I've learned that mental stability is extremely overrated; exceedingly stable people are really the ones who should seek help. I've learned that singing "its beginning to look a lot like Christmas" eleven months early is a good way to put the aforementioned mental stability in question.

I've learned that while performing a chemistry lab, it's usually not a good sign when your flesh begins to tingle and turn odd colors. While I’m on the subject of chemistry, you should also know that I've learned that our beloved chem teacher, Mr. Crowley, is running a black market on hydrochloric acid. What may look like a normal chemistry class is secretly a slave labor shop for Crowley and his shady chemical dealings.

One of the most important moments of my life came when I learned that Tuesday is the greatest day of the week. I'd explain why, but I don't have enough time. I've also learned that the clavicle and the spleen are the most important parts of the human anatomy; once again, I'd explain, but we have parties to get to. I've learned this year, much to my dismay, that calculus really is the tool of the devil. I've learned through many a painful experience that it is not advisable to walk into telephone poles. I've learned that there's something fundamentally wrong with me, but I guess we've already established that point. I've learned- and there's really no nice way to say this- that people in general aren't too bright. I've learned to live with this fact however.

I've also learned that life is all one big conspiracy, and that we'd all be a lot better off if we just learned to deal with it. I've learned that, shockingly, you cannot buy an armadillo anywhere on Long Island. If anyone needed an idea for a graduation gift for me, there ya go. I've learned that a good way to avoid being "just another face in the crowd" is to stay far away from the crowd. Either that or just scare them all away so you're the only face left.

I've learned that antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. I haven't yet learned what it means though. I've also learned that people can act like complete idiots and get paid for it. I haven't yet learned why I'm still broke. And maybe most importantly, I've learned the meaning of life…but I'm not telling what it is, so get over it.

But to be serious for one of the few times in my life, I've learned that the only thing that really matters is knowing who and what you are. The things I've mentioned in this heartwarming speech are all a part of me. Yes, I know how incredibly horrifying that must sound, but it's the truth. Sometimes this knowledge can be disturbing, but it's the one thing that's yours. Take me for example; I'm proud to be able to say what I am. I'm completely and utterly insane, which is just fine with me. As Robin Williams said, "we're each born with just a little bit of insanity, and once that's gone, you can never get it back." Through everything, I've been able to hold on to that precious bit of insanity I was born with… and I've learned to never let it go.