The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories.
Sam Donaldson

If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
Newt Gingrich

What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing.
Kenneth Starr

The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury.
Monica Lewinsky

Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster?
Marv Albert

The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
OJ Simpson

If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done.
Vernon Jordan

Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked.
George Stephanopoulos

The FBI reports less crime in the U.S. for the sixth straight year. "It's no wonder," said one observer. "All of Clinton's business associates are either dead or in prison already." One thing's for sure about Clinton... He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!

"After all the fuss was over, Monica Lewinsky met a nice man and got married. On the first night of the honeymoon, the newlyweds consummated their union. Afterward, her husband turned to her with a smile and said, "Well, Monica, was that the best experience of your life?" She thought a moment, then turned and with a wistful look answered, "Close, but no cigar."

Clinton has decided to move to North Carolina, but he can't decide between Blowing Rock (in the mountains) or Morehead City (by the sea)!!

In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late night meetings with the President... "I can't remember the details, she said, but I know the answer is on the tip of my tongue!"

Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.
Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.

Today's headline read: "Clinton Probe Expands".
It turned out to be a direct quote attributed to Monica Lewinsky.

The Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands for inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

Monica Lewinsky and her Brentwood neighbor OJ Simpson have similarities. They were both scoring champions in college, neither can explain the stains on their clothes and both have sore knees.

A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al Gore was. Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does and doesn't move.

To his credit, Clinton is now defending Lewinsky, saying she was no different from any other White House intern. "She takes my pants off one leg at a time, just like everyone else." While he was campaining for office, Clinton told young people they should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait for.Him.

Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He *is* creating high paying jobs for young people.

You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only have to take a bullet for the president.

Hillary just hired a new White House intern..... Lorena Bobbitt

Bill Clinton is designing his new presidential library.
I understand that it will have an "Adults Only" sign at the entrance.

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