"Will I ever get to where I'm going? If I do will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction would I even care? I would.

Thinking that I would come home to a queit house to write this literary masterpiece was destroyed when I pulled up to my house and all the lights were on. To make matters worse Stephen had a friend over. Stephen is a virus. Stephens friends exponentially stunt his malignacy. Now all the wonderful and beautiful things that I had to write, that were planned out in my head on the way home are forgotten for the moment... I hate that... Hopefully I will remember it.

Incubus will help me remember it. Incubus helps me, I can just remember those times spent in the mountains where I had little to no cares at all. I start thinking in wierd patterns when I listen to this band. Its not that I just enjoy the music, or I am really taking in the lyrics, I just get into this weird philosophical mood. So when do things get better? I give life this one, it is getting better, thank you, but its not that great yet.

Not to say that I am not happy, because I am exceedingly happy, yet tormented tonight. I cannot really pinpoint the exact topic that is bothering me, eh, I guess it was some people being in my face tonight, it was just a weird night.

Well, I was up at 5 am this morning.... So right now I am soo tired, and before I was quite irritable. I went to Jon's party, which I was really looking forward to, why? you guess. So anyway, I went and a "friend" of mine had to tag along and bitch about me taking him to Taco Bell when we were only there for like 15 minutes. You know, I understand when money situations suck, and when car situations suck, or whatever.... You know, I have very little and when I can I can share but that doesnt mean that I am going to give up everything or owe you anything. I just feel sometimes people are playing me on that card. I help them when I can, but, please, right now I am supporting myself, why cant any of you? and why do I owe you? Now I sound like I am the stuck-up one... NO... okay, imagine everytime you see this certain group of people they are always crawling down your back for something. "Can you do this? Do you have this? Can I borrow this?" And please, this is a couple different people and I get these requests all night and all the time. And yeah, in most cases I would help them out graciously (you can ask) but when its all the time and you are in my face and you are not respectful to what I want to do and in most cases we are using my car or my money.... EH, I sound like a stuck up bitch right now... but whatever. If you know me then you know that philosophy and psychology are things that I hold to my heart, even closer than other things, there are certain virtues that I hold very highly. I am always looking to be a good person or better than I was.... eh...

Speaking of being a better person.... I think you know that you really like someone when they make you want to be a better person than you were when you woke up in the morning. Its like you would give up your world to be in theirs. I can feel myself moving in this direction, another paradigm shift in the life of Lauren. He makes me rethink everything I say and everything I do, and its a good thing, a very good thing. Every once in a while you have to step back from the direction that you are headed and analyze everything.... and not analyze it because your head tells you but what your heart tells you.

This is a beautiful and horrible thing in its own little ways, but I tell you its more wonderful than anything in the world. Ryan keeps on coming and going from my mind. I feel really awful, in my own respects, for not keeping a commitment that I felt so strongly about only weeks ago. I know though, that he will always have a place in my heart. Eh.... but...

I am moving in this direction now, getting my life together, and I think that this time I have the motivation to do it. I have always wanted to do it so here is my chance. He has made me see a little better what I want and how to get it. Its weird and its great, and geez....

Look, my cursing quota has gone down, I havent the slightest clue why....

Another weird thing, this guy isnt even what I would call "my type." I was thinking about this a lot on the way home. Hehehe.... not my type at all. Heres the thing though, I have a stereotype of the kind of person that I would be best off with... heh heh... ummm... where am I right now? what kind of stuff have a gone through with boys? You dont want to know really, so if they were "my type" God help me when I find another that is "my type." I would be condemning myself to another hell, or possibly something great... but hey, he isnt my type, and thats great, I dont need another "my type." I need someone that is going to make me happy and is going to make me be better.

Man, this just wants me to read some Socrates and Aristotle.... Yeah, it all makes sense there and it is worded better, eh, if you can read that sort of thing without wanting to poke out your eyes... but I'm one of the strange, I love it!

I need to quit this quabble and go to bed. My brain hurts from thinking too hard... or possibly because I am still staring at this computer screen. Either way, I got to go to bed.