Application to Live in West Virginia
STATE OF WEST VIRGINIA RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Last Name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box):
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(_) Billy
Age: ____, if known
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (phonetic spellings available)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
(_) Livestock
Number of children living in household (If you can count) : ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Relation of mother to father: _________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Does it have wheels? (_)
How many tornadoes has it been through? (_)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Number of shirts you own. (1.. 2)
Number of shirts that are tank tops with motorcycles on them(_)
What does your foam hat say?
(_) John Deere
(_) If I have anything to say to you I'll fart
(_) I own a chevy truck
(_) Old Fart's Wife
(_) No longer readable due to filth
(_) you don't know because you can't read
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
____ church benches ( for when father speaks of the sins of incest)
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
How many deer have you struck with it? (_)
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Have you been struck by lightning? (_)
How many times? (_)
While carrying a firearm? (_)
What flavors of aqua velva does the local bar serve on tap?
(_) springtime blue
(_) musk
(_) seaside green
How many of your family members are cross eyed? (__), (_)all.
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) Hustler
(_) soldier of fortune
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of times you've shot at Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of consecutive sober days (0, 1, 2, 3, can't remember)
Do you bathe? (_)
If so, how often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
Application to Live in Mississippi
NAME: ___________________________________ C.B. HANDLE: ____________________
ADDRESS: (R.F.D. - H.C.R.) _________________________________________________
DADDY (If unknown, attach list of 3 suspects): _____________________________
MAMA: ______________________________________________________________________
NECK SHADE: ( ) LIGHT RED ( ) MEDIUM RED ( ) DARK RED
NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN: _______ UPPER: _______ LOWER: _______
MAKE OF PICKUP OWNED: _____________________ SIZE OF TIRES: ________________
NUMBER OF EMPTY BEER CANS ON FLOOR OF PICKUP: ______________________________
TRUCK EQUIPPED WITH:
( ) GUN RACK ( ) MUD FLAPS ( ) CAMPER TOP ( ) AIR HORN
( ) 8 TRACK ( ) 4 WHEEL DRIVE ( ) AMERICAN FLAG ( ) RUST
( ) FUZZ BUSTER ( ) LOAD OF WOOD ( ) HIJACK SHOCKS ( ) MUD TIRES
( ) SPITTOON ( ) RUNNING BOARDS ( ) C.B. ANTENNAS ( ) ROLL BAR
BUMPER STICKERS:
( ) HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY ( ) HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
( ) ALMOST HEAVEN, BUCKSPORT ( ) SNATCH KISSES AND VICE VERSA
( ) OLD FART ( ) I LOVE HINEY WINE
( ) SHIT HAPPENS ( ) REDMAN CHEWING TOBACCO
( ) WOOD IS WONDERFUL ( ) SAVE THE BLACK FLY
( ) DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING? CALL 1-800-EAT-SHIT
( ) ALL YOU ECOLOGICAL BASTARDS CAN FREEZE IN THE DARK
FAVORITE BEVERAGE:
( ) BUSCH ( ) STAG ( ) OLD STYLE ( ) FALSTAFF
( ) BUCKHORN ( ) RED WHITE & BLUE ( ) BUDWEISER ( ) OLD MILWAUKEE
FAVORITE VOCALIST:
( ) ELVIS ( ) CONWAY TWITTY ( ) LORETTA LYNN
( ) SLIM WHITMAN ( ) JOHNNY CASH ( ) WILLIE NELSON
( ) DICK CURTIS ( ) GEORGE JONES ( ) YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER
FAVORITE RECREATION:
( ) SQUARE DANCING ( ) COON HUNTING ( ) FISHING WITH THE BOYS
( ) DRINKING ( ) BLUE GRASS FEST ( ) FISHING ALONE
( ) RACE TRACK ( ) FLOATING ( ) DEER HUNTING
( ) APPLE BUTTER FEST ( ) THREE WHEELING ( ) RODEO
HOW MANY CARS DO YOU HAVE UP ON BLOCKS IN YOUR FRONT YARD? _________________
HOW MANY KITCHEN APPLIANCES ARE ON YOUR FRONT PORCH? ____ HOW MANY WORK? __
NUMBER OF HOUNDS: _________ TYPE: ( ) BLUE TICK ( ) BEAGLE ( ) BLACK/TAN
MEMBERSHIPS:
( ) NRA ( ) VFW ( ) PTL CLUB ( ) DUCKS UNLIMITED
( ) FISH & GAME CLUB ( ) KKK ( ) WACKY WARRIORS ( ) ELKS
BASEBALL CAP EMBLEM:
( ) JOHN DEERE ( ) FORD ( ) SKOAL ( ) CAT
( ) BUDWEISER ( ) CHEVY ( ) BASS PRO ( ) EAT ME
ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING? (Check all that apply)
( ) SISTER ( ) COUSIN ( ) COUSIN'S SISTER ( ) SOW
DOES YOUR WIFE WEIGHT MORE THAN YOUR PICKUP? ( ) YES ( ) NO
DO YOU WEAR MOSTLY POLYESTER PANTS WITH SNAGS? ( ) YES ( ) NO
DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES (NOT COUNTING BOOTS)? IF SO, HOW MANY? ______________
LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG: _________________ LENGTH OF LEFT LEG: _________________
CAN YOU SIGN YOUR NAME AND SPELL IT CORRECTLY EVERY TIME? ( ) YES ( ) NO
HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH A WEEK? ( ) YES ( ) NO
ARE YOU A REGISTERED VOTER? ________ DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO DO IT? ________
DO YOU WONDER IF YOU NEED TO FILE A TAX RETURN? ( ) YES ( ) NO
DO YOU WORRY THAT YOUR HOUSE COULD BLOW AWAY IN HIGH WINDS? ( ) YES ( ) NO
WHEN WAS YOUR LAST UFO SIGHTING? ___________ ELVIS SIGHTING? ___________
MEDICAL INFORMATION (DO YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO OF THE FOLLOWING?):
( ) B.O. ( ) CRABS ( ) HEAD LICE ( ) BAD BREATH
( ) SCABIES ( ) YELLOW TEETH ( ) GREEN TEETH ( ) FLEAS
( ) RUNNY NOSE ( ) TATTOOS ( ) CROSSED EYES ( ) STUTTER
SIGNATURE (ONE `X' WILL DO) ___________________________ DATED: ____________
Application to Live in New Jersey
NAME:__________________________
Nickname:_____________________
ADDRESS: ______________________ EXIT # __________
______________________
ETHNIC BACKGROUND: _______Italian _______Sicilian ________Jewish
BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
a)Sewage b)Sulfur c)Garbage d)All of the above
TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED
a)Sergio Valente b)Jordache c)Sassoon d)Z. Cavaricci
PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER
a)100% b)95-100% c)90-95% d)85-90%
TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED
a)10 - 15 b)15 - 20 c)20 - 25 d)25 and above
# OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above
APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY
a)$ 5 - $10 b)$10 - $15 c)$15 - $20 d)Stolen
GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH? YES NO
HAIR HEIGHT
a)6 - 8 Inches b)8 - 12 Inches c)1 - 2 feet d)More than 2 feet
HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME
a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mouse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue
AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)
NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND
a)6 - 8 Inches b)4 -6 Inches c)2 - 4 Inches d)Under 2 Inches
CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE
a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
i) Fuzzy dice
FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM
a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders
FAVORITE MUSIC
a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springstein
ESSAY QUESTION
In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoos Guys"
_____________________
Cybersex...sort of
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cybersex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately--our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)
New Retirement and Training Policies
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Retirement and Training Policies
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we have been forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to go on an early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who will represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company, and provided that they are being RAPEd, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management. This will be known as SHAFT (Study of Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.
In addition, management wishes to assure the youngest employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels he, or she, does not receive enought SHIT on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. You supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
Employees who don't voluntarily take SHIT will nonetheless be placed on the SHIT list and be enrolled in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (DEEP-SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP-SHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EAT-SHIT). Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and are full of SHIT already. If an employee is unable to grasp the concepts of SHIT, he or she will be put on the Opportunities Halted probationary list. (OH-SHIT)
If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULL-SHIT). Those who are full of BULL-SHIT will get SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (DIP-SHIT).
There is currently an opening for Treasurer of the Organization for Us Giving Hell (TOUGH-SHIT) If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT-SHIT). For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the Department of Managerial Operational Research Education (MORE-SHIT). This course has its emphasis on how to manage MORE-SHIT.
If you graduate to the top of our list by taking all the SHIT that is given to you, you may qualify for our supervisor's program known as Comprehensive Remedial Advisory Panel (CRAP) You too can be a member of management. Simply take all the SHIT you can and you can look forward to additional CRAP. when you reach the top. Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both SHIT and CRAP can count on being one of the elite.
Also, our company is offering, for a limited time only, the chance for you, the ordinary employee, to try for Action Supervisors Staff Handling Our Loyal Employees (ASSHOLE). So work hard and you will find that the more SHIT you take and the more CRAP. you can handle may qualify you as an ASSHOLE and, one day, maybe even the Director of Intensity Programming (DIP-SHIT)
Thank you,
Boss in General,
Special High Intensity Training (BIG-SHIT)
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division.
(CROCKOF-SHIT)
Employee Performance Evaluation
NAME:___________________ TITLE:_____________________
DATE:__________________
DEPARTMENT:____________ SUPERVISOR:_______________
DOE:____________________
______________________________________________________________________________
KNOWLEDGE
_____This son of a bitch really knows his shit
_____Knows most phases of his job
_____Knows just enough to be dangerous
_____Stupid bastard; couldn't hit his ass with both hands
_____Fucker is brain damaged; a coffee cup has a higher IQ
______________________________________________________________________________
ACCURACY
_____Does excellent work, if not preoccupied with sex
_____Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
_____Doesn't give a shit if his output is right or wrong
_____Does shitty work and constantly fucks up
_____Couldn't count his balls and get the same answer twice
______________________________________________________________________________
SPEED
_____Fastest motherfucker I ever saw
_____Fast son of a bitch if he thinks he'll get a raise
_____Does a lot of work--at salary review time
_____Works only if kicked in the ass every five minutes
_____Could maybe do less work if he was in a coma
______________________________________________________________________________
DEPENDABILITY
_____A very dependable little cocksucker
_____Usually dependable--at salary review time
_____Conscientious only if sex urge is satisfied
_____Can depend on him to be the first to leave at quitting time
_____Completely incompetent--totally fucking worthless
______________________________________________________________________________
COOPERATION
_____Extremely cooperative
_____Brown noser in good standing
_____Cooperative only if his ass is kissed frequently
_____Thinks it's his job to piss off his co-workers
_____Doesn't give a shit--never has, never will
______________________________________________________________________________
APPEARANCE
_____Extremely neat and orderly; probably combs his pubic hair
_____Neat and orderly--at salary review time
_____Needs to be introduced to toothpaste and deodorant
_____Sloppy, dirty, filthy, smelly bastard
_____Flies leave fresh dogshit to follow him
______________________________________________________________________________
LEADERSHIP
_____Carries chain saw around and gets good results
_____Constantly pisses-off the troops
_____Occasionally gets told to get fucked
_____Only the custodians obey him
_____Couldn't lead a pack of starving wolves to fresh meat
______________________________________________________________________________
I have read and understand my evaluation.
SIGNED:______________________________________DATE:____________________________