A Fearful Mind Cries

Oh God, I cry,
what's happening to me?
and where are you
in my time of need?
All I can see
is fear and pain,
But You promised You'd never
leave me again!

I can't seem to see
or even understand
Where is the comfort
of Your guiding hand?
The thoughts that engulf me
I can't comprehend
Why is it I feel
I'd rather be dead?

I see my father
but why is he here
And why do I feel
so engulfed by fear?
What is this I feel
that I need to do
I cry out for help
Please, God, I need You!

Oh God, I don't want
to go through this again
The confusion that hits me
I want it to end ~
I try to seek You
but I can't see Your face
I only see fear
and confusion in place.

I can't seem to see
and I can't seem to do
What is it I need
to help me get through?
Oh God, not again
please help me
As I awake screaming
from a restless sleep.

I see my husband
standing by
He reaches to help
with tears in his eyes ~
I'm breaking his heart
he can't understand
The fear that I feel
as he takes my hand.

But what has he got,
what's in his hand?
What's this conspiracy?
I don't understand ~
What is he saying?
no, I'm okay
I don't need no doctor
to take me away!

I know I'm not crazy
and I'm not insane
But I don't understand;
this isn't the same ~
I'm aware and alert
of all happenings
But why do I feel such
intense fear within?

One minute I know
what I have to do
To save myself
and everyone too ~
When the next it doesn't
make any sense
The fear that I see
and feel so intense.

So God, I cry out
in desperation
Please hear my prayer
for sanctification ~
I cannot do this
all on my own
Please let know
that I'm not alone!

I pray for your guidance
to help get me through
With the love of my husband
and my faith in You ~
And I ask for Your strength
to envelop him,
For he's always been the wind
beneath my wings.

©  Christina
6th February, 2002

"This poem is like a personal nightmare.  A friend of mine has experienced the hell of mental illness; the nightmare that won't go away.   It describes the delusions and confusion she felt at the time.  She didn't even trust her own husband, who has stood by her through it all.   She thought he was trying to give her something to "shut her up".   I can't even imagine what it must be like to experience something so hellish, but I was there and was beside her, seeing her confusion....and seeing her torn between reality and nightmare.  It was indeed a very scary time for her, and I could see the fear on her face and in her eyes back then.   One of her delusions was that she thought her dead father was trying to warn her about her husband and friends being a part of Osama Bin Laden's group, and she was trying to "get" out and warn everyone else.  She thought that her husband was trying to hurt her, as being part of Bin Laden's group.   Laughable as it may seem to some, it wasn't to her, or to those who saw her struggle with reality and delusional nightmare.   The pain, the fear, the nightmares, the delusions were very real to her at the time, and it was real to us in a sense that we saw what she was going through, and we could do nothing to help her ~ she didn't believe us.
She has since recovered from this nightmare, though she doesn't have much recollection of the time.  She has given me permission to include this poem on my site, with a bit of insight into her story and what she went through.  She wants others to know the hell mental illness brings to oneself, to help us understand, though we never really can.   Only those who have experienced some form of mental illness or another can understand the nightmare...."

I wrote a sequel poem to this, as God reaching back to her:
Fear Not, My Child