"I need you to see this place, it might be the only way, I can show you how it feels to be inside you."

So yeah, another night, I am really bored.... Ryan is passed out on the floor for some reason...but I guess that's okay, he has to be at BWI at 930 in the morning, which means I have to go too....I guess.

I went out on the porch and smoked a cigarette. I got a buzz... I remember why I started smoking in the first place....

There really isnt much to talk about tonight, nothing really interesting has happened in the past couple days. I am just getting more and more confused over Ryan....sometimes... Sometimes things are just perfect and then sometimes I tend to read to deeply and I get upset, or am I reading too deeply??? I dont know. All I know is that I care about him a lot and I am sad that he is going to be leaving me tomorrow. Oh well, he is passed out as of now, I really want to wake him up... heh heh heh... so I can have him just one more time... (oops) but I dont know... maybe he'll wake up when he realizes he is curled up in a tiny uncomfortable ball on the floor. Geez, he looks so cute...

Everyone at Pizza Hut hates me... And this is supposed to bother me... Ha, well it really doesnt. I know of 2 maybe 3 decent people that work there, the rest are losers that either were too stupid to go to college and get a real education and to get a real job, or they have stupid friends that work there too and cant bear to leave that shithole. What is the world coming to? Jesus Christ, how about somebody leave Westminster!!! Its like the place sucks the ambition right out of you.... Pizza Hut... HA! Sure, I want to work there until I am 40 and have a pointless and meaningless existance.... HA! What a fucking joke! And these people hate me because I have a life, I have people to have fun with, I have people to have FUN with.... FUCK YOU ASSHOLES, how about you get your own fucking lives so you can get your nose out of mine. I guess people are just always jealous of what they dont have, and probably never will have.... and here I will be to go eat there and sit and laugh at those sorry sorry people.

I dont even know why I ranted about that... blah... So maybe I will go to the Mount with Aislinn tomorrow... I havent seen her still, its been a couple weeks now. Hopefully she'll be able to sooth my broken heart after Ryan leaves in the morning. I AM REALLY GOING TO MISS HIM.... Oh, way too much.... Maybe I should just let this all go, stop caring and find someone close to home.... Nah, fuck that, California will be my home and whether or not things work out with him and I, which I truly think they will, I will be happy not being in Maryland. I have allowed myself to be intergrated with the wrong people and now I am sorry for that, I just feel like I have to break free of all this madness! I love everyone here, everyone just needs to chill, take a break, and enjoy what they have around them....

I bought that new Incubus DVD today, the thing rocks! I just need to get Mikey to learn how to play "Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song)" for me. Then I could be happy. Brandon looks great, and I just found out that Jose is pretty damn hot too... There I go, ranting like a middle schooler...yeah whatever.

Ryan is still passed out on the floor. Should I do something about this?? I think so... but first I need a cigarette.

It must be 40 below freezing outside, but its a clear pleasant night.... besides I can see Orion.... Oh Ryan!

I was going to wake him up but he just looked so adorable sleeping there that all I could do was kiss him on the cheek and marvel at how amazing he is. Oh well, right now I could take him right there on the living room floor... with his mom right in the next room... yeah, I could.... but he's just to peaceful! Oh well, it just makes me want him more... yeah...

I'm beginning not to feel so well... Its late and I think that I am going crazy. It is definately time for Ryan to wake up and give me what I want before I leave.... Bah, yeah, I said it, and that's right, this is MY journal... yeah...