HOST: Welcome once again to the dating game! The show where one lucky fella wins a date with a perky bachelorette!
Mulder: Umm ... excuse me ...
Host: Sorry - a perky Mulder! Fox Mulder is an FBI agent, he likes fish, sports, video games and has a large collection of (peers at card) art films!
Mulder: And the truth! Don't forget the truth!
HOST: Oh, and he believes in the search for the truth!
Mulder: The truth we've both --
HOST: Don't even freakin' start!
(Mulder stops, looking hurt)
HOST: Now let's meet --
Mulder: Can I say something?
HOST: Erm ... sure ... I guess.
Mulder: (clearing throat and stands up) I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade, the plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of power, that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet, so, of course, no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens --
HOST: Uh, Mr Mulder, we don't have all day.
(Mulder sits back down with a disgruntled expression)
HOST: Now let's meet our bachelors!
Mulder: What??? I thought I was being set up with porn stars with big breasts and long legs!
HOST: Er ... that's not what we have here!
Mulder: (leaps off of chair and looks at card) What?? "He likes dark and mysterious men"?? What the -- (looks to audience) Frohike, you're a dead man!!!
(Off camera, we hear giggling coming from the audience)
HOST: Mr. Mulder, if you don't mind ... (gesturing to the seat, which Mulder grudgingly takes) Now let's meet our bachelors! Bachelor #1, tell us about yourself!
CSM: *wheeeeeze* Well I'm -- *cough, hack* -- excuse me a moment ... *hacks some more, bringing up a lung biscuit* Ugg, that's not pretty.
Bachelor #2: Ewww, it landed on my leg!
CSM: Sorry .... *lights a cigarette, inhales, sighs* Ahhh much better.
Mulder: (grimacing) Can I count him out now? He sounds gross!
Host: Well ... I ... I'll have to check with our producers .... wait ... yes, we can REPLACE Bachelor #1 if you'd like.
Mulder: Please (does a full body shudder)
CSM: (being wheeled out by Phil the Cameraman, who's scars are still fresh from last week's episode) You've not heard the last from me, Mulder! I'll be back!
Mulder: You?? You killed my father! {yes, I know CSM didn't kill his father! but it's my fic, so piss off!}
CSM: No, Mulder *wheeze* I am your father.
Mulder: Nooooooooo!
HOST: Well this is an interesting turn of events, but let's meet our new bachelor!
(Out walks Carmen Electra; Mulder's jaw drops)
Mulder: I pick her!!! I pick her!!
HOST: Mr Mulder, you have to at least question the other contestants.
Mulder: I don't care! I pick her! I want her! She's hot!
HOST: Mr Mulder!
Mulder: Ok FINE - I'm still picking her though.
HOST: Bachelor #2 tell us about yourself!
Krycek: Well I'm physically challenged, but don't let that scare you away! You'd be surprised what I can do with only one arm! *winks*
Mulder: Eeww - (to host) Are we done yet?
Host: No - #3?
Flukeman: (in an aristocratic English accent) Hello there. I'm a sewer dweller by nature, but I believe in the importance of cleanliness and good decorating -- my pipe is the only pipe to make "Famous Homes and Hideaways," and it's my belief that my collection of porcelain Gibson Girl dolls just makes all the rooms all the more cosy. I have a Masters in English literature, concentrating on the romantic classics. In my spare time I enjoy yoga, french cuisine and watercolor painting, and I am looking for a man who enjoys the same.
Mulder: Whoopie. So Carmen, tell me, do you prefer black lace or red satin?
Krycek: I've been known to wear black panties on occasion.
Mulder: One, I wasn't talking to you, and two, Eeew!
Krycek: You weren't saying that in your hotel room last night!
(Audience Ooooooh's)
Mulder: I was drugged!
Krycek: All night long, baby! You couldn't get enough!
(In the audience, Jerry Springer appears)
Springer: Mr Krycek, are you saying you and Fox were intimate just last night?
Krycek: Like a horse on steriods!
Host: Hey! This is my show!
(HOST lunges at Jerry. Steve and Cameraman Phil race into the audience, are immediately jumped by klansmen and a brawl ensues. A chair flies through the air, hitting the hose in the face)
HOST: My nose! My nose! My beautiful nose!!!
Flukeman: (rolling eyes) How uncivilized. (pulls out 'War and Peace' and begins reading)
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS]
ANNOUNCER: Due to unfortunate circumstances, our host has been replaced with Timmy from Passions.
Timmy: Timmy's happy to be off of that crappy show.
Mulder: Are they looking to replace you? I'm out of a job, you see.
Timmy: Timmy doesn't think you'd be right for the part.
Mulder: Why not? That shows about the paranormal! And plus I'm much more talented than you.
Timmy: Timmy thinks you should shut the #%@^ up!
Mulder: What? Why you little freak!
(Mulder lunges at Timmy, who explodes into action. He leaps into the air and kicks Mulder in the face. Audience starts chanting TIMMY!! TIMMY!!Mulder drops to the ground, and as he tries to rise Timmy drop kicks him and goes kung-fu on Mulder's arse.)
Timmy: (straightening back up) Timmy learned self defense from Mini Me! Timmy don't take no sh*t off of anybody!
(Mulder is helped to his feet by Phil the Cameraman, and with an ice pack on his face, takes his seat)
Mulder: Can we move on please? I think I need to go to the hospital ...
Timmy: Timmy calls the shots around here! Now ask your first question!
Mulder: Umm ... let me think ....
(Timmy reaches up and b/itchslaps Mulder)
Mulder: OWWW! All right, all right! Bachelor #1, what's your favorite food?
(Timmy b/itchslaps Mulder again)
Timmy: Ask a better question! Timmy is not amused!
Mulder: (looking panicked) Bachelor #1 - if you WERE a food, which would it be?
Carmen Electra: *shrugs and giggles*
Mulder: Good enough for me. #2?
Krycek: I'd be a Beaver Tail - all hot and gooey, smothered in maple syrup that you just wanna lick off slooooowly.
Mulder: Excuse me, but what's a beaver tail?
Krycek: It's a Canadian delicacy - I'm Canadian, you see.
Mulder: I thought you were Russian.
Krycek: I was, but I was killed off last season, so I can be whatever the hell I want to be now!
Mulder: Oooo....k...... #3?
Flukeman: That question is just too juvenile - I won't even dignify it with a response. I'm beginning to think you're not my intellectual equal at all, Mr Mulder, and not deserving enough to carry my worms.
Krycek: Eww, you've got worms? Get the hell away from me!
Timmy: (to Mulder) Ask another question, and make it good! Timmy has a hot date later!
Mulder: Ok! Ok! Just don't hit me again! Bachelor #1 what's your favorite song to make love to?
Timmy: And sing it!
Mulder: Actually that's not neccessary -
(Timmy moved threateningly towards Mulder)
Mulder: And sing it! Sing it! For the love of God, sing it!
Carmen: (bats eyelashes and smiles) Hehe!
Timmy: She didn't sing!
(Carmen uncrosses her legs and crosses them, Basic Instinct style)
Timmy: (after a lengthy pause) Ok, Timmy concedes, she doesn't have to sing.
Mulder: #2, same question?
Krycek: (still staring at Carmen in a state of shock) Do I have to stand up to do this?
Mulder: Er .. no.
Timmy: Yes!
Krycek: Ok, just give me a minute! (stares hard at the ground for a minute, breathing deeply, then nods) Ok, ok, I'm ready.
Krycek: (standing up)
I feel like I've been locked up tight For a century of lonely nights; Waiting for someone To release me.
(rubs hands all over body)
You're licking your lips and blowing kisses my way, But that don't mean I'm gonna give it away; Baby, baby, baby. (Baby, baby, baby.)
(sticks butt out and shakes it)
Oh whoa... My body's saying let's go. Oh whoa... But my heart is saying no.
(starts dancing)
If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price you pay. I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way.
(rubs himself again)
If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true. You gotta make a big impression, I gotta like what you doooooo!
Mulder: Stop! Stop! No more!
Krycek: I'm a genie in a bottle baby ... gotta rub me the right way, honey
(rubs himself again)
Mulder: Make him stop rubbing himself!
Timmy: Timmy is somewhat aroused right now ...
Mulder: Bachelor #3?
Flukeman: (condescening laugh) There's only one choice - anything by Celine Dion (begins to sing, sounding amazingly like Celine Dion) Yooooooooooou're heeeeeeeeeeeeeere! There's nooooooooothing I feeeeeeeeaaaaarrrrrrr! And I knooooooooow that my heeeeeeaaart will go ooooooooonnnnnn!
Krycek: Make him stop!
Mulder: My ears! My ears!
Timmy: Timmy wants you to stop! Timmy thinks Celine Dion is evil!
Flukeman: Well I never! You're savages! All of you - savages!
Timmy: Ok enough questions! Timmy's getting bored! When we return, Mulder will choose his bachelor!
Krycek: (jumping up) Come on over! Come on over baby! (rubbing again)
Mulder: Eeew! He's doing it again!
Timmy: Timmy likes it when Krycek touches himself!
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS]
Timmy: Welcome back to the dating game! Mulder, have you made your decision?
Mulder: Yes I have!
Krycek: (closes eyes and chanting) please-pick-me! please-pick-me! please-pick-me!
Flukeman: Make it speedy, Mr. Mulder. I have a poetry reading I simply must get to.
Timmy: Mulder, who have you chosen?
Mulder: (with a very big grin) I choose CARMEN ELECTRA!
Krycek: Noooooooooooooo!!! (rips off his prosthetic arm and begins beating himself with it) I have nothing left to live for!
Flukeman: Well that was a waste of time. Toodle-loo! (exits stage)
Timmy: Why did you pick Carmen, Mulder?
Mulder: (already taking off his clothes) Look at her! She's HOT!
Carmen: tee hee!
Timmy: Timmy wants to know more!
Mulder: Well I picked Flukeman because he has that Mick-Jagger lip thing going on - I like the bee-stung look, but that was pushing it.
Krycek: (sobbing like Nancy Kerrigan in a lumbermart) Whhhhhhyyyyyy? (THWAK!) Whhhhyyyyyyy? (THWAK!)
Mulder: And I did't pick Krycek because, while the whole arm thing intrigues me, for Krycek and myself to do the horizontal mambo at this point in our relationship would ruin the whole UST thing we have going.
Krycek: (laying on ground, kicking and screaming) Noooooo! (THWAK!)Whhyyyyyy? (THWAK!) I'll never find true love! (THWAK!)
Mulder: So I pick Carmen - plus, she's real hot!
(Mulder is now down to his Marvin the Martian underwear - faces Carmen Electra)
(THWAK!)
Mulder: Gimme some sugar, baby!
(Mulder and Carmen run towards each other and begin making out live on camera)
Krycek: (watching with tears streaming down his face) Nooooooooo!! (THWAK!)
Timmy: Timmy loves free porn! This program was brought to you by --
(THWAK!)
Timmy: -- the Hunka Hunka Burnin' Lurve hotel in Las Vegas. There you'll spend a steamy night --
(THWAK!)
Timmy:- complete with king-size vibrating bed and heart-shaped bathtub!
Mulder: Oh yeah baby! (playing tonsil hockey with Carmen) Work it! Work it!
Timmy: Let's thank our bachelors, Flukeman, Krycek -
Krycek: Noooooooo-(THWAK!)-ooooooooooooo-(THWAK!)-ooooooooooo!
Mulder: (ripping off boxers) Who's your daddy???
(THWAK!)
Timmy: -- and Eddie!
Mulder: (freezing) Eddie? (turns to Carmen, who, smiling, morphs back into Eddie Van Blundt.)
(Jerry Springer reappears)
Jerry: Well Mr. Mulder, it looks like your infidelity to Krycek is coming back to haunt you.
Mulder: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (leaping up and down, wiping his tongue frantically, gagging and spitting)
Eddie: What? You don't want me anymore? You said I was hot! (arms extended, walks towards Mulder)
Mulder: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Mulder runs from the stage - Jerry and his camera crew follow.)
Mulder: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Krycek: (slings his arm over his shoulder and runs after them) Wait! I'll make you feel better!
(They all run past Flukeman, who's now sucking on Cameraman Phil's neck)
Springer: Mr. Mulder, will you take Krycek up on his offer to take you back?
Mulder: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(Naked, Mulder leaps into a shower, cowering the corner and whimpering)
Background: I know all there is to know about the crying game .......
Mulder: Make it go away! Make it go away!
Krycek: Imma comin' baby! (rips off his clothes and leaps in the shower)
(Quick cut to stage)
Timmy: Join Timmy next time when - what? What do you mean Timmy is fired??? (leaping in air, Matrix style) I'll have my revenge!!!
[CREDITS ROLL]