Humorous Quotes, 10/27/2006

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on a metaphysical exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"What inner force drove the first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers."

"All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"

"The problem... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer."

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

"The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use."

"You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact, many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily."

"Recently, I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself: "Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby." So I got a hobby. I make beer."
Dave Barry, A Boy and his Hobby

"Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians"
Dave Barry,From Football Deflated

"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."

"I like beer. On occasion I will even drink a beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that our refrigerator is still working."

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

"As an American, you are very fortunate to live in a country (America) where you have many legal rights. This doesn't mean you can do just anything. For example, you can't shout "FIRE!" in a crowded theater. Even if there is a fire, you can't shout it. A union worker has to shout it."

"American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors."

Ambrose Bierce, US author and satirist (1842-1914) in The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

"Women are like elephants to me-I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."

Advertising (n):the science of arresting the human intelligence for long enough to get money from it.

Jay Leno

"Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'."

Jay Leno, July 2006

"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy, who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks."

Jay Leno, July 2006

"A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq."

Jay Leno, August 2006

"President Bush's new position on torture is, 'We don't do it. We've never done it. And we're going to stop doing it.'."

Jay Leno, Sept. 2006

"The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished."

David Letterman

"Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television."

David Letterman

"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun."

David Letterman

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'."

David Letterman

"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who 
have to wait for them."

E.V. Lucas

"Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo."

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go into the library and read a good book."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do."

P.J. O'Rourke, (The Bachelor Home Companion)

"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living."

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."