Topic: An blind poll How many of us have been sexually or emotionally abused?


Topic Posted by: LISA K.
Email: NY
Date Posted: Sat Aug 9 21:19:41 1997
Additional Comments: I have mentioned before I have experienced both.Please do not leave your name if you do not wish
Posted by: Sparky
Email: ****
Date posted: Mon Aug 11 14:09:05 1997
Message:
I do volunteer work at a shelter for abused and neglected children twice a week and am working on my doctorate in psych to help this population. I worked with the kids who President Clinton called the worst case of child abuse in this country. Trust me, he was wrong. There are worse cases of abuse than the 19 kids who lived in squalor. The effects of abuse - especially without treatment - are incredible and long-lasting. As most of you know, you can overcome your miserable beginnings or you can continue to be a victim. I applaud all of you who are working to overcome the abuse and to raise healthy kids. It is not easy. When I get my doctorate, I hope to work with abused kids so that they don't have to carry the baggage of their youth forever.

Replies:

Sparky, have you ever read, or heard of, a book called THE THROWAWAY CHILDREN by (Judge) Lisa Richette? Your post reminded me of it...eom...Mitch

No I haven't. I'll see if I can get a copy of the book though. Thanks....Sparky


Posted by: Anonymous
Email: ****
Date posted: Mon Aug 11 12:53:03 1997
Message:
My stepbrother sexually molested me for several years. It used to be I'd wake up in the middle of the night to find him touching me and rubbing himself on me. He begged me to have intercourse with him. But I was a virgin and told him to leave me alone. I didn't have a lock on my bedroom door. Eventually I figured out if I'd shove my dresser in front of the door he wouldn't be able to get in. As years went by he got wise to that and would grab me in other parts of the house. Family trips were a nightmare because he'd weasel ways to get alone with me and try kissing and feeling me up. I told my sisters but never my father or stepmother. He's the adored eldest son and I was viewed as a "trouble maker". I could hardly wait until I could move away to college to get away from him. But he'd still go after me on weekends home or semester break. I started to punch, kick and bite him when he'd come around but he kind of liked that. All this time he asked for intercourse but never forced himself on me that way. For some reason he'd listen to my pleas to keep my virginity intact. A ruse I maintained long after becoming sexually active. Finally his whining begging and groping got to be too much. I was ready for him. I knew he'd follow me into the showerhouse after a day at the beach. (I had put my diaphram in ahead of time.)He began pawing me as usual. I turned the tables on him. Instead of fighting him off I said, "You want it? Let's get it on." He was shocked, had a premature ejaculation and never touched me again. I don't really recommend this as a course of action, but it felt empowering to use my sexuality on my own terms, not his. He has a hard time looking me in the eye to this day. I know I still have issues to resolve about this but my husband and therapist are helping me to heal.

Posted by: Mitch
Email: pmitch01@msn.com
Date posted: Mon Aug 11 8:19:06 1997
Message:

The following is an excerpt from my letter which was published in a couple of national newspapers, as well as on the 'Net:


For eleven years -- eleven years -- I could not go out of my family's house in Philadelphia without being harassed for being gay, not to school, not to the corner grocery store or to visit the only friend I had at the time. When it became apparent to that friend that I was gay, he was no longer my friend. Pretty soon I did not leave the house at all. Not going to school only made matters worse; I was constantly threatened by truant officers and family alike with being sent "to reform school, where God only knows what will happen to you". Complaining of homophobic treatment in a Catholic school was absolutely out of the question for obvious reasons.

I have been hit, spat upon, ordered from friends' homes by their parents, virtually disowned by my own parents, propositioned by adults while I was still a minor, threatened and treated with contempt even by members of my own family. Never because of anything I did to those people, all because I was merely suspected of being homosexual.

Moving to San Francisco helped some, but the attitudes I faced as a child have not gone away, even here in "liberal" SF. As Truman Capote once said, "No matter how sophisticated you think straight people are, as soon as you leave the room, you're 'that f***ing pervert'.". He, of all people, was in a position to know. Though there is a non-discrimination policy put in place by my employer and there are city and state anti-discrimination laws, homophobia still exists below the surface. At least with laws in place we stand a chance of relief from these attitudes.

Replies God bless you Mitch. Not all straight people think like T. Capote said. I don't. eom Bobbi

Thank you bobbi. I wish there were more like you way back then...eom...Mitch

Mitch, thanks for sharing with us! You have obviously been abused to the fullest extent for something that you have no control over. I commend you for your openness and your attitude. God Bless you!! Eom/Peekaboo

Mitch...I feel and felt the same way as Bobbi...even way back then....Hugs Mac Mac

Mitch I'm sorry for the treatment you have had. I see my best friend at work treated that way also. I can't do much to control how other people treat him, but I can be his friend, which I am. I would like to be yours too. (Sandy)

Mitch, I feel for you, I can't stand when people treat people that way. It does not matter what lifestyle you live it matters what type of person you are is how you is how you should be treated. Everyone should respect everyone.

Before this topic disappears from the Board (tomorrow?), I wanted to thank you guys, Sandy, Mac Mac, Peekaboo and, again, Bobbi for your kind words and thoughts. God bless you, too!...eom...Mitch

And you, too, NJC! (I didn't want to leave you out. We must be posting simultaneously.) If any of you guys have a chance to see the movie ''Any Mother's Son'' on the Lifetime channel this month, please watch. I saw it last night and it was very good. Bye now!...eom...Mitch

Mitch, I saw that movie last night, and felt so bad for that boy, and his mother, who really did not understand. It was a good movie, and brought tears to my eyes. I don't understand how a parent could disown a child for any reason, since I love my sons unconditionally. They disappoint me now and then, but not love them? I know it happens for a lot of reasons, but I can't even imagine it. Good luck to you, and I hope that things get easier for you. KH

I'm sorry Mitch. I'm so very sorry. Sometimes I can't stand people. Sorry everyone--but this is one of the reasons I have a difficult time believing in God. I had to get that out. eom Kathleen

Hey, you guys! You can't let the opposition win and if we become cynical, they do win. I've always believed in what Anne Frank said, ''In spite of everything I still believe that people are basically good.'' Eom...Mitch

Posted by: Lilia
Email:
Date posted: Sun Aug 10 22:47:05 1997
Message:
I'm sorry for everyone who had to go through abuse...I have a question that relates to this though, I want to know if this could be considered abuse. Okay, when I was in 6th grade I was doing my homework and my mom was busy and I wanted her to help me with my math cuz I did not get it at all. She sort of helped me but she was doing other stuff at the same time and she called me stupid because I couldn't get it. So I called her a b*tch and she got really mad and hit me across the face really hard. I didn't cry or anything and I think that made her mad too and she spanked me and I threatened to call a child abuse hotline (I wouldn't have though cuz knew that wasn't bad enough, I just wanted to make her mad) She took my out to the car and drove me about 1/4 mile away. It was about 8:30, dark, and winter. I live on a gravel road in the country and I had socks, jeans, and a sweatshirt on..no shoes and no coat. She drove away and I had to walk home. And then one time later, we were arguing and I said I should have got her arrested when she did that to me and she told me I couldn't have got her arrested for that. I don't really care if I could have or not, but would that be abuse? I've had other things done to me that I consider abuse but nothing that bad. Me and my sister used to get spanked a lot (with a yard stick and hands, and I remember getting hit with a belt but my parents deny it) My sister told me I used to get locked in the bathroom but I don't remember that. (I think she could be thinking about the times I locked myself in the bathroom) When hitting didn't hurt me anymore and I didn't cry, my mom started burning my barbies. (that was when I was like 7-9) When I was around 10, my mom threatened to have me arrested for "assualt". I pulled my sister's (who was like 12) hair and she drove me almost all the way to the police station and she was telling me all this sh*t they would do to me. I convinced her not to take me there because she really scared me..I promised to be good all the time and a bunch of other stuff. I think I'm kind of violent at times now because I was hit a lot as a really little kid. I don't think anyone should hit their kids, but thats just my opinion.

I know this stuff isn't bad compared to what some of y'all have gone through but I just wanted to say it..

It sounds like abuse to me

To me also. (sandy)

You bet that's abuse. eom Bobbi

Yes, Lilia...That was abuse...The nerve scaring a child that way!!Hugs to you...eom MacMac

Posted by: Mac Mac
Email: macmac@almatel.net
Date posted: Sun Aug 10 21:43:38 1997
Message:
Lisa K..., Sandy...,Darla...,Noreen...,Bobbi...,KH...,Cara...,Michelle C...,Traci...,BJ..., and the one who didn't leave a name...It is so hard to conceive that these people did those horrible things to you...I am proud of all of you right now...You all seem to be "normal - not affected at all"....This makes me wonder how many people who I come in daily contact with have had the same type childhood....I am proud to know and say that each and every one of you are my friends and if you ever want to talk to me you can e-mail (above) me, or icq me #2187190. I want you to know I love you guys and I hope that by posting here it has made you feel better. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES!!!

*HUGS* to all of you!

And Thank GOD for my upbringing and my wonderful parents...Mac Mac

Hugs back to you for caring! (Sandy)

ITA I have read all and cannot not imagine going thru anything like that. I have heard the expression of being an abused survior, I guess you all are congratulations. EOM NJC

Posted by: Sandy
Email: 99
Date posted: Sun Aug 10 20:45:20 1997
Message:
I know that the reason I'm such an animal lover is because I saw my father do some really rotten things to animals. So I guess that was a form of abuse. I also think there is something lurking way back in my past, but it's going to stay there. It's (whether real or imaginary) not causing me any serious problem so I just think we will leave it alone. I do feel it lurking there sometimes.
We don't need to bring up ex-husband abuse because that would end up being a book!!
Please know that I really feel fortunate after listening to all of you, and I'm really sorry.

Posted by: SORRY NOT AS BRAVE AS ALL OF YOU YET
Email: NONE
Date posted: Sun Aug 10 20:21:30 1997
Message:
I am not sure about this post. It has given me mixed feelings. I too was sexually abused by a cousin. I am still trying to deal with it. I am in counceling and on antidepressents for the past 8 years!!! (the abuse happen along time ago) it all surfaced suddenly (to this day I don't know why) I ended up in a hospital for 30 days, during which I informed my family about the abuse. They were very supportive. I am still trying to deal with the anger and the guilt. It is just that when I look back on my childhood and now adulthood, I cannot beleive how much the abuse CONTROLLED my life and the decissions I have made (I won't go thru all of them). It is still controlling my life, I am very PROTECTIVE of my child, I still get very ANGRY when I read about someone being abused or see it on all the talk shows. My husband has been a ROCK during all this time, I can't even tell you how much that has meant to me. When I was ready to talk about it to a lawyer to see if I could do something, I was told sorry too late the statue of limitations is gone. I am very ANGRY about that because my cousin admitted it to all of the family and I could not do anything legally to him. It has cost us (husband and me) alot of money, medical, medication, and lost of pay from work (around $30K)which I feel HE should pay. I am sorry I just went on and on, this is why I am not sure if I like this post, but at my next appt. with the shrink it will be interesting when I tell her that I post on this subject I am sure she will say she is proud of me.

Replies:

I'm sure she will be very proud of you!! Opening up and talking is the beginning of healing. It sounds like you have suffered long enough with the shame and guilt.......my advise to you is to take that big stick you have been beating yourself up with and break it in half......then throw it away! I will pray for your complete recovery from this horrible situation. God Bless you! eom/Peekaboo

Good Advice Peekaboo...most of us are harder on ourselves, than anyone else ever could be. KH

Posted by: Darla
Email: *
Date posted: Sun Aug 10 17:20:03 1997
Message:
So much for anonymity! =) I guess a lot of people must need to talk. Let me first say that my heart goes out to all of you. It makes me so angry to hear about anyone else going through the hell I went through. (I feel like we should all be gathered around a fire, with a group hug to follow)... okay...the question is; who *hasn't* been abused? It's just amazing and appalling that so many people have endured this. I was not physically abused, instead I was emotionally and mentally abused. The things I saw and heard would make your hair stand up. My old therapist even started crying when I told her some of the things that haunted me. I can't get into it here, because it just makes me feel too sad and angry at my parents, which is something I've worked hard to let go of. As for the sexual abuse, my uncle (married to my mother's sister- so at least he wasn't blood, thank goodness) molested me when I was 11. His son followed in his footsteps when I was 16. My mother supposedly believed me when I told her at the age of 12, and even confronted him. He denied it and then it all got swept under the carpet for the next 17 years (oh yes- let's not omit the detail that my Aunt called me a little Whore for accusing him). The next years- until I was old enough to move out of home-hell-home- I was forced to see him at every family b-day and holiday. My mom even invited the man to my wedding!!! Well two years ago justice was served. He was accused by his grandaughters of molesting them, and this time he confessed. To it ALL. Including me. He admitted to my mother that his intent was to have intercourse with me. That makes me shudder even to type. He was arrested and died in prison of a heart attack after only a few months. I don't hate him, but I am consoled knowing that he has to answer for his choices in life now. The one who felt the sharpness of the knife the most was my mother, who was put through her own hell and grief that she didn't believe me (a new fact to me! I thought she had- but I guess the confrontation changed her mind) she had to live with the fact that she had given me those ulcers by forcing me to face my molester all of those years at every get together. So sad. I am so sad for everyone who knows any pain. Just vow to protect your children. To change and stop the cycle of abuse. =(

Replies:

Darla I I so glad that you are doing so well, Iw as afraid to post this topic at first but I am glad I did. It seems I have alot of sisters out thers.--LISA K.

Thank you for sharing........no matter what the problem might be, whether it be abuse, an addiction, or compulsion.....I think we all have seen some suffering in all of our families. Some much worse than others! The best way to begin recovery is by talking about the problem and pain. I hope things are going well for you now. I'm sure by sharing you have helped many here! God Bless you! Eom/Peekaboo

Thank you Lisa and Peekaboo... it's strange the way I can easi;y talk about some things, but not other -seemingly insignificant- events in my life. God bless you too!

Posted by: Bobbi
Email: 111111111
Date posted: Sun Aug 10 11:57:05 1997
Message:
Count me in too. Physically abused by my father, mother and older brother. l8 years of virtually living in a prisoner of war camp. Ya just never knew when you were gonna get it, and by whom. However, I will say, when I hear about sexual abuse, I drop to my knees and thank God for good old fashion physical abuse.
I'm so sorry for you guys. God bless you all.

Replies: (list all replies)

  • Thanks Bobbi I know exactly how you feel about that prisoner thing!--lisa k.

    Posted by: LISA K.
    Email: NY
    Date posted: Sun Aug 10 8:35:04 1997
    Message:
    WOW at first I thought that no one would answer this post or think I was kind of a wierdo.You guys have shared a lot so I will briefly tell you my story. I was sexually abused by my dad from 6 until I was 13 . My uncle tried a cople of times but by then I was used to fighting them off so he never got far...but he tried! My sister and brother were both also sexually abused by my dad. He was and still is a boozer and a druggie(the hippie era you know everything is groovey).My mom is a druggie she still smokes pot like every day. She is a VERY sexual lady and there was alot of competetion between her and my sis and me when we were little. She will come over and my husband will be sitting right there and she will like stretch and stick out her ass and her boobs I swear it is really sick. Due to this lovely childhood I had a pretty bad drug problem(pot) . It was bad and my brother too but we both kicked it together. The only person in my family I am close to is my brother . I have not seen my father in like 10 years . The last time I saw him I was 22 and all he said we "boy you got fat". Nice huh. I try and avoid seeing my mom if I can and I never leave my kids with her.My sister thinks the sexual is her ticket in life to do notthing and everyone should feel sorry for her. Like it did not happen to us!I avoid her a s well. Basically I think of my family as my hubby and my kids ,and yes I do spend alot of time w/ my kids building thier self esteem ,I want them to never have to worry about things I was worried about when I was young. Thank you all for you responses .

    Replies:

    I am so glad you posted this topic on this board. I post on a couple of others, and can't imagine a topic like this one, on either one. The responses, including my own, surprised me too. We all know it goes on, but we're still surprised when we find out just how many of us there are, and how close they are to us. Bless you. KH

    Posted by: KH
    Email: TEXAS
    Date posted: Sun Aug 10 7:54:57 1997
    Message:
    I was eight years old, and it was a friend of my dad's. I never told anyone, and didn't even remember it until a very dear friend had a nervous breakdown about 5 years ago, and I was visiting her, and found out she'd also been raped and molested repeatedly by her older brother, when she was 11. Seems she'd told her mother at the time, and her mother didn't believe her...one of those *women are worthless* things, because her mother was an only child, born late in her parents' lives, and grew up with her father constantly telling her he really wanted a boy. It was a real mess, the woman is still in therapy, and it was amazing all the skeletons that came out of the closets, including my own. I'd known her my whole life, and didn't know any of it, because she just couldn't talk about it. I'm sure that being molested affected me in some way, but I'd repressed it for so many years, it's almost like it never happened.

    Replies:

    I am so sorry that it happened to you too KH. -LISA K.

    LisaK, I surprised myself at how easily I wrote this, since I have never told a single soul except my friend I talked about. KH

    Posted by: Cara
    Email: n/a
    Date posted: Sun Aug 10 1:20:07 1997
    Message:
    When I was growing up my brother abused me physically and emotionally. I know that siblings fight but he took it to extremes, especially with the emotional part of it. Some of the names I was called can't be said here but he always made fun of my weight the most. He called me buffalo, beached whale,etc. I have a low self-esteem from this. Also, my mom is always on my case to lose weight. She is unhappy with herself and she takes it out on me.
    My self-esteem has been improving slightly. It has had a few hard knocks but it is holding up. I still don't take compliments well and I think that whatever I do isn't good enough.

    Replies:

    HI Cara isn't is so sad how people who hurt you can have such a profound effect on you life,you sound like you are really doing well though.--LISA K.

    I am doing well. When I see my brother he is still cruel but not like he used to be. He only seems to be happy when he is hurting others. -Cara

    Posted by: Michelle C
    Email: rivchelle@webtv.net
    Date posted: Sun Aug 10 0:36:54 1997
    Message:
    I was sexually abused by an uncle and a cousin. I am lucky that I have supportive, caring parents and I dont know what I would do without Gary. I grew up with virtually no self esteem, so one thing that I take great joy in is seeing my young little girls confident and outgoing. I want so much for them to have what was taken from me. I have been to tons of therepy and feel like I am dealing with it quite well at this point in my life. If anyone who has been molested and needs someone to talk to, by all means e-mail me. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has been there. Plus, I have had some special people in my life help me out and I never pass up an opportunity to do the same.

    Replies:

    HI Michelle, Iknow how you feel my hubby was a real rock for me through the worst of it. Gary is a special guy!--LISA K.

    Posted by: Traci
    Email: icq
    Date posted: Sat Aug 9 21:41:56 1997
    Message:
    Yes, both. My dad mentally abused me and my brother when we were growing up...left me with a very low self esteem. Was also molested by my step-dad when I was 13. He got away with it, which is worse. He got a good lawyer, and the jury was convinced that I lied, trying to break him and my mom up. I'm glad my mom did believe me, and did get me out of that environment.

    Replies:

    One of my biggest gripes is how justice for women and children in our courts have been non-existant. Even the monsters that are convicted of these heinous crimes do not serve the times that they truly deserve...eom Michelle C

    ITA!....I was appalled when I read this, and wish I still had the clipping about this...a few months ago, it was discovered that a 4 year old boy's 24 year old uncle was molesting and raping him. The man pled guilty, and agreed to therapy, so the courts gave him PROBATION, at the reccommendation of the child's parents!!!!!! Seems he was the younger brother of the father of the child and lived with them. Where was the justice for that child!!!! I don't know what their reasoning was, but how low will his self esteem be, when his own parents went against him?

    Well That sticks Traci well at least your mom believed you thank god FOR THAT!--lisa k.

    Posted by: Noreen
    Email: !!
    Date posted: Sat Aug 9 21:33:20 1997
    Message:
    My Dad has depression really bad and his doctors have tried EVERYTHING, he has the kind that can't be cured. Well he never really has said anything bad to us, but all of his kids (me included) have grown up thinking we are crap and can't do anything right, just like he thinks. I thought I had the depression, but after getting out of the house, it went away. I am so much better. Its really sad because all of us kids have always tested off the charts on genius levels, and yet I'll be the 1st out of us 6 older ones (there are 4 younger) to go to college. I feel mad at him sometimes because I feel like his illness really ruined my life for all that time, but I love him and I just let him be. I'm not starting anything about it, I'll just leave him sit in his chair and be in fantasyland for the rest of his life. But I feel like I'm still being emotionally racked by him because I feel sooo bad for my poor mom. Sheworks her @ss off as a nurse, plus she's in school & graduating with her masters in 8 mos, yet he won't work or even clean the house. She has to do EVERYTHING! And she is really unhappy. And I hate to see my little sisters growing up in that same depressing hell house. I try to be an influence on them, but it breaks my heart when my 9 yr old sister can initiate conversations about depression, its treatments and symptoms. I'm glad to have you guys, people who will never know me in person and never blab to people I know so I can get this kind of sh!t off my chest!

    Posted by: B.J.
    Email: same
    Date posted: Sat Aug 9 21:29:12 1997
    Message:
    Lisa K,
    There are times when I feel that I have been very abused emonionally by my mother. I know that she and I will never be close because she hates what I have become which is very independent. Both my older sisters are very co-dependent and need my Mothers approval for the things they do, I use to be that way but no matter what I do it's never quite good enough. I finally had to learn that what I do I must do to please myself and if I'm happy with what I do thats all that really matters. I could write a book on my relationship with my mom, or go on Geraldo. But what I think it the funniest thing is that since my Dad passed away she stays with me more and more because my sisters refuse to let her stay with them. So it's like they say the one you can't stand is the one who does the most for you.
    Now I have a question for you. Do you find your self bending over backwards building your kids self-esteem? I know I sure do. I make such a big deal out of everything they do, they must think I'm nuts half the time.

    Replies:

    WOW! You hit it on the nose about ''your kids'', I have heard that its a good goal to want to raise your kids better than you were raised, well for me its a personal vendetta! My boy is only 10 mos and already I tell him I love him countless times a day and I go crazy if my hubby doesn't do the same and COMPLIMENT the baby for everything! I am psycho about building him up!eom Noreen