>>Prologue: This is an aria of death and destruction. This is the
>>time when all the Final Fantasy characters must fight a
>>massive force that they probably will not fulfill.

PandemoniaChick: Translation: I no learn get teacher for speak English make fanfic of you!

>>Chapter 1 Two People
>>There was two people on the corner of burnim drive arguing
>>over who gets the last slice of pizza.

PC: Sounds like a fruitful argument. "I are going to get the tasty cheese Mr. Pizza!" "No you is not! I are not going to let you eat Mr. Tasty Cheese Pizza! Your fingers are malevolently strong smelling!"

>>It would be obvious that these two were friends, but these
>>two people had gifts that they will soon find out.

Radia Shinra: Hideous sweaters which their aunts had knitted for them.

>>One of the two boys was named Levi Lloyd. He is tall, black
>>hair,

Radia: So he's a tall mass of black hair?
PC: I suppose the author comes from a place where they don't learn English and are just big afros walking around. I can imagine a big bunch of red hair sitting at the computer typing this up..

>>red eyes, tough, pretty psychotic, drinks a lot (even though he >>is under age), loves weapons and women. His element of magic
>>is fire and he knows some white magic.

PC: Oh, so he's a tough bitch. But he probably can't speak proper English, much like the author. "Hey baby! I are liking guns and catty vodka dirt! I are making bottles explode with magic of heat fire!"
Radia: He knows some white magic? That's good. I bet he falls down quite a lot.

>>His special abilities are that he can disappear and reappear
>>instantly.

PC: I wish he'd just disappear for good... With a name like Levi Lloyd, I'd disappear for good anyway..

>>He can also transform into a 6-foot white wolf with red eyes.

Radia: Truth is, he doesn't really transform. He eats just eats kibble and pretends. Levi likes pretending.
PC: Just like he closes his eyes and thinks he disappears. "I can't see you! I must be gone!"

>>Then the other boy is named Josef. Nobody knows his last
>>name.

PC: They probably plucked him up out of the Bible. But I dunno if Bible characters would fight over pizza in poor English. "Jesus, give that tasty piece of happy cheese crust bread to my mouth!"

>>His mother died a long time ago.

Radia: Suicide most likely, I'd like to die to, if my child was an illiterate bible character.

>>He doesn't talk much unless he knows the person really well.

PC: He probably doesn't talk for a reason. He doesn't know English. Proper English, at least.

>>He fights really well because that is the only thing he knows
>>how to do.

PC: Psh, no wonder. This kid couldn't talk his way out of a cardboard box. Y'think I should kick the bad English jokes? Seeing as how it's the only thing I'm depending on. O_o : And I'm overkilling it already.
Radia: ::Blows up forth wall::
PC: Take that, you bitch!! ::kicks at fourth wall::

>>Besides him fighting a lot with the people he doesn't like, he is
>>tall, hazel eyes,

PC: So we've got a Giant Afro walking around, and now we've got someone that's just a walking pair of eyeballs. Shit, what is this author SMOKING?
Radia: Magicrocks....
PC: It figures...That's what all the FF junkies are smoking these days. Mako's a thing of the past...What a pity, no?

>>loves getting into fights, loves all types of weapons, and
>>doesn't like talking all that much. His element of magic is the
>>element of darkness.

Radia: He puts a paperbag over his head and calls it magic. Josef likes pretending as well.

>>That is one of the most powerful element of magic that
>>anybody could have.

PC: Yes, he possesses strong magicks. "::puts paper bag over head:: Uwarr! I are casting Darkness Fingers of Touchy on you! Uwarr!!"

>>His special abilities are that he can vanish for long periods of >>times but the more he uses that ability, the more of the risk
>>that he stays vanished forever.

Radia: Ah, if only......
PC: If only, indeed...Maybe we could make a bet with him. He'd be stupid enough to fall for it! "Alright...If you stay vanished for a...a week, say...Then you can have a cookie and thirty bucks. Deal?"
Radia: We'll throw in some bible pizza as well.
PC: Ooh, Bible pizza. He'd go for that. "Jesus touched it! Alright, I do it!"

>>"I want that last slice of pizza," remarked a boy.

PC: ...who had just climbed through the window because he was passing by and it was open.
Radia: "Jesus would want me to have the pizza!"

>>"That's too bad. It is mine. You already have had ten slices of
>>pizza already," remarked the other boy.

PC: "So come on, back out the window you go! Let's leave these weird-ass people alone. You're a pig, anyway. Ten slices? All from different households? Pig, pig, pig."

>>A bird is seen coming at them from the sky,

PC: Well shit, man, where else would it come from? Oh, yeah, "A bird burrowed in from underground..."

>>but the boys didn't see it because of there arguing.

Radia: The bird then crapped on the pizza, only fueling their motivation to eat it.

>> "What the HELL!

PC: Yes, that's what I'm wondering...

>>The bird ate the last slice of pizza. That was going to be mine
>>or Levi's last slice of pizza, you DUMBASS BIRD!

PC: Actually, it's a very smart bird, because he just grabbed it and ate it... I mean, since when did birds like pizza? Unless it was a seagull or pigeon or crow or something..
Radia: And when exactly did this occur? Are they really so dense as to not notice a bird fly down and eat the pizza? .........Wait, I just answered my own question

>>Maybe we will have bird for dinner tonight?!" Josef said
>>quite angry.
>>"Maybe we will have bird, but bird doesn't sound good tonight >>for dinner. So the bird is lucky right now," replied Levi.
>>"Are you two done babbling? I have an important message to
>>give you two. So if you two are done talking, I will give you
>>guys the message," replied the bird while being quite
>>disturbed.

PC: Wow. Talking birds, guys fighting over pizza. When will this hilarity end? I'm on the edge of my seat! How exciting!!
Radia: The talking bird is disturbed? What the hell kind of universe is this anyways?
PC: It's a universe without English, and where birds frequently suffer from mental instability. Or it's just a dream the author had when he passed out from taking too much opium..
Radia: Or Bible pizza deficency.....
PC: Indeed..
Radia: I should kill the bible pizza jokes, shouldn't I?
PC: If you killed the Bible Pizza jokes, I'd have to kill the bad English ones...So naw.

>>Chapter 2 The Message
>>"Now, are you guys ready for the message or not?" remarked
>>the bird.
>>"Give us the message," they both replied at the same time.

Radia: At the same time? They truly are on the same idiot frequency.
PC: Okay, let me get this straight. Not only do they show more surprise when the bird ate the pizza than when it TALKED, but they synchronize their responses? Oy...

>>"Now then. The message is that you two are needed at the
>>town of Kloehn. Here is some money (150 dollars).

PC: Shit. I wish birds flew out of the sky, landed next to me, and gave me money without me actually having to expend any sort of effort...

>>Make sure you use it well because you are not going to get any >>more money from us.

PC: "(Levi) Use it well...Woohoo! Free money for booze! Free money for booze! (Josef) And JESUS PIZZA!" Oops, Bible Pizza. Sorry. O_o

>>If you need any money, you are going to have to make it
>>yourself,"

Radia: I think the bird is hinting at prostitution. Horny talking bird, isn't he?
PC: Very.

>>remarked the bird in a wide smile.

Radia: So the bird has pockets AND teeth?
PC: I guess so. But then again, it can talk and eat pizza, so maybe it really isn't even a bird... Maybe it's a flying squirrel, or a politician.
Radia: Or one of their pretend creatures. They do love pretending afterall.
PC: Yeah. Maybe this entire story is taking place in Josef's imagination, after he puts a paper bag over his head. I wish someone would put a plastic bag over his head. And tape it there.
Radia: Unforunately, I left the tape in my other pants. Maybe the bird has some, in his pockets
PC: Damn it...Well, maybe stapling it to his neck'll work...Do you have a stapler?
Radia: No....
PC: Hmm...I'll have to find mine when we're done with the MST.

>>As the bird was flying away, Levi was still mad about the bird >>eating his piece of pizza.

PC: He just got MONEY from the bird. Why doesn't he just buy his OWN damn pizza?

>>So he threw a dagger at the bird and it hit the bird in the
>>wing. The bird went into a rage and summoned firaga, and
>>directed it at Levi.

Radia: For once Levi's stupidity is benefitting us.

>>It hit Levi and it sent him flying back 100 yards.

PC: I think we should tell the bird that he's going to have to hit him harder than that if he's going to stay under the par 5...

>>Then Levi went into a rage and was chanting one thousand
>>blades. It made contact and it killed the bird.

Radia: With the amount of time it would that to chant about 1000 differerent blades, you think the bird would have flown away, or at least distracted him with a knock knock joke.

>>"Lets have some bird before we head off to Kloehn," remarked >>Levi while laughing really loud.

PC: Isn't it hard to laugh and talk at the same time? Let ALONE laugh 'really loud'...

>>"Ok," said Josef. So they ate some bird

PC: Dude, they ate it raw? They didn't even cook it or anything?

Radia: If that's not Bible bird, Josef is in some deep shit.
PC: Very deep shit. "Josef, thou hast not eaten only Bible foods. Thou shalt be cast into the pits of hell!
(Josef) NO!! Then I can't put paper bags over my head and disappear!"
Radia: Well, lions eat raw food, and lions are definently smarter then these two
PC: That's true. But then again, lion's digestive systems can handle raw meats...
PC: I hope they get food poisoning. Then the bird can laugh its ass off from beyond the grave.

>>and were about to start their journey to Kloehn.
>>Chapter 3 The Stranger
>>"Before we head off to Kloehn, we need to stock up on
>>supplies," said Levi.

PC: "(Levi) Before we head to Kloehn...::looks at sign that says 'Welcome to Kloehn':: D'OH!!"

>> "DAMN! I was hoping that we wouldn't have to. I forgot that
>>there are fiends on the road now a days because of the enemy
>>that showed up a few years ago,"

Radia: So nice that they finally informed us of the backstory. I think this was written by George Lucas on crack....
PC: Even George Lucas on crack could pull something better out of his ass than this.

>>Josef had said while being pissed off about spending money on >>their survival.

PC: "(Josef) Hey, I'm hungry.
(Levi) Buy some food.
(Josef) Spend money? You commie...
Radia: (Josef) Why spend money when we can climb into windows, and spend their money instead?
PC: (Levi) Because we're not smart enough to open latches...

>>"Lets get some healing items and items that cure status
>>elements.

Radia: Doesn't one of these dumbasses know white magic?
PC: It's all in his mind, remember?
Radia: Ah, right.

>>That way we are prepared for the worst. And will need to get >>new weapons every once in awhile, because they will break
>>after awhile,"

PC: Yeah, after HITTING IT AGAINST A BIG ROCK for about three days straight...
Radia: Purchasing sticks off of talking birds again, eh Josef?

>>said Josef still being pissed off but starting to cool down.

PC: In reality, I think Josef ran into a wall when he said that. "(imagination) Let's go to Koehn or whatever it's called! (reality) ::THWIZACK::"

>>"But before we do that, lets eat some bird," Levi had said.

PC: They already ate some bird...So now not only are they losing their minds (with the talking birds) and their memories (by not remembering that they already ate the bird), but they've lost all usage of apostrophes...
Radia: I guess the saying you are what you eat is true... They regurgitated the bird, and ate it again.
PC: Sounds like something they'd do.

>>While they were eating the bird, they had a spy watching all
>>of their moves.

PC: (Levi) Alright, Mr. Spy. You stand here and watch us be pretty. ^.^

>>"I swear we are being watched by someone," Josef said.

PC: Translation: "I think someone's video taping us. Let's move this somewhere more...private, Levi."

>>"Your letting your imagination run wild on you again,"
>>remarked Levi laughing.

Radia: Yeah, their imaginations pretty much run the show....
PC: Yup.
>>"Let me see one of you r throwing knives.

Radia: "....you r throwing knives." I thought Levi was a mass of hair.....
PC: I thought he was, too...What the hell's wrong with this author?

>>I want to see if I am right," said Josef. As Levi handed Josef
>>a throwing knife, something hit the tree with a note on it.

PC: In fact, the note read, "Hey, guys, I'm gonna get a lot of money for this tape on the black market. BTW, the bird told me that if you hadn't killed him, you'd get to have an orgy. Buh bye now. ^.^"

>>But before the spy got away, Josef threw the knife and it hit
>>the spy cause the spy yelled out in pain.

Radia: As opposed to singing out praises?

PC: I'm confused now. Either Josef is a NINJA THAT JUST FREAKED OUT AND KILLED A GUY BECAUSE HE YELLED!! from Real Ultimate Power...or the knife is a Smart Knife that senses by sound, and if the spy hadn't yelled, it wouldn't have found him...

>>Chapter 4 The Note
>>"Levi! You grab the note off the tree while I go hunting for
>>that person. And don't give me any BS either.
>>Somebody is going to try to kill us on this journey of ours,"
>>Josef yelled.

Radia: Hey pal, you're the one who chucked a knife at the yaoi camera man! And just what the hell is their journey? To get more bible pizza?
PC: Something like that. At first it seemed that Levi's the ringleader, but now that Josef's in charge... Josef's going to totally flip out and punch Levi in the face if he doesn't get any more Bible Pizza!!

>>"Open the note. Lets read what it has to say," Josef said. The >>note said:

Radia: So now there's a talking note too? Damn, this story's fucked up!

>>If you are reading this, then you might be heading off to
>>Kloehn. But if you do, you will meet your death there.
>>And who better to kill you other than me.

PC: Me!! I've got explosives. ^.^

>>Your Friend, >>????

PC: "(imagination) Someone's trying to kill us...But I want to be his friend! And he wants to be my friend too! (^_^). (reality) ::THWIZACK::"
Radia: How polite, the killer is warning them beforehand of the incoming doom.
PC: Damn those considerate villains.

>>"Ok. This dude is going to get his ASS kicked when I see him.

PC: I think these two have ass fetishes. Josef just stressed 'ASS' and Levi called the bird a 'DUMBASS'... Of course, they just got taped by a yaoi cameraman, so I think the ass fetish ties in with the storyline.

>>Trust me and I will make it really painful,"

Radia: As opposed to a non painful ass kicking?
PC: As opposed to a non-painful ass kicking if Levi DOESN'T trust him. It's kind of like Peter Pan.
"I trust you, Josef! I trust you!!"
"Alright!! ::gives the guy a really painful ass kicking::"

>>remarked Josef while laughing at his statement.
>>"I'll help you too.

Radia: Yeah, nothing like getting your ass kicked by hair named after pants.

>>I think he tried to hit me with that note, even though I was
>>behind the tree.

PC: Wow. Throw the note at him? That could cause some serious injury! Everyone knows paper is a DANGEROUS tool when in the hands of a Yaoi cameraman!!

>>But from now on, if you say that you feel like somebody is
>>watching us, I will believe you.
>>Well, lets go buy those items. That way I can have fun when I
>>reach Kloehn," Levi replied.

PC: Whoa...So Levi's into kinky sex toys?
Radia: It goes with the whole yaoi deal.... And have fun? Did they not just recieve a note, warning them that they're going to get killed? Apparently he has an ass, AND death fetish. PC: They're going to have a happy orgy with the bad guy, and the bird, and the note, and Bible Pizza, and the tree that the note hit, and the yaoi cameraman, and the videotape the yaoi cameraman took...

>>"Agree," Josef remarked.

PC: "(Levi) But it's my proposition!!
(Josef) I don't care!! Agree or I'll shove Bible Pizza up your ass!!
(Levi) ::sigh:: I agree..."

>>Chapter 5 The Journey To Kloehns
>>"Why does this have to be such a long walk (as he killed the
>>100th fiend today). Lets take a break and eat something
>>please" said the whining Levi.

Radia: Some bible pizza, or regurgitated bird....
PC: "(Josef) There's some Bible Pizza in my pockets.
(Levi) But it's in your pants.
(Josef) So? Not the first time you've been in my pants.
(Levi) Can I get something else when I'm in there?
(Josef) Sure. (^_^)"