More Than Words
Episode 208 Gapfiller
by Severina

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Brian kept his face carefully neutral as Justin slipped from beneath the covers and padded to the bathroom.  He didn’t react.  Couldn’t.  Even when the stall door snapped shut. Even when the relentless, staccato beat of the water dancing in the shower pounded through his skull, threatening to drive him mad.  He let his hand glide against the sheets, still warm from the intimate touch of Justin’s body.   The sleek material drifted through his fingers, soft and tempting.  Like Justin. 

He’d known as soon as his mouth met Justin’s.  The taste of Justin’s lips was almost an aphrodisiac.  The warm, sweet scent… the intoxicating silkiness… He couldn’t get enough.  He could never get enough.  So he knew.  And he had to let Justin know he knew. 

You kissed him.

Justin had blanched.  He had looked away.  He had mumbled something about taking a shower and fled the bed.  Their bed.  But his body had given him away.  The way his eyes went blank and dark.  The way his lithe form had tensed under Brian’s fluid touch. 

You kissed him. 

It hadn’t been a question.  Brian knew the truth.  But… he expected little enough from this new relationship.  Should he give up the one thing he did expect? 

Brian rose from the bed, pulling off his clothes as he crossed to the bathroom.  The pounding rhythm was louder now, more insistent, as he stood outside the sliding shower door.  Justin had turned toward the spray, the water hammering against his upturned face.  His arms were braced against the back wall, the blistering flow pummeling him mercilessly.  Steam blanketed the air, Justin’s pale body almost cloaked in its veil. 

Brian ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath and getting his jumbled thoughts in order.  So the kid had fucked up.  Justin was young.  Their whole arrangement was young.  He could be okay with this.  He would be okay with this.  Because damned if he was going to punish Justin more than the kid was already punishing himself. 

Stepping quietly into the shower, Brian reached around Justin’s body to the taps.  His fingers made the necessary adjustment, calming the feverish water.  Grabbing the soap, he closed the distance between them.  Justin didn’t move.  Didn’t speak.  Brian pressed his lips together uncertainly before raising a hand to tentatively brush Justin’s shoulder.  The younger man’s body stiffened, the muscles in his shoulders jumping under the questing touch.  Brian’s stomach clenched. When was the last time Justin had been this cautious, this unsure, when faced with the touch of his lover?  Their first time?  After the bashing?  Suddenly he wanted to lash out.  At Justin, for letting this happen.  At Justin’s stupid rules.  At some nameless naïve college kid who dared to push between what he had with Justin.  What they have together. 

Just a mistake, Brian reminded himself.  He wasn’t hurt.  Couldn’t be hurt.  Not by this.  Not by a simple fuck that meant nothing.  Nothing to Justin.  Nothing to him.  He just had to show Justin that everything was all right. 

Brian sighed gently, the warm exhalation a gentle breeze against Justin’s skin.   He leaned forward to graze Justin’s neck with his lips before running the soap lazily along Justin’s shoulders.  The searing water blazed a meandering trail down Justin’s back, a trail he longed to follow with his mouth.  Too soon, Brian told himself.  Justin’s body was still stiff and unyielding under his soothing strokes.  Let the kid realize that he’s not angry.  Not upset. 

Not hurt.  No.  Never hurt. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Brian froze as a wave of unexpected bitterness swamped him.  Sorry, he thought.  He’s sorry.  Well, sorry’s bullshit.  Justin knows that.  Sorry doesn’t make everything all better, no matter how much Mommy and Daddy said so.  Sorry doesn’t make the pain go away.  Sorry doesn’t turn back the clock. Sorry does fuck all. 

You kissed him. 

He realized he was clutching Justin’s shoulder tightly.    The water pounded around them, against them, a deafening rush of sound.  Brian shook his head, watching the splatter of the thick droplets as they flew from his hair and crashed against the frosted glass.  He focused on one bead of water as it sketched a path to the shower floor.  One tiny insignificant droplet.  One tiny insignificant splash. 

One tiny insignificant kiss. 

Brian took a deep breath, forced himself to relax.  “I know,” he finally said. 

Justin suddenly spun in Brian’s arms.  As though the sound of Brian’s voice had released the dam, the words locked in his throat began spilling out. 

“I’m so sorry.  I never meant for it to happen… it just did… He was young and…and innocent… and I just was remembering how it was.  How it was with us… it wasn’t fair…” Justin shook his head, trying desperately to put what he was feeling into words.  “It wasn’t fair to him!  I mean, what I had with you… and I wanted to give him some of that… I wanted…  Oh, shit.”  Justin finally turned his face to Brian’s, meeting the older man’s gaze searchingly.  “I’m so sorry, Brian.  I swear it will never happen again.” 

“Justin…” Brian paused, unsure.  Sorry, sorry, sorry.  At least Justin wasn’t lying to him.  There was that.  At least Justin admitted his mistake.  His failure.  “Justin,” he tried again.  “It’s all right.” 

Justin turned away, and Brian stifled a sigh of relief.  It was over.  Justin had made his big profession of regret.  Now they could get on with their lives.  Now there would be no hurt.  Brian ran the soap over his chest, luxuriating in the fresh scent and the force of the water against his body, already mentally planning the rest of his day. 

“It’s not all right.”  Justin’s faltering voice was so soft it was almost lost in the sound of the pulsating spray. 

Brian bit back on a string of curses, listing them mentally instead.  He let his head fall back. 

You kissed him.

Brian closed his eyes.  You kissed him, Justin, he thought.  You kissed him.  You.  Why the fuck do I have to make it better? 

Brian rested his hands on Justin’s hips, turning Justin towards him.  He raised a hand to Justin’s chin, forcing the younger man to meet his gaze.  Brian took in a breath at the misery laid bare in Justin’s face.  He suddenly wanted to wash it away.  Make it better.    A fresh start.  They’d already had their share.  Why not one more? 

“Justin, I forgive you,” he said softly. 

As soon as the words left his lips, Brian knew that they were true.  Up until that moment, they were just words.  Just the mindless, meaningless tripe that people say when they’re fighting.  Easy to say, because they were empty. Words that meant nothing, because they changed nothing.  Just like I’m sorry. 

But it was true.  Saying it aloud made it real. 

What else, he wondered, would become real if it was said out loud? 

Brian shook his head.  He was a man of action.  He had no more words. 

Brian let his hands drift across the wet flesh of Justin’s stomach, feeling the need pulse through the younger man’s body and the answering call within his own.  He dipped his head, tongue extended to catch the water drops as they coursed down Justin’s chest.  He heard Justin gasp, his head thrown back as Brian blazed a liquid trail across his skin.  Brian closed his eyes, each of Justin’s moans of satisfaction giving him matching pleasure as he nipped and sucked his way down his lover’s body.   He gently guided Justin to the shower wall, circling Justin’s waist with his arm, pulling him closer as his tongue gently licked along the head of Justin’s throbbing erection.  The simple action caused a shiver to ricochet through Justin’s slim frame.   Brian lifted his eyes to Justin’s as he took the younger man’s erection in his mouth.  Justin’s face was pressed to the side of the glass, arms outspread as he writhed under Brian’s attentions.  Brian let his mouth work, savouring every shudder and quiver of Justin’s body.   He ran his hands along Justin’s chest, delighting in the stuttering heartbeat pulsing just beneath his fingertips.  Justin called his name… a moan… then a cry… And at the moment of release, a garbled confusion of sound… brianbrianbrianbrianohgodbrian… 

Brian laid a kiss on Justin’s stomach before pulling himself to his feet.  The boy’s face was flushed as he moved to nuzzle against Brian’s chest, then began sliding his own body down Brian’s powerful form. 

Brian reached out quickly to stop the descent.  “Uh uh.  You’ll be late for work.” 

Justin smiled uncertainly.  “I don’t care.” 

“Well, I do.  I’m not going to have Deb bawling me out because of you.” Brian pushed back on Justin’s shoulder, urging him toward the shower door.  “Go get dressed.  I’ll drive you to the diner.” 

Only when the shower door clicked shut behind Justin did Brian allow his head to fall forward.  His burgeoning arousal throbbed incessantly.  The water pounded against his skull, dulling his senses.  He adjusted the temperature, letting the scorching water scald his skin.  His finger reached out to scratch at the glass, where moments before Justin’s body had been pressed.  He closed his eyes. 

Fuck it. 

Brian left the shower, striding naked and dripping into the bedroom.  Justin was already dressed, kneeling on the bed.  As Brian watched, Justin hastily crammed articles into his backpack.  Sketchpad.  Pencils.  Book.  Socks.  Brian’s lips curved in a smile at the last item. 

“Justin.”  Brian waited until Justin had looked up.  “Come here.” 

“Brian?” 

Brian lifted his chin.  “Now.” 

Dropping his backpack, Justin got to his feet and closed the space between them.  Brian felt his stomach tense at the tentative steps, the hopeful yet distant look in Justin’s eyes.  So expressive, those eyes.  So easy to get lost in them.  So much uncertainty still there.  Make it better, he thought.  No more rejection.  No more hurt. 

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes, letting his lover see him.  Truly see him.  No pretense, no mask.  Only acceptance.  Only affection. 

Only love. 

He pressed gently on Justin’s shoulders, showing the younger man wordlessly what he wanted.  And when Justin’s lips engulfed his flesh, he arched his back with pleasure.  When Justin’s tongue soared along his shaft, he fisted his hand in Justin’s hair and urged him on.  And when Justin’s mouth brought him to shuddering, trembling release, he threw back his head and held nothing back, roaring his satisfaction to the heavens. 

Justin drove himself to his feet, pushing his body against Brian’s regardless of the water that still beaded on Brian’s trim form.  Brian’s hand found Justin’s neck and pulled him forward.  Their lips brushed, a cautious merger of eager flesh.     Brian wrapped his arm around Justin’s waist, their bodies becoming one sinuous form as the kiss deepened. 

Brian didn’t try to hide the spasm of relief that shook his body.  Justin was his.  The kiss was reclaimed.  Their kiss was reclaimed.  Brian drowned in the sensation of Justin’s lips on his, unwilling and unable to let go.  Their kiss.  All others before it didn’t matter.  All others after it would only belong to them.

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Feedback is always welcome
Severina

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