Surviving and Thriving with AIDS: Hints for the Newly Diagnosed Michael Callen, Editor

©1987 PWAC NOTE: THIS IS OLD NEWS, posted for historical research only. The medical information herein is extremely outdated!

AIDS AND SEX, LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP

WHAT ABOUT SEX?
by Bruce Zachar

So, you've just been diagnosed. One of my first questions was: "What about sex?" The answer, to quote the immortal Janis Joplin: "GET IT WHILE YOU CAN!" It seems to me that the desire for sexual expression after diagnosis is a natural response. I'd be concerned about those who shun the idea, those who avoid contact with others out of guilt. Remember: sex didn't give you AIDS; a virus did. With that in mind, I suggest the following items for everyone's hope chests:

* CONDOMS: I was a boy scout, where I learned to "BE PREPARED." Don't rub two scouts together without some rubbers handy. Like so many other gay men, I never though I'd take rubbers seriously. But times have changed, and unless you have an extremely sensitive sphincter, a dick with a condom on it feels just like a dick--believe me! If you're embarrassed to ask for them, go to McKay Drug, 301 Avenue of Americas (at Carmine St.). There is a large display of condoms in front of the prescription counter. Just pick out what you want and take them to the cash register. And don't forget the KY, thoughtfully stacked below the rubbers. (These guys know their clientele!)

* TOYS & RUBBER GOODIES: The ultimate accessory! No sense in getting out of practice just because you're (temporarily) alone. Again, if embarrassment keeps you from walking into the Pleasure Chest or the Pink Pussycat, order by mail! Mercury Mail Order's catalog has something for everyone. (Send $2 to Mercury Mail Order, 45 Twin Peaks Blvd., San Francisco, CA 94114-2135). Everything is shipped UPS in plain wrappers--double sealed. And just think how much fun you'll have trying things on for size.

* J/O CLUBS: Truly "the baths of the 80s." The perfect place for sexual encounters that are hot, numerous and perfectly safe! Don't go expecting romance; this is not the place. The Locker Room (formerly "The Stable") at 14th Street and Ninth Avenue is the place to go Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. Arrive between 9:00 p.m. and 9:45 p.m. (and on Sundays, between 6:00 p.m. and 6:45 p.m.). For the $5 admission fee, you can stay till midnight (Sundays till 9:00). Soda and juices are free and no alcohol is served, but you can bring your own. Clothes check is optional, but most wear jocks, briefs or nothing at all. Like the baths, the concentration is on action, not talk. The Locker Room is fairly well lit and there are numerous, well placed notices that this is Safe Sex Only.

When I first started to visit J/O clubs, my friends laughed--I think out of fear of what might go on. Don't knock it till you've tried it! I've run into more than one fellow PWA at these "events" and I'd love to see more of you all!

* PERSONAL ADS: I did much better in placing my own ad n the New York Native than in responding to the ads of others. I found that people can be overly generous in describing their qualities in print. (If he really is "6' 1", 185 lbs, black hair, blue eyes, bodybuilding, 9" uncut, interest in Motown and Mozart"--then how come he's available? Why isn't he married?) So you do have to make adjustments. In response to my advertisements, I received several letters from interesting men that I was able to meet for drinks or a meal and get to known on my terms. I've found that honesty is indeed the best policy, and a personal ad allows you to be open about your health and your sexuality.

Finally, no HOPE CHEST would be complete with a SENSE OF HUMOR. Safer sex is new to all of us. And all of us appreciate a smile to encourage us along.

PEOPLE WITH AIDS-- SEX IN THE AIDIES
by David Summers

[EDITORS' NOTE: The following article is reprinted with the kind permission of The Advocate.]

When I was diagnosed with KS about two-and-a-half years ago, the furthest thing from my mind was sex. My lover and I just stopped having it. The shock and sadness of my having AIDS, not to mention the confusion, put an abrupt halt to our having sex.

Two months after that diagnosis, I came down with something called herpes zoster, or the "shingles." These painful blisters, not uncommon among People with AIDS, affected me on the left side of my head and face. The peroxide I was using turned my hair orange, so I really was a sight for sore eyes. The lesions were nothing compared to my face.

Lying in bed for three weeks, I started to get erections. I had a talk with Sal, my lover, and I told him that I was feeling horny. We discussed it and agreed that there was much we could still do without endangering him or me. We had been using rubbers for some time, so that was not an adjustment. Refraining from wet kissing was. (I have "thrush" or Candida albicans.) I sometimes dream of sticking my tongue down his throat.

One of Sal's favorite pastimes is jerk-off clubs. I was always an Everard man myself before AIDS, but Sal convinced me to come with him to the New York Jacks, a private jerk-off club that meets once a week. To my surprise, I had a great time; and also to my surprise, I was denied membership in their club. My having AIDS had nothing to do with it; according to the officers, it was my "abrasive personality." Yeah, sure!

Sal quit the Jacks in protest and together we both started attending jerk-off nights at the Hellfire Club, which was warm and congenial. There were always enough friends there to make me feel comfortable, and just enough hot strangers to make it interesting. My lesions were so few and so small at the time that they were never an issue. I never tried to hide them or deny I had AIDS. Most people, even if they knew, were cool about it. After all, we were all there to have healthy, safe sex.

The Hellfire went the way of the Everard and the Mineshaft--closed and only a memory. Since last fall, I have not attended a jerk-off night. My energy level is much lower than even three months ago and I am also very conscious of my lesions now. I have more and bigger lesions and they are starting on my face. Sal has suggested that I buy a flight/jump suit for jerk-off nights. Maybe I will try it.

You may be asking what right do I have, as a Person with AIDS, to be having sex--even safe sex--in public. The same right as you or anyone else has. Sure my life has changed since my diagnosis; but my dick has not fallen off. What People With AIDS need as much as any medication is body contact and compassion.

Most of the People With AIDS I know have just stopped having sex. Not because of their energy levels or their lesions, but because they are afraid of rejection based on their illness. It is a very real fear and not a popular topic among support groups of People With AIDS.

Jerk-off clubs aside, there are many other areas that should be explored. VCR porno is convenient. As Michael said in The Boys in the Band, "At least you don't have to look your best...." And you can share it with friends or enjoy it alone. We are lucky to have friends on the West Coast in the "business," so there are always new materials coming in the mail. (Our current favorite is Pizza Boy: He Delivers.)

A friend who is a Person With ARC has been taking ads in the local gay newspaper. He's had several responses, but none to his liking. He doesn't say he has ARC in the ad; he tells them upon the first meeting.

Another option is phone sex. Talking dirty into the phone is not everyone's cup of tea, but these are desperate times. You can tell the caller anything you want, and you do not have to feel guilty if you do not want to tell your phone partner that you have AIDS. Most gay newspapers run ads for phone service sex and you can often use a credit card. Now that is both convenient and safe.

I know not everyone with AIDS is up to having sex, but for those of you who are still horny, do continue to explore your sexuality in creative and healthy ways. It's not what you can't do, it's what you can do. Life is not over at diagnosis and asserting yourself as the sexual being you once were is part of the healing process.

THE CONDOM CONNOISSEUR
by Wolf Agress

Safe sex is an important issue for all gay males--especially PWAs and PWArcs--and for many of us it involves ways to express ourselves sexually. There is some confusion among many gay men about the relative risk of various sexual behaviors and just how to have safe sex. I hope to clear up some misconceptions about healthy sex. Today, we'll talk about condoms.

First, let's set the record straight about the effectiveness of condoms in preventing the transmission of AIDS. Although there is no scientific proof one way or the other, it would seem that some condoms, when properly used, may be effective in preventing the transmission of AIDS. After all, a condom is basically the same as surgical gloves, and they are widely accepted as useful in preventing the transmission of AIDS and other transmissible diseases. For PWAs and PWArcs, condoms may provide the added benefit of protecting us from other sexually transmitted infections such as CMV, EBV, non-specific urethritis, etc. to which we may be susceptible.

At any rate, condoms are better than nothing, and for those of us into anal sex, a lot better than abstaining. However, in order to get the maximum protection from a condom, it must be selected and used properly.

Many gay men have never used condoms before and are totally befuddled by the variety of different condoms available to them. One guy that I know went into a drug store and asked if they had small, medium and large.

Well, through the miracle of elasticity, one size fits all. Condoms are incredibly strong and will withstand a lot of force before breaking. So don't worry that your schlong is so big that it would bust the rubber or so little that the condom will fall off. You don't need to worry about size here.

The first choice you do have to make is material. There are two basic materials: latex and "skins." The latter are actually made from animal intestines (the same stuff they use to make sausage casings). They are sold under brand names like Fourex and natural lamb and typically cost about a dollar each. They are very comfortable (from both ends) and always come pre-lubricated. However, since they were made from membrane, they are semi-perishable and may not provide complete protection from the transmission of viruses. So I recommend the latex (or rubber) variety. Rubber condoms are also much cheaper. (You can find them as cheap as a quarter.)

The main differences between different brands are the thickness of the rubber, the amount of lubrication and the color. (Yes, you can buy different colors! In fact, I have one designer friend who likes to match his dick color to his partner's eyes.)

There are many good brands on the market, and the only way you'll really find the one you like is to experiment. My personal favorite is called "Man to Man," which is marketed for gay men. They have an erotic feel to them and an interesting greyish color.

Avoid rubbers that are not individually wrapped; they tend to be of a lower quality. I once tried a cheap condom with a friend. At first it was real slow going, but after a while, it felt real natural. I found out why when he pulled out. He no longer had a condom on. It had slipped off. Needless to say it provided no protection at all that way, so I had saved no money at all buying the cheap kind. Stick to "respectable" looking brands.

O.K., so now you've made your selection and taken it home, and you and your friend want to try out your new condom. First, make sure that you or your friend's dick is wiped clean of saliva, grease or lubricant and is dry and erect. Open the package and take out the rubber. Place it on your (or your friend's) penis and unroll it. Make sure you leave a little space at the top to catch the semen. (Some condoms have a built in "reservoir end" so that you don't need to worry about this.)

Make sure you unroll it all the way to the bottom. Pull the skin on your dick up a little and unroll it all the way to your pubes. If you have a foreskin, make sure you pull your foreskin down and cover the head with the rubber. Then pull the foreskin back up over the head (with the rubber on it, between the foreskin and the head) and continue unrolling all the way to the bottom. Make sure you use a water-soluble lubricant like K-Y because grease will weaken the rubber and make it break.

For extra protection, make sure you don't come in your partner's ass (or vice versa). Pull out while still erect, as you hold the condom on with your fingers. Remember that the condom's been up someone's ass (body fluids!) so after you pull out (holding the condom on with your fingers), you should avoid putting your hands near your mouth until you've removed the condom and washed up.

Also, you should only use each condom once; they are not meant to be "washed out" and reused.

Finally, a word of advice. Don't treat the use of condoms as some sort of penance that has to be done even though it takes away some of the pleasure. Have fun with condoms. Treat them like a sex toy--a little piece of added erotic fun. Soon you'll wonder why you waited so long to start using them.

BEING THE LOVER OF A PWA
by Sal Licata

While the major burden of having AIDS falls on the patient, being a partner/lover of a Person with AIDS has a profound impact on an individual's life. My personal experience as a "Significant Other" has been a mixture of fright and depression (such as at the initial news of AIDS and with each setback), and unbelievably tender, loving moments. Responsibility increases when AIDS enters your family and a sense of potential loss is never far from reality. But one learns to cope with these emotionally charged changes and finds ways to share the experiences, both good and bad. Sharing is essential for your survival as an individual and as a couple. This is the time to get the most out of your relationship. I would like to share some of my experience with you.

Very soon after my lover, David Summers, was diagnosed over two years ago, we decided it was better if our gay and straight families heard about David's diagnosis from us rather than through the rumor mill. We realized it was futile to try to hide the news. No matter how secretive you think you are, the grapevine is much more efficient. In the long run, it is easier to be honest right off the bat.

Next came the task of telling those we loved. I took over the responsibility of telling our close friends. At the time, relating the same sad news over and over again on the telephone was too much for David, so I called. During those conversations I cried with many of our friends. When I went to bed each night, I was exhausted and fell asleep soundly. I learned it was not only alright to cry, it was helpful. Do cry! Let out your fears and frustrations. Sharing with those you love can be therapeutic for all concerned.

David asked me very early to join a Care Partner's Group at GMHC. I am glad he asked me, since I might have postponed that important decision. My groups have been a source of shared strength and loving care. I said groups because the single group I belong to has gone through at least three different metamorphoses. As individual care partners lost their lovers, they eventually dropped out of the group and were replaced by new care partners.

Luckily for me, David is a survivor. I have shared more losses than I care to remember, but I have also gained loving friendships with gay men who I can rely on to provide me loving support should I need it. Like war, the AIDS epidemic has allowed the best to shine through in many of us.

There are a number of issues which have been recurring topics of discussion in my group. Some of these issues have been coping with changes in sexual patterns, finances, family demands or rejection, physical disabilities, affection, partner consideration, depression, and fear of getting AIDS yourself. Dealing with sickness and death remain the ever-present concerns.

In the meantime, keep sharing, loving and caring.

THAT IS NOT WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR
by Sam Alford

Healthy friends, as well as PWAs themselves, often don't want to see changes in people who are ill. This is part of their denial system. It's a quite normal reaction, I believe, but can create a sense of failure in a PWA who can no longer put forth the kind of energy to reach such goals. Unconditional acceptance of another's limitations is a valuable gift and what friends are for.

People--well or ill--have a right to change. No one else, and especially close friends, should be disappointed in another human's need to change his or her actual progression to a totally different and possibly higher plateau. Even death should be a realistically discussible issue without the need for anyone to flinch or shudder. Confronting fear issues often diminishes the flirtation with them.

AIDS is a process, a journey, and I really believe unless one personally is "generationally" at the same spot at the same moment as another PWA, one can accidentally set too lofty standards for the suddenly frail PWA who needs encouragement to relate what s/he is really feeling as opposed to what the friend may think s/he is or should be experiencing.

It is very easy for us to "use" each other as lifesavers. However, I sincerely believe real friends should try to avoid being vehicles for another person's salvation. Such attempts often open all kinds of "Pandora's boxes" and seem, to me, unfair.

Recently diagnosed PWA "friends" often begin by visiting other sick PWAs in hospitals, cheering others, sending cards and passing out their telephone numbers for PWAs to call upon them for help. I did it myself and enjoyed it tremendously. The danger, however, is these promises can't always be kept when illness, off-days--whatever reasons--cause the "wanting to be helpful" PWA suddenly to be swamped by others wishing to lean on him/her at the most unfeasible time. Since PWAs tend to be so protective of each other's feelings, this can injure both parties and the relationship.

I believe friends must allow more room for growth, change and diminishment of energy to avoid sudden "traps." Just as in normal-life situations, one might consider exercising more discretion in choosing one's closest PWA friends for more directly intimate friendships and exchanges. Quality friendships still provide more honest support than quantities of friendships.

_I have learned that healthy friends of PWAs--as well as PWA friends themselves--often try to set standards for one another. Different people arrive at different points in this illness at sometimes totally different times and it's not a friend's right or responsibility to make judgments about where the other has arrived at any particular time.

Criticism of natural process (growth) patterns can be harmful, create defensive guilt trips, and isn't what friends are for. If one is terribly concerned about where a PWA is at a particular moment, why not hold back discussion and relate that anxiety to an objective, detached third party instead, but without judgment?

Simple courtesies between friends, as I see it, become even more important as the illness of AIDS progresses. Attempts to ascertain the energy levels of a PWA--whether during a phone call or visit--can be greatly helpful to both parties. Sometimes a phone call of two minutes can "wipe out" a PWA. Other times long conversations can be most energizing and helpful. Visits work the same ways.

Friends may want to help in the healing process, but inadvertently retard it. Failure to analyze what's really happening, or for a PWA not to be honest about his/her condition at these times, can be detrimental to the PWA as well as the friend.

Quite frankly, I--and many of my so-named "generational PWA friends"--have reached points in our journey where Death is what needs discussing. There are many logical questions to be asked without inviting morbidity. A person who scolds a PWA for examining his/her life or daring to question where his/her future lies, I feel, does a disservice and hinders a natural process that ultimately allows growth and sensitive preparation for one's future. While many people, including PWAs, speak of the need to live in the present, one-day-at-a-time moment, few, I suspect, actually achieve this.

I once heard an Italian ballad which lyrically expressed the following sentiment: "Today is already yesterday, and tomorrow is already here."

Not to allow conversations which help create an understanding of this logic is perhaps setting up barriers for real growth. The "Now Generation" inevitably has to become "Yesterday's Generation" sometime. Denying that wish to understand that concept and prepare for that eventuality does not provide the kind of friendships that foster growth, understanding and perhaps greater peace of mind. While some may feel otherwise, I personally find difficulties in constantly being denied a reasonable, intelligent discussion of some very strong feelings. Indeed, I also feel sensitivity must play a major role in making choices about with whom this subject can be raised without accidentally triggering another's inability or lack of readiness to it. Being insensitive to another just in order to satisfy one's own needs doesn't seem, to me, to be what friends are for.

I suppose many other issues might be raised that demonstrate behaviors which don't benefit PWAs. What might be remembered by all of us who share friendships with various kinds of people is that being a friend requires a special kind of caring by both parties. I have come to understand very clearly that being a PWA does not necessarily "a nice person make." The same, of course, applies to a physically healthy person.

All mankind is gifted with the capacity to be loving, understanding and supportive of one another. In my opinion, that is Life's greatest gift and most enormous challenge. I believe successful friendships require a special kind of nurturing and an awesome responsibility to "be there," whatever the situation, to provide unconditional love and support.

Better to avoid or end a relationship which creates tensions, judgments, criticisms, or pain. Trust itself is a big part of successful relationships.

For a PWA to involve his/her life in a situation counterproductive to his/her health and spiritual growth serves no valid purpose, in my opinion. That's definitely not what, I think, friends are for!

THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE
Words & Music ©1986 by Michael Callen & Marsha Malamet

So many things I wanna do
So many dreams still to come true
So much to give
I wanna be all I can be
I wanna keep you here with me
I wanna live

Got to hold onto life's mysteries
Can't hold out for guarantees--
There are none
Together we have come this far
Don't wonder where the heroes are
You are one!
Be proud of all the courage you've shown
And know that as you fight, you're not alone.

CHORUS
Life don't always go the way we planned
Sometimes you have to take a stand
And if I stumble, can I take your hand
And feel the healing power of love?
Feel the power
The Power of Love
The Healing Power
The Power of Love.

And if you don't know what to say
A touch would go a long, long way
To show you care
At times I'll wanna run and hide
I may ask you to stand aside
But I'll know you're there
Cause I can feel your strength, deep as the sea
I'm growing stronger as it's flowing over me

REPEAT CHORUS

We are all in this together
It's gonna take everything that we've got
It's up to me and you
And I know we'll do what's right!
We are all in this together
Whether we know it or not
And I know we can win
If we just begin to fight

REPEAT CHORUS

FRIENDSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIPS
A Conversation Between Michael Callen & Bob Herman

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The following are excerpts from a conversation between Michael Callen and Bob Herman. A complete transcript of this series of conversations will be published in a forthcoming pamphlet.]

BOB: Having AIDS, I find that it's hard to make any kind of emotional commitment, especially when you know that this other person might get very very sick, or that you might get very very sick and therefore start to depend on this person who is, you know, if you're just getting to know, it's difficult to be dependent on somebody that you don't know better.

And I think that the avoidance of emotional commitment is a very strong element for PWAs and PWArcs. Some of us are afraid to make those commitments for a lot of those reasons. And it's easier just to not put out for it--just to leave that be.

MIKE: On the other hand, I'm sort of living proof that sometimes the risks are worth taking. I met my lover that I've been with now for almost four years the week I was diagnosed with cryptosporidiosis. Here I was--sick--and we talked all about that--and at the time we were really total strangers. He'd answered an ad to be in a band with me. We met, really hit it off, and a week later, I was at the lowest point that I've been physically--the sickest I've been--and he visited me. He came to the hospital. I couldn't believe it.

BOB: You're very lucky.

MIKE: I know. I mean, I'm not saying that's going to happen to every PWA, but I think that one should not let the fear of "Oh, well, maybe I'll become dependent..." and take that chance.

BOB: Well, I think that most people fear that people won't do that for them, when they don't know them. Especially since a lot of us experience close friends running away. But I think the reverse is true too. I'm afraid to get involved with somebody that maybe next week will be in a traumatic state. I'm afraid to get involved with somebody who's going to demand or need so much support--the kind of support that he would need--so fast. I mean, it would be a very difficult thing for me to meet someone one week and then in a very short time following, have to deal with their emotional crises on top of mine.

MIKE: But maybe then the answer would be to just not. I mean, to say, right off the bat "Look. We're both in uncharted waters here. You seem pleasant. I enjoy being with you now. But..." Handling it just like you would handle it if AIDS wasn't the issue--saying, "Let's go slow." Because it seems to me that the only alternative is really loneliness.

BOB: It is. And that's very unfortunate, because I am quite clear that I'm alive today because of the friends that have supported me and my family have supported me and that's what has given me the will to make the fight. It's the bare thread that has gotten me through the worst times. And I agree with everything that you say.

But I think the other side of the coin is that people tend to not deal with it at all.

MIKE: I just wanna make clear that I know several relationships--between all sort of combinations--healthy people with People with AIDS; healthy people with People with ARC; PWAs with other PWAs; PWArcs with PWArcs. So, I wanna remove that excuse: that it never happens.

I'm certainly not saying that it isn't difficult and that there aren't all sorts of obstacles. I mean, gay men as a culture don't have a very good history of solving their relationship problems in part because the social environment in which we have our relationships is so hostile.

BOB: I think the community is still in its infancy as a community and that one of the positive things to come out of this crisis is that it's forcing, so to speak, the community of gay men and forcing them to deal with the next level of development in relationship to looking at an individual. Because from child to adolescent to adulthood, we've been kicked in the ass and told you've been playing around; now it's time to grow up a little bit more.

It's been very hard for me because I have been on my own, taking care of myself, since I was sixteen. I put myself through school and built my own career and to, at 30, have to give up a lot of that independence and to feel like a helpless child in some respects and have to ask for things to be done--I can't reach the paper I wanna read because it's three inches too far and I'm stuck in a reclining chair here. To have to ask for simple things--to have hands that don't work properly and drop a fork and have to ask somebody to come get me a new one.... Those debilitating things are very difficult for people--especially people like me who are used to being so independent. It's hard to be dependent on other people.

You know, friends need to be there for that support and they have to understand that sometimes it's hard to ask for it and they have to try to clue into where and how to give it, even if it's not asked for. And there's a balance there. Because if you give it too much, I mean, there's nothing worse than being an independent human being and having to feel like you're being totally pampered and treated like a helpless infant. That's demeaning in many ways.

So, you know there's both sides and both the patient and the friends and family who are supporting them have to work at finding that balance or the support definitely must come. You know, I don't see how anyone can go through the kind of things I've gone through by themselves. I don't think it's humanly possible.

DATING AFTER DIAGNOSIS
by Tony

There seems to be a great deal of discussion instructing PWAs how to have sex, but very little advice on how and where to meet potential partners.

This caused me to reflect on my experiences of the summer prior to my being diagnosed with KS in 1985. It was in May of that year that an eight year relationship with my lover was clearly over, and in reaction to feelings of loss and loneliness, I embarked on a campaign to meet men with the enthusiasm of Margaret Mead doing anthropological research in New Guinea.

During a business trip to Italy, I shopped for clothes like a voracious "JAP" at Bloomingdale's. Returning to New York, I bought some chemical enhancements that would ensure a pleasant summer. I had decided that if I couldn't be married, at least I could be "fabulous!"

Weekends became fairly routine; with a mere soupcon of cocaine to sustain me, I would exit my fourth floor studio, an elegant barracuda in Kenzo and Armani.

And I went everywhere! I stood in the Spike and looked sullen like a Byzantine icon until I thought my eyeballs would fall out. I circled the Saint's dance floor so many times that I could've walked to Indonesia by the time the night had ended. I even enduring having my ribs crushed and my hair incinerated amidst partying queens at the Monster.

Not surprisingly, I met no one. How could I expect anyone to respond to all the negative attitudes and emotions I had within me? Never mind impressing others with my stately grandeur; I didn't even like myself!

Needless to say, the discovery by my dentist of a KS lesion in my mouth in September of last year caused some major changes in how I related to others, and how I perceived myself. After hiding under the bed for a month, I realized my life was not over. I also emerged from under the bed with a new optimism about my life.

I started going out again, and this time I began to meet guys that I had lunch with, maybe dinner, went to movies, even museums, all the wonderful options New York has to offer taking the time to become acquainted with. My new friend allowed me time to decide whether or not to disclose my current health status. Most importantly, if I felt things were going in that direction, did I want to share my bed with this man? I had decided I would no longer ask myself the question, "Now what was that all about?" as I closed the door and listened to another strange man's footsteps fade as he left my apartment.

Some dates have been delightful, others mediocre, even one terrible date. But how will you ever know if you stay and hide in your Anne Frank room, refusing to go out. After a decade when gay men crossed sexual frontiers, dating is a territory that many of us have yet to explore.

My advice to PWAs about whether or not they should reveal their health status to their dates is as follows. Allow yourself time to determine if there is indeed any chemistry between you and your date, and trust your instincts rather than your impulses, as you may have in the past. Once you've decided to discuss the situation, tell him without a lot of drama and beating around the mulberry bush. Resist the impulse to behave like an Italian movie diva, circa 1950. ("Spit it out, girl!" barked one man as I sputtered and stammered for about ten minutes.)

The response has always been one of compassion, usually a hug, a kiss, and very often the question, "Now, how about spending next weekend together?"

And so, on one of these crisp, cool autumn nights, exchange that veil you've been wearing for the sweater that everyone says you look so handsome in--the one that brings out the color of your eyes. Check your reflection in the mirror one last time and say with conviction, "Tonight I shall be Queen of Baghdad."

Now, go out and enjoy this strange and beautiful forest of light, stone, glass and steel.

LOVE DON'T NEED A REASON

At GMHC's recent AIDS Walk, I had the honor of hearing Peter Allen perform a song which he and I and our good friend Marsha Malamet had written. Since I've had so many requests for copies, I thought I'd just publish the lyrics here.

--Michael Callen

Love Don't Need a Reason
©1986 Music and Lyrics by Peter Allen, Michael Callen & Marsha Malamet

If your heart always did
What a normal heart "should" do
If you always play a part
Instead of being who you really are
Then you might just miss
The one who's standing there
So instead of passing by
Show the someone that you care
Instead of asking "Why?
Why me, and why you?"
Why not we two? 'Cause

Love don't need a reason
Love don't always rhyme
And love is all we have for now
What we don't have is time.

If you always believe
All the madness that we're taught
Never questioning the rules
Then you're living lies you bought
so long ago
How are they to know?
It's not who's wrong or right
It's just another way
And it's not about a fight
It's just I wanna stay
With you till the end
With you, my friend

Cause love don't need a reason
Love don't always rhyme
And love is all we have for now
What we don't have is time.

I'll hold you close
Time can't tear us apart
I will stand by you
We've got to start
With the beat of one heart
Together, we'll see this through

Cause love don't need a reason
Love is never a crime
And love is all we have for now
What we don't have is time
What we don't have is time