God, time just keeps on ticking away... Eh, and the more of it that does the more I want to cave into him. Things have got to change, things have got to get better. I need to do something to get him off my mind.

He claims to love me... God, what am I doing? He asked me to move in with him months ago, he showed me that he loved me in a million ways when he was here. Why is it that our lives seem so distant when he is so far away? Why is it that he thinks that everything can just be corrected by an email? I understand this whole Navy business, oh yes, I really do. I understand it, I just can't take this. I know that its just like a regular job, and I have had those before and still had the time in the day for him. I also know that he can get called in and sent to wherever on someones whim.

Maybe I'm the one who's wrong, maybe I am the one thats asking too much, maybe... God, he wants me to give up my life here to be out there, and I probably would have, but I never wanted to burden him, and I would have been one, and I would have hated that. He doesnt seem to understand that I would give up the world for him, but I would never want to be a burden, eh, even if he doesnt care that he would have to support me, I couldnt do that, I couldnt live like that. He doesnt see the consequence, he didnt understand that thats the reason I didnt leave in the first place. I wanted to, at that point, with all my heart, but look what has happened now.

It all stings like a slap in the face... Should I have given up everything? That would have been like me asking him to leave the Navy. I couldnt do that. I think now he understands, after all the bitter emails. If he could have picked up the phone it wouldnt have ended up this way. Now my life is seemingly on hold. What am I waiting for? (A certain shade of green?) Resolution.

I'm so lonely without him, he has been my world from the second that we met. Now, its over... Well, something wonderful has to happen in my life soon here in Westminster or I will end up out there, trying to salvage what once was so perfect. It hurts so much now that it is shattered.

I feel like I am betraying him... I'm moving on, I'm changing my life, all without him. The reformation of my life wouldnt sway him, I am the same person all-in-all and the way that I conduct myself in his eyes would matter not. He told me that whenever I felt like quitting something he would as well, heh, so neither of us were motivated to change anything, I mean, why? We both had out own holes that we were digging? Well, here I am trying to dig myself out, hopefully he isnt digging his deeper, especially with what I said and what has happened, I dont want it to end up his grave.

The betrayal lies in the moving on part. So I have my eyes set on someone else who is nothing like him at all, and you know what, it feels so good. The pieces seem to be falling into place... Eh, I mean, this is probably the first time in many many years that I am treating myself right. God, I am not addicted, not the way I was, and now maybe I can think straight. Maybe this chapter in my life wont be so chaotic, so confusing, and so hurtful. If I could go back and change everything that I have done, I wouldnt. I'll take the lesson and run.

I'm sick of suffering, I'm sick of being an alcoholic, a pothead, blah, maybe you could call me a druggie for the experiments that I have done... God, I am so glad that I can look back on those days and laugh! They were so fun, and I wont ever forget that, but I am going to try to fight it, they did me more harm than good. But look, I am inspired writer!

God, do drugs inspire, they wake the very primal talents that you were born with! But hey, they do more to you than that, like poison you, addict you, play you into their very hands. That is when the trouble starts. Years ago I remember what they did to me, I was so young, it was so fun, then I hit a low, a very very big low in my life, and they became my escape. I promised to myself that I wouldnt ever let that happen to me again. So I went clean for a long time. For a long time the only thing that I would touch was alcohol... Yup, ask the kiddies up at the Mount, they tried to get me, but I did not want to think that I was reliant upon any substance ever again. I was then a very reformed young lady, I did well in school, I had my head on straight, and I was adament about keeping that promise.

It was all in the name of fun! Pot got in my way all over the place. For a long time I was under control of my life, still motivated, still very much making my own decisions. Then came good friends and good pot. Yes, pot, that dirty dirty evil evil thing. It seems so harmless, it seems like it doesnt have addictive qualities... HA! Pot makes you lazy, and when you are lazy and you miss class, what do you do? You smoke some more, I mean, why the hell not, you have all this free time... So missing class was okay, my friends were right there next to me. I could have controlled it then, I know this, I was abusing it the same as I ever was, I just needed motivation. I got it, but it came too late. I was still on my feet and could change everything, I just had to change my habits, so I did. I made it for almost two semesters. I was happy, I hadnt broken my promise, so there was no reason to stop. I almost didnt stop, in fact I just stopped, because I think that I just could have hit my second big rut.

Well, continuing on, I made it for two semesters, this last semester the grades were falling from lack of motivation. My passion changed as they often do and I grew bored with some of my classes. I did exceedingly well in those that I was interested in, but others I really didnt care about at all. This would not show in my intelligence, I could go take them all over again and pass, I would just have to show up to class! I did all the work, my papers were always regarded as being well-written, my tests were always up to speed, I just could not take the boringness of class. I just could never open my eyes either.

I decided this semester was just going to be an off-semester, one to just chill and find my real passions. I still am utterly confused over which direction my life is going. So when did I change? When I felt this rut, me and Ryan. I still havent broken my promise, right now is a critical time in my life. Weeks ago when this all started I could have just gone totally retarded to block out what was really happening. This all hurts so much, but I guess that is a good thing, I cant remember dealing with this sort of thing without help of some mind-bender. I am seeing straight, and I am going to stay clean until I think that I can handle it. I have always been the party type girl! I will just always remember to be in control of my own life, not the way that I was back in high school.

I cannot believe that I have gotten this far! Pot, being so bad, but I have been its friend for almost 4 years, excluding the one year of clarity. Its amazing. I could have done so much better without it however. So I stand by my promise to never block out problems with pot. I will not let pot take away my sadness. I will add to it though, I will never let it take away from the goals that I have set in front of me. The day that that happens is the day that I check into rehab.

So I leave this rant with a song...

Zero My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself
I'm your lover, I'm your zero
I'm in the face of your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when we're really gonna need'em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?

She's the one for me
She's all I really need
Cause she's the one for me
Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fasion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
She's the one for me
She's my one and only

Good song...

So back to me and Ry-Ry. heh heh... yeah, I am happy with moving on, and I am happy with the means in which I am doing it. Maybe someday there will be a repairation, maybe its sooner than I think, maybe its never going to be the way that we planned. All that matters is I am digging my way out of this hole and I am hopefully looking forward to my future wherever it may lead.

Much love to all!!! :-)