"Crash into me, and I'll fall into you."

So yeah, its the new year.... the same old stuff as yesterday with a new tag on it.... Yay....whatever....

The party last night was fun, there were a lot of people that I didnt expect to see, people that I havent seen in a while, and people I had no idea who they were. It was a successful party, you know, with all the elements, the dumb people that never get drunk and this was their night to puke their guts out, the old partiers that were up all night, and those that just said "fuck it" and passed out. Yeah, it was a good party. I hope Ryan had fun at his.

My anger at that boy gets stronger everyday. I have an email address, you know, he could drop me a line. I havent even heard from him since he left. I was expecting at least the phone call that he was back, and blah blah blah.... I didnt even get that. My friends have different opinions on the situation. I dont know what I am going to do, I dont even know what to think. Bah!

My major conclusion has been not to worry about it as much. I mean, who cares, I dont ever see him, I dont ever talk to him, the only time that I really spend with him is when he is at home. That isnt enough time to give a shit the rest of the time. He is just...whatever...

As time goes on the pain gets smaller and I begin to forget about my feelings for him until I recall them. If he cared then he would make the effort to talk to me. He isnt doing a good job keeping me happy and keeping my interest. He has a girlfriend, which I have no idea how he feels about, but she has an existance. Apparently hers is more important than mine, looking over this whole situation. I guess it will all be okay, I just have to start over with someone else. Someone around here.... Gnah, I am afraid of that. At least with Ryan he is at a distance, a real geographic difference seperates us.... That makes dealing with this better... If he was here all the time I wouldnt know how to deal with him. I know that I would probably act the same, but there is always a chance that I would push him away....Thats been my way of coping with others since my perdiciment or whatever, Jow knows what I am talking about. I really have no need for that sort of thing to happen to me ever again.... I feel like I am really getting old for all this shit... Blah!

One of my friends told me to go out to California, what was standing in my way?!?! I guess this whole thing is my fault. Maybe I gave him the wrong idea by staying home and not leaving with him. Maybe he doesnt know how much I really do care for him. I just couldnt pack up and leave right now. Blah, I dont know, I'm being retarded. I should stop making excuses and get out there, where I have a better chance at being happy than I do here. I'm just not sure of him right now, I thought that I was, but where the hell is he??? I should have heard from him days ago... If he really cared then I would have heard from him by now, no matter how hard it was to find me. Thats just the principle of the thing.

I tried to call him the other night, and for some reason I couldnt get through so I sent him an email. No response... bah, so did he get it and say "fuck it" or did he never see it. Blah, either way I am still pissed. Knowing either way would vary how pissed I was, but ah!!

I guess I'm just mad because it hurts so damn much!

I should take some advice. My friend Jon was talking to me the other day about the whole thing. I guess that no one really understands the situation, because it is weird, but they understand enough of it to know that right now I am not happy and that I have to do something to correct it. He thinks that I should just forget about the heartache and move on, guys are evil, and there are a lot more than just him to be in love with. How true!!! Someone please get me started, somebody please make me forget about him!

I wish I could have spent last night with him. Maybe I would have been truly happy. I felt sort of empty last night, like I was totally missing something amazing. He went to some party out there, and I am sure that he was having the time of his life, I just hope that I crossed his mind at some point.

All I do is bitch about him all the time now, and I bitch that my life isnt going anymore.... Blah! Like, what the hell am I supposed to do? I have to do something, its just like the more that it seems like things are getting better they just get worse, I just get more confused. I wish I could just be with Ryan (or somebody) and be happy. Yeah, a new year, nothing really has changed for the better since the start of the last one.