This story was written in about a two hour time span as I was sitting one day bored out of my mind (hmmm... maybe that was the problem?) and my brother said "Write me a story then." He was expecting a ten minute quick little thing. He should have known better.
| Once upon a time, on a dark and stormy night, in a galaxy far, far away, on a yet undiscovered island, in a yet undiscovered sea, near an undiscovered land mass, on an undiscovered satellite of an undiscovered planet, in an undiscovered solar system, around a star yet to be discovered, in, as was previously mentioned, but this time with a twist, an undiscovered galaxy far, far away, the was an extremely wordy story hidden under a large stone slab, which had many wordy sentences, about the wordy book, carved into its surface. This book just happened to be the wordiest, but also most intellectual, story ever written in the history of all things that were created (and, in some cases, undiscovered). The intelligent being which intelligently dictated this intelligent novel to an intelligent writer who wrote it down (intelligently, of course) on an intelligently handcrafted piece of the most intelligent paper in the universe, which is expanding at a phenomenal rate which only the most intelligent of beings can comprehend, came from an extremely intelligent race of intelligent creatures who were born and grew up in an undiscovered country on an undiscovered continent in an undiscovered ocean on an undiscovered planet, which just happened to be called Earth, but was pronounced as Eerth, in an undiscovered solar system consisting of nine planets, a sun (undiscovered), and many asteroids, which was in a discovered galaxy, called the Wilky May (not to be confused with the Milky Way, which is also the name of a candy bar which really doesn't taste that good |
| unless you like squishy, tannish goop surrounded by chocolate, which is the galaxy that the Earth (pronounced Erth) and its accompanying solar system, which also contains nine planets, a sun, and many asteroids, all of which, as far as Earthlings (Erthlings) know, have been discovered, is in) which was in the expanding universe, but at the same time was also in a negative universe, commonly called the Negaverse, which was the subject of several controversial newspaper articles in outlawed newspapers made by outlawed mosquito farmers who were banished to a planet of outlaws, some from the new Old West, in the outlaw solar system of Spamsinonia, where the outlawed makers of the most popular food in the galaxy, which was Spam and which gave the solar system its name, but could have been Twinkies if the Negaversians had not come through a black hole and stolen the secret ingredient that made Twinkies last so long, so all the Twinkies then turned to mush, lived, and as far as anyone knew, the universe was continuing to expand. This being, being the intelligent creature that he was, knew that one day, possibly at night, and even possibly one dark and stormy night, the universe would stop expanding and pop like a balloon, so he came up with an intelligent, but very wordy, story meant to tech people about what was going to happen eventually, if not sometime soon or very near in the past, to the universe and its inhabitants, and placed it under |
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a stone slab and carved an inscription on
the slab that very wordily described how simple
the book could be to read if read properly and
about what was in the book. Because he
wrote the book in a language he invented
because, though he was extremely intelligent,
he was also very lazy, he was too lazy
to remember his own language, and because
he also inscribed the stone using the same
language, he was forced to also write on
the stone a translational key to translate
his words into every language in the universe
(and negaverse) so that anyone who wanted
to, though they would have a heck of a time
translating the words one by one while trying
to read the book, would be able to grasp
the basic concept of the book. While making
this key, however, he mistakenly translated
one of the sentences that he had already written
on the slab into a phrase comparable
to "If you touch this book, your eyes
will burst, your stomach will rise and boil,
and a strange substance, possibly your
brain, will come oozing out of your nose."
This is a particularly nasty way to die,
so all who found it dared not touch it. Stony Rivers was born on a pile of stones in a river in the United States on the planet Earth (to make it easier, this Earth, the one pronounced Erth, will be called Mars, though this may also be confusing, since Mars already exists and the Martians have not given express written consent |
| for the use of the name of their planet to represent any other planet, living or dead, except the one in the Wilky May Galaxy which is also called Mars, but pronounced more like Mares, that is not their own). This isn't a very nice place to be born, unless you are a fish or a squid or turtle or some other similar life form, but this is where his father decided to give birth to him. You might ask why his father was the one to give birth instead of his mother, but you won't get an answer. They were clean stones, mind you, but very cold and uncomfortable. John Rivers waded through knee-deep water, climbed up on the stones, tipped his head sideways, and delivered the baby with no mess at all through his ear canal. Then, he died. Just before his death, and just before his brain came out of his head as a new child, he thought, very painfully, "Wow! I'm the first man ever to be a mother! What an idea! What a concept! I'll call my brainchild an eartube baby! What an..." And then he died. Stony, having developed from an already knowledgeable and intelligent brain, knew all that there was to know that his father had known before he died. He therefore knew that in order for people to know who he was later in life, and, in history books, that he would have to have a name. He knew that his father's last name was Rivers, and he knew that he was born on |
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a pile of stones for a reason, but what
that reason was he did not know, so he
named himself Stony Rivers, because the
stones were in a river, and not because
his father's last name had been Rivers. In
fact, he later learned that his father's
last name had been Rivers only so part
of a story yet to be written would makes
sense to it's readers. Bad luck and freak accidents would make Stony's life an interesting one. For example, if a milk truck driving over a bridge that spanned the river he was born in had not crashed into a truck, driven by a short-haired Mexican Chihuahua and a fat, blue-nosed, tailless cat, who both sold rubber nipples, and had not spontaneously combusted, boiling all of the germs out of the freshly squeezed cow's milk, and cause the Pasteurized milk bottles to fuse to the nipples, Stony would not have had his first bottle, or his other ten thousand, nine hundred and seventy-three bottles of milk, which kept him alive on the stones for five years until the rising river washed him away, a popular cartoon series would not have ended so abruptly, and ten thousand, nine hundred and seventy four messages would never have had bottles to float into the ocean in, which would have prevented Matthew Staley's boat from popping on broken glass (the boat was inflatable and one of the bottles broke) and the future leader of a unified |
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world would not have drowned and sunken
to the bottom of the ocean becoming
fossil fuel for the Neo-Sapiens, descendants
of the people who were alive before they
died. These messages all came from a
Chinese restaurant where a batch or two
of fortune cookies had been ruined by
small, fuzzy animals that had a bad habit
of setting the temperature on the baking
oven to fourteen thousand an two degrees
higher than what it was supposed to be
and cooking the fortune cookies for two
hours each while typing the fortunes out
on an old typewriter that had not had a
new ribbon in it for seventy five years.
Mr. Staley picked up the bottle, emptied
the tiny piece of paper out, and read it.
While reading it, he plopped the bottle
back into the water. The message said
"Miss Suzy had a steamboat, the steamboat
had a bell, Miss Suzy went to Heaven, the
steamboat went to..." At this point, he stopped
reading, because this didn't seem to be
a very appropriate message to put in a
bottle. Because this had been one of Stony's bottles, his bad luck floated with it down the river. Mr. Staley wanted to see what else the message said, so he began to skim through it, line after line. Just as he got to a part about a refrigerator and a piece of glass, a fourteen-cubic-foot Whirlpool refrigerator/freezer flew out of |
| a kitchen, straight up into the air, and stuck to a large electromagnet that Stan had attached to the bottom of his used jumbo jet that the airport had sold to him for several thousands of dollars. As Stan was flying over the boat, the left wing ripped off, killing all power to the plane (and about two hundred people who were on a Club Med vacation on an ocean liner off the coast of Mississippi) which shut off the magnet. The refrigerator plummeted into the sea, hit the bottle, and sent it flying into the air. The bottle flew through the sun roof in the jet, broke on Stan's head, and caused him to knock his coffee cup through the front window of the cabin of the jet. A piece of glass from the window fell right on Mr. Staley's boat and punctured it. The resulting stream of air gushing out of the hole pushed the boat to the exact spot where Stan's jet was about to hit the water. The jet, however, landed on Mr. Staley and his boat and pushed them to the bottom of the ocean. Obviously, this was not one of Mr. Staley's better days. The refrigerator plug was forces into a socket in the mud on the bottom of the ocean that was attached to a trans-Atlantic electrical cable. The refrigerator has been running steadily ever since, and the electric company wants to know who's going to pay the electric bill. As for Stan, he had to buy a new coffee cup and the federal government made him clean up the coffee he had spilled into the ocean. |
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From this point on, a choose-your-own
-adventure format will be used. Your fiirst
decision is as follows: Do you: A. continue reading B. read the ending For A, continue reading For B, flip to the last page Someone will eventually choose A, so the story of Stony must go on. When he was five years old, a massive ice melt in all of the nation's meat freezers caused the water level in the river to stay the same. Little Ricki Peterson was playing in his back yard, making mud pies, mud cakes, mud ice cream (he wanted to be a world class chef someday) and muddy clothes (a T-shirt, some overalls, and his socks and shoes). His mother became very angry with him because his shoes were brand new and cost forty-five dollars and sixty-seven cents, plus tax (which at the time just happened to be forty-five and sixty-seven one hundredths percent, which made the actual price closer to sixty-six dollars and fifty-three cents, though it was actually fifty-two and seven one thousands of a cent, but because of inflation, the tenth, hundredth, and thousandth cent pieces would not be invented for several million years, so retailers were forced to round to the nearest cent higher than the fraction of a cent to get the final price) and she had just used up her last drop of Shoo-Shampoo, the brand name soap for muddy shoes, which was developed by an |
| insane (not really insane, just mildly: he thought a large purple donkey wanted to eat all of the dandelion bushes in his greenhouse) plant geneticist, who spent his entire life developing methods for growing weeds in tree or bush form, but had only been successful with dandelions and stinkweed, and who needed a way to earn money, so he worked with a new cleaning substance that came from the sap of his stink tree and eventually developed Shoo-Shampoo, named Marvin. She pulled him into the house and sat him in a chair. She didn't know the hose was running, and so she left it on, without knowing it. The hose ran and ran, until the water level in the river rose and eventually washed Stony into the ocean, where Mr. Staley had met his demise. While the river water level was rising, the ocean water level was actually falling, due to an approaching ice age that the most prominent scientists never expected because they were expecting global warming from the greenhouse effect, which, though they didn't know it, never really existed because the atmosphere had been thinning, allowing the escape of more heat than the sun could provide, but it wasn't escaping tremendously fast, only about 0.0001% faster than the sun was producing the heat per year. This decrease in sea level revealed the top of the refrigerator, which was resting on a sandbar five and a half feet below the surface of the water, and it was |
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on this refrigerator that Stony landed and
built his house, which was six-hundred percent
larger on the inside than a very big watermelon
is on the outside. The refrigerator had an
automatic ice maker which provided him
with fresh water and an ocean which gave him
food, and there he lived until he was twenty-
four years, six months, fourteen days, one hour,
fifty-five minutes, and thirty seconds old, at
which time the electric company sent a bill
collector to the refrigerator with a bill for
six million, twenty-four thousand, one hundred and
fifty-five dollars and thirty cents (due to
the tax increase on unpaid bills). Since Stony
had never lived anywhere besides his refrigerator
and his pile of stones, he had no money. The bill
collector gave him three days to pay up, or the
police would bring him to jail for tax evasion
(he had never paid taxes for his house) and for
failure to pay an outstanding bill. This
frightened him, because his father had been
audited by the IRS several times during his
life, and he knew how terrible a time a person
could have trying to come up with money
in such a short amount of time. Using his father's knowledge of electronics and propulsion, he made the refrigerator into a spaceship that converted anything into fuel, food, and water, and blasted off into outer space. being the unlucky person that he was, a freak meteor collision caused a massive explosion that sent him hurtling into a black hole. While going through the black hole |
| he was smeared with some yellow, foamy cake and some white filling cream. On the other side, there was a giant factory constructed specifically for the production of the largest Twinkies in the Negaverse, but not the universe, because the universe no longer had any Twinkies. Stony crashed his refrigerator through the wall of the factory and landed on the conveyor which brought the Mega Twinkies to the packaging machine. Stony and his fridge were wrapped up and continued on their way, but were rejected by the Test-the-Mega-Twinkie- for-Proper-Weight-Color-Size-and-Texture machine, which shot him into space where he encountered a white hole and was sucked through. If it hadn't been for the Mega-Twinkie wrapper, Stony would have burned into little, tiny cinders, but as things were, the only thing to get charred beyond recognition was the wrapper, thus saving him from certain death. This white hole, which became and ultra-violet hole in the normal Universe, and was capable of causing massive skin cancer if proper skin care wasn't taken, deposited him right smack in the middle of nowhere, which happened to be very close to an undiscovered planet in an undiscovered solar system in a galaxy that Stony had just discovered. He had no time to discover the solar system or the planet, because less than thirty seconds after his re-entry into the universe, the refrigerator splashed into a giant mud pie that a small boy had been making, but that had suddenly disappeared |
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from his yard and reappeared quintillions of
light years away. A little boy who had begged
and pleaded for a mud pie became very upset
when his miracle was destroyed by a common household
appliance, and he cried for his mother.
She came out of the house and saw Stony standing
on top of his refrigerator. She said to him:
"Where are you from? This place is called Earth." "Well, I'm from a planet called Ear... Mars." "How can you be? There's no life on Mars!" "Um, it's not actually Mars, it's really Earth, pronounced and Earth and not as Eerth, like your planet is, but I'm supposed to call it Mars to avoid confusion, but apparently it just makes it more confusing, because I have to explain it to you so you'll understand that I don't actually come from Mars but really from a plant with life on it called a name other than Mars, which is already a planet's name, which is Earth, pronounced as Erth and not as Eerth." "You're confusing me now! Get out of my yard, out of my son's mud pie, out of this country, and off this planet right now before I call the Intergalactic Police Squad!" With this final phrase, Stony discovered the planet and left it in his somewhat mangled refrigerator, which was becoming pretty cramped inside, making it rather uncomfortable to sit it. He wanted to get out as soon as possible, so he landed |
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on the planet's moon near a large stone
slab. He climbed out and proceed to set
up a picnic lunch using the slab as a table.
While eating, he spilled his apple juice and it
was then that he noticed the writing. He
recognized some words in English and read
them. The slab described how easily a book
underneath it could be to read if read properly
and about what was in the book. This
seemed interesting to Stony, and, figuring that
his name might have something to do with the
fact that the slab was made of stone, attempted
to move the slab from it its location. The intelligent
being who had intelligently placed the book
under the slab to preserve it was not as intelligent
as he had thought. He strength was very great,
and therefore he was able to move the slab,
but Stony, not having the hugest muscles in
the universe, could not move it. He wanted
badly to read the book, so he continued to
struggle to move the stone. While doing so,
the universe expanded as far as it could,
but, proving the intelligent being even less
intelligent, imploded rather than exploded. The entire universe and all matter in it compacted into a ball the size of a pea (not a particularly large or small one, just a medium sized one) and so the book was never uncovered, and so no one will ever know what to do when the universe expands to its limits, which I guess is OK, because the book was written for a universe that popped, when in fact it actually condensed into a tiny ball. Oh well. |
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THE END. Could have turned out different, but hey, what can you do? It's written, done, fine, there's no more, so I guess I'll go away now and eat some food, perhaps I'll go on a picnic. I know this really great stone slab that would make a perfect table... |