"Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction, would I even care?
I would."

I miss Ryan.... a lot. He should be home now, and he should have called by now... Too bad that I had my cell phone turned off for a while, or should I say until I feel like calling the company and bitching. This all had to happen the day after he supposedly got back. Yeah, so I dont know if he has called me, or tried to call me... I am never home, but I am never doing anything that is worth missing the most important thing to me right now.

Hopefully when I look into his eyes I will regain whatever my soul has lost in the past couple of months. I am confused, what is happening to me, am I getting older... are my troubles getting harder.... or are they just becoming heftier upon my shoulders. I hate the feeling that things wont get better until I make a move in the right direction. I want to take that step but I really dont know where I am going. I dont know where I want to go. All I know is that when I am with him I am happy.

I wish sometimes that I could be one of those people that has it all together. Those people that have lives where everything works out perfectly.... HAHA.... yeah, until I realize that its a front. No ones life is perfect, everyone has it hard in their own way. Anyway, I have the experience to appreciate everything, the smallest to the largest of things.

I feel like now I should redeem myself with a happy thought... I am not a depressed person, I am not upset with all that I have done. I am just trying to be realistic with where my life is going. Right now... it just seems really empty, I have plans and I have motivation to do them, I just really dont know what I am waiting for.... Christmas.... Yeah, thats it!! and my Ryan...

I was called a goddess today, that made me feel happy. I think that I have a problem leaving here because I really help other people out a lot. With what I say, they learn, for being a peer instead of a parent, they really listen to whatever revelation that I may come across. So the compliment made me happy, makes me want to keep in touch with these people that I love, makes me think that maybe I am going in the right direction, or am about to take a step leading there.