Episode 1
Montgolfier Brothers
(Animation
of balloons ascending.)
CAPTION:
'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
CAPTION:
'THE BEGINNINGS'
(Cut
to a suburban bathroom. A plumber with a bag of tools open beside him is doing
an elaborate repair on the toilet. He is in rather an awkward position.)
Plumber:
(working away) The Golden Age of Ballooning can be said to begin in 1783 ...
when the Montgolfier brothers made their first ascent in a fire balloon. On the
eve of that ... (struggling with the work) come on... come on... momentous
ascent, the brothers took one last look at their craft, as it stood on the
field of Annencay.
(Pleasant
elegant eighteenth-century music. Mix to a French small country-house interior.
At the window Joseph and Jacques Montgolfier are looking out at their balloon.
In the background a plumber is working away at a bit of eighteenth-century
French piping.)
Jacques:
This is a great moment for us, Joseph.
Joseph:
It is a great moment for France.
Jacques:
Ah, oui!
Joseph:
First ascent in a hot-air balloon, by the Montgolfier brothers - 1783 ... I can
see us now... just after Montesquieu and just before Mozart.
Jacques:
I think I'll go and wash ...
Joseph:
Good luck.
Jacques:
Oh ... it's quite easy, really ... I just slap a little water on my face,
then...
Joseph:
No... good luck for tomorrow.
Jacques:
Oh I see, yes. You too. Yours has been the work.
Joseph:
Let us hope for a safe ascent... and don't use my flannel.
Jacques:
You know, when you showed me the plans in Paris, I could not believe that we
should be the first men who would fly.
Joseph:
Yes ... it's wonderful.
Jacques:
I am so excited I could hardly wash.
Joseph:
Yes ... I too have had some difficulty washing these past few days.
Jacques:
Still, what is washing when we are on the verge of a great scientific
breakthrough?
Joseph:
Jacques...
Jacques:
Yes, Joseph...
Joseph:
I have not been washing very thoroughly for many years now.
Jacques:
What do you mean? You must have been washing your face?
Joseph:
Oh yes, my face, I wash my face... but my legs... my stomach ... my chest,
they're filthy.
Jacques:
Well, I don't wash my stomach every day.
Joseph:
(with increasing self-remorse) Ah, but you wash far more than me ... you are
the cleaner of the Montgolfier brothers.
Jacques:
This is nothing, Joseph...
(A
very formal butler enters.)
Buffer:
Monsieur Montgolfier.. A Mr Parfitt to see you, sir. (A head appears round the
door and corrects the butler, in a very stage whisper.)
Mr
Bartlett: No, no... no... Bartlett! (the head disappears again)
Buffer:
A Mr Barklit, to see you, sir.
Mr
Bartlett: No! Bartlett with a 't'. (the head disappears again)
Buffer:
(with di'icul'y) Barr ... at ... elett ... to see you, sir.
Mr
Bartlett: Bartlett (he disappears again)
Buffer:
Barkit...
Mr
Bartlett: Bartlett!
Buffer:
Baffle... Bartlett... A Mr Bartlett to see you, sir.
Joseph:
I don't want to see anyone, O'Toole... tell him to go away.
Buffer:
Thank you, sir. (he exits)
Jacques:
Well, it's getting late. I must go and have a wash.
Joseph:
What will you be washing?
Jacques:
Oh ... just my face and neck ... perhaps my feet... and possibly ... but no ...
no ... lock up the plans, Joseph... tomorrow they will make us the toast of
France. 'The first ascent by the Montgolfier brothers in a balloon'. Just after
Ballcock and just before Bang... what a position!
(Some
men have now entered the room, chosen a spot and are briskly but quietly
setting up a screen and a projector, The projector is turned on and a film
comes up on the screen together with triumphant music, applause and commentary.
We zoom in to the screen. It shows an animation of two naked men boxing in a
large tub of water.)
Voice
Over: So, on June 7th, 1783, the Montgolfier brothers had a really good wash
... starting on his face and arms, Joseph Michael Montgolfier went on to scrub
his torso, his legs and his naughty bits, before rinsing his whole body. That
June night, he and his brother between them washed seventeen square feet of
body area. They used a kilo and a half of catholic soap and nearly fourteen
gallons of nice hot water. It was indeed an impressive sight.
(Music
crescendo.)
CAPTION:
'THE END'
(Picture
of a balloon. Cut to BBC2 logo)
SUPERIMPOSED
CAPTION: 'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'.
Voice
Over: Next week on 'The Golden Age of Ballooning', we examine the work of
Girlsher and Coxwell, the English balloonists who ascended to a height of seven
miles in 1862 without washing. There is also a book called 'The Golden Age of
Ballooning' published by the BBC to coincide with the series. It's in an
attractive hand-tooled binding, is priced L5 and failure to buy it will make
you liable to a £50 fine or three months' imprisonment. There's also a record
of someone reading the book of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning', a crochet-work
bedspread with the words 'The Golden Age of Ballooning' on it, available from
the BBC, price £18 or five months' imprisonment and there are matching
toilet-seat covers and courtesy mats with illustrations of many of the baboons
mentioned. Also available is a life-size model frog which croaks the words 'The
Golden Age of Ballooning' and an attractive bakelite case for storing motorway
construction plans in, made in the shape of a balloon. And now, another chance
to see a repeat of this morning's re-run of last night's second showing of
episode 'two of the award-winning series 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'.
(ANIMATION:
balloons ascending as before.)
CAPTION:
'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
CAPTION:
'EPISODE TWO: THE MONTGOLFIER BROTHERS IN LOVE'
CAPTION:
'NOT WITH EACH OTHER, OBVIOUSLY'
(Joseph
Montgolfier's workshop. We see plans and drawing boards, and at one end of the
room, Joseph's fiancee, Antoinette, in a pretty dress. She is hanging suspended
in a harness horizontally, attached to a gas bag. In other words she is
fioating like the bottom half of an airship. Joseph is making calculations
excitedly. Occasionally he goes over to her, takes a measurement and goes back
to his desk to write it down.)
Antoinette:
Oh Joseph, all you think about is balloons... all you talk about is balloons.
Your beautiful house is fun of bits and pieces of balloons... your books are
all about balloons... every time you sing a song, it is in some way obliquely
connected with balloons... everything you eat has to have 'balloon'
incorporated in the title... your dogs are an called 'balloonno'... you tie
balloons to your ankles in the evenings.
Joseph:
I don't do that!
Antoinette:
Well, no, you don't do that, but you do duck down and shout 'Hey! Balloons!'
when there are none about. Your whole life is becoming obsessively balloonic,
you know. Why do I have to hang from this bloody gas bag all day? Don't I mean
anything to you?
Joseph:
(busy measuring) Oh ma cherie, you mean more to me than any heavier than air dirigible
could ever...
Antoinette:
Oh there you go again!
Joseph:
Don't waggle!
(Jacques
enters.)
Jacques:
I've run your bath for you, Joseph. (he sees Antoinette) Oh... I'm so sorry, I
didn't realize.
Joseph:
It's all right, we've done the difficult bit.
Jacques:
Well, don't forget we have our special guest coming this evening.
Joseph:
Oh?
Jacques:
Don't tell me you have forgotten already. The man who is giving us thousands of
francs for our experiments.
Joseph:
What man?
Jacques:
Louis XIV!
Joseph:
Isn't he dead?
Jacques:
Evidently not...
Joseph:
All right, I'll be round.
Jacques:
Oh, and Joseph...
Joseph:
Yes, Jacques?
Jacques:
You will... wash... won't you?
Joseph:
Yes, of course!
CAPTION:
'LATER THAT EVENING'
Louis XIV
(Sketch
is a continuation of 'Montgolfier Brothers' Sketch. Fade up on the
Montgolfiers' sitting room. Jacques sits there rather nervously. The plumber is
working away. The door opens and the butler appears.)
Butler:
His Royal Majesty, Louis XIV of France.
(Mr
Bartlett's head pops in and whispers loudly to butler.)
Mr
Bartlett: And Mr Bartlett.
(The
butler pushes him aside. Fanfare. Enter Louis XIV and two tough-looking
advisers. He is resplendent in state robes.)
Jacques:
Your Majesty. It's a great privilege. Welcome to our humble abode.
Louis:
(in very broad Glaswegian accent) It's er... very nice to be here.
Jacques:
(calling) O'Toole.
Butler:
Sir?
Jacques:
Claret for His Majesty please.
Butler:
There's a Mr Barttett outside again, sir.
Jacques:
Not now, I can't see him, we have the King of France here.
Butler:
Yes, sir.
(He
exits. Jacques and the king stand in rather embarrassed silence. Jacques
eventually speaks.)
Jacques:
Your Majesty. You had a pleasant journey, I trust?
Louis:
Yes... yes, oh definitely... yes... yes. Oh aye, aye.
(Silence.)
Jacques:
You have come from Paris?
Louis:
Where?
Jacques:
From Paris... you have travelled from Paris?
Louis:
Oh yes, we've come from Paris... yes... yes, yes, we've just come from... er...
Paris... yes.
(The
butler comes back in.)
Butler:
Sir?
Jacques:
Yes, O'Toole?
Butler:
Which one is the claret, sir?
Jacques:
The claret is in the decanter.
Butler:
The wooden thing?
Jacques:
No no... the glass thing... the glass decanter with the round glass stopper.
Butler:
Oh yes, behind the door.
Jacques:
No no... on the sideboard.
Butler:
The sideboard?
Jacques:
The sideboard... yes. Look... you go into the salle a manger ... the dining
room, right? - and the sideboard is on your left, by the wall, beside the master's
portrait.
Butler:
Ah! Above the mirror, sir?
Jacques:
No! No! The mirror is on the other side. It's opposite the mirror.
Butler:
But that's the table, sir.
Jacques:
No... you don't go as far as the table. You go into the room, right?... on your
right is the door to the orangery, straight ahead of you is the door to the
library, and to your left is the sideboard.
Butler:
Ah, yes, I see, sir...
Jacques:
And the claret is on top of the sideboard, to the left.
Butler:
On the left.
Jacques:
Yes...
Butler:
As one looks at it, sir?
Jacques:
Yes.
Butler:
I see, sir, thank you. (he turns to go)
Jacques:
O'Toole.
Butler:
Yes, sir.
Jacques:
Will you please tell Monsieur Joseph our guest is here.
Butler:
Yes, sir.
(He
leaves. There is another embarrassed silence.)
Jacques:
I'm sorry about that, Your Majesty.
Butler:
(re-entering) Apparently, sir, there is a plan to build a canal between the two
Egyptian towns of..,
Jacques:
Not now, O'Toole!
(The
butler exits. More silence.)
Louis:
Well... er... Mr Montgolfier... let's not beat around the bush ... my... dukes
and I are very busy men. What we'd like to do is see the plans of your proposed
balloon... if that's at all possible.
Jacques:
Certainly, Your Majesty... I have them here ready prepared.
Louis:
Oh, great .... then... what we would like to do ... is er... to take them back
with us for the Royal Archives of er...
First
Duke: (also Glaswegian) France.
Louis:
France, aye.
Jacques:
Well, it is indeed a great honour Your Majesty, that I cannot refuse.
Louis:
Right! OK! Let's get 'em.
(He
and his two dukes are suddenly galvanizd into action. They are about to grab
the plans when Joseph enters, clad only in a towel and rather silly bath hat.)
Joseph:
Just a moment!
Jacques:
Joseph!
Joseph:
(indicating the king) This man is not Louis XIV!
Jacques:
Joseph Are you out of your mind!
Joseph:
I've been looking it up in my bath. Louis XIV died in 1717. It's now 1783!
Answer me that!
Louis:
Did I say Louis XIV? Oh, sorry, I meant Louis XV... Louis XV.
Joseph:
He died in 1774!
(Louis,
getting rather hot and angry, comes over to Joseph belligerently.)
Louis:
All right, Louis XVI!... listen to me, smartarse, when you're King of
France,... you've got better things to do than go around all day remembering
your bloody number.
(Putting
his face very close to Joseph's. He butts him sharply and viciously on the
bridge of the nose with his forehead in the time-honoured Glaswegian way.)
Joseph:
Aaaaaarh!
(He
reels away, clutching his nose in agony. Louis approaches Jacques, equally
belligerently.)
Louis:
Right! You want to argue about numbers?
Jacques:
Er... no, no.
Louis:
Right, well... lets get hold of the plans for the Royal Archives. We've got to
get back to... er...
First
Duke: Paris.
Louis:
Paris by tonight so get a move on..
Joseph:
Aaaargh! Ow! Ooooohh!
(The
butler reappears.)
Butler:
I got as far as the sideboard, sir...
(Louis
and his dukes grab the plans and push past the butler and across to an open
window. There is a bit of a scuffle at the window as they are clambering out at
the same time as two men in black with a projeaor and screen are clambering
in.)
Joseph:
Stop them... oh! Ah... oooooohh!
Butler:
(to Jacques) No news on the canal I'm afraid, sir, but apparently in India they're
thinking of building a railway between the towns of Lahore...
Joseph:
Stop... ow! Stop them, O'Toole for... oh! shit! God's sake... stop them,
they've got the plans! (he rushes to the window)
(By
now the men in black have set up the screen. On the screen comes film of Louis
and his men racing through the gardens away from the Montgolfier' s home.)
Voice
Over: Will Louis XVI get away with the Montgolfiers' precious plans? Is sixteen
years of work to be stolen by this suspect sovereign? Is France really in the
grip of a Glaswegian monarch? Watch next week's episode of 'The Golden Age of
Ballooning'... Now!
(Cut
to animation titles as before. Music.)
CAPTION:
'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
CAPTION:
'EPISODE THREE: THE GREAT DAY FOR FRANCE'
(Cut
to a TV discussion in progress. An Urgent, impressive current affairs show
called 'Derision '. Two opulent-looking men and a presenter.)
SUPERIMPOSED
CAPTION: 'SIR CHARLES DIVIDENDS'
Sir
Dividends: ... But now that the Government has collapsed ... and shown itself
incapable of providing any son of unifying force, I feel we do need the
stability and the breathing space that a military presence would provide.
Presenter:
Lord Interest?
SUPERIMPOSED
CAPTION: 'LORD INTEREST'
Lord
Interest: Oh yes... I agree that the army should take over, but I think it
should not interfere with the programme of street executions, which I feel have
been the shot in the arm that the British economy so desperately needed.
(As
they drone on, the presenter turns away from them to talk softly into the
camera.)
Presenter:
The Montgolfier brothers' plans did indeed turn up... six months later, and a
long way from Paris, at the court of King George III of England.
George III
(Cut
to a throne room. George III is being read to by an adviser.)
CAPTION:
'THE COURT OF GEORGE III, 1781'
Reader:
... Titty was very worried. Where could Mary be? He looked everywhere. Under
the stones and behind the bushes... and Mr Squirrel helped him by looking up in
the trees, and Mr Badger helped him by looking under the ground...
(There
is a knock on the door. George III looks up quickly. The reader, with
obvoiously well practiced skill, shuts the book, slips it beneath another book
which he opens and carries on reading.)
Reader:
... and so, Your Majesty, we the Commons do herein crave and beseech that...
George
III: Enter!
(Lord
North enters and bows briefly.)
Lord
North: Your Majesty... Louis XVIII is here!
George
III: Who is Louis XVIII?
Lord
North: The King of France, Your Majesty! This is a great moment to have, sir.
George
III: There is no Louis XVIII.
(We
hear a Scottish voice outside the door. Lord North ducks his head out for a
moment, then reappears.)
Lord
North: He craves Your Majesty's pardon. He has had a long journey here and
miscounted... He is Louis XVII.
George
III: Louis XVI is dead already?
(A
trace of worry crosses North's face. He goes outside the door again for a
moment. Sounds of a slight argument between himself and the Glaswegians.
Suddenly there is a yell of pain and Lord North reels in holding the bridge of
his nose.)
Lord
North: Aaaaaaaaaaaaghh! Oh my God! Oh... ah... oh Christ!
(Louis
strides in with the two dukes. They all wear tam o 'shanters.)
Louis:
(to the reader) Your Majesty, I am Louis XVI... Oh Christ... (to George III)
Your Majesty... I am Louis XVI as you so rightly say, and I don't want to muck
about. I have a wee proposition which could make the name of George IV the most
respected in Europe...
George
III: George III
Louis:
George III Sorry. Where can we talk?
Lord
North: OH God! ... did you see that?... Oh!... aaaargh! Oh dear! (he is in
great pain still and clutching his nose)
George
III: We shall have a state banquet at St James' Palace!
Louis:
No no, look, I can't hang about. It's take it or leave... we got to get back
to... er...
First
Duke: Paris.
Louis:
Paris, by tonight...
George
III: Must you leave us, Louis?
Louis:
I'd rather just sell the plans and nip off, Georgie boy.
George
III: All right... we will buy the plans... if you will undertake to disengage
your troops in America.
Louis:
Do what?
George
III: And, I shall give you £10,000 for the plans...
Louis:
Ten thousand pounds! Right, well, we'll disengage the, urn, you know... like
you said - we'll disengage 'em... tell you what, then, I'll put a duke on to
it... OK? Right!
Lord
North: (still clutching his nose) That's the worst thing you can do to anybody.
Louis:
You asked for it, sonny.
Lord
North: You could have broken my bloody nose!
George
III: North! Please!
Lord
North: You saw it! It was right on the bone.
George
III: North! Will you send for the Duke of Portland ... we have a financial
matter to discuss.
Lord
North: Well, it really hurt.
Louis:
No, look, I think it's better if you give the money to us. We're going back.
We've got a bag.
George
III: No, no... don't worry, Louis. We shall talk to your Monsieur Necker.
Louis:
Ah! Well, actually, we'd rather you didn't... we've been having a wee bit of
trouble with him... you know what I mean?
George
III: Monsieur Necker? The man who introduced so many valuable reforms and who
proved so popular despite his opposition to Mirabeau's policy of issuing
'assignats'?
SUPERIMPOSED
CAPTION: 'THIS SPEECH HAS BEEN VERIFIED BY ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA'
Louis:
Er... aye, yeah... the trouble is he's been drinking a bit recently ... you'
know, fourteen lagers with his breakfast... that sort of thing.
George
III: Well... very well, Louis...
(The
door flies open and there is Joseph Montgolfier, still clad only in towel and
silly bath hat.)
Joseph:
Just a moment!
Louis:
Oh, Christ!
George
III: What are you doing?
Joseph:
I am Joseph Montgolfier, the inventor of the fire balloon. The man before you
is an impostor!
George
III: Ooh! I am not ... honestly!
Joseph:
No, not you, Your Majesty (he points at Louis) This man -- this Louis, the
so-called King of France man. Which number did you give this time - Louis the
23rd?
Louis:
I got it right!
Joseph:
I bet you took a few guesses.
Louis:
Listen, you spotty sassenach pillock..
Dr
Hamer: (not a doctor but a period butler) Your Majesty! The Ronettes are here.
Bartlett:
And Mr Bartlett.
(Three
black ladies wearing modern showbiz costumes come in and sing 'George III'
song. Two men come in and set up a screen as before.)
The
Ronettes: (singing) George III ... etc .... etc ....
George
III: Oh dear, I'm not supposed to go mad till 1800!
(Louis,
arguing violently with the butler, butts him. Music comes up and the sound
fades on this strange scene. George IlI falls to the floor and waggles his legs
around in the air. Zoom in as the men in black take cover off the caption.)
CAPTION:
'MEANWHILE, IN FRANCE...'
(Cut
to drawing more in the Montgolfiers' house. Jacques is at a table working on
some drawings. Behind him Antoinette paces the room nervously. She is still
wearing her harness, but it is no longer attached to the gas balloon. In a
corner of the room a plumber is still mending the elaborate plumbing.)
Antoinette:
Joseph has been gone for six months now ... we have heard nothing!
Jacques:
He can look after himself.
Antoinette:
But he had only on a towel, you know.
(Jacques
takes off his false ears and walks over to Antoinette.)
Jacques:
Antoinette... from now on there is only one Montgolfier brother.
Antoinette:
But Louis XIV has the plans... you must wait until Joseph returns.
Jacques:
(casually loosening her harness) The plans are here, cherie. (he indicates the
desk where he has been working) Let me put my tongue in your mouth.
Antoinette:
What do you mean?
Jacques:
We're supposed to be French, aren't we?
Antoinette:
No, I mean what are the plans which Joseph after is chasing?
Jacques:
Please, let me put it in a little way.
Antoinette:
Oh, Jacques, ze plans!
Jacques:
I take it out if you don't like it.
(He
chases her a bit with his tongue out. Antoinette is about to react rather
violently one way or the other, when her dramatic moment is cut short by the
entrance of O'Toole the butler.)
Butler:
Are you sure the claret was on the left of the sideboard, sir?
Jacques:
Yes, O'Toole, it's always been there.
Butler:
Well I'll look for one more month, sir. (he turns and goes out; Jacques eyes
Antoinette lasciviously and is about to try and make contact in the French way
when the butler returns) By the way sir, Mr Bartlett has gone, sir. He said he
couldn't wait any longer.
Jacques:
Thank you, O'Toole...
Butler:
Not at all, sir... I've enjoyed being in it...
Jacques:
(impatiently) Right!
Butler:
Thank you, sir... mam'selle.
(He
exits. Tremendous applause. He reappears, takes a bow and leaves again. Jacques
and Antoinette look nonplussed. He reappears. Terrific applause. He gestures
for them to quiet down. Eventually them is silence.)
Butler:
By the way, sir, Mr Bartlett has gone, sir. (tremendous applause) He said he
couldn't wait any longer, sir.
(Incredible
volume of laughter here brings the house down. The rest of the scene is
pandemonium with laughter developing into prolonged applause.)
Jacques:
Thank you, O'Toole.
Butler:
Not at all, sir ... I've enjoyed being in it.
Jacques:
Right!
Butler:
Thank you, sir ... mam'selle.
Audience:
More! More! More! etc .... etc .... etc ....
(Crescendo
of applause. Over shouts of more! More! Superimposed Python credits. The butler
is showered with flowers. Fans come on and congratulate him. A BBC security man
restrains them. Other members of the cast appear and shake hands, and stand in
a row behind, applauding. A dear old middle-aged lady comes in and stands
beside him, weeping proudly.)
1st
Voice Over: George III was arranged and composed by Neil Innes. He is available
from the BBC price £4 or eight months imprisonment.
(The
credits end. Cut to BBC world symbol.)
2nd
Voice Over: That was episode three of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'. May I
remind you that there's still time to get your 'Golden Age of Ballooning'
suppositories direct from the BBC, price £4.50, or £19 for a set of six. Well,
in a moment the BBC will be closing down for the night, but first, here is a
Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Norwegian Party.
Zeppelin
CAPTION:
'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING' CAPTION: 'EPISODE SIX: FERDINAND VON ZEPPELIN -
PIONEER OF THE AIRSHIP'
(Cut
to photo of family, group.)
1st
Voice Over: Ferdinand von Zeppelin was born in Constance in 1838, the brother
of Barry Zeppelin, the least talented of the fourteen Zeppelin brothers.
(Black
and white film of Barry blowing up balloons of increasing size. They all sink
to the ground. The last one blows back and inflates him; he rises into the air.
Cut to stock film of a zeppelin.)
1st
Voice Over: Meanwhile for Ferdinand von Zeppelin, the year 1908 was a year of
triumph.
(Cut
to interior of a zeppelin. A party. Expensively dressed guests. Champagne. A
palm court orchestra playing. Some guests looking out of the windows in
wonderment.)
Von
Bulow: (approaching Zeppelin) Herr Zeppelin - it's wonderful! It's put
ballooning right back on the map.
(Zeppelin
goes instantly berserk with anger.)
Zeppelin:
It's not a balloon! D'you hear?... It's not a balloon ... It's an airship ...
an airship ... d'you hear?
(He
hits him very hard on the top of the head with the underside of his fist.)
Von
Bulow: Well, it's very nice anyway.
Tirpitz:
(to Zeppelin) Tell me, what is the principle of these balloons?
Zeppelin:
It's not a balloon! You stupid little thick-headed Saxon git! It's not a
balloon! Balloons is for kiddy-winkies. If you want to play with balloons, get
outside.
(Drags
Tirpitz over to the door, opens it and flings him out into the clouds.)
Tirpitz:
Aaaaaaaaaghhh!
(Cut
to an old German couple in a cottage. The man is reading from a big book, the
lady is knitting. The man is in underpants. There are a pair of lederhosen
drying in front of the fire.)
Helmut:
(reading) Yorkshire ... pudding. A type of thick pancake, eaten with large ...
(Roof
splitting noise. A thump and the house shakes. They both look up. Cut back to
the airship. The party is still going on.)
Hollweg:
I hear you are to name the balloon after Bismarck?
Zeppelin:
(flying into hysterical rage) Bismarck? Of course I'm not calling it after
Bismarck. It's a zeppelin. It's nothing to do with bloody Bismarck!
Hollweg:
Surely he gave you some money for it?
Zeppelin:
Get outside!
(He
opens the door and flings Hollweg out. Cut back to the old couple in the
cottage.)
Helmut:
Za... bag... lione... a sort of cream mouse... mousse of Italian origin...
(Roof
splintering noise. A thump and the house shakes. Cut back to the airship. A
little cluster of people round the door. The party is still going on but there
is a little tension in the atmosphere.)
Von
Bulow: Ferdinand... that was a Minister of State you just threw out of the
balloon.
Zeppelin:
It's not a balloon! It's an airship!
Von
Bulow: All right, I'm sorry.
Zeppelin:
All right - go and have a look! (he throws the protesting Von Bulow out) And
you!
(Animation
of several men being thrown from airship.)
Helmut:
Zu... cchin... ni ... Italian... ma... flows... (splintering crash, thump, the
home shakes) Zingara... A garnish of finely chopped ... or shredded lean ham
... (splintering crash, thump, the house shakes) ... tongue ... (another
splintering crash, thump, the house shakes) ... mushrooms and truffles. (same
again) ... Zakuski. A Russian ... hors d'oeuvre ... (a very load splintering
crash, thump and the house shudders; Mrs Halrout stops knitting and crosses the
room to the door and into the next room, where the sounds are coming flora)
With tiny pieces of sliced...
Mrs
Helmut: (looking in the other room) Oh, look! It's the Chancellor!
(Helmut's
hand immediately goes to his tie. He half makes to rise.)
Helmut:
What? Prince Von Bulow? Here?
Mrs
Helmut: Ja!
Helmut:
Coming here?
Mrs
Helmut: No - he is here.
Helmut:
(jumping to his feet) Oh, I must go and put my old uniform on.
Mrs
Helmut: He won't notice, Helmut. He's dead.
Helmut:
Dead? Here?
Mrs
Helmut: Ja. In our sitting room.
Helmut:
This is our sitting room, dear.
Mrs
Helmut: well, you know what I mean.
Helmut:
(waving his finger at her) The drawing room!
Mrs
Helmut: Yes ... but it's a kind of sitting room.
Helmut:
(doubtfully) Well...
Mrs
Helmut: Look!
(She
opens the door wider to reveal heap of about ten bodies in the other room.
There is dust rising from them and a big hole in the ceiling. Helmut goes to
the door.)
Helmut:
Which one is Von Bulow?
(They
walk round the pile. Mrs Helmut looks at a few bodies and then points.)
Mrs
Helmut: Here ... look!
Helmut:
Oh, ja ... and Admiral Tirpitz!
(They
are both momentarily overawed.)
Mrs
Helmut: Ja.
Helmut:
And Von Muller... and Herr Reichner... and Hollweg and Von Graunberg...
Mrs
Helmut: That isn't Graunberg - that's Graunberg... das ist Moltke...
(She
lifts the body's head up by the hair as it's facing down.)
Helmut:
He's a lot older than I thought.
Mrs
Helmut: He's a clever man, ja.
Helmut:
... and Zimmermann ... and Kimpte...
Mrs
Helmut: What shall we do, Helmut?
Helmut:
We must ring the Government.
Mrs
Helmut: This is the Government, Helmut.
Helmut:
Oh dear.
Mrs
Helmut: It is a great honour to have so many members of the Government dead in
our sitting room.
Helmut:
Drawing room.
Mrs
Helmut: Ja, well...
Helmut:
There are no members of the Government dead in our sitting room.
Mrs
Helmut: Ja, you know what I mean.
Helmut:
Perhaps I should make a little speech or something?
Mrs
Helmut: Not a speech, Helmut no...
Helmut:
Shall we make them a cup of tea?
Mrs
Helmut: It would be a waste of tea.
Helmut:
But we must do something - so many important people in our drawing room - we
must do something.
(They
think for a little while.)
Mrs
Helmut: We could sort them out.
Helmut:
And make a little list.
Mrs
Helmut: Ja, ja. We could put the ministers for internal affairs over against
the wall, and those for foreign here by the clock.
Helmut:
And we can sort them out alphabetically?
Mrs
Helmut: Nein, nein - just put the cleanest by the door.
Helmut:
Ja.
(They
start to hump the corpses around. Helmut starts to hump Von Bulow towards the
clock.)
Mrs
Helmut: No, no! That's Von Bulow! He must go over here.
Helmut:
That is my reading chair.
Mrs
Helmut: He is the Reich Chancellor of Germany, Helmut.
(Helmut
starts to take him towards the reading chair.)
Helmut:
All right ... but I think he would have been better up against the clock, you
know.
Mrs
Helmut: No, he would not look nice under the clock.
Helmut:
I did not say under the clock. I said against the clock.
Mrs
Helmut: Well then we could not see the clock!
Helmut:
We could put the Minister for Colonies under the clock. He's small.
Mrs
Helmut: No. Colonies are internal affairs. He must go against the wall. (Helmut
lifts up the head of another corpse) Education!
(Helmut
starts to drag him over to the wall.)
Helmut:
Soon we shall be able to make a list.
Mrs
Helmut: Ja, is, wait a minute! ... Who's that by the cat litter?
Helmut:
I don't know. I've never seen him before.
Mrs
Helmut: He is not a member of the Government. Get him out of here. Put him in
the drawing room.
Helmut:
He's in the drawing room, my dear.
Mrs
Helmut: Ja, well you know what I mean.
Helmut:
Put him in the sitting room.
Mrs
Helmut: Ja, in, the sittng room, it's all the same.
Helmut:
You can put him in the sitting room if he's in the drawing room.
(Cut
to stock film of the zeppelin.)
1st
Voice Over: Count Ferdinand Von Zeppelin's behaviour on that flight in 1900 had
incredible, far-reaching consequences, for one of the falling Ministers (cut to
an old Edwardian photo of a German minister) the talented Herr Von Maintlitz,
architect of the new Geman expansionist farm policy, fell on top of an old lady
(old Edwardian photo of an elderly lady) in Nimwegen, killing her outright. Her
daughter, Alice (old Edwardian photo of attractive young girl in the nude)
suffered severe cerebral damage from the talented minister's (picture of
Maintlitz again) heavy briefcase (Edwardian photo of a brief case) but was
nursed back to life (another Edwardinn erotic postcard) by an English doctor,
Henderson. (a Muybridge photo of a nude man) Eventually, they married
(Edwardian nude couple) and their eldest son, George Henderson ... (1930s nude
man) was the father of Mike Henderson... (health and efficiency nudist camp
group photo; a figure at the back is arrowed) producer and director of 'The
Golden Age of Ballooning'.
(ANIMATION:
balloons as before.)
SUPERIMPOSED
CAPTION: 'GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'
(Pointed
surgical instruments fly on in formation and puncture the balloons.)
SUPERIMPOSED
CAPTION: THE GOLDEN YEARS OF COLONIC IRRIGATION'
(Cut
to black.)
2nd
Voice Over: Mr and Mrs Rita Trondheim; Reginald Bo-sankway, who would be next to
Norway in a rhyming dictionary, if it included proper names, and if he
pronounced his name like that.
(Cut
to a Victorian couple in the countryside.)
SUPERIMPOSED
CAPTION: 'THE MILL ON THE FLOSS'
SUPERIMPOSED
CAPTION: 'PART I: BALLOONING'
(The
couple rises slowly in the air. Fade out.)