"Society must let the artist go to wander off into the nebula.... I lay my pencil to the porous page and let my lunatic indulge itself."
Taking psychology makes you think everyone is insane.... including yourself...
A couple months ago my parents made me go to a pschologist because I was having problems with getting along with them. To make that long story short, they wanted me to have a cerfew of like 12 and I was like no, and I took the car anyway, or something to that effect, then they thought that they would ground me and I was like no, and they decided to take my keys, the security device from my car, and the tags as well. Yeah, I flipped out on them. Sometimes I really hate them. Yeah... so anyway, they made me go to a psychologist....who told me that I was perfectly sane and it was my parents that needed to let me go. Geez, I'm like 19 already, why dont they just give up and let me make my own mistakes! So, she told my parents that I had a clean bill of health and that I needed no medications to dictate my moods. I was happy with this diagnosis. My parents were not however. My father was like "what the fuck, she needs pills, blah blah blah." NO, you know what dad, YOU NEED STRONGER PILLS YOU CRAZY SON OF A BITCH!
So today I get into my car. It wouldnt start. When I finally did get it started it sounded like it was about to explode, I took it down the road a little ways figuring that I would take it to a mechanic... It stalled no even an eighth of a mile down. I turned around went right back home and called my mother telling her that I needed to get the car down to the mechanic and blah blah blah and she was like "wait until your father gets home" or whatever. I call my fucking crazy ass father to tell him what was going on and his reply was "oh, I took the distributer cap off your engine, clean out your car, I sold it to a girl here at work." Uh-huh... I was like, I dont think so, and hung up. I called my mother back up and she was like "we need to talk." and I was like "I dont think we do, I have somewhere else to live, I'm calling a cab." and hung up. My parents are a little smarter than they look because I think that they took my credit card as well, I cant find it anywhere. Yeah, I mat be a mess but I always keep track of where I put it, either in my pocket or in my purse. You know what, its gone. I cant do shit right now, nothing, nada. I have to sit here and wait for those two assholes to get home so I can get reamed out for being gone for two days and hear that I am not getting my car back and all that bullshit.
I was planning on being gone when they came back, probably in my solice in Westminster where I could plan my next move.... I really have to start looking at going back to school, and hopefully that will be in California, where I would hope to call home. I really dont know what is going to happen with Ryan, my heart and my mind are telling me two different things. Its no matter with this situation though. I just have to get out of here. I really dont care about what my parents have to say at this point. My mother broke my heart with the conversation that we had yesterday, Ryan failed to call me, which really pisses me off, you know, I'll rant about that later, my father is just a complete psychopath that needs to be admitted to a mental institution. For years I have wanted him out of my life, its horrible, he is my father, but I am sick of this shit, just fucking sick.
I hate the way that I talk, I hate cursing, I really do, I want to be a fine young lady or whatever.... haha... I want a happy life.... My father ruins everything. He awakens every ounce of hate that I burns in my soul. I wish he was gone. I wish I never had to deal with him again. I have to get out of here, he makes me insane. He is poisoning me. I can deal with my mother. If it was just mom and us, I would be able to deal, in fact, I think that my life would be a lot better than it is right now. I feel I owe her a great deal. Without her I swear that I would be dead, and not in my own doing, but I'm sure my father would have done something that was just over the edge. She has stopped him so many times before, then she blames me for what he does. Yeah, sure, I do some stuff that is straight fucked up but nothing that I do deserves being thrown down stairs or thrown into a wall or having shit thrown at you. I have covered the bruises for too long.
Maybe a month ago my whole entire face was swollen because he pushed me from behind right into the refridgerator.... sure, laugh... its not funny. He goes too far. Blame his illness, blame that, blame his father, blame him, blame me for making him so angry, blame me.... FUCK THAT, blame yourself for being irrational, blame yourself.... just this once!
I love my mother. Maybe it is my fault, maybe I did do something wrong, maybe we should talk about it, I am willing to talk about it. I am not really angry that I am going to be punished for being out for two days, but I dont even get to talk before my father does something to me. He has no right to take apart my fucking engine. He has no right to sell my car behind my back. No, he doesnt. He does have the right to kick me out of the house. He does have that right. He does not have the right to keep me locked away in this house. I am old enough for that. His solution is always to trap me in this house, lock me up in this house, he knows that that makes me more miserable than anything. My mother is the only one that tries to protect me from him. I havent tried to protect myself by fighting back or calling the proper authorities. I swear if he touches me tonight, it is his last night that he will ever have the chance.
There is no reasoning with the man either. Once he has an idea of what happened in his head than that is what happened. I have to talk to my mom. I dont even know why I would say anything mean to my mother, she means no harm to me, ever, she gets angry, but we can talk about it, resolve it, and its over. Not my father, he doesnt care about what I have to say, he'll just sell my car. FUCK THAT, I will take the distributer cap out of his car and find mine (which I know is in his favorite hiding spot, his trunk) and leave, let him go and fuck himself.
He knows that I had things to do today. He is always bitching at me to go and find a job, I was going to do that today, I had a doctors appointment today, he knows that I cant miss those, that I need to go.... I had to go to the bank, and to court, I had all these important things to do....but I guess that really doesnt bother him one bit.
I knew when I moved back in here that it would never work out. My mom promised me that it would. I said that I would try and make things work as well, but when they were going to condemn me from seeing Ryan, I wasnt about to adheir with what they wanted me to do. Fuck that, I left, and I didnt come back until he had gone. I wanted to spend every moment that I could with him. I am sorry that my parents took the back seat on this one.
I think that my mother would really like Ryan if I didnt like him so much. I think that is just a mother thing. Shes not going to like any guy that I am with unless they put a ring on my finger, then they will be "swell" in her book.
So maybe I should stop being so angry... Ok, the rant about Ryan not calling me. He said that we would call me when he got back to his place in California, and he didnt, and I wanted to hear from him so badly, so I waited for his call. It just makes me think about what my mother said to me yesterday, maybe I am not important to me at all, maybe I am just his fun while he is in town, but then I hear his words, and they echo along with my mother's. Maybe its just my mind thinking too much. I always seem to think to much, so I guess my plan tonight is to get so fucking destroyed that everything makes sense. Makes sense, doesnt it?
I feel like as if my ranting will somehow discourage people from ever talking to me again, and I'm scaring Ryan out of his wits, whatever.... Its all good, yeah.... This is just me, this is my medium to let my lunatic indulge itself.... Hehehehe.... Much love to those who except me and my craziness... Yeah....