I was married the first time at 20, graduated from college and had my first son at 22.  My ex and I seemed to have the perfect life and continued for the next few years to have more children, totally four, three sons and finally a daughter.  I loved being a mother and stayed home with the children for most of our marriage.  During our marriage, my husband took his understanding of head-of-household to some extremes.  He began to his our oldest son when he was four.  Sometimes across the face and often with a kick or push when he didn't mind his father.  I stood and protested this reaction, to no avail.  As much as my ex wanted to be controlling, he could not control his own anger and frequently took it out verbally on me or physically with our oldest son.  Between these times he was pleasant and very involved with his work, church activities, and coaching the children's teams.  We drifted apart, spending less and less time with each other and becoming more irritated with each other.  I became depressed our last year together, my first major depression.  Of course, he would not hear of my going to a counsellor or doctor. Instead he would look for someone to help around the house.  Did he not understand that I felt even more inept with that proposal? I was not doing my job as mother and housewife, so we must pay someone else to do my work.  About five months later, I made the awful decision to leave my family and return to my parents for support.  This meant leaving the state, my children, and all that I had known for thirteen years.  I became involved quickly in another relationship, hoping to fill the hole in my heart. I also sought counselling.  The first several years were extremely turbulent.  In and out of relationships, several career changes and obstacles, continued bouts of depression that went untreated except for counselling.  I missed my children so much! 

I have since been remarried to a wonderful man who also does not have full-time custody of his daughter.  I am treating my chronic depression medically and psychologically.  I have almost finished seminary and will become a minister by the summer.  I am definitely looking forward after eight years since my separation and divorce.  I am close to my children. We speak over the phone weekly.  We tried writing, but we are all procrastinators!  Now we struggle with e-mail, again procrastinating on replies.  But our once a week conversations help us keep track of our lives apart from each other and let them know that I love them very much. Our blended family is strengthening with time.  We have developed new traditions around holidays and have summers to catch up. 

Overall, my life is better, though I still mourn the loss of time with my children.  I have learned to acknowledge these feelings, sometimes to cry, and always to know I am loved by my children despite having allowed their father to make the decision about time with them.  As others have said, I did what I had to with the information and strength that I had at the time. 

I hope this story helps someone else in deciding to release time with their children.  God bless us all!!
Anne