Good-Bad-Worse
Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie.
Bad: It's over five years old.
Worse: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your son's interested in school.
Bad: He has to do extra credit to pass.
Worse: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kid
Bad: He keeps interupting.
Worse: With corrections !
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer. (a GOOD one)
Good: Your wife sez you can go hunting all you want.
Bad: Because she's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Good: Your wife is helping bring in income.
Bad: She's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your spouse.
Church Bulletin Humor
Sometimes the word arrangement on church bulletins is humorous. Below are some samples. All are authentic, taken directly from announcements made in various churches.
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This afternoon there will be meetings in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet with the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the Altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water": one of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet please come forward and get a piece of paper.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Top 10 Drug Using Cartoon Suspects
10. Gargamel
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oil
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! she might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.
8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.
6.&5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at Boo Boo.
4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.
3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigations. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.
1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot.
And look at the way him and his friends painted that van!
Dumb Insurance Claims
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
The Ten Commandments and what they really mean...
1. You shall have no other gods before me (except for money which is what religion is all about anyway. Just ask Jim Bakker, Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell. Praise the Lord and pass the collection plate.)
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol (except for inflatable latex dolls that are anatomically correct) in the form of anything in heaven above (no rubber chickens) or beneath the earth (no rubber gophers) or in the waters below
3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your god (understand me, you goddamn mother fucking son of a bitch?!).
4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. Six days shall you labor and do all your work (of course it is permissable to work on the seventh day if one is paid triple time).
5. Honor thy Father and your Mother so you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. (which will be repossed if you don't keep up those payments)
6. You shall not murder (except in the name of god, country or for the appropriate renumeration).
7. You shall not commit adultery (unless you like that kind of thing).
8. You shall not steal (see exceptions to number 6).
9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor (unless there is a profit to be made. then lie your head off.)
10 You shall not covet thy neighbors house (unless it is nicer than yours). You shall not covet thy neighbors wife (unless she has big tits and fucks like a mink) or his manservant or his maidservant (see previous exception but include a large whanger for the manservant--if you like that kind of thing) his ox (if you like that kind of thing) his donkey (naw, they kick too hard) or anything that belongs to your neighbor (unless you can justify in your own mind that it truly should be yours).
Real California Driver's Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Historic Goofs
SPEECH GOOFSA Guide to World Religions
TAOISM
Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM
Confucius says: shit happens.
BUDDHISM
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
ZEN
What is the sound of shit happening?
HINDUISM
This shit happened before.
MORMON
This shit is going to happen again.
ISLAM
If shit happens, you submit to it.
CALVINISM
Shit happens because you don't work enough.
CATHOLICISM
Shit happens because you are bad.
PROTESTANTISM
Let this shit happen to someone else.
JUDAISM
Why does this shit always happens to us?
STOICISM
This shit is good for me.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE
Shit is only in your mind.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST
No shit on Saturdays.
HARE KRISHNA
Shit happens. Hare, Hare.
MOONIES
Only happy shit happens.
RASTAFARIANS
Let's smoke this shit.
HEDONISM
There isn't anything like good shit happening.
EXISTENTIALISM
What is shit anyway?
ATHEISM
No shit.
Stupid Laws
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no Joke!
Alabama: