(Curtsey of the International Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Centers website
and Others)
The good Lord
didn't create anything without a purpose,
but mosquitoes come close.
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle
of the road, and the back of the church.
The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And
in conclusion."
I don't know why some people change churches; what
difference does it make which one you stay home from?
The difference between an expert and a novice is that the
novice hesitates before doing anything stupid.
Only fools can be certain; it takes wisdom to be confused.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in
the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and
take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't
see us or recognize my pickup."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it
make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who
counts."
The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client.
A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."
By return mail the lawyer had his bill back.
To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."
:)
It is a tradition in the US for people to make statements through stickers
they stick on their car bumpers. Here are a few funny bumper stickers.
"Procrastinate now"
"My Karma ran over my Dogma!!"
"Never drive faster than your angel can fly!!"
"I'd rather be in Samadhi"
"Out of body. Will be back in 15 minutes!"
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its
students!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools"
"Vegetarians visualize whirled peas"
"Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."
"Don't just do something, sit there."
"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."
A rabbi is overcome with spiritual ecstasy and runs up to the altar, throwing
himself on his knees, crying, "I'm nobody Lord! I'm nobody!
Nobody!"
The cantor witnesses his state of humility and unity with the One and is so
deeply moved, he too runs to altar yelling, "Lord, I'm nobody! I'm
nobody, Lord!"
The janitor mopping the floor is dumbstruck, and also deeply moved. Filled with
piety and a fervent spirit, he drops his mop and also dashes to the altar,
proclaiming, "I'm nobody! Oh Lord, hear me, I'm nobody! Nobody!"
He prostrates himself beside the rabbi and cantor, repeating this mantrik cry,
as the rabbi takes notice, turns to the cantor, and with a gesture, says, "So,
look who's nobody."
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very nervous, so she
always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long
fights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he
gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I
will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
At the entrance to a temple there was a beggar always asking for alms
stretching one hand. One day he stretched both of his hands. A passerby asked
him: all these days, you were stretching one hand, why are you stretching two
hands today?
To which the beggar replied: Prabhu, the business was so good that I opened a
branch!
Part 1
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
Part 2
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor
pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?" The
proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
Have you heard of the cow who attained liberation (Moksha)?
Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted Novocain. The yogi said "No. I can transcend dental medication."
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."
When two psychic friends met, one said:
Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
We got that one off the alt. Yoga newsgroup
Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"
A priest and bus driver lived together and one day they also together died.
They go to St. Peter standing before heaven gate. He allows the bus driver to go
to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait.
He waits for long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why
could that bus driver go to the highest heaven and I, who all my life spoke
about God, have to wait for such a long time?"
St. Peter said: "When you were speaking to the people at your church
everybody was sleeping, but when that bus driver was driving everybody
prayed!"
Another story coming from Switzerland. This time the story is in French and it is actually impossible to translate it into English. It plays with the words and has a cultural reference (you have to be born there, sorry :-).
Dans un monastère, 2 "bonzes" sont les meilleurs amis du monde.
Chaque matin, ils se lèvent joyeusement et vont ensemble sonner le gong qui
réveillera tout le monastère.
Un beau matin, a leur grande surprise, le gong sonne faux! Immediatement la
discorde s'installe entre les deux amis ... On fait donc venir l'accordeur de
gong qui après quelques reglages, redonne au gong sa sonorité. Et c'est ainsi
que les 2 bonzes retrouvent l'harmonie et la paix.
Moralité: "Les bons gongs font les bonzes amis"
This story was sent to her by a Yogi from Switzerland who founded the Geneva Sivananda Yoga Center.
The Swiss, as we all know, tend to be placid people. Some go as far as
claiming that we are occasionally somewhat slow.
Three Swiss monks of the benediction order were meditating high in the Alps.
Suddenly, a beautiful milk cow walked by.
The first monk said : "HHHMMM, this is Fritz's cow, I tell you".
Half an hour later, the second monk said : " HHHMMM, really that was
Kurt's cow. I'm quite sure".
An other half hour later, the third Swiss monk stood up and said "I'm
going away, I can't stand you guys having an argument around me when I'm trying
to meditate"....
"I think it would be a good idea." - Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western civilization.
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on
the roof started flapping. The younger monk came out of his meditation and said:
"Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is
flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind
is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths
are flapping!"
An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru.
He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him: You can stay here but we
have one important rule - all students observe Mauna or vow of silence. You will
be allowed to speak in 12 years. After practicing for 12 long years Yoga
Asanas, Pranayama, Meditation,
a lot of Karma Yoga, etc., the day came when the student could say his one thing
or ask his one question.
He said: "The bed is too hard."
He kept going for another 12 years of hard Sadhana and austere discipline and
got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not
good."
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words
after 36 years of practice: "I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is
complaining."
If God is not the answer, what was the question?
For the majority of us the most horrible fear is the fear of speaking in
front of a public and the second most frightening fear is the fear of death.
Does that mean that if we had to do a speech at a funeral we would prefer to be
dead ?
How do you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
How do you make God laugh?
Say: "This is mine".
What makes God laugh?
When a doctor tells his patient: "I cured you"
If computer error messages
were haikus:
: )
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.