"So here we are tonight, you and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see what's on my mind
You've got me wild turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way I do now
Now let's make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
just for an evening
When we make our passion pictures
You and me twist up secret creatures
And we'll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends
Go back to being friends
But tonight let's be lovers,
We kiss and sweat
We'll turn this better thing to the best
Of all we can offer, Just a rogue kiss
Tangled tongues and lips,
See me this way
I'm turning and turning for you...
And tomorrow say goodbye..."

You dont know what you have until its gone....

Ryan left today, I watched him walk away.... And with him he took a piece of my heart... I have never felt this kind of pain before.... Its like the right side of my heart has been plucked from my chest and an empty chasm remains.... I couldnt cry, I couldnt move, I could do nothing except feel the sorrow that engulfed me...

The ride back to my car was unbearable.... There was a silence in the car that could not be broken... I could feel my bottom lip quivering, all I could think about was how much I miss him and how it is going to feel like an eternity until I can see him again. Saying goodbye to his mom was hard too, I think we both knew how much we both hurt inside...too much to even describe...

The ride back to my house was even worse than riding with the others, at least then I didnt have to drive. I couldnt keep my mind on the road, just on him... I tried so hard just to listen to the music and keep my mind sane.... I just .... you know.... couldnt stop thinking...

Last night was incredible... I finally got him to wake up, and it was easier than I thought, and he didnt seem to have any problem with it at all.... In fact, I think it was sort of on his mind when I woke him up... heh heh heh... Just writing about this makes me want to cry... I miss him terribly, and its been but what?? an hour?? I think I'm in ....

We were sitting up last night, waiting for the hour to come that we had to leave... Just the two of us... We watched a movie and sat by the fire.... All day today I have replayed his words in my mind, as crystal clear as the moment he said them to me... I was sitting on the couch, and he was on the floor. I had my legs wrapped around his body, we were both content....warm....and most importantly together... "This is going to sound weird.... Imagine that my mom wasnt here, and that this was our apartment." I could have cried... No words could describe how in .... with this boy I am. He is horrible for doing this to me, but I care about him even more for it.

So I finally got home and I did cry... and it hurt... a lot... I thought my head was going to fall apart. I came in and went to seek condolence from my mother. She just ended up saying how worried she was because I havent been home in two days, which I understand, I gave her a hug, and I started to cry, then she went straight to attacking me and Ryan and our situation... She says that I dont give a shit about her or my father or my brothers and how its all about what I want. YEAH IT IS, I guess, I want Ryan, and I want to be happy. I dont care of her opinion on that. Well, here is what she says.... He better have proposed to me.... HA, you know, if he did, you know, I dont know, I would just be like, this is way too soon, but I dont know, I would say yes, of course I would, geez, but geez, way too soon. I cant even say those three horrible distasteful words...well, they are if not used in the right sense.... I have a problem with the word itself, and you know which one I'm talking about, you know, the big "L" word.... Big problems... I havent said it in a long time, and that word has A LOT of meaning to it. (I need a cigarette just talking about this). But I will say this..... I love the boy... (Ouch heartache....)

I love the boy, I love the boy, I love the boy.... OUCH! Ok, so yeah, its not saying "I .... you" to him, but I really dont think I need to... He knows...

So yeah, she said that I had better not go to California.... That I shouldnt run to him, thats not the way things are done. She thinks that he'll never propose to me if I do... Geez, how does she know that that is what I want? I dont know if I want that... I'm only a teenager for the love of God! Like I said before, too soon.... but Christ, I will make him put a ring on my finger if it gets me out there, even if it means nothing is to come of it... I am just too young, I want a boyfriend, not a husband.

Apparently, according to her, I dont know his intentions.... I dont know his intentions.... She had the nerve to say to him "What if you are just his fun while he is in town." I cried like I have never cried before, I know it not to be true, but it damaged my heart all the same. Why would she think that? Why would she say that? Why did she have this conversation with me???

Is she just afraid that she is losing her eldest, her only daughter. I know that she doesnt want me to end up unhappy. I just want her to understand that he makes me happier than I can ever tell her. I wish things could work out the way that I had planned, I wish that Ryan and I could just be happy together, I wish my mother wasnt my mother but a peer, but a friend. I guess that that is wishing for the impossible, she was raised at a different time, with different values, and a different standard of living. One thing will always be the same though... love... Feeling love never changes. I can only hope that she will remember what it was like to fall, and I hope that someday soon she will understand my position.

I would throw my life away, everything that I have ever worked for, just to be happy, contented, in love, feeling euphomonia....words cannot describe.

I think my karma is coming back... Ha, he awakened it with only his lightest touch. What am I to think when just being with him is ecstacy??? We could make it together if we only had the chance, I dont think we would even have to try. My heart aches to be with him, just to touch him, oh, and to have him... "There's a light in the darkness of every-bodys life."

There is a twist though, the twist which has always been there, but changes nothing. It just breaks my heart a little more with worry. I dont know what I am worried about, I guess that its just that I have been with him this week, I have had him in my arms, I have had more than just talk on the phone, I have had more than just distant love.... I have cradled it, felt it, been in it, am in it more than ever. This is his fault for coming home... His fault for awakening this sleeping demon and my chest.... He has this girl at home in California, he talked about her, told me that he told her that he came home and was going to see me, and she said that it was okay. The last part bothers me a little, why? I dont know. "She said it was okay." Well okay, if she hadnt said it was okay, would he have seen me anyway??? Yes, I am absolutely sure, but would he have told her about it when he returned home? Still, why does this bother me?? Her existance sort of bothers me, a little, but I dont really mind... I am not innocent, I have had some boyfriends here, but I know they meant nothing compared to what he means to me. Another horrible thing that I must confess, if I have talked to him or hes on my mind, whoevers lips I kiss are his. I just hope that he has this horrible affliction. This is another sign that I have utterly fallen for this awful awful boy!

I blame this all on him. He did this to me, I did not fall intentionally, in fact, I fought it, I fight love hard as I always have ever since a certain somebody broke my heart... you know who you are.... I never want that to happen to me again. I never want to feel that pain again... I would never wish such pain upon anyone, I would rather wish them death. This is the reason he is an awful awful boy and its all his fault.... I feel emotions and if he ever breaks my heart I would be in a terrible position. I feel like I am in a terrible position right now, missing him so much, knowing of her (which I am glad of), my mother being so harsh, and knowing that this is only the beginning to a long trek full of wonderful and horrid experiences. I know that I am going to be thrown in both directions.

A new beginning, starting with tonight. So later I am going to have to deal with a reaming from my parents, dinner time does not look very promising. I just want to buy my tickets, pack up, leave, and call Ryan when I get there. I would only be a couple hours behind him... I just hope that me being out there is what he really truly, really truly wants. Those words "Imagine that my mom wasnt here and that this was out apartment." Echo... They bounce in my mind, over and over and over....

I cant wait to hear from him tonight, thats what is keeping me from running out of this house again. To hear his voice is going to let me know that I am going to be alright, that we are going to be alright. I just have to remember the time that we spent together and how amazing he is, how amazing we are.

I had a disturbing thought on the way home from the airport, and it was this: maybe I should try to forget all those times, maybe I should erase those memories and cut out my heart.... I thought about finding someone else, try to replace, try to forget.... Maybe I would be better off.... I sincerely doubt that I would ever be as happy as I am now, knowing what I have so far away. Maybe its possible, but I doubt...DOUBT it, but then what if he is thinking the same, besides he already has her.... Does he feel the same way as he feels with me as he feels with her? My heart is bleeding having thought that....

I cant find the right words, I can find so many words, but none that are capable of describing the way that I am torn right now. Nothing can be right until we are together again, or apart forever and I have a labotomy.... Oi....Me....