Also Known As ...The modern dilemma of the value of a name Declan MacManus, Reginald Dwight and Gordon Sumner have contributed some of the most recognizable songs to the recording industry. But you wouldn't know it. That's because their names are less than memorable. In fact, they're downright atrocious. Perhaps I should refer to them by their rock star monikers: Elvis Costello, Elton John, and Sting? Okay. Now we're talking. So would their musical success smelled as sweet had they recorded under their birth names? Were they just ordinary blokes (all British by the way) whose superstar destinies eclipsed their less than stellar names? Did their parents put the same amount of effort into naming their children as naming a goldfish? Did the grade school teasing inspire them to greatness? And what balls does it take to wake up one morning and decide to be called a present tense verb? Sting, I'm talking to you. A great name can mean the difference between calamari and squid, garbonzo beans and chick peas, acceptance and rejection. It's what you call out to lovers on train platforms or in bed. You have personal favorite names and least favorites. You select your children's names long before they're even a glint in your eye. A name is your identity. When you see someone with your same name you feel ripped-off and robbed because, hey, that's MY name! Good names are memorable, fluid in speech, and look pretty on business cards. But not everyone is christened with a perfect name. You might have the surname from hell (Gagermeister) or maybe the surname from ubiquity (Smith). But you somehow just can't see your name in the opening credits or on the cover of a book. My name is Michelle Miller and while I like my first name, and the symmetry of my double "L"s, it's a rather ordinary name. A Google search produces so many Michelle Miller's I could start a club. I'm a greeting card designer, criminal justice professor, and probably a stand-up commedian. I don't know. I didn't look through all hundred someodd search results. But does it really matter? Is a name really a platform to greatness? Some famous people get that way because of their work, not their names (Ricky Martin didn't need a cool name, only hips. Kevin Smith didn't need a cool name, only a conveinence store). Ordinary names don't have the dazzle and and allure. The worth of a name is in its appeal to sensory pleasure. Indulge me in this brief excercise of ordinary vs. extraordinary names. Patti Smith vs. Téa Leoni. An "i" for a "y", annoying. Accent marks, fabulous. Dave Thomas vs. Kirsten Dunst. Two first names, blah! First name you're not quite sure to pronouce because of an "ri" letter switch, catchy! Ted Danson vs. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Ted, icky. Sarah Michelle, two names better than one. Minnie Driver vs. Thora Birch. Old lady name, connotes grey hair and famous mouse. Hip youngster name, connotes hip youngster. Jack Black vs. Renne Russo. Rhyming bad, aliteration, good. Billy Bob Thorton vs. Cameron Diaz. Redneck first name, turn-off, assexual first name, sexy! Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Julian Cassablancas. Too ethnic and too many consonants, bad composition of letters. Or bbeautiful ethnic sounding last name with two lovely ascending letters in the middle. Orville Redenbacher vs. Ewan McGregor. Huh? or Uh-huh, yes baby. My point is that the way to be remembered in this sensory overload world is to be memorable and appealing. Having a perfect face is ideal but at the very least you need a unique and catchy name. But then there comes the dilemma of actually changing your name to be unique and catchy. It takes a minor amount of gumption and audacity to kill off your bland, original name and resurrect yourself with a spiffy new one. Part of me thinks I'm just not cool enough to change my name, or even have a pen name. Plus I'm too lazy. Name changing is a lot of paperwork and confusion. I'll just find a guy to marry with an interesting last name (no Jones's and Johnson's may apply). Another thing holding me back from adopting another name is that I don't want the people who know me by this name to think I dropped off the face of the earth. If I become Victoria Just (a pen name I'm kicking around), my acaintences from years back wouldn't recognize my work as MY work. Kind of like changing your phone number: everyone already knows it and you don't want to change it and stop getting calls, right? All right, all right, maybe to alleviate the telemarketers. So I'm fine knowing that no one will remember my name, not unless I cure AIDS or something. I'll just stick with the ordinary name on my birth certificate. |
... But you can call me MadonnaFamous people who exchanged their names for better onesMyra Ellen Amos - Tori Amos Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone - Madonna Gordon Sumner - Sting Brian Warner - Marilyn Manson Declan MacManus - Elvis Costello Reginald Dwight - Elton John Woody Allen - Allan Stewart Konigsberg Kirstie Alley - Gladys Leeman Snoop Doggy Dogg - Cordozar Broadus The edge - David Howell Evans Andy Warhol - Andrew Warhola Find a pretty darn definative list of celebrity real names at Celbrity's Real Names |