It started when I married my high school sweetheart at the age of 19.  We were married 6 years and had two beautiful children, a girl and a boy.  My daughter was born 9 months after we were married and my son was born when my daughter was a little over 2 years old.  We did not know I was pregnant when we got married.  He was a good husband and a wonderful father.  No abuse, no neglect and no cheating on his part (that I know of).  I was the one with the problems.  About 4 years into our marriage (after the children were born), I had a brief affair with a man I met at a bar, through a friend (of both mine and my husbands).  It meant nothing and I only saw this man twice.  However, I could not live with myself and could not lie to my husband, so I told him.  He was hurt but said that he loved me and our family and we could work it out.  We went to counselling, but we separated for a short while (6 months or so).  At this time, the children stayed in our home with him, yet I had daily contact with them.

We reconciled and our lives went on, but not for very long.  I again had an affair with a man I had not known long and once again, did not want to hurt my husband or lie to him, so after the first few times I was with this man, I decided to leave my husband so that I could quit hurting him and try to find out what it was I needed in my life and figure out WHO I TRULY WAS and why did this keep happening.  I thought he was better off without me. 

I decided to move out of our home and into an apartment.  He told me he was losing me and could not lose his children also or he would kill himself.  He lived close to both sets of our parents, the children's school and in the house we had been raising them in and I was going to have to work two jobs just to afford an apartment with two bedrooms, my car payment and my living expenses.  So he came up with this idea that instead of the kids being in day-care all day while we both worked and then with a baby-sitter or my mom at night, why not them just stay with him and I could see them WHENEVER I wanted and he would not ask me to pay child support - - just my share of their day-care and doctors expenses, etc... and for clothes, shoes, food when they were in my care.  This did not sound bad to me, although not being with my children every single night to put them to bed, etc., broke my heart, but I honestly still loved their father very much and he was a good father and thought this would be the best thing for ALL of us at THE TIME.  I also felt very guilty and did not want him to take his life because of something I had done.

Well, the divorce papers came soon after and I could not afford an attorney and was too proud to ask my parents for any money since I was trying TO MAKE IT ON MY OWN!!!  I discussed all of this with them and they thought it sounded to be a really good situation for all of us.  So his attorney did the divorce with he as Primary Physical Custodial Parent and me with visitation anytime I wanted them with 24 hour notice and Joint Legal Custody.  He promised me that I would ALWAYS be their mother, a part of their life and he would NEVER try to come between me and my children no matter WHAT happened!!

This worked and was working really well.  He and I spent birthdays and most holidays together with the kids the first year and a half.  Then he met HER (his new wife) and EVERYTHING changed!!!  My life and my children's lives was just about to be turned inside out  and all because I believed HIM and all those promises he made to me.  I never thought he would hurt me or OUR children - - boy was I wrong!!

They dated about 1 1/2 years and were married.  She never tried to get to know me, or to like me.  I tried to get to know her and to like her - - for my kids sake.

As soon as they married, she noticed that he and I had a rather peculiar relationship (or so she thought).  We got along really well and still remained friends and did things with our kids together even though we were divorced.  She was VERY jealous and told my ex-husband that divorced people are NOT SUPPOSE TO GET ALONG!!!  He told me that and I laughed.  I told him, she does not know us and our relationship is not like MOST divorced people.  He laughed with me and promised me even when they married things would not change.  He promised me that he would NEVER let them call her MOM because I was their mother.

Well - - this story gets longer and A LOT more complicated.  It has been almost 9 years since our divorce and the day that he made those FIRST promises to me to NEVER come between me and my children and to always let me be a part of their lives and that they would NEVER call her mom, etc., etc., etc.

Since their marriage a little over 6 years ago, we have been to court over physical custody, legal custody and his contemptuous actions 5 times.  My children are doing considerably well in school, physically and mentally, even though they have been through so much emotionally with all the court battles and everything else they have been put through. 

I have been through it all.  Allegations of physical child abuse by me and then when I married, my new husband - - (which were found unsubstantiated for BOTH of us).  Sexual abuse charges, which again were all a lie.  You name it, I have been through it and so have my children.

I wanted to get full custody of my children after they got married and all of this CRAP started happening, but the justice system said unless he or she were unfit, druggies or hurting the children - - they would not remove them from the home.

I now live out of state some 1300 miles from my ex, his wife, my family and my children due to my new husband's job.  We have been married 4 years and he is the love of my life (besides my children).  He has two daughters of his own and has been through the same stuff that I have been through.

Between the two of us and our court battles we could OWN a law firm. (That is how much we have both paid in attorneys fees) in both our 9 years of fighting for our kids.

I thought he would be reasonable with visitation and phone contact when I moved out of state.  Well, things have only got WORSE, if you can believe that.  Now I can't even reach my children via telephone, as he turned the answering machine off and now just does not pick up the phone when I call.

I send my children packages with little knick-knacks, CD's and I MISS YOU cards about once every two weeks, yet I never get letters back.  He has had my daughter change her email address 4 times in the last year and last time I asked her for her new one, she told me that she could not remember it.

I have spent A LOT of money flying the children back and forth (when able to) and I fly in to my hometown to see them and my family about 3-4 times per year, which really helps because he HAS to grant me custody then because we still have a custody order in that state until a new one is set for my new residence out of state, which takes place in April 2001.

I just want to say that I FEEL FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU - - whether you are the mother or the father of non custodial child.  I know what my husband has been through and I know what I have been through and it take TREMENDOUS STRENGTH to get out of bed each and every day without our children - - we love them more than our own lives, but we know that they need us no matter WHAT!!!

This is not their fault's and they do not understand until they are older about everything that has happened along the way - - and everything we ALL have had to go through and all the reasons behind all the decisions that have been made.

Keep the faith and pray, pray, pray!!!  Find a good counsellor or someone to talk to and DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!  The justice system is unfair - - and I do not believe and I KNOW that they do not always do what truly is IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD(REN)!!!  From my own fight I can tell you that!!!  A good attorney does not come cheap, but you WILL NEED one to have ANY hope!!!

If you would like to correspond with me, or would like to hear more of my story, please feel free to email me.  I will pray not only for myself, my husband and OUR children, but for all of you out there fighting this horrible battle to try to be with your own child(ren).  Don't EVER give up!!!!

Alicia

email:  wojo4@earthlink.net