Preacher's Ass
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,
"Preacher's Ass Shows"
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,
"Preacher's Ass out in Front"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,
"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"
This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,
"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states,
"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"
They buried the Bishop the next day.
Candy Fun
It was another Payday, and I was tired of being Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Crunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I said "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese Piece, don't be a Zero be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O'Honey?" (And what a piece of JuicyFruit she was, too).
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it to her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of the sudden...my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped............a Baby Ruth!
So be carefull what candy you eat ! ! !
Fly Joke
One day, a fish was swimming around in a pond when he sees a flies buzzing around about 12 inches above the water. He thinks to himself "If that fly would just drop down 6 inches, I could jump out of the water & eat it!"
A bear is watching the fish watching the fly & thinks to himself "If that fly would just drop 6 inches, the fish would jump up & catch him & I could get the fish!"
Back in the woods, behind the bear, is a hunter. He is thinking to himself "If that fly would just drop 6 inches, the fish would jump up to catch him, the bear would catch the fish & I could shoot the bear!"
Behind the hunter sits a mouse, watching all this. The mouse is thinking "If that fly would drop 6 inches, the fish would jump up & catch it, the bear would reach out & catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear & drop his sandwich & I could run out & get his sandwich!"
Behind the mouse sits a cat. The cat is taking this all in & thinks "If that fly would just drop 6 inches, the fish would jump up & catch the fly, the bear would reach out & catch the fish, the hunter would jump up & shoot the bear, dropping his sandwich, the mouse would run out & get the sandwich & I could catch the mouse!"
Well, it happened. The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish leapt up & caught the fly, the bear jumped out & caught the fish, the hunter jumped up & shot the bear, the mouse ran out & got the sandwich & the cat, well, he jumped too far to get the mouse & landed smack dab in the pool.
Moral of the story? When the fly drops 6 inches, the pussy gets wet.
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Plan
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."
And the Supervisors went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit Happens.
Tennis Elbow
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made
the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs,
Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant
It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better.
An Honest Resume
As Randy was working on re-spinning his resume' this past week, he realized that we're never quite truthful on résumé’s and job applications. We try to make ourselves look as good as possible, usually better than we really are. So today, Randy thought he'd fill out a job application the way he wants to rather than the way he should .....
NAME: Randy Allen
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha Ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yup.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collections of hubcaps and beer bottles.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
On Time
A little boy is flying with his dad on an America West flight. He turns to his dad and asks, "Dad, if big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats, why don't big planes make little planes?"
The father tells his little boy "son, that's a real good question and I don't have an answer for you. Why don't you ask the flight attendant."
So the little boy gets the attendant's attention and says "My daddy told me to ask you since he didn't know; If big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats, why don't big planes make little planes?"
The flight attendant tells him " why, that's a really good question that I think we better ask the pilot for an answer to." So she takes up to meet the pilot. And by now the little boy is getting quite frustrated because his daddy can't answer his question and the flight attendant can't answer it. And so he asks the pilot, "If big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats then WHY don't big planes make little planes? My dad doesn't know and the attendant doesn't know."
And the pilot answers; "you go back and tell them that the reason big planes don't make little planes is because America West pulls out on time."
The Escape
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
He the kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."