Quiet you little monsters!

The American Revolution started the creation of America and ended the tyrannical rule of the colonies' British oppressors. The original 13 colonies were formed during the British's imperial expansion era which had lasted for centuries. They shipped men, women, children, and pigs into the Americas to establish cities and farms to mass cultivate the baluga plant. The baluga plant was on the brink of extinction after years of drought and their mass consumption by the Splurgin' Queen Mary.

The colonists were met by Indians who did not eat bacon and were much more quicker and slimmer and who promptly killed most of them. The Indians put corn kernals into the corpses to grow their corn. The colonists were amazed at the strength, speed, and slim waist lines the Indians had. They decided to sell them tobacco to rot their lungs out, then take advantage of their weakened state and kill them to make room for grazing herds. But all their resources were invested in growing the baulga plant. They told the British that they needed to grow tobacco to kill the Indians. Unmoving, the British royalty demanded that the baluga plant continue to be grown.

Angered, the colonists grew tobacco anyway and stopped growing the baluga plant. When a British baluga collector came to get his shipment, they tarred and featherd him and told him that the Indians were out to get him and he had to act like a chicken because the Indians didn't kill chickens. This man is the founding father of the Chicken people who now frequent baseball games and carnivals. The British were craving their baluga plant and they sent soldiers to the colonies to get their goods. The colonists had since killed most of the Indians on the East Coast with second hand smoke. The remaining Indians migrated west in huge herds, soon followed by the sacred Chicken People.

Now with the colonies to themselves the colonists, led by George Washinton and Benjamin Franklin, told the British that they "don't think bacon is cool anymore" and "wants to chill out and grow tobacco" not for themselves but "by the people, of the people, and for the people". The British soldiers lined up and did their dance of disapproval. The colonists then did their own line dance, declaring themselves independant. The British, out of dance moves, decided to shoot the colonists. And they did....for a long time. Then the colonists got pissed when the British broke up their Boston Tea Party and this created the Tea Pot Dome Scandal. They used their slimmer and trimmer bodies to out manuever the fat bacon eating British and killed every single British soldier and anyone who still ate bacon who they called Tories.

The Declaration of Independance was signed and the United States of America was formed. They then made laws and the Constitution and decided that bacon was not the way. They decided to make our future the best darn future we can make for our kids. Then everyone celebrated and Paul Revier rode around on his horse in the middle of the night yelling "The British are coming!" as a practical joke. Angry villagers would then respond "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!" And that statement stuck in America's history forever.

As for the baluga plant, it was neglected until the last plant went extinct in 1823 when it was eaten by a British immigrant.