FUNNIES!!!!
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You can tell if someone is an idiot if they... Call you to get your phone number. Puts lipstick on their forehead to makeup their mind. Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate". Sends a fax with a stamp on it. Gets stabbed at a shoot-out. Was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!" Tells you to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." Tries to drown a fish. Tries to put M&M's in alphabetical order. If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change. Sat on the TV and watched the couch. Thinks socialism means partying. Thought a quarterback was a refund. Trips over a cordless phone. Got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. They had to burn the school down to get him/her out of third grade. Under "education" on their job application, they put "Hooked On Phonics." At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put 'Sagittarius.' Takes a ruler to bed to see how long they slept. They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. If they spoke her mind, they'd probably be speechless. Studies for a blood test and fails. They thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. Invents a solar powered flashlight. They thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. Sells the car for gas money. They thought she needed a token to get on Soul train. When he/she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), he/she went home and got 16 friends. Heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he/she moves. They think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead. When he/she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" he/she turned around and went home.
How To Be Annoying At The Mall 1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Tape quarters to the floor and see how many people stop and ‘try’ to pick them up. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King... 9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?' 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 18. Sprint up the down escalator. 19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'. 20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France...' 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'. 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'. 36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!' 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'. 42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. 45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.' 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.' 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
Cows Say the word "cow" before each word: Cows About Talking Idiot This Got I Long How Look Now say the word "cow" after each word: Cows About Talking Idiot This Got I Long How Look Now say the word "cow" before and after each word: Cows About Talking Idiot This Got I Long How Look Now read from the bottom up: Cows About Talking Idiot This Got I Long How Look
Top 10 things only women could understand 10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white 8. Crying can be fun 7. Fat clothes 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch 5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience 4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made 3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible 2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes ...And the #1 thing that only women could understand: 1. Other women!
~x~Wal-mart!~x~ Things to do at Wal-Mart when your very bored ~Run around the whole store yelling "I'm king of the jungle!!!!!!!" to the top of your lungs ~If theres a McDonalds in the wal-mart your at ask them if they have a whopper (they don't have woppers at McDonalds, they have them at Burgerking) and when they tell you no run out crying. ~Put miscellaneous things in peoples carts while they aren't looking. ~Run around the store singing "Opps I did it again". ~Walk like your a drunk person and fall down infront of a bunch of people! ~Go up to strangers and ask them if they know where Ronald McDonald is. ~Run down the aisles on your feet and hands pretending your a cat. ~Go in the movie section, pick up a movie you like and start acting or singing songs from it out loud. ~Jump into a cart and push yourself around by grabbing on to objects to pull yourself around! ~Jog around the whole store 10 times. ~Ask people where Mr.Smily is, refuring to the smily that wal-mart uses!
