Someone pass the milk, please?

I am here to talk to you about the degeneration of pornography and the impact it will have on America as a whole. Oh, I’m sorry. That report is for President Clinton. You should see my visual aids. They’re grrrrrrrrreat.

Anyway, my complaint is about the terrible world of breakfast cereals and the trauma and long term pain a child can suffer from it. Most of what I am going to write is from personal experiences and I hope you can relate to it. The first thing that is wrong is the misleading nutrition labels on the side of the cereal boxes. They list worthless vitamins such as Iron, Riboflavin, Calcium, and Zinc as important ingredients. If I want Iron in my diet I’ll go chew on my houses roof supports. No wonder the health of our children is deteriorating so rapidly. The cereal companies are putting metal shop waste into the cereals they eat in the morning.

And what’s the point of putting Calcium into cereal? I mean what the hell do we eat cereal with anyway? MILK. Don’t they know that too much Calcium in a growing child’s diet can cause breast cancer in their elderly future? And what about Zinc? Last time I heard about it, they use it in wire alloys and battery acid. Hey, that’s great. Why don’t we dump nuclear waste into Lucky Charms and advertise it as “glow in the dark breakfast fun”. Maybe we don’t have enough Uranium in our diet. Hey, and to hell with eating our cereal with milk. Just crack open a case of motor oil while we’re at it. It’ll keep our children’s motors running and prevent viscosity breakdown. The ingredients list caustic materials such as maltic acid, pyridoxine hydrochloride, and folic acid as those ingredients listed at the end of the ingredients list. All right, you don’t need a chemistry set little Timmy, you got it right in your cereal! We know that the list is in order from greatest amount to the least amount in the cereal. They are trying to sneak industrial waste into cereal and listing it at the bottom of the list so we won’t notice it.

And to try to distract you even more from it, they put mazes, puzzles, and other games on the back so you have something to do while eating your breakfast. Don’t you see that they are distractions thought up by the fat cats of the cereal/chemical waste disposal industry? I wouldn’t be surprised if there were hidden subliminal messages in the close up picture of the cereal dripping with milk on the front of every box. Must.....obey.....the Cap’n......

Another thing that pisses me off about cereal is its uselessness in kinky sexual situations. Most people don’t find it arousing to be covered with whipped cream and shredded wheat or corn flakes....nevermind. And what’s with the free toy thing nowadays? Back in the good ol’ days you popped open a new box of cereal, put your unwashed hand into it, burrowed around inside it for awhile, got yelled at by your mother, found your treasure, and withdrew your arm- spilling a good bowl full of cereal in the process for a freakin’ decoder ring or baseball card. Then it got complicated. You had to fill out a form and mail it in. Delivery was in 4 to 6 weeks, all of which was spent saying “Did it come yet?”, “Did you check the mail?”, “Where is my underwear?”, and the ever popular “What’s this growth on my neck?”. When you finally got it, the hype was over. You didn’t care about it anymore because you already ordered something else from another cereal box that seems even cooler. And delivery wasn’t always guaranteed. I’m still waiting for my Dehydrated Spaceman Ice Cream from Kellogg’s. Bastards. Then it got even worse because you had to send in UPCs in great quantities to get your toy. Now not only do you have to send in UPCs, but also money to get your toy.

This is as despicable as the Nazi invasion of Poland. German run companies are hypnotizing our children into wanting the toy, eating great amounts of cereal to get the toy, and sending them money after all of that to finally get the toy-in 4 to 6 weeks. I say we revolt against these companies and destroy them. Burning the factories shouldn’t be too hard since they are filled with industrial waste anyway. Then we loot the prize vaults, turn Tony the Tiger into a rug, make the Cap’n walk the plank.........no... wait....must....obey.....the Cap’n, catch Lucky and make him swing from the highest tree, put a stake through Count Chocula’s heart, and expose Snap, Crackle, and Pop as the gay lovers they are. No longer will we be slaves of sugar coated breakfast cereals, no longer will we feed our children industrial waste, no longer will we fuel the Nazi war machine. We will take control of breakfast with swift, violent force and all that stand in our way will be crushed. We will send anyone ever related to the cereal/chemical waste disposal industry to the gas chambers. The tides are turning you Nazi bastards!!! This will be our finest hour!!!