Shattered Hopes and Dreams

I wish I could
Just curl up into a ball
And cry to myself
Long
Hard
And loud!
But I'm all out of tears.
Every month I cry
Wishing it was all just a bad dream
That my dreams of children
Would be true
This time!
It's all I ever wanted
A husband
A family
Children
A baby in my arms
A life of happiness ~
Is that so wrong?
What did I do
To deserve this?
To be denied what I so desire
To not have the joy
The love
The heartache
And the happiness ~
Why me?
When so many teenage girls
Have unwanted pregnancies
Every day!
Where is the logic?
Where is the sense?
And why?
It just isn't fair!
So today when I discovered
That my hopes and dreams
Of a babe in my arms
Was shattered
My own little bundle of joy
To love
And to watch grow
Was not there,
Everything inside me
Fell apart
Another disappointment ~
I hurt so much
I'm angry
I'm confused
Why?
I want to cry
I want to scream
I want this dream
To be real ~
I want a baby!
Why can't I?
The easiest thing is the world
The part of every woman
That makes her complete
When holding her own child ~
Why am I denied this??
Tears fall in my heart
As it slowly breaks
Each time I am disheartened
To find that it isn't me ~
There's no babe in my womb
And no hope left in me
My dreams are shattered!
I am not pregnant ~
Again!
Will I ever be??

© Christina
16th March, 2001

"It is so disappointing and disheartening, when struggling so hard to have children, to find each time that it hasn't happened ~ again. Each time a little bit more of your spirit, your hopes and your dreams are crushed. It is a lonely road to travel, believe me. Hoping this time it will happen, but there's always next time....and next time again, and again. And with each time, you lose more hope and become more disheartened. And each time your hopes and dreams are once again shattered. It is then you wonder, will my dream of a baby EVER come true??"