Episode 1

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

(Opening Scene: Mozart sitting at piano tinkling with the keys. He finishes tinkling.)

Mozart: Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis.

(Cut to Genghis Khan's tent. Genghis strides about purposefully. Indian-style background music. Suddenly the music cuts out and Genghis Khan with a squawk throws himself in the air and lands on his back. This happens very suddenly. Judges hold up cards with points on, in the manner of ice skating judges.)

Voice Over: 9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.

(Mozart still at piano.)

Mozart: Bad luck Genghis. Nice to have you on the show. And now here are the scores.

(Scoreboard with Eddie Waring figure standing by it. The scoreboard looks a little like this:)

St Stephan 29.9

Richard III 29.3

Jean D'arc 29.1

Marat 29.0

A. Lincoln (U.S. of A.) 28.2

G. Khan 28.1

King Edward VII 3.1

Eddie: Well there you can see the scores now. St Stephen in the lead there with his stoning, then comes King Richard the Third at Bosworth Field, a grand death that, then the very lovely Jean d'Arc, then Marat in his bath - best of friends with Charlotte in the showers afterwards - then A. Lincoln of the U.S of A, a grand little chap that, and number six Genghis Khan, and the back marker King Edward the Seventh. Back to you, Wolfgang.

(Mozart still at piano.)

Mozart: Thank you, Eddie. And now time for this week's request death. (taking card off piano) For Mr and Mrs Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull, the death of Mr Bruce Foster of Guildford.

(Cut to a lounge setting. Mr Foster sitting in chair.)

Foster: Strewth! (he dies)

(Mozart still there. He looks at watch.)

Mozart: Oh blimey, how time flies. Sadly we are reaching the end of yet another programme and so it is finale time. We are proud to be bringing to you one of the evergreen bucket kickers. Yes, the wonderful death of the famous English Admiral Nelson.

(Cut to a modern office block, as high as possible. After a pause a body flies out of the top window looking as much like Nelson as possible. As it plummets there is a strangled scream.)

Nelson: Kiss me Hardy!

(The body hits the ground. There is the loud noise of a pig squealing.)

Italian Lesson

(Cut to a night school Teacher looking down out of classroom window. He crosses to a long wall blackboard with line of pigs drawn on near end. He crosses one off, walks along blackboard to other end which has written on it 'evening classes 7-8p.m. '. He writes 'Italian' below this and turns to camera.)

Teacher: Ah - good evening everyone, and welcome to the second of our Italian language classes, in which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian. Last week we started at the beginning, and we learnt the Italian for a 'spoon'. Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?

(Shout of 'Si, Si, Si,' from the class whom we see are all Italians.)

Teacher: Not all at once ... sit down Mario. Giuseppe!

Giuseppe: II cucchiaio.

Teacher: Well done Giuseppe, or, as the Italians would say: 'Molto bene, Giuseppe'.

Giuseppe: Grazie signor ... grazie di tutta la sua gentilezza.

Teacher: Well, now, this week we're going to learn some useful phrases to help us open a conversation with an Italian. Now first of all try telling him where you come from. For example, I would say: 'Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross', I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross. Shall we all try that together?

All: Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross.

Teacher: Not too bad, now let's try it with somebody else. Er... Mr... ?

Mariolini: Mariolini.

Teacher: Ah, Mr Mariolini, and where are you from?

Mariolini: Napoli, signor.

Teacher: Ah ... you're an Italian.

Mariolini: Si, si signor!

Teacher: Well in that case you would say: 'Sono Italiano di Napoli'.

Mariolini: Ah, capisco, mile grazie signor...

Francesco: Per favore, signor!

Teacher: Yes?

Francesco: Non conosgeve parliamente, signor devo me parlo sono Irallano di Napoil quando il habitare de Milano.

Teacher: I'm sorry ... I don't understand!

Giuseppe: (pointing to Francesco) My friend say 'Why must he say...'

(Hand goes up at back of room and a Lederhosen Teutonic figure stands up.)

Helmut: Bitte mein Herr. Was ist das Won für Mittelschmerz?

Teacher: Ah! Helmut - you want the German classes.

Helmut: Oh ja! Danke schön. (he starts to leave) Ah das deutsche Klassenzimmer... Ach! (he leaves)

Giuseppe: My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian from Napoli when he lives in Milan?'

Teacher: Ah, I... well, tell your friend ... if he lives in Milan he must say 'Sono Italiano di Milano...'

Francesco: (agitatedly, leaping to his feet) Eeeeeee! Milano è tanto meglio di Napoli. Milano è la citta la più bella di tutti ... nel mondo...

Giuseppe: He say 'Milan is better than Napoil'.

Teacher: Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done comparatives yet.

(In the background everyone has stared talking in agitated Italian. At this point a genuine mandolin-playing Italian secreted amongt the cast strikes up: 'Quando Caliente Del Sol...' or similar. The class is out of control by this time. The teacher helplessly tries to control them but eventually gives up and retreats to his desk and sits down. There is a loud pig squeal and he leaps up.)

Wizzo Butter

Voice Over: (during an animation) Yes, mothers, new improved Whizzo butter containing 10% more or less is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab. Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go to HEAVEN!

(Cut to a group middle-aged lower-middle-class women [hereafter referred to as 'Pepperpots'] being interviewed.)

First Pepperpot: I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.

Interviewer: Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.

Pepperpots: It's true, we can't. No.

Second Pepperpot: Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?

Interviewer: (modestly) Yes, yes.

Second Pepperpot: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo butter from a dead crab.

Third Pepperpot: You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.

It’s the Arts

Eric Idle: Good evening and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. And we kick off this evening with Cinema.

Host (John Cleese): Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight.

Ross (Graham Chapman): Good evening.

Host: Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?

Ross: No, not at all.

Host: Because it does worry some people - I don't know why - but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.

Ross: No, that's fine.

Host: So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up.

Ross: No, no, please. Edward it is.

Host: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, er...

Ross: Yes, quite.

Host: Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport - put the other person at his ease...

Ross: Quite.

Host: Silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still, er, least said the better. Ted, when you first started you... I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted, er, I mean as opposed to Edward?

Ross: No, no, everyone calls me Ted.

Host: Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.

Ross: Yes it is.

Host: And much less formal!

Ross: Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!

Host: Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...

Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called 'Eddie Baby'.

Host: What?

Ross: I don't like being called 'Eddie Baby'.

Host: (pause) Did I call you 'Eddie Baby'?

Ross: Yes, you did! Now if you could get on with the interview...

Host: I don't think I did call you 'Eddie Baby'.

Ross: You did!

Host: Did I call him 'Eddie Baby'?

(Audience murmurs of 'yes' etc.)

Host: I didn't really call you 'Eddie Baby', did I, sweetie?

Ross: Don't call me 'sweetie'!

Host: Can I call you 'sugar plum'?

Ross: No.

Host: 'Pussycat'?

Ross: No!

Host: 'Angel drawers'?

Ross: No you may not! Get on with it!

Host: Can I call you 'Frank'?

Ross (suspiciously): Why 'Frank'?

Host: It's a nice name. Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.

Ross: What IS going on?

Host: Now Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...

Ross: No. I'm leaving. I'm off. I'm going. I've never... (exits)

Host (loudly): Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.

Ross (nearly offstage): What?

Host: Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so very kind.

Ross: None of this 'Pussycat' nonsense?

Host: Promise. (Pats seat next to him.) Please, Sir Edward.

Ross: My latest film?

Host: Yes, Sir Edward.

Ross: Well the idea, funnily enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy and...

Host: Oh shut up!

Arthur “Two-Sheds” Jackson

Host (Eric Idle): Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson.

Jackson (Terry Jones): Hello.

Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...

Jackson: Ah yes.

Host: 'Two sheds'. How did you come by it?

Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me 'Two Sheds'.

Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?

Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me 'Two Sheds'.

Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.

Jackson: Yes.

Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?

Jackson (impatient): No!

Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?

Jackson: No.

Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.

Jackson: Ah yes.

Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?

Jackson (surprised): No!

Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?

Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.

Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in!

Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business -- it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!

Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh?

Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.

Host (sternly): Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.

Jackson: What?

Host: Apprently your symphony was written for tympani and organ....

(Picture of a shed appears on the screen behind them)

Jackson (turning around): What's that!?!?!???

Host (innocently): What's what?

Jackson: Its a shed!!...get it off!! get it off!!

(Interviewer motions to picture, and it is replaced by a picture of Jackson himself)

Jackson: (Grudgingly) All right...Thats better..

Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.

Jackson: What?

Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting.

Jackson: Well what's that got to do with my bloody music?

John Cleese (entering): Are you having any trouble with him?

Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.

Cleese: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, 'Two Sheds'.

Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, 'Two Sheds'. This studio isn't big enough for the three of us!

(They throw him out.)

Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! (Crash.)

Cleese: Get your own Arts programme, you fairy!

Host: Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson... Never mind, Timmy.

Cleese: Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.

Picasso/Cycling Race

Announcer : And now for more news of the momentous artistic event in which Pablo Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us whilst riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso - the founder of modern art - without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever... for the first time painting in motion. But first of all let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.

(Cut to Raymond Baxter type standing in front of map. A small cardboard cut-out of Picasso's face is on map and is moved around to illustrate route.)

Baxter: Well Picasso will be starting, David, at Chichester here, he'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell, he'll then take the A272 which will bring him on to the A3 just north of Hindhead here. From then on Pablo has a straight run on the A3 until he meets the South Circular at Battersea here. Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion as it is the first time that a modern artist of such stature has taken the A272, and it'll be very interesting to see how he copes with the heavy traffic round Wisborough Green. Vicky.

(Cut to Vicky, holding a bicycle.)

Vicky: Well Picasso will be riding his Viking Super Roadster with the drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel-rims and with his Wiley-Prat 20-1 synchro-mesh he should experience difficulties on the sort of road surfaces they just don't get abroad. Mitzie.

(Cut to linkman at desk with Viking on one side and a knight in armour on the other.)

Announcer: And now for the latest report on Picasso's progress over to Reg Moss on the Guildford by-pass.

(Reg Moss standing with hand mike by fairly busy road.)

Reg: Well there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David. But he should be through here at any moment. However I do have with me Mr Ron Geppo, British Cycling Sprint Champion and this year's winner of the Derby-Doncaster rally.

Geppo: (in full cyclist's kit.) Well Reg, I think Pablo should be all right provided he doesn't attempt anything on the monumental scale of some of his earlier paintings, like Guernica or Mademoiselles d'Avignon or even his later War and Peace murals for the Temple of Peace chapel at Vallauris, because with this strong head wind I don't think even Doug Timpson of Manchester Harriers could paint anything on that kind of scale.

Reg: Well, thank you Ron. Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso, so I'll hand you back to the studio.

Announcer: Well, we've just heard that Picasso is approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3 so come in Sam Trench at Tolworth.

Trench: (Standing at roadside) Well something certainly is happening here at Tolworth roundabout, David. I can now see Picasso, he's cycling down very hard towards the roundabout, he's about 75-50 yards away and I can now see his painting... it's an abstract... I can see some blue some purple and some little black oval shapes... I think I can see...

(A Pepperpot comes up and nudges him.)

Pepperpot: That's not Picasso - that's Kandinsky.

Trench: (excitted) Good lord, you're right. It's Kandinsky. Wassily Kandinsky, and who's this here with him? It's Braque. Georges Braque, the Cubist, painting a bird in flight over a cornfield and going very fast down the hill towards Kingston and... (cylists pass in front of him) Piet Mondrian - just behind, Piet Mondrian the Neo-Plasticist, and then a gap, then the main bunch, here they come, Chagall, Max Ernst, Miro, Dufy, Ben Nicholson, Jackson Pollock and Bernard Buffet making a break on the outside here, Brancusi's going with him, so is Gericault, Ferdinand Leger, Delaunay, De Kooning, Kokoschka's dropping back here by the look of it, and so's Paul Klee dropping back a bit and, right at the back of this group, our very own Kurt Schwitters..

Pepperpot: He's German!

Trench: But as yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso, and so from Tolworth roundabout back to the studio.

(Toulouse-Lautrec pedals past on a child's tricycle. Cut back to studio.)

Announcer: Well I think I can help you there Sam, we're getting reports in from the AA that Picasso, Picasso has fallen off... he's fallen off his bicycle on the B2127 just outside Ewhurst, trying to get a short cut through to Dorking via Peaslake and Goreshall. Well, Picasso is reported to be unhurt, but the pig has a slight headache. And on that note we must say goodnight to you. Picasso has failed in his first bid for international cycling fame. So from all of us here at the 'It's the Arts' studio, it's goodnight. (pig's head appears over edge of desk; linkman gently pushes it back) Goodnight.

The Funniest Joke in the World

(Opening Scene: A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)

Voice Over: This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.

(Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)

Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...

(Ernest's mother (Eric Idle in drag) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)

Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

(About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)

Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a grouo of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke. He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

(The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.)

Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

(Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)

(Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)

Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.)

Generals: Fantastic.

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

Colonel: All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)

Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...

Commanding NCO: Tell the ... joke.

Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.)

Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper ... and one which Hider just couldn't match.

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.
SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL'

Voice Over: In action it was deadly.

(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.)

Corporal: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)

Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.)

Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.

(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically. Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.)

Nazi: Vott is the big joke?

Officer: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?

Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.

Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?

Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

Nazi: Gott in Hiramell That's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effct) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.

Nazi: Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

(Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,)

Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

(They stop tickling him)

Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter.

(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)

Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)

Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!

(Nazi burts into laughter and dies. A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.)

Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.)

Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

(A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)

German Joker: Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

He finishes and looks hopeful.

Otto: We let you know.

(He shoots him. Film of German scientists.)

Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.

(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)

Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

(Radio bunts into 'Deutschland Uber Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.)

Commentator (Eric Idle): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)