"To lose one parent... may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness" - Oscar Wild

Wherever you go, there you are.

Gravity: it's not just a good idea, it's the law.

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

"Get your facts first; then you can distort them as much as you please." - Mark Twain

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Always try to be modest -- and be extremely proud of it.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

1st law of Thermodynamics: Don't play with matches.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your fishbowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set!

"It is a basic human right for the one dying, and no one else, to decide when life no longer holds meaning." - Euthanasia's Supporters

Americans are morally schizophrenic.

I wouldn't be so paranoid if everyone weren't out to get me.

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Old musicians don't die... they just decompose.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

When I want an answer from you, I will look at you, which will be as seldom as possible.

Someday we'll all look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn’t have any children, neither will you.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later.

Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just trying to survive" - Amy Hunt

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts." - Steven Wright

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

So many pedestrians, so little time.

"I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious." - Steven Wright

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There are 3 kinds of lies: lies, white lies & statistics.

Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens.

"Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there." - Steven Wright

Now available: Windows for Windows!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I think, therefore I'm dangerious.

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere!

"No matter where you go, someone's always there." - Dini

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

We grew up to be the people our parents warned us about.

If the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn’t leave you much time to think about anything else.

Never pet a burning dog.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

MONEY TALKS ... unfortunately mine only says goodbye.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Just think; in two days tomorrow will be yesterday.

It’s always darkest just before it gets pitch black.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Hindsight is an exact science.

2 + 2 = 5 for large values of 2.

I souport publik edekasion.

Grandchildren are the rewards of having children.

If a bus stops at a bus station, and a train stops at a train station, then my desk is a work station.

"Don't make me vicissitude your face!" - Dini

"Gravity defies my hair." - Sam

"Never hack a pile of stay, Chinese workers will jump out and yell 'Supplies!'" - Dini

Rock is dead, long live paper and scissors!

Thoughts

If 7 elleven stays open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?

Why do you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why do they call it a tv set if there's only one?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Did you know 42.7% of all statistics are meaningless?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Did you know 5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions?

What percent of the worlds hamburgers have cheese?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

So what's the speed of dark?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If you had the choice of saving President Clinton from drowning or taking a prize-winning photograph, what type of film would you use?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingere so popular?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A?

Why do old men have hair in their ears?

Why are buttons on guys' shirts on a different side than girls' shirts?

If bunnies don't lay eggs why is it on Easter that we hide eggs from the Easter Bunny?

Why are things typed up but written down?

How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall but its a illegal to keep them as a pet?

Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

What does OK actually mean?

what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?

Why do donuts have holes?

Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?

Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?

Is light still faster than sound when it's going through your TV, and if so, when you get a live broadcast from China or something shouldn't all the sounds come after the actions?

Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?

If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?

If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Why is the abbreviation for pound lb. when l or b isn't in the word pound?

Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?

Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?

If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?

If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?

If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?

Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?

Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?

Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running foward?

If you tell someone they are being judgmental arnt you being judgmental yourself?

Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?

How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?

Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?

Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?

Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?

How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?

Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?

Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

How did the headless horseman know where he was going?

Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?

Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?

How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?

Do cows drink milk?

Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??

What is a male ladybug called?

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?

How fast do hotcakes sell?

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Does the President have to pay taxes?

Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on christmas lights?

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?

If Jimmy crackes corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Isn't it kinda ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?

What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

What do you call a female daddy long legs?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?

In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?

Why are SOFTballs hard?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?

Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

Does a postman deliver his own mail?

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

Do mimes watch silent movies?

Is the fear of flying groundless?

Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?

If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?

Why are boxing rings square?

Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?

Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do birds have white poop?

Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?

Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?

Do sore thumbs really stick out?

Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?

Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

What's the opposite of opposite?

If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?

Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"?

If you try to fail and suceed, what did you just do?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Why is the blackboard green?

Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

What do you call male ballerinas?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?

Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Can blind people see their dreams?

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?

why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?

If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"

Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?

Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?

why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?

What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?

How can you hear yourself think?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?

If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?

Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?

why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?

How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?

Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

Why do The Alphabet Song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Mary Had a Little Lamb all have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

How does santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?

If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?

If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?

why are turds pinched off at the end?

I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?

How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?

What would you use to dilute water?

What should one call a male ladybird?

How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?

If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?

Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?

If so, how could you treat them?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?

Do birds pee?

Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?

Why is it at a Chinese restaurant an egg roll is called that when there is no egg in it?

Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?

What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?

If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?

Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?

If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?

If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldnt you see through everything and actually see nothing?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?

Can a one-eyed person have 20/20 vision?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Have ex-cowboys become deranged??

Have ex-drycleaners become depressed?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?

Why do old men have hair in their ears?

Why are things typed up but written down?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?

Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?

From a Forward email sent by Monica...

Can you cry underwater?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is it that we choose from just TWO people for President and FIFTY for Miss America Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refridgerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you try first?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not, then what was the purpose of the bath?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are at the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "it's alright"? It isn't alright so why don't we say, "that hurt, you stupid idiot".
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pick up is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?