Humor and Fun Stuff!

Here is some amusing stuff... visit often! Lots of new stuff added on July 12-15, 1998!

Party bear!

Gund Platinum Edition Snuffles

THE AIRCRAFT DISCREPANCY REPORT

This is a collection of complaints about various aircraft submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots, and the replies to those complaints from Air Force Mechanics. Each complaint in the log book must be followed by the mechanics report and sign-off.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: "Test Flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "No. 2 propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "No. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "It does now."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on the right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm (feet per minute) descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative.
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found under right wing after brief search."

THE MEDICAL INSTITUTION

This is a collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (I am afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

The skin was moist and dry.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

TRUE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS...

"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

"Ushers will eat latecomers."

"The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."

"The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."

"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

"Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door."

"Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."

"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."

"The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."

"The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"

"Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

"Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

"A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

"Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."

"Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

"Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

"The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

CLASSIFIED ADS

These are some actual exerpts from classified sections and ads in city newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary provided.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Work Wanted: Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

nd now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00.

Help Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

TRAVEL STORIES

The following are actual stories told by travel agents:

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and everytime they have accepted my American Express."

When informed that his itinerary included a connecting flight, the man asked, "Does that mean I have to change planes, or do they hook the planes together like train cars?"

Then there's the woman who is suing the airline because they forced her to buy a new set of plaid luggage. She claims every time she called the representative told her if her bag was over a certain size it would have to be checked.

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat on an airplane so their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response....click.

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

HUMOROUS STATEMENTS BY AIRLINE CREWS

These statements were reportedly made by real airline crews in their efforts to make things more entertaining...

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

"Smoking in the lavoratories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavoratories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy, and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there, I really don't know."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Pilot: "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination Day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend but no big rush. Have a nice day."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella... WHOA...!"

From Northwest Airlines, the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

Another from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose air pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

Yet another from Northwest: "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."