As requested, for the oderfirous amongst us!

Title: The Magowan Vapor Caper
Author: Turtlewoman
Rating: NC-17, J/C, N (relax, Neelix is just a plot device)
Date: 03/26/00-09/23/00

Neelix grabbed Chakotay by the shoulder and pushed himself and the comatose Commander to the end of the conduit where the equally unconscious Captain lay. Checking the vital signs of each, Neelix felt that the inadvertent gassing they had each received would do them no permanent harm. They would probably wake up feeling pleasantly foggy and disoriented, as he had. It seemed safe to leave his officers and go for help. Not for the first time Neelix thought how odd it was that the equipment on this ship inevitably malfunctioned at the worst possible times. B'Elanna said something about the designer, Mister Murphy, following some law that increased the probability of this happening. It sounded like an odd law, but that seemed to be a Federation standard. Look at that silly non-fraternization law that had such a profoundly warped effect on the Captain....and the Commander to come to think of it.

Thinking of the Captain and Commander lying there together, yet not together, saddened Neelix. He wondered what they would look like just once, intertwined as the lovers that they really should have become. He sat there a moment wondering if the gas affected his thinking process more than he thought. He could not really be contemplating what he was contemplating....yes, he could be. He wanted so much to see them both relaxed and enjoying each other as the fates had meant them to. Neelix was morale officer after all. It was his duty to promote happiness and contentment on board Voyager. He would do it. Gently, ever so gently, he wove their two bodies together. He put Chakotay's arm under her head, the Captain's head on his shoulder, his leg threaded through hers, her leg thrown over his hip, one of her hands against his chest, the other draped over his back, his remaining arm thrown over her body, his chin resting on her hair. Much better, Neelix thought as he left the conduit, jamming the hatch shut as he left, deciding that just perhaps they had all the help they needed.

Neelix chuckled softly remembering the sweet sight of entwined couple lying blissfully behind the hatch. "I wonder who will awaken first," he thought as he set off down the corridor. "Oh my. If it's the Captain, she might just slip away. Perhaps I ought to secure the hatch on the other end of the conduit as well." With this decided, he set off to do the deed, scratching at his chest as he went.

By the time the hatch was locked, Neelix was feeling decidedly uncomfortable. His arms itched, his chest itched, and his fanny itched. Every part of him itched; that is, every part of him covered by clothing itched. This was truly an odd feeling, as if minute creatures were crawling under his skin. His stomach turned at the thought. "What if his remaining nanoprobes were crawling to the surface?" He always hated having those things in him. Obviously his worry over this attack of the nanoprobes had triggered his sweat glands. He was beginning to sense an odor as well and it was getting as strong as the itching. He was sure that someday those nanoprobes would cause trouble. Sickbay was closer than his quarters. He decided he'd better check in with the Doctor.

"Will you please hold still!"

"I'm trying Doctor, but its getting worse. It’s the nanoprobes, isn't it? I knew they would cause trouble some day!" said Neelix as he absentmindedly picked up a tool off a tray.

"It is not nanoprobes and put that back!" The Doctor walked to the opposite side of the room, unlocking the cabinet and began rummaging around. "It appears to be Magowan Vapors, though how you got contaminated with them is beyond me. They are only pumped through Conduit 5 off the hologrids to begin with."

Neelix held the tool more closely to him. "Uh…..Vapors? Are these vapors dangerous?"

The Doctor continued his search. "Not to you they are not, just uncomfortable. All you need to do is remove your clothing and the itch will cease. The vapors become embedded in the cloth and don't dissipate as they do in the air. Even the odor disappears quickly in the air. Now if you were a woman, that would be another story."

Neelix thought of his poor dear Captain ripening in the locked conduit. He tightened his grip on the tool. "Uh…and if I were a woman,...it would be dangerous?"

"Not dangerous, no. But the pain would be excruciating. The vapors lodge in the vaginal tissue and cause intense burning."

Neelix further tightened his grip on the tool, inadvertently hitting the trigger and injecting himself. He looked down at his hand in horror and then gently listed sideways onto the biobed.

"Yes, indeed. Humans react more strongly to the vapors than most other species. Initially there is a feeling of euphoria and sexual stimulation, then the itching. For the males that is the extent of it. The women, however, must be treated immediately. Any thick proteinaceous liquid, like the albumin of an egg will do, but it must be immediate or she could experience tissue damage in addition to the unbearable pain. The Doctor finally grabbed a small vial. "Ah here it is. Neelix use this on your clothing," he said turning around to the supine Talaxian. "Neelix!" The Doctor ran over to him and straightened him onto the biobed. As he did, the hypospray fell out of Neelix hand. The Doctor's anxiety lessened instantly and his usual supercilious demeanor was restored. "I told you to put that back. You have just injected yourself with a voluntary muscle inhibitor. Without the antidote, you will lie there immobilized for hours. Neelix, normally I would immediately administer the antidote, but this is not the first time you have fiddled with my tray during an examination. I intend to leave you here to meditate upon the dangers of playing with things you have no knowledge of." With that announcement, the Doctor stripped the offending and oderferous garments from Neelix, slipped a hospital gown over him and settled him more securely on the biobed then walked away.

Neelix could do nothing but think and what he thought was, "Oh shit!"

She moved against him, burying her nose against his neck, nuzzling and purring into his ear. He stirred, pulling her closer to him, breathing in the scent of her, stroking her back and cupping her fanny against him. Slowly, with little murmurs of contentment, they awakened. They kissed. His eyes flew open, then hers. In shock, they held onto each other, until finally they broke their kiss. Gently they extricated themselves from each other.

"Kathryn, I'm sorry. I don't know how….."

"I know. Its okay. I don't know either."

"I would never….you know."

She gave him with a long, sad smile, "I know."

In embarrassment Chakotay crawled forward and attempted to open the hatch. He turned back to her, pulling uncomfortably at his uniform collar as he did. "It's locked." He tapped his com badge "Chakotay to engineering."

There was no answer. He scratched at his chest. She idly scratched at her leg as she watched him and squirmed a bit.

"Damn! Communications are still down, Captain. I'll try the hatch back into the holodeck. He scratched at his arm, chest and legs as he crawled past her.

"It's jammed as well," he said, trying to discreetly scratch at his posterior.

"Well, that's that then," she said and began to methodically take off her boots and stockings. "Magowan Vapors. Years of resistance done in by Magowan Vapors." She removed her jacket and started removing her pants.

With his back turned toward her, he continued to struggle with the hatch. "I could use a little help here!" The itching was getting unbearable, not to mention a growing stench. He could barely stop scratching to work on the hatch.

She continued to remove her clothes.

Feeling as if he was immersed in an ant colony, he crawled back to her. His discomfort was so acute her state of undress didn't register to him until he was right beside her. "Kathryn! What are you doing?!"

"It's called stripping, Chakotay. Undo my bra, will you please. You were never posted in engineering, were you?"

Automatically he followed her orders, then pulled his fingers back as if burned. He resumed his itching as he answered her. "No, I wasn't. Why?" He was scratching furiously. "Something's wrong. I'm itching like crazy! Aren't you?"

"Not exactly itching, Chakotay." She pulled off her underwear and sat trembling, legs pulled against her breasts. "I suggest you strip as fast as you can as I explain some of the finer aspects of being gassed with Magowan Vapors."

He looked at her dumbly. "You want me to strip?"

"It would be prudent. The vapors lodge in the fibers of clothes. That is what is causing the smell and making you itch. Take off your clothes, all of them, and the itching will cease."

"Yes, Ma'am!" He stripped, turning his back to her. "That is a relief. What does this have to do with engineering."

"A rather malicious rite of passage in engineering was to lock two crewmen, usually a man and a woman, in a tube and gas them with Magowan Vapors. This kind of thing passes for wit among the immature." She held herself tighter, trying not to cry out.

"Neelix! Damn! And when they had each stripped, I suppose their clothes were beamed out?" He turned to look at her as she slumped to the floor. "Kathryn! What's wrong?!"

She told him.

"So unless we can get hold of egg whites you will continue to feel this pain."

"Or something like egg whites."

"Oh."

She tried desperately not to writhe or whimper in pain. He watched her efforts as he tried to sort out his feelings. Once upon a time he used to fantasize about how he would touch her. But for the last few years he had schooled himself not to react to her at as a woman at all. Now, once they had finally established a workable distance between them, she was his to take but not enjoy. Anger, resentment, concern, the need to soothe and protect her, all these warred within him. The emotion that won out, however, was mortification.

"So then. It's finally come to this. For medicinal purposes only. But Kathryn, you are going to have to help me. I have tried so hard not to respond to you that I find I'm not quite 'up' to the task."

"Chakotay. I'm so sorry."

He lifted her into his arms and the two of them just clung together a moment. Slowly Kathryn reached down and began stroking his quiescent member and murmuring in his ear. She didn't insult him with false endearments or debase him with lascivious images, but instead caressed old memories. It was the most honest choice she had, also the most hurtful. With tears in both their eyes, they joined. As quickly as possible they copulated. He accomplished release and she gained relief. He began to pull out of her.

"No! Please, no. Please, just hold me a little longer."

He gently withdrew. "I can't Kathryn. It was not that kind of coupling and I can't pretend that it was."

And so they sat in the conduit, apart once more, the physical pained eased, but each vulnerable to a greater pain.

PART TWO

The Doctor pressed the hypospray against Neelix's neck. "There! Have you learned your lesson?"

"It's been hours! Doctor! I've done something horrible to our dear Captain! You have to beam her to sickbay immediately!"

"I can't do that Neelix. Transporters are still off-line. What have you done?"

As Neelix poured forth his story, the horrified Doctor grabbed a vial and a hospital gown and ran from sickbay. Neelix grabbed a second gown and followed him.

They found the pair sitting quietly, their backs to each other.

The Doctor crawled into the conduit. "Commander, Neelix didn't tell me you were here also. Then you?..."

"Yes."

"Here Captain." The Doctor held out the garment to his silent Captain. "I'm sorry Commander. I only brought one gown."

Neelix chirped up behind them, "I brought another. Here Commander. Doctor, shouldn't you be treating the Captain immediately. I must say Captain, you are withstanding the pain nobly. If that had been me…"

Chakotay ripped the garment from Neelix's hand. "You had better be gone when I get this on."

"Commander, I meant no harm. I just….."

The Captain spoke. "Get him out of my sight. Now!"

The Doctor turned to the hovering Talaxian. "Neelix go."

"But…"

"Now, Neelix! Your presence is agitating my patients."

Confused and concerned, Neelix nevertheless retreated up the corridor.

Chakotay and Kathryn exchanged one more look, then he pushed past the Doctor and disappeared down the corridor himself.

The Doctor called after him, "Wait! Commander. I haven't checked you as yet."

"Let him go, Doctor."

"You aren't thinking of disappearing on me, are you? He may have escaped unscathed, but you may have suffered tissue damage."

"I'm fine, Doctor. I just want to get back to my quarters."

"I understand. But I still must examine you. I can do that in your quarters if you would prefer."

"Yes, I would."

Kathryn gazed listlessly at the stars out her viewport as the Doctor finished his examination.

"Thankfully, there has been no damage Captain. You were very lucky to have the Commander with you. All that is left is to take your medicine, have a shower and wash the whole experience away."

"Yes. I will. Goodbye then Doctor."

She walked into the bathroom and adjusted the shower to water mode. "Oh, I got lucky all right…for medicinal purposes only," she muttered. In frustration she threw the pill away from her, turned off the waiting shower, dropped off the hospital gown and went back to her bedroom to slip naked beneath her sheets. She slid her hand down her body to caress the slickness between her legs, then raised her semen-smeared hand to her heart. She lay there, hand against heart until finally, she slept. As if a guardian watching over her, Chakotay stood in unknowing vigil throughout the night, pressed against their adjoining bulkheads.

"Doctor, you have to talk to them. You are the only other one that knows what they've been through. They won't talk to me. I've tried. Commander Chakotay keeps telling me he's going to …. How did he put it? Something picturesquely human… "kick the fucking crap out of me" if I don't stay out of his sight. I think that's what he said, although if I understand what crap is, the descriptive adjective doesn't make much sense. The Captain will not talk to me at all. Every time I approach her she beams me to an airlock. If she ever miscalculates the locational parameters of one of those things, my atoms are going to be swimming with the stars!"

"Neelix. Why don't you just try staying out of their sight? If you can't do it for self-preservation, then at least respect their need to put this behind them."

"That's just it, Doctor. They are not putting this behind them. Oh dear. I don't know what I could have been thinking of! I mean, I've always thought how lonely it must be for both of them, but I'd never interfere…I just don't understand why I locked the hatches."

"You should try putting this behind you as well. Magowan Vapors effects include lowering impulse control. You were under the influence of a mind-altering drug, Neelix. You were not in what passes for your right mind. Move on and leave them alone. This isn't any of your business."

"Its just that I feel responsible and they are obviously unhappy. Why, gossip all over the ship is trying to figure out why they are so polite with each other, so careful, so formal .. so…so…uncomfortable. They used to be such a closely knit team that the Commander could complete an order almost before the Captain gave it and she could almost complete his sentences when he gave reports. Now….well, now its as if they are both trying to dance but they are hearing different tunes and all they do is bump into each other and work in cross directions. Everyone is very confused and unsure of how to interact with them. They seem so unsure and hesitant with each other. Crew morale is being affected. That is my business."

"Neelix, consider this a medical order. Leave them alone. Do not try to approach them, except in the line of duty. Do not, under any conditions, share your concerns with anyone else but me. Do not engage in gossip with the rest of the crew. If anyone asks your opinion, just tell them that whatever it is, the Captain and Commander will work it out privately, just as they always have. Their relationship could conservatively be described as extremely complex. We can't help them Neelix. No matter how it pains us to see them this way, they will have to figure it out for themselves."

PART THREE

This was driving her crazy. She couldn't concentrate on her work, she'd actually forgotten to go to a meeting she had called. She couldn't remember from one minute to the next what is was that she was supposed to be doing. This had to stop. For once she acknowledged to herself that she had better just talk it out with someone. It couldn't be him. They were so uncomfortable with each other that it was an agony just to get through their shifts. The Doctor was out. His bedside manner had improved, but she found his smug solicitedness almost more irritating than his sarcasm. Neelix kept trying to apologize, and she knew his thinking had been more muddled than usual, but if he came near her one more time she was going to beam him to the wrong side of an airlock. Tuvok would be discreet, but clinical and besides, she would be too embarrassed to tell him. The only person she was really close enough to confide in was her dear holographic Michael. Maybe a night with her photonic lover would help put the images of Chakotay out of her head.

Chakotay sat sulking in his quarters. He really shouldn't be so angry with her. She was as much a victim as he was. It was just that his carefully constructed business-like friendship with her collapsed like the house of cards that it was. All the longing, the desire and, worst of all, the profound love he had sublimated, was bursting for release again. It took all his concentration just to sit next to her and not murmur sweet affections into her ear. She had beautiful ears. He could just imagine running his tongue lightly around each curve and whirl. He pulled himself out of that thought and onto the floor for another round of calisthenics. If nothing else this agony was tightening his over-forty gut. As soon as he had worked up a good sweat the door chime sounded. He ignored it. It rang again. He ignored it. It opened on its own. She stood there.

"What do you want? I thought you had a date with a hologram."

"I did. It didn't work out." She walked in, sat on the sofa and smiled at him as he sat on the floor sweating.

"How can a date with a hologram not work out?"

She gave him an embarrassed grin. "I'd gone to Michael to discuss us."

"There is no 'us'. You've carved that parameter in stone."

"I thought I had. It seems I was mistaken."

"So you went to another man to check our parameters. Cute. Go on with your story."

"Michael is a construct of the 19^th century. He was not particularly understanding of my need to have sex with you and certainly not receptive to the pain it has caused us afterwards. He accused me of being…. well, a lot of things I never even knew they had names for. I was so dumbfounded at his reaction that I didn't even notice Sandrine peeking around the bedroom door at first."

"Sandrine? What was she doing there? She is from an entirely different program."

"So I thought. I haven't quite figured out how the programs merged, but they certainly have…in the biblical sense."

"Wait a minute. I'm getting confused. You went to Michael to have sex because our situation bothered you?"

"Not sex exactly…I just wanted to talk."

"……..Right….you just wanted to talk. Then he went ballistic when you told him that you and I were forced in a situation where we had to have sex but he and Sandrine were having an intimate moment when you showed up? So then you came right over here? You are here on the rebound because your hololover jilted you for a photonic barwench. Kathryn, you give twisted a bad name. Go home."

"I didn't come right over. I went to my quarters and thought. Other than an intellectual curiosity at how the programs were merged, I found I didn't really care what Michael did. He was a way to control my loneliness and still keep functioning. I have a certain fondness for him because of that. The more I thought of it, the funnier it got actually."

He had been trying not to smirk as he listened but let a small chuckle escape now.

"I mean, think of it, Chakotay……Kathryn Janeway, intrepid Captain of the Starship Voyager, ranking representative in the entire Delta Quadrant for the United Federation of Planets, she who faced down the Borg and not a bad looking broad, if I may say so myself, thrown over for a photonic floozy well beyond her prime."

Chakotay had collapsed in gales of laughter. She slipped down beside him on the floor, laughing herself. Slowly the hysterical edge to their laughter faded down to companionable chuckles. She took his hand in hers and gave it a small squeeze.

"I've missed this Chakotay, being able to laugh with you. I've missed our friendship. I've missed you. This whole episode has driven a wedge between us. It's affecting everything. I can't work, I can't sleep….I can't think! You don't appear to be in much better shape. We need to fix this."

"I've missed this too. It has been rough. So…you were right all along…. sex between us would compromise our command relationship." He leaned back against the sofa, pouting.

She gazed fondly at him thinking how delicious it would be to just lean over and suck on that lower lip of his. "I never said sex would compromise us but I still believe a relationship would. I can do this job or I can devote my energies to a relationship. Both are full commitments and I can't do both. Responsibility dictates my choice. But it isn't the sex that is bothering us."

"Oh really. Well then, just what is?"

"What did you feel when we had to copulate?"

"Concern. Anger. Resentment. Disappointment. Embarrassment and itchy. Very itchy."

"For the concern I thank you, but why did you feel the other emotions."

"Can't you figure it out Kathryn? I used to dream about what it would be to make love with you for the first time. I used to imagine what you would taste like, what the texture of your skin would be, what it would be like to wake up in the mornings with you in my arms. All of that's been destroyed. I resent that. Never touching you would have been better than having to be.. well..little more than a medical procedure."

Kathryn turned to face him, "Chakotay, even though I was in pain, I was aware enough to know that there isn't a part of you I'd label little."

All of him sat a bit straighter as he tried to hide a self-satisfied smirk.

"Chakotay, I felt the same things. We were cheated and I, for one and am not willing to just give in to fate on this. We need to take back control."

"I can't wait for this one. Do tell."

"All we need to do is have sex again. Only this time, we call the shots, not necessity."

"Just like that."

"Yup, just like that."

"Kathryn that's more clinical than the original situation. How do you figure sex would fix this? What happened to your parameters? How many times do you figure it will take until we've repaired the damage to our relationship? Do you stay up nights thinking up cockamamie solutions to impossible situations?"

" Once, to fix things between us, only once. So many questions! I just suggested that we make love Chakotay. Its kind of a yes or no thing. You act as if I'd just told you I was joining the Borg.

"I wouldn't put it past you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

It means that I think you are capable of just about anything."

"Then you must think I'm capable of making love to you."

"Capable, yes. Willing , I'm not so sure. Kathryn, if what you are after is a night of fantastic sex then you've come to the wrong man. I am more than capable of that but I am not willing. I can't be that way with you. If you really mean to make love as in actually allow yourself to love me one night, then yes, I'm interested. Understand, I won't play without that commitment from you, even if it's just for a night. Don't trifle with me. It's all of you or nothing. And I lead, not you. Are you capable of that for one night?"

She sat there and pondered what he had said. Slowly her eyes met his and her body relaxed into a more seductive pose. "You lead?"

"I lead."

She purred, "Are you sure you are really up to that?"

He stood up. All of him stood up. He purred back, "What do you think?"

Smiling she also rose and melted into his arms. He held her gently and buried his nose in the curve of her neck. He rained tiny kisses from her neck up to her ear. He nibbled at her lob, then gently traced each curve and whirl with his tongue. She was still, eyes closed in total concentration. She moved her head to kiss him and he stepped back slightly. He took her hands and led her back toward his bedroom. She followed. At the doorway he stopped suddenly, smiled and scooped her up into his arms, took one step through and set her down again.

She was a little startled and confused. "Why did you do that?"

He was already busy removing her jacket. "Do what?"

She shrugged out of her jacket and loosened the snap to her trousers.

"Carry me one step like that."

He knelt to remove her boots and slide the trousers off her legs. "Oh, carry you over the threshold. It's an old earth custom. For me, it’s a fantasy I have about us. It defines how I want to make love to you. Why I want to. Look it up sometime." He pulled her close again as he slid his hands under her shirts, lifting them over her head. He stepped back to look at her and chuckled.

She glowered at him, hands on hips. "What's so funny?"

"Only Kathryn Janeway would be so self-assured that she would come to a seduction in regulation cotton underwear and regulation black socks." He pulled her back into his arms before she worked up to a real anger. "And only Kathryn Janeway could look so seductive doing it." He reached behind her and loosened her brassier, letting it drop to the floor. He cupped her breasts in his hands. They were fuller than he expected. Dropping again to his knees, he ran his tongue down between her breasts to that tiny hollow in her stomach, as he slid off her underwear. Her hips were narrow and her fanny flat. That was apparent when she was in uniform. What he set about discovering now was how sweetly rounded her belly was. His one fear is that she would be bony underneath all that slimness, but she wasn't. Her body was wonderful, uniquely hers, trim but with a woman's fullness tucked within her military posture.

That posture was softening with each trail of kisses. She tried to remain passive and observe his reactions but found her body swaying into his, her hips pulsing against him with every kiss. Her thoughts, so clinically evaluating this experience, were beginning to blur around the edges. She couldn't keep her mind on just her physical reactions, but instead found herself lost in contemplation of the scent of him, of the feel of him, of his smile. Ah, his smile. She lost herself in the beauty of his smile.

He picked her up again, carrying her past the bed.

"Where are we going?"

"We are going to wash your hair."

"My hair?"

"I hate that gunk in it. Your hair should flow freely. It's spun silk, so soft that it's like holding a cloud in my hand."

This isn't how she pictured their lovemaking but she had agreed to let him lead. That did clear up why he had always been so interested in what she had considered her worst feature. She catalogued his responses so far: observes obscure traditional gestures and tactile, very tactile. She ran her fingers through his hair. His hair, in contrast, was thick, each strand bold and firm, pushing against her hand. "How utterly….phallic," she thought. That was her last coherent thought for awhile as she surrendered to the absolute pleasure of someone else washing her hair.

He smiled. He could feel some of the tension she carried like an extra pip begin to leave her body. She was beautiful. Her skin was pale gold, with flecks of freckles in the oddest places. There was a bunch of them scattered like tiny stars across the fullness of her belly, melting down to drift into the curls of her nether hair. His eyes drifted back to her face. She was focused totally on the shampoo. He continued a bit longer. This woman had not been touched and pampered for far too long.

The shampoo finally completed, he wrapped her in his robe and led her back into the living room. There, much to her confused enjoyment, he fed her dinner and settled her back after dinner with a cup of coffee.

"I must say Chakotay. You have an odd idea of making love."

"You are not enjoying this?"

"On the contrary, I haven't had such a relaxed evening since…..well, I can't remember when. It's just that I envisioned something a bit more…vigorous."

He removed her socks and began to message her feet, "Maybe next time."

"Next time! Chakotay, we agreed that this is….ohhhh, that's the spot. Ummmm….how did you know my feet have been aching? This is marvelous."

They sat in companionable silence as he rubbed her feet. Finally, her coffee finished, he pulled her to her feet and pushed he toward the bathroom.

"Now what?"

"Brush your teeth."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Its time to play, Kathryn and second hand coffee just doesn't add to the experience. Replicate a toothbrush or use mine."

She just shook her head and paddled, barefoot and swaddled in a robe big enough for three of her, into the bathroom. Once there she stared at his toothbrush. Feeling strangely moved by the intimacy of it, she took his toothbrush and raised it to her lips.

He, in the meantime, had stripped, lit scented candles, turned down the bed, warmed some oil and turned on some soft, gentle music. She smiled and added to her mental tally: traditional, tactile, sensual and romantic but slow….very slow. Slowly indeed he came to her. Slowly he entangled his hands in her hair. Slowly his tongue traced along her teeth. Slowly he his hands slid down her neck and on to her shoulders, pushing the robe to the floor. Slowly he pulled her body to his and kissed her gently, deeply. Slowly he lifted her again in his arms and carried her to the bed, which was just as well as her knees had slowly turned to jelly.

He took the oil and dribbled it over her belly. He rubbed, squeezed, stroked and slid his hands over her until she felt she had no gravity at all. Then he rained her with kisses again. Small kisses, little nibbles, short kisses, long kisses, barely touching kisses and kisses as deep as her toes. His fingers explored her folds and secret places, messaging gently. She was floating. Coherent thought was becoming impossible. She began to panic. He just slowed the pace even more, cuddling and caressing her until she had relaxed again. Again and again she would pull herself back. Each time he would patiently wait until she gave herself to him again. She pulled herself back once more and just looked at him. He waited, returning her gaze with a steady loving one of his own. Her decision made, she pulled him back into her arms. He resumed kissing and stroking her. She drifted again, almost unaware of a him or a her, totally engrossed in the wonder of a 'them'. He rolled her over to lie on top of him, giving her the option of that final commitment. Almost unaware of this last step she was taking, she allowed herself to melt around him. He rolled her back, now joined and began to slowly stroke. No gravity, no edges, no thought, no beginning, no end, no separateness, just the now of their union and the now and the now and the now, whirling and whirling. The universe that they had become expanding and caressing all they knew. He would sweep her closer, feel her mounting toward the crest of that sweet wave, then pull her back to floating, timing and tying his own elemental nature to hers, until he felt them so close to the peak that there was no retreating. "Let go now, Kathryn. Let it come, beloved." With a small cry she held him closer, undulating in time with his thrusts, little ohs of wonder punctuating each spasm as that final wave overwhelmed them both. Slower and slower they rocked against each other until they each were quiet and spent.

Slowly Kathryn regained coherent thought and found there was nothing left to think about. They were here now; they were one now. For once, the now was everywhere and everything. She savored the profound gentleness that bound them, still lost in the wonder of their union. She traced his smiling lips with her finger tips giving him a loving smile in return. "What have you done to me, Chakotay?"

"I have loved you, Kathryn. That's all I ever wanted to do, just love you."

Her eyes caressed him. "It would be so easy to just loose myself in you."

"But you won't."

"No, I won't."

"Kathryn, you wouldn't have anyway. This isn't about being lost. It's about finding yourself. Kathryn, what are you feeling right now? Do you feel lost? Alone?"

She nestled in closer to him, sighing in contentment as she evaluated what she was feeling. "No, I certainly don't feel alone at the moment." She nuzzled him a bit more. "Chakotay. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow, but today, today, for the first time in years, I feel happy. Tomorrow I'll go back to work and this will be as if it never happened, but today I feel most happily, most lovingly not alone."

Chakotay settled himself more comfortably around her. "Kathryn, we'll let tomorrow take care of itself, but I think you will be surprised."

She just chuckled and snuggled into him again. It was enough for her that he could believe in the persistence of what they had created tonight, even if she couldn't. It was enough for her that the night hadn't ended and she didn't have to stop loving him just yet. Right now, for her, that was enough.

PART FOUR

She was surprised. What united them that one night hadn't faded in the morning. After an initial period of a kind of shy, sweet embarrassment each settled into an equally sweet contentment with each other. They didn't resume intimacies in the small hours of the night. He didn't suggest it and she wouldn't have allowed it. Yet underneath the well oiled professional relationship, they were always intimate. They were a team, buddies, partners, colleagues, a pair, connected and she loved it. She told herself it was because they had taken command of an accident of fate rather than just accept it, but she knew that it was more than that. They had crossed some final frontier of their own and from that forged this unspoken relationship that would sustain her through the doldrums and the hells of the Delta Quadrant.

Shifts were spent as always, with him at her side in businesslike harmony. Off shift time took on its own rhythm as well, a quiet dinner together, then a quick review of the reports of the day. Some evenings that would be it. Other evenings they would spend in companionable silence, each engrossed in an activity but enjoying the other's presence, nonetheless.

Only once did she refer to their one night together. He was busy carving something or other. She was reading. She was reading as well as it was possible to while gazing at the man before her instead of the book.

"Chakotay."

He gave a distracted 'um' as he continued whittling away at a leaf pattern.

"May I ask you a question?"

He put down the half-formed piece of wood. "What question?"

"I know you haven't been much more…er….active than I have these last seven years…."

"You do, huh? And how do you know that?"

"It’s a Captain's job to know everything about her crew. " She pouted. "Am I wrong?"

He chuckled. "No, you're not wrong. Was that your question?"

By this time she was blushingly pink. "It's just that you..…showed such remarkable control for a man that…well…hadn't gotten any in a long time. How did you last so long at such an intense level?"

He smirked, "Yoga."

"Yoga?"

"Yes. All these years, while we haven't been together I have been studying a form of yoga. One can….study….alone, as I have, although its best studied in pairs for the most….transcendental….experience It's very spiritual."

She snorted, "Spiritual isn't how I would describe it! What kind of yoga is this anyway?"

"Look it up."

She gave a laugh, "Maybe someday I will." then "I did look up the threshold thing. Do you really feel that way?"

He gave her a steady long and loving look. "Yes."

She smiled at him shyly. "I can't do anything about it, but I'm glad you do."

He held her gaze. "Let me know when you can do something about it, okay?"

"I will….someday."

"Someday."

That was it. She never brought it up again and he never acted as if she should. If only she didn't feel so physically lousy, life would have been perfect. For weeks she had been mentally soaring and physically sinking. Kathryn finally acknowledged to herself that she had better see the Doctor. Everything she tried to eat seemed to make her nauseous. Even the thought of coffee was enough to send her to the bathroom gagging. That and fatigue had been going on for weeks. She was sleeping hours longer than she usually did; yet she felt exhausted and sleepy all the time. Her breasts hurt and she felt bloated.

The Doctor, though initially startled that she actually sought medical help, quickly sublimated the multitudinous pithy remarks he kept ever ready and began a rather thorough examination. After a series of 'ummms' and 'ahhas' and an occasional 'hmph', he asked, "Captain, just what did you do with that little pill I gave you the night Chakotay so kindly provided an antidote to the Vapors."

"I threw it away. I hate sedatives. They dull my ability to work through whatever is bothering me."

"Pity a sharp mind didn't seem to help in this case. That wasn't a sedative."

She looked at him, the nature of her malady suddenly occurring to her. She fell back onto the biobed in shock as the doctor continued.

"You hadn't renewed your five year contraceptive shot and Commander Chakotay has never requested any type of contraceptive, so I thought it prudent to administer what is quaintly called the 'morning after' pill. It would have prevented conception after the deed was done. I assumed, since you requested contraceptives later, that you had taken the one I'd given you."

The 'would have' confirmed it. Contrary to everything she heard while doing her cadet semester in engineering, Magowan Vapors were not a spermacide. She was pregnant. She was the Captain and she was pregnant. She was the captain and captains do not get pregnant. Actually they do, but not during an active posting. Traversing the Delta Quadrant certainly qualified as an active posting and she was the Captain. She could not allow herself to have this child. Chakotay's child. She could not allow herself to have Chakotay's child. Her tears slid quietly as the doctor droned on about her options.

Captain Kathryn Janeway walked with grim control across the bridge. Explaining this to Chakotay was going to be more difficult that escaping the Hirogens. "Commander, join me in my ready room. Tuvok, you have the con."

He followed her.

"Chakotay. Have a seat. No, not at the desk, on the couch. Would you like anything to drink? Tea? Hot chocolate? Coffee? Something to eat?"

He was amused and bemused at her discomfort. "Kathryn, would you stop pacing and tell me what is on your mind."

She sat next to him and took his hands in hers. This was the first time she had initiated physical contact since the one night they had been together. He gave her hands a little squeeze, giving her unspoken support to continue.

After a number of false starts that totally confused Chakotay, Kathryn shook her head in exasperation. "You know Chakotay, I once told Q I'd never have a child by a man I didn't love. I never envisioned telling a man I did love that we couldn't have a child."

Chakotay looked at her in awe. "You just told me you loved me! At least, that's what I thought you were saying. Kathryn, is that what you are saying?"

Kathryn smiled reassuringly at the still confused and now stunned commander. "Yes, I love you but that is not what I'm trying to say here."

He pulled her into an embrace, effectively stopping her from saying anything at all. She took comfort from him then pulled back and tried to explain the situation again.

Although closer to the mark, Chakotay still missed the point. "Kathryn, I understand that we can't have children. I want them with you, but I agree that out here they would be more than either one of us could handle. It will be enough that we are together." He resumed his embraces.

Kathryn looked at him in dismay. He was completely misunderstanding what she was saying. He thought she was proposing to him!

"Chakotay! Listen closely. I am not suggesting we formalize our union." He wilted in utter bewilderment. She caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry, I wish we could, love. What I am saying we cannot have this baby."

That stopped him. "This baby?"

"Yes.,"she said, laying her hand against her stomach, "This baby."

He got that loopy smile that men get when they are overly satisfied with themselves. "We made a baby?"

She melted at his reaction and shook her head yes. But he still hadn't gotten the whole message. She would just have to give him time to absorb this.

"How? You told me you had taken care of that."

"It didn't happen then. It happened while we were in the Jeffries tube."

"On the first shot? " He got that irritatingly smug grin again. "That was three months ago! You are just telling me now? Or were you going to postpone our 'someday' until after she was born.? It’s a little girl, isn't it? I'll bet it's a little girl."

He was still lost. She wondered idly if a two by four across the backside of his head would speed up his comprehension. His joy was breaking her heart. Silently the tears started again.

That aided his comprehension.

He cradled her face in his hands, gently wiping the tears away with his thumbs. "Kathryn, its okay. It's more than okay. It's wonderful. Don't cry."

She gently took his hands in her own. "Chakotay. I am the Captain. I cannot…"

Click! He got it. "Oh no!" He pulled away from her. "Oh no! You can't do this ! No! I won't allow it! No! No abortion! I know my rights. You can't do this without my signed agreement. I'll never sign. Never! You have to agree to a surrogate if you won't have it. It’s the law."

"Chakotay, you don't understand…"

By this time he was pacing and yelling…and crying himself. She thought it prudent to lock the ready room doors and send a message to the con advising Tuvok that no one should interrupt them. Finally he threw himself back on the couch in complete grief. "How can you even consider this?" Firmly, "I have forty-eight hours to find a surrogate."

She sat back next to him. Gently, "Its too late for a surrogate. She's grown too much for that. That is not one of our options. But I'm not asking…."

"She. It is a little girl. Well, you damn well better ask. Captain or no captain, you cannot…"

This was going in circles. She had to shut him up long enough to have him listen again. So she kissed him. After going rigid with shock, he threw himself into the kiss, passionate with his pain. Finally they gentled, then parted. He held her. "Kathryn, please, I'm begging..don't do this."

"Sh, sh." She rocked him in her arms. "Listen to me. I couldn't abort our baby. I just cannot have her at this time."

His panicked grief subsided to be replaced by bewilderment again. "You've lost me. Either you chose to have her or not to have her. Timing is kind of a mute issue after conception isn't it? Can't we just accept this and love her?"

"I do love her, Chakotay. She's your child, after all. I just can't have her now, in this place. If I cannot allow myself to love you fully, do you think I could even begin to be as hard and cold as I have to be and love and raise your child as well? I would be ripped apart by the conflict and she would be the one to suffer. You at least minimally understand why I treat you as I do. She wouldn't. We have to exercise other options."

"What other options?"

She explained what she had asked of the Doctor. While extro-gestation wasn't unheard of, it was a rarely used and never attempted away from a complete medical facility. The equipment was complex and highly sensitive. In addition, this gestation was to be halted and held in stasis. Even the Doctor, with his vast knowledge and even vaster confidence felt daunted at the task. He would have to modify and adapt their existing facilities significantly in order to insure the survival of the fetus. In addition, at this stage of her pregnancy and with the limits of sickbay, Kathryn faced the possible loss of her ability to have other children. Then there was the question of a consistent, reliable source of power, one that didn't overtax the sickbay systems. It was another month before suitable procedures and equipment were developed.

Grief can sometime bond people closer together than joy. Kathryn and Chakotay had both. The longer she kept the child, the more they wanted her. The best they could do was to take comfort that there would be a 'sometime' . She couldn't go beyond the parameters she needed to function as the Captain, but there was a future now, a commitment now, a life. Together they faced this. Together they did this. Together they planned for the day when the fruit of their love could truly ripen.

She quietly slipped through Sickbay to the Cryochamber. He already stood in front of the small, silvery canister, twinkling inside its stasis field .

"It's the middle of the night. What are you doing here?"

He started slightly at the sound of a voice, then moved over to give her room to join him. "I'm tucking her in for the night. I could ask you the same thing."

She gave him an abashed grin and moved to stand next to him, "Me too."

He gently slipped his arm around her and turned to Cryo-Container J/C1, "Goodnight, Maggie."

" You named her? You named her Maggie? And just who is this Margaret you named our child after?"

He looked a bit chagrined, "Well…..actually…..I didn't name her after a who. She's named after a what."

"What?"

"Yes."

"Yes? Yes what?"

"Yes. What. I named her after a what."

"A what? What what?"

"Can't you guess? Maggie. Mag."

"You didn't!"

"Yup, I did."

"You named our baby…."

"....Magowan."

.

And that, dear friends {especially my skunk favored muse}, is all she finally wrote. I hope it's been worth the wait…and the ride.
Love, Turtle

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