, we had just finished making the transfer when Mulder found out he wasn't the baby's father.

(MULDER rolls his eyes, not happy to be back on the topic of the baby's paternity)

SCULLY: Agent Doggett, it is of the utmost importance that you let Mulder live with you until we convict SKULLIE!!!. Otherwise, the Jesus-Worm will try to migrate back to its original host, and my hormonal imbalance could very well kill it before it has the chance to lead us all ino salvation.

DOGGETT: Agent Scully, first of all, this whole thing makes no sense. Second of all, if Mulder's got worms, I definately don't want him coming into contact with my upholstry, if ya know what I mean!

SCULLY: I don't see that you have any choice in the matter. Besides, Mulder doesn't have "worms" as you put it. Mulder has one very special Worm.

(DOGGETT gives up in exhasperation)

DOGGETT: Fine. But this case against SKULLIE!!! better not last too damn long.

(SCULLY is gone. MULDER and DOGGETT are sitting around at DOGGETT's place. Major tension -- neither is too happy about their present situation. DOGGETT sighs heavily)

MULDER: What's on your mind.

DOGGETT: Well, this isn't exactly how I planned to spend my weekend.

MULDER: Oh. How did you plan to spend it?

DOGGETT: Fishing.

MULDER: Fishing?

DOGGETT: Yeah. Fishing. You got a problem with that?

MULDER: Not at all.

DOGGETT: And from the looks of things, well -- dollars to donuts fishing season's gonna be over before I get a chance to go out camping.

(DOGGETT sighs once again and stares at the floor.)

MULDER: Well -- why DON'T you go fishing this weekend?

DOGGETT: Yeah right. Because appearently it is of the "utmost importance" that I play nursemaid to some prophetic parasite.

MULDER: I like fishing. The Jesus-Worm and I could come along.

DOGGETT: Listen Mulder, why are you doing this? What do you want from me?

MULDER: You may be surprised to find out that MY weekend plans didn't exactly entail being locked up with you either.

DOGGETT: But what about Agent Scully?

MULDER: What about Agent Scully? She hates fishing.

DOGGETT: Won't she be a little upset to find out that you and the Worm just got up and split like that?

MULDER: To hell with Scully. She makes babies with The Cigarette Smoking Man.

DOGGETT: Uh -- I wouldn't even know where to begin arguing that logic. Alright then! Let's go fishing! But -- ah -- you and the Worm sleep in a seperate pup-tent from me, alright?

MULDER: Don't worry. You couldn't make the Jesus-Worm and me share a pup-tent with you at gunpoint.

(DOGGETT goes to his kitchen and fetches a flat of beers)

DOGGETT: And we'll be packing a lot of these. I can see I'm gonna be needing 'em.

(SKINNER is lounging around his place and reading the newspaper. There is a knock at the door. He looks through the peep-hole and sees REYES standing in front of his door. He opens the door and lets her in. Before he has time to think, she pulls out her handgun and aims it at SKINNER's head.)

REYES: You shouldn't have done that, Skinner.

SKINNER: Done what? Agent Reyes? What is the meaning of this?

(REYES suddenly keels over in pain, clutching her head.)

REYES: Oh my GOD!!! My aching FOREHEAD!!! AAAAAUGH!!!

SKINNER: Reyes?

REYES: Nevermind -- I need a cigarette.

SKINNER: Just give me the gun, Agent.

(REYES hands SKINNER the gun)

REYES: What -- this? Yes, of course. Make love, not war. My, your aura's looking green today.

(SKINNER indicates his couch)

SKINNER: Maybe you should rest here for a while.

REYES: Uh-huh.

(SKINNER guides REYES to the couch. REYES lies down and falls asleep. About an hour later she wakes up. She jumps off the couch and looks around, disoriented. SKINNER enters the room.)

SKINNER: Relax, Agent. You're at my house.

REYES: Skinner? How did I get HERE?

SKINNER: I wouldn't mind knowing that myself. You showed up on my doorstep, pointed a gun in my face, and then started shooting off about auras and cigarettes.

REYES: Oh? Oh, I am SO sorry.

SKINNER: So would you mind telling me what happened?

REYES: Alright. Do you remember when I told you that I was -- sensetive -- to certain cosmic forces?

SKINNER: Okay.

REYES: I don't know how to tell you this without you thinking I'm completely insane...

SKINNER: I think it's already a little late for THAT, agent Reyes.

REYES: I channel souls from beyond the grave.

SKINNER: What are you talking about?

REYES: Specifically souls who have unfinished buisiness with Agent Scully.

SKINNER: Such as?

(REYES holds up a pack of Morleys.)

REYES: Do you mind if I -- ?

(SKINNER shakes his head. REYES lights up and inhales.)

REYES: Well -- The Cigarette Smoking Man for one. Melissa Scully for another. I think Agent Scully may already have picked that up in me, although she's afraid to admit it. And just recently, I started picking up vibrations from Alex Krycek. Which is why I have this splitting headache -- and why WILLIAM SEXTON SCULLY MUST DIE!!!! whoa -- was that out loud?

(SKINNER nods)

(SCULLY's phone rings. SCULLY answers. SKINNER is on the line.)

SCULLY: Hello?

SKINNER: Agent Scully. We seem to have a little situation on our hands here.

SCULLY: Oh?

SKINNER: Listen, you're not going to believe this if I just tell you. Do you mind if I come over?

SCULLY: No. Not at all.

SKINNER: Thanks. I'll be right over.

SCULLY: Alright.

SKINNER: Oh, and Scully?

SCULLY: Sir?

SKINNER: Sexton???

SCULLY: Oh -- yeah. After my great uncle Sexton.

SKINNER: You don't HAVE a great uncle Sexton.

SCULLY: Alright. So I thought it was a nice name. So sue me.

(SKINNER, with REYES in handcuffs, knocks on SCULLY's door. SCULLY answers.)

SCULLY: Come in.

SKINNER: Thank you, Agent Scully.

(SKINNER enters, leading REYES by the handcuffs. SCULLY eyes them suspiciously.)

SCULLY: Oh my God! I don't even want to know.

SKINNER: What? Ohhhhh -- you mean the handcuffs. Yeah. It's not... heh... I mean -- we weren't...

REYES: Hand over the baby. NOW!

SKINNER: THAT's what the handcuffs are all about.

SCULLY: Oh. Okay. Thank God. Now what does she want with my baby?

SKINNER: She thinks she's Krycek.

SCULLY: Oh. Well -- that makes sense.

SKINNER: Really?

SCULLY: No.

REYES: Scully, I'm sensing a disturbance in the fifth principle of your spiritual orb.

SCULLY: Huh. You know, she REALLY reminds me of Melissa sometimes.

SKINNER: That's just it. She IS Melissa. And Krycek. And The Cigarette Smoking Man.

REYES: Speaking of which -- did we have a boy or a girl, Dana?

SCULLY: Um -- a... boy?

REYES: I KNOW it's a boy. Why are you patronizing me Scully? Hand him over!

SCULLY: (to SKINNER) Sir?

SKINNER: Oh. Right. Well, it appears that she is channeling souls who have unfinished business with you from beyond the grave.

SCULLY: Oh. Well, this is an interesting wrinkle.

SKINNER: Uh-huh. I mean... when it was just about Morleys and mystic crystals, it wasn't SO bad.

REYES: SCULLY! Kill your baby now before The Replacements do!

SKINNER: But now she's just IRRITATING!

REYES: Does anyone here ever listen to Yanni? He's almost... I don't know... sublime in a way.

SCULLY: Hmmmm... I see what you mean.

SKINNER: I mean -- she's REALLY irritating.

SCULLY: Hm. You know --

SKINNER: What?

SCULLY: Nevermind. I doubt it would work.

REYES: If you kill Mulder, you risk turning one man's journey into a CRUSADE!

SKINNER: AUGH! Agent Scully, I'm willing to try ANYTHING! Just make her shut up!

SCULLY: Alright. Alright. I was just thinking -- you know the story of Lazerus, right?

SKINNER: Sure. Jesus brings Lazerus back from the dead.

SCULLY: Well -- the Jesus-Worm owes me a boon for letting it live in my spine and feed off of my bodily tissues, right?

SKINNER: I think I see where you're going with this. All we need to do is exhume the corpse of Krycek, bring it to the Jesus-Worm, and request a boon!

REYES: In my last life, I was a unicorn.

SKINNER: Let's do it!

(SKINNER's car pulls up in front of DOGGETT's place. SKINNER drives, REYES is bound and chained in the shotgun position with a rolled sock in her mouth, and SCULLY sits in the hump-seat, sandwiched between WILLIAM in his car seat, and KRYCEK's corpse. SKINNER stops the car. KRYCEK lurches violently forward, then tips over and sprawls across SCULLY's lap, dropping a few maggots out of his bullet-hole as he does so.)

SKINNER: We're here.

(SCULLY collects her baby and quickly exits the car. She and SKINNER go around to KRYCEK's door, open it, and remove KRYCEK. They wrap one of his arms around SKINNER's shoulder, then wrap the other one around SCULLY's baby-free side. They stand him as upright as possible, and walk in this fasion to DOGGETT's front door -- leaving REYES chained to the front passenger seat. SKINNER knocks on the door. There is no answer.)

SKINNER: Agent Mulder?

(SKINNER knocks a little harder)

SKINNER: Agent Doggett?

(SKINNER pounds on the door.)

SKINNER: AGENT DOGGETT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS PURE AND HOLY IN NEPTUNE'S SWEET BEARD, OPEN THE DOOR!

(A KID rides by on a trycicle. He looks from SKINNER, SCULLY, WILLIAM, and KRYCEK's corpse to the car where REYES is struggling desperately to free herself, then back to the four in the doorway.)

SKINNER: Nothing to see here! Keep peddeling.

(The KID pedels away -- rather expediently -- as SKINNER kicks in DOGGETT's door. SKINNER and SCULLY set KRYCEK down on the couch, then proceed to search DOGGETT's residence for any trace of MULDER and DOGGETT. Both come back empty-handed.)

SCULLY: I'll try Mulder's cell.

(SCULLY picks up DOGGET's phone and dials. A couple of rings later, MULDER picks up, somewhat intoxicated -- to put it delicately.)

MULDER: Hello?

SCULLY: Mulder. Thank --

MULDER: Hello?

SCULLY: Hello. Mulder, it's Scully.

MULDER: Scully?

SCULLY: Yes. Mulder, listen. I need to see you face-to-face. The Jesus-Worm owes me a boon, and I need to ask it to...

MULDER: You don't SAY! Well isn't that fascinating.

SCULLY: Nevermind. just tell me where you are.

(pause)

MULDER: Hello?

SCULLY: Mulder? Is Doggett with you?

(long pause. SCULLY sighs in frustration.)

SCULLY: Mulder, I want you to put special agent Doggett on the line.

MULDER: I'm sorry. Special... um... Special Doggett is not in right now.

(DOGGETT can be heard trying to stifle his giggles in the background)

MULDER: To talk one-on-one with one of our LOVELY ladies, press 1. To hear our lovely ladies climb a chainlink fence -- NAKED -- press 2. To ummm.... if you have a rotary dial, press 3... hee hee...

(A click, then silence can be heard from MULDER's end of the line.)

SCULLY: Mulder? Mulder?

SKINNER: Scully? What's wrong?

(SCULLY crumples her face all up and makes all her veins stick out)

SCULLY: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!

(MULDER and DOGGETT have set up camp in a remote lakeside campsite. Their fishing lines dangle gently in the water. MULDER and DOGGETT are unbelievably drunk -- and still drinking.)

DOGGETT: So who was on the phone?

MULDER: Oh... Hm. Scully.

DOGGETT: Scully? What did she want?

MULDER: She says the Jesus-Worm owes her a boon and that you're special.

DOGGETT: Ohhhhhh...

(DOGGETT and MULDER are silent for a moment as DOGGETT thinks)

DOGGETT: Does the Jesus-Worm owe YOU any boons?

MULDER: I don't know. I think so.

DOGGETT: Can it turn my blood into wine?

MULDER: Probably.

(DOGGETT looks forelornly at his and MULDER's empty fishing lines.)

DOGGETT: Ask it is it can send us a lot of fish.

MULDER: I've got a better idea. Let's ask it if it can send us a lot of fish -- having sex.

DOGGETT: That IS a better idea!

(MULDER and DOGGETT laugh gleefully, then toast each other clumsily. The ground around their camp is suddenly covered in flopping pairs of trouts in the desperate throes or coitus.)

BOTH: Yaaaaaaay!

(They stare at the fish for a few minutes before the novelty wears off.)

DOGGETT: Ask the Jesus-Worm if it can bring a bunch of lepers, then cure them.

MULDER: I've got a better idea. Let's ask it if it can bring a bunch of lepers -- having sex.

(DOGGETT tilts his head in an exaggerated sympathetic gesture)

DOGGETT: Do you miss your porn tapes, buddy?

(MULDER pouts)

MULDER: Uh-huh.

(MULDER and DOGGETT both begin to cry. DOGGETT gathers MULDER up in his arms and stroaks MULDER's hair affectionately.)

DOGGETT: Shhh. It'll be okay. Shhh.

MULDER: What will?

(DOGGETT thinks for a moment)

DOGGETT: I don't know.

(MULDER is suddenly stricken with confusion and paranoia)

MULDER: Are the aliens coming?

DOGGETT: They are?

MULDER: We should build a fort.

DOGGETT: Yes. We should build a fort.

(MULDER and DOGGETT run off into the woods together to build a fort.)

(SKINNER, REYES, WILLIAM, SCULLY and KRYCEK are back in the car, in the same seating arrangement as before. SCULLY looks less optomistic than she did the first time around though.)

SKINNER: Scully, everything's going to be alright. We'll do everything we can to find Mulder, Doggett, and the Jesus-Worm, I promise you. We'll find them -- if we have to go into every porn-vendor in the state.

(SKINNER parks in front of a store with a display of blow-up women in the window)

SKINNER: This one looks -- promising.

(SCULLY's cell rings.)

SCULLY: Scully.

PARK WARDEN: Dana Scully?

SCULLY: Yes -- may I ask with whom I'm speaking?

PARK WARDEN: This is the warden of Lakeside Park. Would you happen to know one mister Fox Mulder?

SCULLY: (cautiously) yes...

PARK WARDEN: I found your phone number alongside his identification in his wallet and thought perhaps you were the person I should be contacting about his little incident...

SCULLY: Oh my God. Is he alright?

PARK WARDEN: Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to come collect him. He's been building forts out of endangered wildlife -- and employing some fishing techniques I hope to God are illeagle for the sake of all that is good and decent.

SCULLY: Oh. Okay. I'm not related to him or anything. I just work with him -- involenterily.

PARK WARDEN: Just get him out of our park, ma'am. Thank you and have a nice day.

(SKINNER, SCULLY, REYES, the corpse of KRYCEK, and WILLIAM arrive at Lakeside Park. SKINNER and SCULLY, carrying WILLIAM, get out of the car and examine the campsite with horror and disgust.)

SCULLY: Oh my God.

(They pick their way carefully through the groundcover of frantically copulating fish.)

SCULLY: MULDER?

SKINNER: AGENT DOGGETT?

(A weak moan is heard coming from the woods. SCULLY and SKINNER follow the sound. They run through the woods, following MULDER and DOGGETT's path of destruction and beer cans until they come across a makeshift fort covered in a large orange tarp with the words "NO ALIENS" drunkenly duct-taped to it. SCULLY steps into the fort and finds MULDER, rather hung over, within its midst.)

SCULLY: Mulder?

(MULDER moans)

SCULLY: Mulder.

MULDER: Ow... stop CALLING me that!

SCULLY: What?

MULDER: What? I don't know. Gaawd...

SCULLY: Mulder, what happened here?

MULDER: I don't know. I went fishing with agent Doggett. And we got tired of looking at each other -- I think -- ow... and then we drank a lot of beer.

SCULLY: Where IS agent Doggett? Mulder, where did all these fish come from?

MULDER: Fish? Oh, the fish. We used the Jesus-Worm.

SCULLY: (shrill) WHAT?

MULDER: AAAAUGH!

(MULDER grabs his ears. SCULLY dashes out of the fort and back to the campsite with all its fish)

SCULLY: (welling up with tears) No. Oh, no.

(SCULLY picks up a pair of adjoinded fish in her free hand and shakes them vigerously at the sky as they continue making fish-lurve.)

SCULLY: Why? Oh, GOD! Why?

(SKINNER joins SCULLY, holding her close to comfort her.)

SKINNER: Scully. I'm so sorry. But there's nothing we can do now.

SCULLY: But now we have to listen to this --

(SCULLY reaches in through the open passenger seat window and pulls the sock out of REYES's mouth.)

REYES: Dr. Barnes, you and I are destined to be great friends...

SCULLY: For as long as Agent Reyes is around, and...

(SCULLY reaches back through the window and is just about to put the sock back in REYES's mouth)

REYES: DANA! WAIT!

SCULLY: Agent Reyes?

REYES: (cryptically) Melissa has an idea.

(MULDER, SCULLY, REYES, SKINNER and KRYCEK's corpse are laying together in a large bed at a cheap motel. MULDER, SCULLY, REYES, and SKINNER are all blissfully smoking. A cigarette dangles from KRYCEK's lips as well.)

SCULLY: Wow.

SKINNER: (breathlessly) THAT was good.

(The others sigh in pensive agreement. SKINNER flicks away the last of his cigarette butt and lights a new one)

SKINNER: Hmmmm....this one's pretty good too. But would you mind telling us how smoking cigarettes in bed helps us find Agent Doggett?

REYES: Melissa says that The Cigarette Smoking Man has agreed to help us find Doggett -- as long as we create a relaxed, nicotine-laden atmosphere. The way I see it, it can't get much more relaxed and nicotine-laden than smoking cigarettes in bed.

SCULLY: So -- we're holding a seance of sorts?

REYES: Something like that.

SCULLY: Oh brother.

REYES: Shhhh. I'm getting something.

(everyone except KRYCEK rolls over and looks at REYES.)

REYES: Agent Doggett is... at...

(everyone except KRYCEK becomes wide-eyed with anticipation.)

REYES: Agent Doggett's house!

SKINNER: That's it?

REYES: Hm. Yeah. From the looks of things, he shoved some squirrels down his pants, freaked out some tourists, spent the night in the drunk tank... and went home. Go figure.

MULDER: And we needed to contact The Cigarette Smoking Man because...?

REYES: Hm. I guess we didn't.

SCULLY: (under her breath) Perfect.

(Everyone except KRYCEK climbs out of bed.)

(DOGGETT is sitting around in his home when a knock comes at the door. He opens it to find SKINNER, MULDER, SCULLY, WILLIAM, and REYES.)

SCULLY: Agent Doggett, of all the reckless, irresponsible, childish...

DOGGETT: Whoa. Dana. Calm down. Someone mind telling me what she's going on about?

SCULLY: What do you mean what am I going on about? You just ABANDONNED Mulder at Lakeside park!

DOGGETT: Listen, I didn't abandon anyone. I didn't exactly plan to spend my night in the drunk tank.

SCULLY: Well, you used the Jesus-Worm to catch fish. We needed that worm. It owed me a boon.

DOGGETT: Yeah, well it owed Mulder a boon too. Only we were too drunk to ask it for world peace or anything.

SCULLY: You mean you didn't use it for bait?

DOGGETT: No! What do you think we are? Stupid?

(SCULLY hesitates to answer.)

DOGGETT: Anyway, it should still be in Mulder's spine.

(SCULLY hands WILLIAM to DOGGETT and examines MULDER's spine thouroughly.)

SCULLY: I don't see it anywhere!

SKINNER: Agent Scully?

(SCULLY turns around to see SKINNER pointing at DOGGETT's protruding spinal chord. REYES makes a grab for her gun.)

REYES: Heads up! Replacement!

(SCULLY grabs REYES)

SCULLY: Agent Reyes, it's alright. It's only the Jesus-Worm.

REYES: Bay Laurel leaves bring prophetic dreams.

SCULLY: Um...that's gooooood.

(SCULLY takes the sock out of her pocket and re-inserts it into REYES's mouth.)

DOGGETT: Wait a minute. The Jesus-Worm's in MY spine?

SCULLY: It seems to be.

DOGGETT: How the hell did it get there?

SCULLY: (absently) Probably the same way it got from me to Mulder.

(DOGGETT and MULDER look at each other sheepishly, then spit.)

SKINNER: How's that? Would someone mind filling me in?

MULDER: WE SHOOK HANDS! THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT, OKAY? TURN YOUR ACCUSATORY EYES ELSEWHERE!!!

DOGGETT: Uh -- yeah. We must have shaken hands at -- uh -- some point.

SCULLY: Well, at least now we know where the Jesus-Worm is so we can ressurect Krycek. Where IS Krycek?

SKINNER: I thought you had him.

SCULLY: Me? I was carrying a baby. I thought Mulder brought Krycek.

MULDER: No -- last time I saw Krycek, he was with agent Reyes.

(REYES shrugs)

(MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and REYES run through the corridors of the cheap motel. They reach their room. There is a maid's cart in the way. MULDER hurls it violently down the hallway. The four then enter the room to see a large cluster of maids gathered around the bed they had been smoking in. One of the "maids" turns around. It's BILLY MILES in a maid's uniform. The other replacement maids then turn around as well. BILLY MILES holds up KRYCEK's corpse.)

BILLY MILES: We knew you'd be back. Looking for this?

(MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and REYES open fire on the maids, putting a few extra bullet holes in Krycek as well. One by one, the maids keel over until the only one left is BILLY MILES. SCULLY shoots him between the eyes and he falls to the ground. DOGGETT collects KRYCEK's corpse.)

DOGGETT: Yeah. Thanks.

(Back at DOGGETT's place, SKINNER is waiting for the return of the other four and watching after WILLIAM. DOGGETT walks in the door.)

SKINNER: Did you find Krycek?

(SCULLY, MULDER, and REYES walk in with KRYCEK in tow.)

DOGGETT: Yeah.

SKINNER: Was he still in the room?

DOGGETT: No. The good people at Pinecrest Motor Lodge had already put him in the fricking lost-and-found.

MULDER: Alright, can we just get this over with? Krycek's starting to smell.

SCULLY: No worse than your appartment.

SKINNER: So -- how exactly do we go about doing this?

MULDER: I'm not exactly sure.

DOGGETT: Oh, hey wait. You guys might not want to put him --

(MULDER and SCULLY hoist KRYCEK onto DOGGETT's kitchen table. A couple of maggotts fall out of KRYCEK.)

DOGGETT: ...there...

SCULLY: Agent Doggett, come here for a minute.

(DOGGETT walks over to the kitchen table by SCULLY. SCULLY steps behind DOGGETT, lifts his shirt exposing his back, leans in very close and talks to DOGGETT's spine as MULDER, SKINNER, and REYES look on.)

SCULLY: Hello? Um -- hello Jesus-Worm. Yeah. Um... It's me. Dana Scully. You used to live in my spine, remember? Right. Anyway, I'd like to ask a favour. You see that man on the table there? Well -- probably not since you have no eyes, but...

(DOGGETT begins feeling conscious of all the eyes upon him)

DOGGETT: Uh -- Dana?

SCULLY: Yeah?

DOGGETT: You're sure taking your sweet time down there... could ya maybe finish up?

SCULLY: Okay. Jesus-Worm, we'd really appreciate it if you would ressurect Krycek.

(MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, DOGGETT, and REYES all stare at KRYCEK, awestruck as he begins to twitch. Slowly, KRYCEK sits up as the others look on.)

DOGGETT: (cautiosly) Agent Krycek?

(KRYCEK looks around, then unconcernedly rubs his bullet holes)

KRYCEK: Could I get a tylenol or something?

SKINNER: Well -- that was anti-climactic.

(MULDER flops down on DOGGETT's couch.)

DOGGETT: Yeah. I guess this is the end of the road. Hardly took us ANY time to return to status-quo this time around.

SCULLY: This can come out now.

(SCULLY removes the sock from REYES's mouth.)

MULDER: Alright. Well, I've had a long couple of days, so I'm going to go home now.

DOGGETT: What about the SKULLIE!!! case?

(As soon as DOGGETT finishes speaking, he realizes that this statement was probably NOT in his favour and puts his hand to his mouth.)

SKINNER: What?

DOGGETT: Nothing.

SCULLY: Damn it. He's right. We still haven't convicted SKULLIE!!!.

(DOGGETT and MULDER sigh)

(SCULLY opens the door to MULDER's appartment, with MULDER and DOGGETT reluctantly following. As soon as they step inside, a troop of Replacements who have appearently been waiting for SCULLY start wandering towards her.)

BILLY MILES: Why'd ya go and shoot us, Scully? You knew we'd come back. We've been waiting for you here all afternoon.

SCULLY: Why? It's my baby you want, and I don't bring him along on crimescene investigations, now do I?

BILLY MILES: Now that you mention it, that makes a surprising amount of sense. All the same, there's no stopping us, so you may as well give in.

SCULLY: But you CAN be stopped. I know your secret now. I've seen the effect the Jesus-Worm has on you. You can't get anywhere near it.

YOKO ONO: Ah, but there is ONE of us who can!

MULDER: I should have known you were behind this, Yoko Ono!

SCULLY: Which one! Which one of you can stand up to the Jesus-Worm, Yoko Ono?

YOKO ONO: A certain special agent you were foolish enough to revive with the very Jesus-Worm we loath, thus making him stronger than he's ever been!

DOGGETT: Krycek? He's not even a frigging replacement. He died but good when we shot him.

YOKO ONO: Obviously that's WHY he can stand up to the Jesus-Worm. He's not a replacement -- he's my mind-slave.

DOGGETT: That explains SO much.

SCULLY: Wait a minute -- we left Krycek with William!

MULDER: Yeah, come to think of it, that WAS kind of a foolish oversight, wasn't it?

YOKO ONO: One way or another, we will get your baby.

SCULLY: Alright, would you mind explaining once and for all why you want my baby?

YOKO ONO: He is a very special baby.

SCULLY: Yeah, I gathered that much.

YOKO ONO: Don't you see why we need your child?

SCULLY: Obviously not.

YOKO ONO: Because he's SPECIAL! Don't you see?

SCULLY: Okay, does anyone else find her reasoning to be a little circular?

MULDER: Scully? Maybe we'd better go check up on William.

BILLY MILES: We won't be stopped this time!

(MULDER, SCULLY and DOGGETT shoot YOKO ONO, BILLY MILES, and the rest of the Replacements and head for the door.)

(MULDER, SCULLY, and DOGGETT return to DOGGETT's house to find SKINNER and REYES tied together and gagged, WILLIAM on the table, and a pile of ashes on the floor next to the table. There is a small fire still burning on top of the ashes. SCULLY stomps out the fire and grabs WILLIAM. MULDER and DOGGETT untie SKINNER and REYES.)

SCULLY: What happened here? Where's Krycek?

SKINNER: You're standing in him.

SCULLY: Oh my God. What happened to him?

REYES: I don't know. Skinner and I were just experimenting with gags and ropes when...

(SKINNER gives REYES a sharp elbow to the ribs)

SKINNER: Um -- what she MEANS by that is somehow Krycek... um...managed to overtake us both and tie us together and stuff. Then he went after Meep... um... William, then he just sort of caught fire.

MULDER: Spontaneous human combustion?

DOGGETT: Oh for cryin' out loud. Spontaneous human combustion.

MULDER: Well, do you have a better theory?

DOGGETT: Yeah. I do. Krycek had been dead a while when we revived him, right? And everyone knows the dead produce certain flammable fumes -- and since he wasn't in a nice oxygen-deprived coffin, he oxygenated.

SCULLY: He's right about the flammable gasses you know. Hence what is commonly known as the Will o' the Wisp phenomenon.

SKINNER: I don't know about any Will o' the Wisp phenomenon, but I have a sneaking suspicion the little guy on wheels who emerged from his body shortly after this happened might have had something to do with it.

MULDER: Little guy on wheels?

DOGGETT: No! Oh no. You don't mean to tell me the Butt Genie is in my house!

REYES: Whoever he was, he was in desperate need of some WD-40.

DOGGETT: (in disbelief) That little Fakir!

(DOGGETT unties SKINNER and REYES.)

SCULLY: It can't be the Butt Genie. I SHOT the Butt Genie because I knew it's what Mulder would have believed.

MULDER: And thank you for not making generalizations about my personality. Would someone mind explaining to me what a Butt Genie is?

(A squeak is heard from the bathroom.)

DOGGETT: Well -- I'm not going up there. Dollars to donuts he would fly right up my ass.

SCULLY: You expect ME to go up there?

DOGGETT: Listen, Scully. There are certain things a man holds sacred, if you catch my drift.

SCULLY: Alright. Whatever.

(SCULLY heads towards the bathroom.)

SCULLY: Agent Reyes? Cover me.

REYES: Right.

(REYES eagerly follows SCULLY. SCULLY flings open the door of the bathroom. The BUTT GENIE is in the middle of the room, looking forlorn and trying to open a container of vasaline.)

REYES: Aw. What's the matter little guy? Can't you get that open?

(The BUTT GENIE shakes his head "no".)

SCULLY: Agent Reyes! No!

(REYES opens the vasaline and begins spreading it on the BUTT GENIE's cart.)

REYES: There. Do you need me to grease your wheels?

SCULLY: Agent Reyes!

REYES: It's alright Dana. He's friendly.

SCULLY: No he's not! He killed innocent people! He killed CHILDREN!

REYES: He's communicating with me telepathically, Dana. It's beautiful.

(SCULLY looks at the BUTT GENIE who shrugs, confused)

REYES: They were EVIL children, weren't they? He only killed the evil children.

(The BUTT GENIE makes eye-contact with SCULLY, then mimes smoking a joint -- indicating REYES.)

SCULLY: Alright, agent Reyes. That will be enough. Move out of the way.

(SCULLY aims a gun at the BUTT GENIE)

REYES: No!

SCULLY: Listen you, I shot you. You died!

(the BUTT GENIE shrugs)

SCULLY: What is it that you WANT from me, Butt Genie?

(silence)

SCULLY: This is sort of an exercise in futility, isn't it?

(silence.)

REYES: Agent Scully?

SCULLY: What?

(SCULLY turns to REYES who is looking out the window.)

REYES: You may want to take a look at this.

(SCULLY crosses to the window. BILLY MILES, YOKO ONO, and the rest of the replacements are coming up the sidewalk.)

SCULLY: Oh no. (SCULLY turns to the BUTT GENIE) You stay put.

(REYES and SCULLY head down the stairs.)

DOGGETT: What did you find, agent Scully?

(The doorbell rings. MULDER goes to answer it.)

SCULLY: DON'T ANSWER THAT!

DOGGETT: Is it the replacements?

SCULLY: Yes. Someone hide William.

SKINNER: Why don't you just transfer the Jesus-Worm to William. Then they can't touch him.

DOGGETT: No, I think hiding him would definately be the best method.

SCULLY: Agent Doggett, I need you to transfer the Jesus-Worm into William's spine.

DOGGETT: Aw, couldn't I just -- I dunno -- hold on to the kid. I won't let Yoko Ono get 'im, I promise.

SCULLY: Agent Doggett.

SKINNER: What's the matter, Agent Doggett? Just shake little Willy's hand and get it over with.

DOGGETT: I don't want to.

SCULLY: Agent Doggett...

DOGGETT: Fine.

(DOGGETT transfers the worm to WILLIAM as SKINNER and SCULLY observe.)

DOGGETT: (wiping his mouth) There. Are you satisfied?

SCULLY: Kissing babies is a big part of any government job, Agent Doggett.

(The Replacements burst in the door. MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, DOGGETT, and REYES all relexively draw their guns.)

BILLY MILES: There's no stopping us now. We are too many and too powerful. Now lay your weapons down and step away from the baby.

(MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, DOGGETT and REYES look at each other knowingly and set their guns down. they step away from WILLIAM. Slowly and dramatically, with a knife raised high above his head, BILLY MILES approaches WILLIAM.)

BILLY: And now William Sexton Scully, PREPARE TO MEET THY... Aw, for the love of Pete.

(BILLY MILES steps away from WILLIAM.)

YOKO ONO: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

BILLY MILES: When you're finished singing your greatest hit, would you mind telling me what to do about the baby, Yoko Ono?

YOKO ONO: Why did you not kill him! We need him dead because he's special!

BILLY MILES: Yeah, I know. I know. But -- well -- you try.

YOKO ONO: Fine. Give me that.

(YOKO ONO takes the knife and walks towards WILLIAM.)

YOKO ONO: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

(SCULLY passes a bottle of Tylenol around to SKINNER, DOGGETT, MULDER, and REYES who eagerly accept.)

YOKO ONO: Who has transfered the Jesus-Worm to this child?

(YOKO ONO looks from person to person. When her eyes meet DOGGETT's, DOGGETT subtly points at MULDER and nods)

YOKO ONO: It doesn't matter! We'll just use Krycek! KRYCEK!!!

MULDER: Krycek's dead.

YOKO ONO: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

DOGGETT: Listen, ya frigging harpy, dollars to donuts...

REYES: I am ready to serve, Yoko Ono!

DOGGETT: Monica! Don't tell me you're channeling Krycek from beyond the grave again -- who is in turn being mind-controlled by Yoko Ono.