"It's crazy, I'm thinking
Just as long as you're around
And here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down?
To each other we'll be facing
My love, my love,
We'll beat back the pain we've found
You know I mean to tell you
All the things I've been thinking
Deep inside, my friend.
Each moment the more I love you."

Yeah so I have been overreacting... That is my excuse. Overreacting, overreacting, overreacting.... This still doesnt change the fact that I am still pissed.

I just want to do some explaining... so I can look back at this, so whoever reads this, can just understand what is going on, why I feel the way I do... Yeah.

So I met Ryan last February (I didnt remember the date, he did) at school through one of my friends... Maria, she got really pissed that we sort of hit it off right away. We had so much fun, I just fell for him too quickly. Yeah, that was back in the day. I was in for it since then...

He left, being a navy boy and all, but I would hear from him all the time. It was weird, talking to him, being so far away from him, and never really having the words to say. I cared for him so much, but it was like Im just talking to him, that is as far as our relationship goes. And that is as far as it went.

Every time that he has come home he has tried to find me right away, and when he is home we spend all of our time together.

He came home for a couple days and he couldnt find me until 10 at night the night before he had to go back. He was hanging out with some friends at College Park and he just left them to drive an hour to see me. Yeah, tell me that I can find a fault in that... heh heh heh.

Its just been wonderful when he has been around and I think that when he visits me my emotions get all crazy. I fell for this boy and seeing him just reminds my heart a little more.

He would always call me, email me... often, but not too often... It would drive me too crazy. I was happy though. I had my life in Maryland and he had his in California. When he was home we had our life together. It bothers me though, it really does...

He emailed this to me once:
"A girls tears have a way of making you want to change the world so that it doesnt hurt her anymore....Yet regardless if you love her, hate her, wish she would die, or know that you would die without her... it matters not, because at that moment in your life, whatever she was to the world disappears and she becomes everything to you. When you look her in the eyes, travelling to the depths of her soul abd you say a million words without saying a sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rythmic beatings of her very heart. To love her for a million reasons, to which no words could ever describe.... its not of the mind, but of the heart. A feeling, only felt.

When I read that I cried. It almost makes me cry right now. It makes me think "What have I been thinking?!?!" Its just sweet, and it makes me think right now about this whole thing. What have I been thinking?!?!

When he was back this last time we spend the whole entire time together. I got in trouble with my parents over and over because I would be gone for days and when I would come home we would be with me. Haha... one morning I woke up before he did because I had errands to run... When I got back he had written me this:
As morning hues of sun swept fire carress your passioned face,
Alone with the and pure desire to worship untold grace,
My heart would cry a silent song at moments left apart,
Your essence warms the evening as I dance into your heart.

I cant even begin to explain how amazing it was to be with him, waking up in his arms, I was just so alive with him. Every moment spent with him I was contented, those spent apart were just wasted moments. I felt at ease with him, could tell him anything like I have known him forever and he had no judgement, he told me how he was just so comfortable around me.

Why is it that right now I am so not at ease?

So, as said in a previous entry, he further entrapped my heart by saying this to me: "Imagine my mom wasnt here and this was our apartment." Sincere - YES. I'm trapped... hehe... sometimes I think in a very very good way.

So he leaves, you know, the whole airport thing, blah blah blah, and he says that he will call me when he gets back. Does he call me? NO. Do I get pissed off? YES. I dont know why it angered me as it did, but it scared me even more. Now that I am talking to him (and I am talking to him as I write this) I am thinking too deeply into his words, or maybe I am not thinking enough... I dont know... But its hard now, having been so upset about not hearing from him, now when I started talking to him just now, I didnt really want to talk to him because for the first time, I just didnt know what to say. I care about this kid too much.

So I bet you want to know what we are talking about, huh?

Well, first here is his info on IM:
Love that you can't have
Is the kind
That lasts the longest,
Hurts the deepest,
And feels the strongest.

Sincere, I think so. I feel better about this every second.... but I feel closer to crying at every second. I am so confused. So he gets online and within 2 seconds I get an IM. You know, the old "blah blah how have you been nonsense." Yeah, so then I was like "What have you been up to." He says something about being busy, work, and something about not being home since he got back out to Califoria, he has been out with his best friend moving him out of his apartment... Yeah, best friend, girl friend girl, STILL COULD HAVE CALLED ME! So then I yelled at him, I got up the nerve to start it. Here it is, sick of typing it over....

PuNk fAyRiE: I havent talked to you, I thought that I was going to before now
(Ryan): i know... i haven't taked to anyone lately...
PuNk fAyRiE: ok, so, you said that you would call me when you got back
PuNk fAyRiE: just forget it though, I dont care about that anymore
PuNk fAyRiE: eh, I, eh, stressing, eh, I dont know why
(Ryan): :'( i'm sorry...
(Ryan): things are kinda stressfull right now...
PuNk fAyRiE: sorry
PuNk fAyRiE: how?
(Ryan): my best friend adam left for indiana for 2 weeks on fri...
PuNk fAyRiE: uh huh...
(Ryan): and his lease on his apt is up on the 7th so i have been over at his place...
PuNk fAyRiE: ok...
(Ryan): every day trying to get all his stuff moved out...
PuNk fAyRiE: yea...
(Ryan): while he is gone so they dont charge him for another month..
(Ryan): his place is straight trashed..
PuNk fAyRiE: heh
(Ryan): and today my room mate wanted me to go camping in arizona for a couple days with a lot of our friends but i told him i wanted to actualy spend some time at home...
(Ryan): i havent been here at home for about a week...
PuNk fAyRiE: oh...
(Ryan): least not for more that a few hours.

Ok, so this is supposed to make everything ok.... riiiiight... I have an excuse, and maybe it is valid, so I guess I get this or nothing. I can accept it, move on, and not be angry anymore or I can be angry and heartbroken thinking that he just doesnt care. So which am I going to chose, I dont know.

Here's the kicker:

(Ryan): :-( i miss you.
PuNk fAyRiE: you mean it?
(Ryan): yes...
PuNk fAyRiE: hehe
PuNk fAyRiE: I miss you too much
PuNk fAyRiE: Its driving me totally insane
PuNk fAyRiE: so there!
(Ryan): i know, my room mate is going to kill me because he says " Do a lot of drugs, get kicked out of the navy and go back home to her... just don't bug me about it anymore"

Right then and there he redeemed himself in my heart. But theres more...

PuNk fAyRiE: Id be pissed at you if you did that...
PuNk fAyRiE: No, what my friend says
PuNk fAyRiE: and he knows nothing about you at all
PuNk fAyRiE: "What the hell is wrong with you, would you just go out there for the love of God!"
PuNk fAyRiE: and then the other one says "bad idea, youre crazy, you shouldnt chase him"
PuNk fAyRiE: and I say "you sound like my mom"
(Ryan): well, my mom would say go for it...
(Ryan): lol... she would probably even buy me a plane ticket...
PuNk fAyRiE: you dont even want to know what my mom would say
PuNk fAyRiE: or what she has already said
(Ryan): ???
PuNk fAyRiE: eh.... she drives me even more crazy than you do
PuNk fAyRiE: shes like "no car, no driving to California"
(Ryan): ic PuNk fAyRiE: I was like "no car, a cab, then a plane to California"
(Ryan): lol... she wold probably flip hugh...
PuNk fAyRiE: "So help me God Lauren, you go out to California.... you dont know, you dont know, what are you thinking, chase after a boy, you dont know...thats not the way things are done."
PuNk fAyRiE: since then everytime we fight its like "you better not go to California." and I laugh PuNk fAyRiE: and I'm like "the more you torment me the more that sounds like a plan.
PuNk fAyRiE: and I have come close, one night I was packing, the thought entered my mind, I mean what the hell, I have a credit card
PuNk fAyRiE: then I went to Tims
(Ryan): true... lol... but it's tims...

What he meant is "Its Tims, not here."

If hate is just an extension of love then I truly hate Ryan, with a passion.