The sex Contract

I, ____________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and ner-pregnancies; in exchange for one(1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication.
I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract, for a time of no less than thirty(30) days and nights.
After said activities have been fullfilled, I surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in public, from myself and friends. And I will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger.
I will say "Hi" if we pass within ten(10) meters, in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also, upon completion of herefore listed activities, not leave undergarments, jewelry or other insignificant, yet, oh-so valuable, knick-knacks laying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signers abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the non-contact agreement of this contract.
I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name other than his or her own.
Nor will I reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne/perfume, deoderant, underware or robe, etc.
I will also pay one-half(1/2) of all laundry fees as needed after formentioned activity.