"Dont let the world bring you down,
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive,
Experience the Warmth before you grow.... old...

I hate the fact that I have to check my email over and over again to see if he dropped me a line. Its getting a little pathetic. Why am I so lonely? Why am I taking this so badly.... I hate the fact that I have nothing else to talk about!

Yeah so I talked to my mom online today.... Apparently I am killing her by not living at home for a couple days... Eh, she kills me when I am at home for a couple days, we fight all the time, and I am always getting yelled at. Lets save both of us the trouble and just let me be out!

She told me that Justin called. I know only one Justin and it would be out of his nature to call me of everyone.... Yeah, so a Justin called.. hmmm.... This really pisses me off that I have no idea who that is... I guess I'm just pissed because as well as having a keen eye on the internet I also have been keeping track of phone calls. Like Jon says, I just need closure. Blah, sometimes I think that I am going nuts.

Its sad that there is nothing to do in this county except go to Dennys. I hate going there. Right now it is worse than ever because all the college kids went home. Instead of hearing about "whos fucking who" and "dick" and "shit" all I hear is old people rambling about how Jesus is the savior. I really dont think Jesus would like to be talked about in Dennys.

On the plus side, these people are easier to scare out of the resturant than the annoying beligerent college kids. I mean, Jesus Christ, I just come in there because I am really fucking destroyed and hungry, and I have to put but with shitty service and kids making asses out of themselves. It wouldnt be so bad if they werent so loud about their drunkeness. Yay, what a wonderful night, we're drunk, we'rein Carroll County, and we are hanging out at Dennys! Fuck, didnt you do the same thing last night? Fuck that!

I need a new job, a new place to live, and some new roommates. God, getting a nice new place would be so fucking great. Of course, my parents are going to hate my roommates, it doesnt matter who they are, its just the principle of the thing. "My daughter likes you, so I must have nothing but the hottest passion of hate for you." Blah, they hate all of my friends for some reason. It all comes back to "you would rather spend time with them than with us." Yeah, I should think so. Roommates, well any roommates of mine, I am sure wouldnt bitch at me for coming in a 2a.m.. Most of them would say, "hell thats pretty early."

I dont understand why my parents get annoyed with me so much. They barely see me. I hide in my room most of the time and listen to my music when I am home just to aviod contact. I only come upstairs when I am hungry or I want to watch a DVD. I dont hurt anybody, I stick to myself, then I leave and find more disirable company to spend my time with. What is there to get angry with? I dont spend enough time at home.... Yeah, right, I am home most of the time all day, all day doing nothing. Sometimes I even clean, but you know whats really funny? If I clean something I havent cleaned enough, so why make the effort. I'll choose not cleaning anything and getting bitched at.

My place would always be in some cycle of being cleaned. I know it. At some point some shit laying around would make me insane and I will clean it up, but that mess will always be replaced by something else, I'll lose my mind and say "fuck it" until it bothers me again.

People are crazy.... I hate them all, well most of them... Especially jealous girlfriends... I mean, yo, I didnt touch your boyfriend, nor did I start talking to him. Ummm yeah, come and fight me, whatever, you're gay, get the fuck away from me. If I wanted your boyfriend, I'd get him later tonight, Bah, whatever. Get a fucking life, if your boyfriend cared about you than my presence shouldnt be a threat because he would want you not me.... Jesus Christ, have some fucking trust and confidence in the one that you are with. Jesus, you are the one with him, not me. What the fuck?!?!!?

You know who else I hate? Those who have to talk about other people to feel important. "I heard this about so-and-so." Who the fuck cares what you fucking heard?!?! I dont give a shit. They mean nothing to me. If it involved me and it was really important "so-and-so" would have called me and told me about it. Fuck off, I dont care what you know! These people often pick me as a target or my friends as a target....why? because we have more fun than you do? Yeah, so we party, yeah, so we are a bunch of worthless beatniks.... Whatever, I'm sure we are happier with our lives than you are with yours.... Bleh... You dont have my sympathy.

I dont have sympathy for depressed people that listen to whiney ass emo music. Eh... "what a sad life I live, I am going to listen to some singer whining about how horribly sad life is and how other people screw them over because they are sad. I am going to sit in this corner and be sad and be miserable with my music." Blah, what kind of passion is that. Critize my music.... I dont listen to music that captures the sadness in life all the time. I dont need my music to make my life more miserable than it already is. That is just not the emotion that I would think desirable to dwell in.... but maybe I'm crazy, whatever.

My friend Don wrote a funny emo song about my other (emo)friend Chris.... Hahaha....I love this song it cracks me up everytime. Here is a small part of it that I remember:
"Get away from me angry punk-rocker man...
I am sad because it is emo to be sad.
Hello alcohol, make me happy for a while,
Hello alcohol, I need something to regret later,
Hello alcohol, I want a pink Tu-tu for my birthday."
HAHA, sorry, I guess you had to have been there.... Its just funny because it depicts my emo friend so well. This song is not the philosophy that I want to be living....yeah, thank you but no. Yes Chris, I'd rather listen to "I Wish you were Queer" than wallowing in my own self-pity until the feeling of the tears washing down my face, recalling all I regret doing, or not doing, causes me to fall into a cold restless sleep, only to bring dreams of my impending faults, upon which I will commit suicide. Bah! Sorry, Id rather listen to something that is going to convince me to wake up tomorrow thinking maybe something will turn out okay.

So when am I going to wake up and everything is just going to be OKAY?

I hate people that are like "pity me, pity me." This one kid, who I really really hate, and most people will know who I am talking about, is always bitching about something to everyone. Yeah, sure, this is my journal and I am allowed to bitch.... No but everytime that you talk to him, check out his profile or away message, its always like "I crashed my car so now I am going to kill myself," "this girl doesnt like me so I am going to jump off a building," "you hurt me, I am sad, but I am stronger than you, so I am going to rant about being sad, then I am going to tie my foot to a boulder and jump off a bridge." FUCKING DO IT ALREADY!! Apparently you have it all planned out, and everybody knows about it so we know its coming, apparently you arent happy with your life. FUCKING DO IT! Stop being a baby and FUCKING DO IT ALREADY! I am not going to pity you. "Oh yeah, whats wrong??? Did you have another bad day???? Yes, what a fucking surprise, go fucking kill yourself, Jesus, I am sick of hearing about it. When is the rubber going to hit the road? DO IT!" Jesus, when people ask me how I am doing.... if I'm not good, I say that I am alright. Maybe I am in denial by not saying, "I have had a fucking miserable day." Why would I? Fuck that, I am not a misery chick for the most part. Look, I havent mentioned Ryan in a lot of paragraphs... (shit the name was mentioned).

I dont understand the deal of whining to everyone for their pity attention. Eh, I think pity attention is the worst kind, it only makes me feel worse. I am making people feel bad because I feel bad... I think thats sort of gay. I have my journal to bitch about this crap instead of spreading it all over the county through other various forms of communication. How would you feel right now if I called you just to say that I was sad, pity me.... Its just not that important.... Jesus, the stuff that so-called "normal people" sweat is fucking insane!

I sweat about someone being dead, not hearing from my boyfriend guy in a week, medical shit, you know stuff that makes some sort of major impact on my life... Not about someone looking at me the wrong way. What the fuck do they know? Why the fuck is it really important?

Ranting about stuff is really fun.

I need to hang out with Mikey tomorrow as I have planned. He is awesome to hang out with because he always has something to rant about as well. That is what is so fun about him, that, and we always have fun together.... yeah, well, in my opinion.... He's just a weird person just like me.... yeah.... so maybe that is why we wanted to kill each other for so long.... eh.... neither of us really care about all that much anymore. Our parents dont rate in either of our books, we hate our siblings, we'd rather sit around, smoke, and be lazy, we procrastinate, and the only people that really mean anything to us are out real friends and our significant others (when we have them). I guess we sort of see the world the same way: Its too confusing, why should I give a shit? Ranting about it will just cause me to laugh about how fucking stupid it was later. Yeah, that sums it up.

Would you rather laugh so hard that you cried or would you rather just cry.

Yeah, I thought so. Any sane person would say "Id rather laugh until I pissed my pants than I just pissed my pants for no apparant reason." I'd rather just not piss my pants....

I am still perplexed at the fact that he still hasnt made an effort to talk to me... It just comes back to my mind even when I try to forget. I am not angry anymore I think. I think I am over it. I think maybe I was just overreacting. I guess that it was just hard to let him go, which is what I did. If it meant that much to me than I would have left with him, right? I just want to know what went wrong? what is wrong? and I just want to know the truth. Thats what is eating me right now. I just dont know what is going on. Oh well, its confusing.... why should I give a shit?

One of my guy friends asked me what my birthday was because he was looking at his horoscope.... Should I be afraid? I think so....

Why is it that on some nights the highlight is taking a shower? Its just alone time, nobody can just bust in on a shower, or bother you while you are in the shower. In this house, the only time I know I am truly safe is in the shower. Maybe I just like using all the hot water in the house.... heh heh heh.... There is always fun to be had in the shower.

One more cigarette and I am going to bed because it is 630 in the morning. Why cant I sleep at night??? The question that you should be asking is "why cant you stay awake during the day?" There is nothing good that I am missing when I sleep away the day, in fact I am missing most of the bullshit that comes along with the day.... Yeah, like the sun, and old people, slow people, dumb people, ignorant people, just people in general. I dont have to deal with dogs barking, screaming babies, shitty daytime TV, my mom, my dad, my little brothers, the mailman, the phone, traffic, waiting, middleschoolers, highschoolers, elementary schoolers. Yes, I miss all of that... hence I cant be awake during the day. Why should I share my waking hours with all that bullshit? I can do pretty much whatever I want to do at night, with more freedom that what I could have during the day. I hate the day-walkers. They dont know what peacefulness they are missing. I love days that start with the sunset and end at the sunrise. Its the more beautiful and peaceful of days. Especially on nights like this, it is so clear outside... It is really cold, but its crisp and the stars are brilliant.... Eh, maybe it is time for me to go to bed.