LONG LIST

How to Win at Golf

1. Training
   
   
   1. Mental prep
      
      
      1. Watch PGA on TV religiouosly
         
      2. Get that Playstation game "Hot Shots Golf"
         
      3. Rent "personal victory" subliminal tapes
         
         
   2. Equipment
      
      
      1. Make sure your putter has a pro autograph on it
      2. Pick up a bargain bag of tees-n-balls at Costco
         
         
   3. Diet
      
      
      1. Avoid baseball or football food
         
         
         1. No hotdogs
         2. No pretzels
         3. No peanuts and Crackerjacks
            
            
      2. Drink diet Coke only, no Pepsi
         
         
2. Pre-game
   
   
   1. Dress
      
      
      1. Put on shorts, even it it's freezing
      2. Buy a new hat if you lost last time
         
         
   2. Location and Scheduling
      
      
      1. Select a course where your spouse won't find you
      2. To save on fees, play where your buddy works
         
         
   3. Opponent
      
      
      1. Look for: out-of-shape, inexperienced players
      2. Shun: suntan, stethescope, strident walk, Florida accent
      3. Buy opponent as many pre-game sodas as possible
         
         
3. On the Course
   
   
   1. Tee first, then develop severe hayfever
   2. Drive cart over opponent's ball to degrade aerodynamics
   3. Say "fore" just before ball makes contact with opponent
   4. Always cooler holes are a good time to correct any errors in ball placement
   5. Never record strokes taken when oppent is visiting the "facilities"