PhD Ponderings

Ponderings #13 - The Resume

The other day (ok it was months ago), a faculty member on my thesis committee wanted to see my resume. I stared like a deer caught in headlights, then nodded ok and disappeared.

Back at a computer three weeks later, I had to send him my resume. This would require updating my resume. And updating my resume would require having one to begin with.

Hmm. So I stared at a blank word processing document for a few hours (over "lunch") and discovered that the software has this cool tool called a "Resume Wizard." But beware: it's not what you think!

My impression of the wizard: A little computer guy who hops out of the computer, asks you what you want the resume for, and magically creates the perfect resume that will blow away any potential employers or committee members.

In reality, the wizard is just a form to fill in all the stuff you have forgotten, like your kindergarten grades, the date of your last cavity filling, and the most obscure of all: what you're working on. I figured out pretty soon that this was going to take major effort. It was serious. It was like research. So I approached it like research - with the usual attitude of feigned incompetence and procrastination.

When my resume was finally complete, it contained several paragraphs detailing previous work, and one sentence fragment about my current work. It included the dates of my college graduation, previous PhD program, and the date of the current one (which reads 1876 - present). It includes the single award I received (luck, really) and the one paper on which I was third author (a kind postdoc). Quite embarrassing.

If I was going to actually show this to a thesis committee member, it needed embellishment. And if you plan on getting a job in industry or anywhere, you just can't have a resume like that. No way.

Where do you start? With sheer prevarication. That will get you far. Oh, fool yourself by saying everyone does it, and no one will be the wiser. Blow up that undergraduate good citizenship award into a presidential medal. Tie up your studies of how beads move in water to a cure for cancer. It's just like applying to grad school!

When you're done, have a sympathetic and older graduate student or postdoc go over your resume. They will suggest useful one-hour seminars with free food you can attend to add under "Meetings Attended," and will give you fake paper medals to add to your Awards list. Then you can show an undergrad how to pour you coffee and add to your Teaching Experience. Finally, go around and stare at everyone while they do their work (okay, stare at the one person who really works) and add whatever they do to your list of Skills. Ta da, a perfectly polished resume!

So now what? Do a final spell check. Add a cute picture at the top. Make it look really nice and print it on fancy paper. Add an amazing cover letter (ie gushing and exaggerating).

Submit it to every job hunting website you can. If you send it to a thesis committee member, add an expected graduation date (ie when you WANT to graduate). They will be so impressed, they will never ask you for your resume again.

From then on what? Hmm, if only they made a "How to pass an interview with flying colors" Wizard.