Journal

Going to watch Van Helsing! Scary Cousin Visits.. Rare Outing With MH Feeling Crappy Suicide Judgment Day Zero Disappointment = Be Realistic Missing You Planet I and K Wasted Moments Battered Pride Going to SY's house Worry worry.. Tennis Busting a Second Interview Weird Dream Loser me.. 18/8/2004.. A day to remember First Recording for download! End of Bumming celebrations The Wrong Ideas Grr.. Ugh.. Gloomy weather, lonely me.. Helping Mr C I'm not romantic.. Fading into Nothingness.. My Escapade Letting go.. Mean Letter WSO Maybe love will find me Incessant worrying Hit the ground LIMPING! Hypocrisy: Chapter 1 0.5 Year Anniversary Being Number 2 Nearing the end? Random Hearts Losing faith When tears mean nothing.. The Melancholic Song from Bangkok Run Moving on to nowhere Embracing the new year alone Separate Lives Leaving my comfort zone, leaving..her Hating her, moving on.. More hating, more moving on..   7th May 2004 6.14pm I'm so hungry now.. Mc is going to get tix to Van Helsing now! I'm going to see Hugh Jackman! :)   10th May 2004 1.38pm Geez.. I didn't get to watch Van Helsing 'cos it was pretty much filled up, much to IY's delight, 'cos it meant that she could watch her Tad Hamilton. Hmm, predictably, it was a REALLY cheesy show with REALLY predictable stuff right up to the end. I think it was amazing that I actually managed a chuckle or two throughout the show.. Ha.. The best part I like about the show is the very last part, when they started playing one of my fav. Five For Fighting song (Something About You)!! :) Actually someone sorta lurked at my corridor juz now, but hey, it's broad daylight and I'm not scared k.. (Though many weird things have been happening to me recently) And my gate's locked too so I feel safe. Anyway turned out that it was my cousin though we really didn't spoke to each other for more than maybe .. 10 sentences in our lifetimes? Which means that talking to him juz now made up abt 50% of it. And I think that was him 'cos his father used to do such a thing a loong time ago when he was still around, and I can still remember how my father would flare up at the sight of him. Anyway I knew wat he wanted -- chink-a-chink! But the ATM machine was out, so .. too bad 4 him. Anyway, he had this long, curly, messy hair, and given his small frame, I thought it was a woman at first. But I took a careful loook at him and saw that he had traces of a moustache.. He dressed up pretty sloppily, and when he spoke, geez, he had dark, maybe tar stains on his teeth and gums.. Couldn't help but stare at his teeth every time he opened his mouth.. Geez.. so scary.. The ATM machine told me how she used to try introducing him a job but he was juz so lazy. I guess his following his late father's footsteps -- to bum around and hope for.. god knows wat. I remember Choo telling me how she followed the ATM machine to visit that family, and how ignorant they seemed. She tried talking to the sisters (of that cousin I mentioned) and they couldn't really understand mandarin! And I think that's so terrible.. I wonder how they ended up this way. I think it must have been the parents.. I think parents are soo important..   12th May 2004 12.40am Huh. I finally watched Van Helsing. It wasn't as cool as I hope it would be.. so I felt kinda disappointed. Anyway, I had a pretty fun outing w MH today.. First, we sang at a KTV at Chinatown, and then we went to catch Van Helsing at PS! Hmm.. but I thought she looked pretty tired in the theatre.. was kinda afraid she'd doze off or sth.. And I'd feel bad abt it cos i tink i was the one making all the hooha abt the show, n if it turned out as bad as Tad Hamilton then....... huh. Think she didn't fall asleep thru'out the show.. not that i noe of?? anyway, i was hoping wj cud join us 4 dinner but i knew chances were slim. I didn't even bother trying 2 ask IY cos... i dunnoo.. maybe i'm still pissed off with her? hmm.. i dunno.. juz dunno how to be ard her anymore. the feelings r pretty much mixed, negative n gd. Sigh..... Anyway, yeah, wj didn't join us. But i'd a great time chatting w mh n i learnt a great deal more of wat she'd been doing 4 the past few mths.. I wish i cud haf dis kinda chat often w frenz ard mi.. Sometimes i feel as though i'd been out of touch w them for the past 2 yrs n i know it's my fault n i feel really bad abt it.. i know v well y dis is so n at the end of it, i tink i've learnt a lot abt myself, how flawed i really am, n dat's pretty sad...... given how ego i am.......... :( Anyway, enuf of the sad crap..... I'm gg to vietnam sooon! 2 wks of vietnamisation! ha! i hope all goes well.. n i noe mh's reaally excited over dis trip.. Oh, i called sy yest 2 cfm her coming bk, n boy, she was so funny.. She kept spouting nonsense.... hehe.. i really i can't wait 4 her 2 come bk! Can't wait 4 our trip to commence!   17th May 2004 1.16am 1) A hundred push-ups, a hundred crunches, a hundred dips..(yes, i'm a show off, thank you v much) 2) Stay up REAL late and surf net 3) Read a book 4) Sleep late the next day 5) Don't on the god-damn phone 6) Search for a job so that hopefully by the time I get back I can start work 7) Tink of a nice excuse to get excused on Friday..... Hmm.. How do I get out of it? URGH! I hate dis god damn feeeling. I hate all dis crap...... Oh god get mi outta here! Oh god oh god...... y do I haf to go thru dis again.... heLP help help.. " But it's ok, if you have to go away, just remember the telephone will be working in both ways. But if I never ever hear it rings.... If nothing else I think the bells inside have found you someone else and that's okay.. Cos I remember everything you sang......"   22nd May 2004 4.08am I wonder. I shud haf juz shot her dwn. Juz like she used to do. I shud haf gotten my revenge today. Afterall, she was trying to bring me dwn then. When we talked abt the suicide ting, she got all excited cos she smelt a chance 2 draw blood again. But little did she know dat dis is a diff kimmy she's dealing w, though not entirely lethal (yet?). Hmm.. she narrated abt dis person in her class saying he/she wouldn't care if someone told him/her he/she was gg to commit suicide. N frm the way i saw it she seemed 2 admire dat response. Huh, u tink it's cool huh. Pple dying really isn't cool ya noe. dat really is too high a price 2 pay 4 trying 2 b cool. I guess in a way, she worshipped e idea of being nonchalent abt other pple, in other words, indifference. N I tink dat's sort of selfish. Yeah, sure, I know she's selfish. It's one thing abt her dat hasn't changed since I first knew her yrs bk. Hmm.. Selfish. I do believe dat we gotta protect our own interests n stuff.. But as I always say, I tink we shud nvr try 2 favor ourselves at the expense of others. To me, that's gg beyond the limit whereby the label 'selfish' comes in. Anyway, i dun blame her 4 not lending me a hand wen i most needed one. Cos i seriously tink i was the 'drowning man' who'd pose a danger 2 her too. But adding salt to the wound was totally uncalled 4. N I really can't forget how she betrayed mi by revealing my little secret. N i'm pretty sure she has revealed more. Sometimes wen I tink abt it I feel so scared.. Who knew abt the secret now, n how much of it?? N who is she now, dis mean girl in her vessel? N i dun tink it was a big deal, the thing i did her wrong, cos she even said so herself so it really isn't a verdict i passed myself. So wat's wrong?? i dun understand. She's all so contradicting n i can't even ask her abt it cos she'd become a loose cannon again. The more you try 2 strike me dwn, the faster i bounce bk up again. N I won't let u bring me dwn!   8th June 2004 4.08am I don't think I deserve the right to cry. Cos as I said, it was only a matter of an overrated self assessment by the ever narcisstic, ever egoistic me. And I just feel sad becos I can't accept the fact that I am only of that level. I can't accept myself as who I am, the flaws n all. Oh who am I trying to fool when I thought I was somehow more superior, somehow somewhat different? And turns out I'm just one disillusioned creature, completely beaten for the one last battle. And the official humiliation parade has yet to commence!   9th June 2004 4.08am It's times like dis dat make me feel so low. Look at MH. She's so talented. I wish I was half as gifted as she is. And SY. She's so arty. And WJ, she's smart. And IY, she n her linguistic wizardry. And I'm the only one untalented. Oh no. My old me is back. Old froggy's words are coming back to haunt me. But I'm stronger now, I'm not as hard-hit this time round. Well, didn't I say zero disappointment equates being realistic? Oh how sad. Oh I feel so lonely sometimes. I dunno why but I dreamt of that person last night, and in the dream everything was okay, and everything was still there.. Now the same plot's not barren either, but things just look foreign, worse still, alien. Oh crap. I don't wanna cave in again. I wonder if things would be better if the plot's empty instead? I want all, or nothing at all. " She says baby, It's 3 am I must be lonely.. See I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes, and the rain's gonna wash away.. I believe it.. "   15th July 2004 9.32am It's raining now, and everything's ever so dreary.. Coldplay's Shiver is playing on my pc.. Oh I actually love this kind of feeling.. this melancholy.. Though I'm trying to suppress my anxiety. Is anxiety really a result of knowledge or ignorance?? (And oh.. IY has messaged me.. And I see her ever-shy, earnest smile on my phone) Urgh.. whatever.. When I was away there were times I sort of miss that person, but I don't know what that really meant. I missed the times we were together, but I think it doesn't mean I want anything like that now. And I fell in line with XY and MC when I wondered if that someone missed me back when I think I know what the answer to that is. Sigh. It's really not important anymore. I've let so many 'moments' pass, 'cos I've no longer got the courage. The feeling is much much weaker now.. Knowledge and more importantly, reality kills any hope that's left. Plus I'm too tired to go thru' everything again, and I'd rather live my life like this.   17th July 2004 1.37am Everyone has smsed me to tell me they're home, all except IY. I bet she's doing it on purpose again. I don't think I'm gonna wait for her reply.. so.. I'm offing my phone right now. Think she's living on Planet I and I'm on Planet K.   20th July 2004 3.27pm I wasn't very happy with IY again over the weekend. I bet she couldn't care less either. I didn't bother to ask her why she chose her other clique over us. It's how she prioritise, and I'm not about to question that. Or perhaps I didn't wanna know why. I really hate to sound so bitter whenever I talk abt her, but I just can't help it. Wonder when I'll grow up. Anyway, on our way back there were only the two of us and we didn't know what to say to each other so she closed her eyes and tried to nap. Ok, she was feeling kinda sick then too, so probably she didn't feel like talking. Which was sort of a good thing also since I don't know what to say, so in a kinda rude gesture I took out my discman I started listening to it. But I guess I wasn't being entirely rude 'cos we weren't talking anyway. Actually, I thought it was a good opportunity for us to talk a bit and make things less awkward for the both of us but well, I guess we just let one pass again. But really, I wonder if I really cared that much too?? And then I keep alternating between 1 and 0 I don't know how to feel about it anymore, and so I just try to avoid and forget it. Maybe I don't have to face it at all, or maybe, it really isn't within my control anyway. I think the ball's in her court, not mine. And I don't know what I was hoping to change by SY's coming back.. I guess I'm just plain bored, that's why. And this morning she told me she was accepting a job offer, which meant things are going to be pretty much the same for me now, minus the fact that the pressure for me to find a job is even more unbearable now.   29th July 2004 1.16pm Ah crap. I juz busted an interview. Gee.. I can't pin point exactly what's wrong with me.. There're so many issues I have now that I dunno where to start! The problem is I like the work environment there, the people seemed nice but oh god I don't think I was the person they were looking for. I'm not even sure I want that job or not, but I really liked the idea of working in that company.. In fact, so much so that I wanted to ask them if they'd another more suitable position for me.. Or if they needed a temp.. And the problem is, I don't really know what I want! What do I want??? Gosh.. Oh I know! I like analysing stuff.. that's why I like system level engineering! Oh god why didn't I think of this earlier? Gee I was like making a fool of myself out there.. And why do they always need to have soo many interviewers??! I had 3 guys for panasonic, n for this I had 3 ladies! It doesn't help again that one of them was from HR and the other 2, engineers.. SO I had to be doubly careful.. And when they start introducing themselves I couldn't catch their names, as usual... I already have difficulty remembering one name n god they're giving me three! I dunno how to write a thank-you letter like dat.. and decided i thank the HR girl wh contacted me instead. And I had a hard time lookin for dat place.. By the time I got there I was perspiring like hell I must have looked like a dog. I had to cover myself with te blazer so that they couldn't see my wet shirt. Geez.. It really wasn't my day.. But on the bright side I think I did learning something out of today's episode. Now I can safely eliminate QA as my choice of engineering profession. And if people start asking me why I wanna do so-n-so over so-n-so i'd say I dun mind both but I prefered the so-n-so i'm applying.. Grr.................Still.. I feel so totally demoralised right now! MC called mi juz nw cos she'd some technical pc stuff she needed help in, n so i told her wat happened at the interview today. she said my prob was dat i was too frank.. but how i hate 2 lie, n how i hate 2 pretend! the choice of words alone usually juz give mi away.. i can't act man.. At this point i feel like a loser! I wonder if m subconsciously hoping for a company which'd accept me 4 who i am.. which,if true, will mean i'll remain unemployed 4 a loong time.. see? i'm so stupid. Welcome to the real world, kim. And I think i'm really not that bad u know.. At least I dun tink I'm worse than LS. But she's employed now n I'm not, n i've heard stories n seen pple loafing on the job n i tink i can do better. I'm not lazy nor am i stupid when it comes to work.. I'm so outwardly outgoing and friendly and stuff.. But I dunno why I'm still unemployed.. And I dunno why when it comes to selling myself I'm so damned tongue-tied. I thought the narcisstic side of me was gonna help in my sales pitch but in interview rooms she kept quiet, silent my the skeptical me. So what's the use of u, narcisstic kimmy, besides making myself happy sometimes wen lookin into the mirror? "Trying to make a move just to stay in the game, I try to stay awake.. can't remember my name but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same!"   5th August 2004 12.27pm " All these places have their moments.. There is no one compares with you.. In my life I love you more.. " I think dat's the soundtrack for "I am Sam", courtesy of SY. Yesterday I went to her house. I dunno if it's me, or I dunno if it's her, or I dunno if it's the both of us, but I can no longer feel at ease when I'm with her. Hmm.. It's probably me, I guess. I've shut myself in the comfort of my home for so long that it actually felt awkward travelling in the MRT the other day. Oh god I feel so bored.. The other day I helped Bob move her stuff to hall, and when I was abt to leave both of us wanted to cry.. I guess she's my best friend now, but her moving back to hall will mean I will spend most of the time alone. Anyway, now I'm trying to get SY to play squash with me. Actually I feel like playing basketball but I dun think she wans to, so I'm not even asking her.   6th August 2004 1.20pm I'm worried. I worry that the raymond guy wasn't gonna keep his word. I worry his HR are not doing their work. I worry if I would have to take the initiative. I worry abt the impending interview. I worry about getting the job. I worry about not getting a job in the near future. I worry the others get a job ahead of me. I worry I'm not spending my time wisely. I worry I'll regret not spending my time more wisely. I worry what others think of me. I worry I'm not going anywhere. I'm worry I'll be stuck like this forever. Am I underachieving? Or am I overestimating myself? "I worry I throw my fear around.. By the time I recognise this moment, this moment will be gone.. And I will wait to find if this will last forever.. Well it won't 'cos it won't, it can't, it's not supposed to.." I know I'm more capable than this.. I know I'm capable of great things! But my self-esteem is eroding away as the days pass.. I'm not so sure how long I'd be able to hold my fort..   10th August 2004 2.27pm Gosh I think it's gonna rain.. I hope it doesn't 'cos I don't wanna go all the way up to yishun and not be able to play tennis! And I think MH will be so disappointed if we don't get to play today.. 12th August 2004 4.40pm Oh I busted another interview. I would have had a very gd chance if I didn't procrastinate abt the preparation. I don't know if it's me trying to find excuses for myself again, but shouldn't I do so to forgive myself? Or shouldn't I? Why don't I just buck up and really put my heart into it? Gee.. The excuse is that I was feeling unsure about the job. I didn't know if I really wanted to go into semicon industry. And whenever I on the pc all I wanted to do was scout for another job 'cos I knew chances of me busting this 2nd interview was high. I know I always disliked semicon.. I was in this huge dilemma. Then I had this feeling that the hr girl wasn't gonna contact me cos the raymond guy maybe changed his mind abt me. I was afraid I'd be wasting my time. In fact, I steered clear of semicon jobs in subsequent job applications. That's how much I dislike semicon. And the interview was damned scary! For the first time in my life I have 5 interviewers staring at me all at once! Gosh.. I could see the other 4 younger interviewers didn't like me very much becos they were very visibly appalled by my lack of preparation. The older guy said he wanted me in becos he was impressed by my "Best Bendemeerian" thingy, which honestly, made me feel pretty flattered. But what are the chances when it's four against one? Sigh. Nobody cares about what you were, how you were. It's all about NOW. Ah I think I know why. There are a few theories I have abt my procrastination. 1) I'm not really interested in the job. 2) I'm so afraid that if I really put in the effort and didn't get the job, I'd feel really crushed. 3) All of the above Oh I dunno.... I can't believe I'm trying to guess the reasons behind my behaviour.. Or rather, trying to find excuses for my failures.. :| Arhgg.. Crap.. I'm just glad it's over.. for now. SY contacted me today about the ice-skating outing this coming Sunday. I think I'm not angry with her anymore.   13th August 2004 11.22am I dreamt of C last night. How weird. In the dream he said he was lost and asked me for the directions to get home. But we were in the middle of nowhere and I didn't know how to answer him. I wonder how he is now, but I dun wanna sms him cos.. well I think I shouldn't cos I think I'd upset him. I wish I met him in a different time, in a different place, in a different setting.. Maybe then things would be different. And maybe I was just feeling terribly lonely when he 1st told me how he felt, and though I still feel lonely sometimes I'm more scared than anything else to want anything out of it. I'm so afraid of what's chained to my feet..and the additional weight it's gonna bring.. I don't think I've let go of the old ones yet, and I dun think I'd ever be able to. I can't believe I'm still holding on to something that was supposed to be gone so long ago.. I bet I'd be laughed at if it was known. I don't feel like going to out this coming Sunday anymore after knowing that MH and WJ won't be going. I mean, it'd be so weird facing the other two.. What if they start ganging up against me? Gee.. But I dunno how to get out of it. I gotta come up with a gd excuse fast.   17th August 2004 1.01pm What's it with people? What's it with me?? LS smsed me and asked me how I was doing(I'm trying not to feel too sore about it now). (Oh MH n i are having this technical discussion on pc.. haha) Anyway I'm feeling so discouraged now. I dunno how to go to the interview feeling more upbeat. Maybe talking to MH would cheer me up a bit.. Back to LS. I know she's not gloating over my misfortune but I can't help but feel negative about it. I know maybe she's trying to show concern but somehow I feel she may be trying to find assurance and perhaps self-worth. Oh I think I'm reading too much into people's intentions. Gee. But who could blame me? I'm feeling so demoralised now, can't I even whine about it a bit? Too bad LS has too be my punching bag for now.. And I can't believe she's fussing about the pay. It's really like the second stage fuss. Oh pleease I'm still in stage one! I guess we all deserve to lament about our own problems. And I apologised to SY yesterday even though I was still mad at her. I did so becos I'm sure I offended her somehow with the way I speak sometimes, or in her opinion, tactlessness. She kept saying that I misunderstood her but she didn't explain more. She's always like that. That's how much she's willing to bother abt it, and so that is how much I wanna bother too. I've decided to treat her as well as she treats me, and in XY's words, use her ruler to judge her, not mine. I feel pretty disappointed with her, but then again, it really isn't her fault 'cos I was the one who set the expectations of her. She isn't aware of them and nor is she obligated to meet them. And I'm really pissed off by the fact that she thinks I dwell on our fight all day long when i apologised last night. I mean, so what I was the worst hit? Is it my fault to be so sensitive and that they are so insensitive (intentionally or not)? It only ascertained her belief that I was such a pathetic loser in need of getting a life! Anyway, I do believe I was the most emotional one, so naturally I was most hard-hit. But I do have a life and I certainly didn't dwell on it day and night like she thought I would! (Oh she's online now)I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be sorting things out in the near future, given that she's abt to embark on a new chapter in her life and get really busy, while I shall continue trying my luck at interviews.. Anyway I'm not surprised if it goes unresolved at all.   18th August 2004 5.57pm Again, it's a special day today, but the person whom I share this special day with probably doesn't remember nor give a hoot about it. Anyway, I think it was 18th August of the year 1999, and anyone who read about it would be wondering if the world was coming to an end on this very day. And like many similar predictions, it turned out to be a farce and we are all still very much alive today. Coincidently, it was the day that person was late for school the first time in many many years, and so we made a pact to remember this day. I guess my breaking of one pact is reason enough for that person to break this one.. Anyway, I deliberately chose to use the overhead bridge near the CC on my way home today, to sort of "commemorate" this day. Silly, I know. Sometimes I wish I were less sentimental, cos being so really makes me look so foolish. Maybe I'm just looking for something to hold on to, to justify my existence.. Oh god, I seriously think I'm fading into oblivion.. I can feel myself diminishing, slipping away from it all.. The days are getting bland.. I hope I'll fade into nothingness on saturday so that no one would be able to contact me. Afterall, I wasn't invited by the organiser, so why should I go? It was so painfully obvious that I wasn't welcomed, so why press it? My presence really doesn't make a difference, and if it does I think it'll only make people unhappy. Urgh.. I think I'm really better off alone. REALITY HURTS. Oh it really does.   19th August 2004 4.10pm Huh. In my boredom I've picked up "In my life" by Dave matthew's.. And I think I mentioned in the lyrics page that SY introduced me the song, but the other day I told her I learnt the song on guitar she said she didn't know what song I was talking abt. I think it's ok then since the song's pretty nice and I don't care if she likes it or not anyway, though her response felt like a wet blanket. Anyway, I just managed to do a recording of the song on pc! :D Maybe I'll try to load it here for downloads, so that well.. I dunno.. Anybody who stumbles upon it can tell me if it's nice?? Hohohoho.. 'cos who knows, maybe if I can't find a job I can go bask at Orchard road..   21st August 2004 4.45am I couldn't believe it yesterday when the guy frm the company which interview I thought I busted called me to go down today to sign the employment letter. I wanted more time for consideration but he wasn't giving me much of it.. He said the latest I could give the reply was by next Monday, and I had a psychometric test in that afternoon, and the company in Yishun asked me to go back for a second interview. I wanted the job for the psycho test but it's for system engineer and my chances aren't good. I've already withdrawn my application for that this evening. As for the Yishun company, I kinda liked it 'cos being a product engineer sure beats being a process engineer, especially when i dun really like semicon that much. But that company's kinda out of the way.. and there's no guarantee i'll get the job.. And sure, the job I've accepted this morning is gonna be tough, but the pay's good and it's near my hse.. But I don't know how tough it's gonna be.. Oh dear.. Everybody was so excited over my starting pay. Especially hilarious were the responses from IY, XY and SY. They were already thinking of what to eat on my first pay day, and drew goals of getting a car and condo for me.. But I'm so scared to think what kind of effort I have to put in in return for that.. Gosh..   31st August 2004 4.45am Oh gosh I'm starting work tomorrow.. Urgh.. Just now I was talking to Smn. Hmm.. seems like I haven't mentioned him before here, though I thought I have.. Anyway, he's from NTU also, and we've seen each other b4 but we've never talked. We met at the NEC interview, he went in first and when he came out he offered to wait for me. Then we went to have a drink at BK and chatted a bit. It turned out that, like me, he's gone for a graduation tour with two other frenz, and like what happened in my situation, a third guy had pulled out at the eleventh hour. He was visibly disappointed about it becos that was he's best fren among the 3. And the coincident thing is, we came back on the same day (9th July)! And when I turned up at Keppel Bay Towers for the hitachi interview I met him again! But he was rushing off somewhere else so we didn't talk a lot. Anyway, I think he's a pretty nice guy, and I dunno if I'm reading too much into it when he asked me out for lunch juz now. I honestly dun feel like going becos 1)mum has already started cooking 2)She's frying DRUMLETS!! (yum!) 3)I think it's so weird to eat with him cos i barely know him and he barely knows me.. 4)What if he gets the wrong idea???? 5)I tink I may have gotten the wrong idea... hohoho... Hmm.. He seems single and available.. Maybe I shud introduced him to WJ and frenz.. cos he seems like a nice guy.. And he's rich too.. hohoho..   8th September 2004 7.03pm I wish I didn't sms them abt friday, 'cos now I feel so damn lazy. MC threw me tis big wet blanket that I just dun feel like organising the outing anymore. Everybody seemed pretty uninterested too. Now the thought of a nice relaxed friday night at home makes me feel like getting out of it.. And I do think I can come up with a pretty gd excuse.. Anyway it pissed me off real bad that MC is always so lukewarm towards our friendship. Now I wish I hadn't confided in her in the first place. We haven't met up for MONTHS man! I really don't wanna be a pc-support technician to her only. She really pisses me off REAL BAD! And I guess I don't really miss anybody right now.. Maybe I just feel tired.. I dunno.. I dunno how the future's gonna be like.. I dunno if it's gonna be a Ross & Rachel.. But I dun think so.. I heard a story today about how a guy was waiting for dis person but she was marrying someone else.. And it was very sad.. Really sad.. 14th September 2004 7.10pm " Neon, neon.. Who knows how long she can go before she burns away? " Times passes so quickly. My training will be ending coming thursday, and we're all to be posted to different fabs, different depts.. Kinda sad when J asked me abt holding a little farewell dinner tomorrow night.. And though L always seem so loony, I hope he's feeling alright now.. I know he's trying to cover up his sadness, but I hope he allows himself to grieve.. Plus he juz broke up with his long time girlfriend.. I bet it's really hard for him now.. And it's for him to try get use to the idea of being single.. How weird it must be, after so many years.. But hey, I'm not abt to tell him all dat cos seriously, I barely know him. But I know exactly how it feels like to be alone.. I know how it feels like to despair.. And I'm so glad I feel stronger now.. SY is online now but we're not talking. I don't want to initiate the conversation anyway becos well, I know she'd feel proud abt it. And maybe she's busy anyway.. I mean, she's got soo many frenz in sgp and in montreal.. She hasn't got the time 4 me. And we've drifted apart.. I tink we were much closer when she was in montreal. I guess it was only becos we were both feeling down and lonely then.. Now that she's back, we've both sort of bounced back from our little individual depressions.. So in a way she doesn't need me anymore. And I won't want to need her anyway.. I'm just bored. Sad. Lonely. Oh yes. I wonder how C's doing. No news from him since my 1st day of work. Maybe he hasn't got the job at LS's company.. Well.. I dunno. If that's so, I hope he took my advice abt not getting his hopes up. And now I can't msg him cos he'd start calling me again.. I hope he finds a job soon.. 21st September 2004 7.30pm Did I mention dat Raymond is workin in the dept next to mine? He's in CVD, and i'm in diffusion.. I wonder why i ended up not under his charge... Then again i tink it juz might be a blessing in disguise cos he's still pretty arrogant as he was when i 1st saw him.. Anyway he's entitled to being so becos, well, i guess he seems pretty know-all, being obviously more senior. No, i dun hate him, despite the weird advices he had for mi on my first 2 days of work. But, to give him the benefit of doubt, i tink he was juz trying to help me. In a way, he knows more abt me than everyone else in the dept, and more of everyone else in the dept than i do, so maybe he was trying to keep his promise to "take care of me" if i got into the company. Anyway, I sent a neomail to C yesterday (note dat i neomailed him instead of anything else) askin him if he'd had any luck with the job search. He came instantly online in msn, so i guess he must haf been invisible all the while, which i really could understand y. It wouldn't surprise me if LS did sabotage, oops, i mean influence, his chances. That would just be her. Anyway, I think C is such a poor thing. He msged me dis morning, sounding truly exasperated. I hope handing his resume to my company would help. Btw, there's no news on H's side too.. Maybe my co. has stopped hiring.. Well, I dunno.. To be honest, I don't really like the idea of seeing them in my co.. I know what kinda trouble i'm courting, the kinda emotional roller coaster i may haf to go thru' again.. But.. i guess all things aside, it's really pretty impt for them to get a real job at this stage i guess.. I know exactly how it feels like to be unemployed! And the co.'s so damned big, maybe i won't get to c them even if i wanted to. 27th September 2004 7.07pm My dept went for some cruise cum dinner thingy n I remembered Alex did say sth dat meant I couldn't get to go when he distributed the pamphlets. Anyway, it's not as if I'd go even if I was invited. But Raymond was pretty nice and wanted to check if I was invited. I told him I didn't wanna go, to save him all the trouble. Arrogant as he is, I guess he still cares for other pple.. :) Mr C messaged me today and i tink he's happier with his exhibition job even though it's also temp. Anyway, I tink my opinion of him has taken a little dip. Maybe it's not fair to judge him like dat, but I juz can't help it.. 'Cos putting myself in his shoes I would haf done a lot better. And someone said I wasn't romantic. Huh. Though dat was mostly true, I was pretty sad. When u hate somebody, u won't really rem anything gd abt dat person too well.. :( " Now that we're here, so far away.. All the mistakes one life contain.. They finally start to go away.. And I think that I can face the day I forgive.. I'm not ashamed of the person I am today " 2nd October 2004 11.04am It's Bob's birthday today, and she's gone out long before I woke up. Must have been rushing to meet her frenz for her celebration. I woke up at 7am again automatically wondering if I shud head back to office. Mr T wasn't very happy when he learnt dat I wasn't coming back today for extra lessons.. I thought I couldn't cos we would hang out til pretty late last nite, but things turned out dat XY developed rashes all of a sudden, so we headed for hme pretty early. If I'd given a thought abt it earlier I might haf wanted 2 go bk to office today. Afterall, I'll probably be paid for that and I can also appease my boss. Anyway, SY was wondering about joining her colleagues in some pub last night, and IY seemed really interested in going despite the rest of us not going. I felt so dispensible then, so unimportant. It's kinda ironic really. Sometimes I wished they'd juz go ahead with their activites without me, but when they did I'd feel that my presence was really all but redundant. Plus I dunno why I actually felt a little sad that IY and SY seemed closer frens now than anyone of them to me. Well, I guess maybe it was kinda my choice also, that I'm too egoistic. But I dun wan anything to be juz a one way traffic, I dun wan it to be always me giving and not gettin anything back in return. Guess I'm really fading into nothingness.. 15th October 2004 9.13pm " Vindicated.. I am selfish I am wrong.. I am right.. I swear I'm right.. I swear I knew it all along.. I'm flawed but I'm cleaning up so well.. So let me slip away.. " It's a friday night and as usual I'm alone. You can probably guess how I'm feeling right now cos I only make an entry here when I feel down.. I'm starting to lose myself.. I don't know how to think and what to think. I don't know what to miss and who to miss. I don't know whether I should miss anything at all. I don't know where I'm heading, but I sure know I'm running so desperately away, sometimes wearily.. I know it's really not up to me.. that it takes two hands to clap, and probably, that was why I started the escapade.. Oh I really have to mention that I feel pretty vexed nowadays becos I suspect my supervisor may not be honouring his word abt my OT pay.. oh god.. which I bet must have snowballed into a helluva lot of money.. :( Let me see.. I came back on a non-working sat and worked til abt 1.30pm.. That would be abt 50 bucks, and then there was this time I stayed til 9pm for a stupid meeting, and dat's abt 30 bucks more. And for this week I have been staying 'til 7pm or 8pm, and dat will be abt 80 bucks dis wk, so in all I shud haf at least 160 bucks! And oh, I stayed til 1pm last sat too, which was a workin sat, so I shud get another 15 bucks or so. That makes it abt 175 bucks of OT! Oh god.. WHERE THE HELL'S MY HARD-EARNED MONEY MR T?!!??!? Grr............ And one more thing to add. Mr C is also getting on my nerves. I tink he's soooo irritating......... The more I get to know him the more I find him annoying. In a way, he reminds me of FROGGY! Urghh.. Sigh.. Which is why I'm not replying to his smses in the morning.. I tink he's too arrogant and weird and kinda hypocritical and creepy (yes, creeeepy). Yuks. And he can't catch a hint. I was so damned tired the other day n he juz refused to hang up. Urghhhh.... I hate dis kinda guys. And I'm talkin to him on the msn now, despite the fact dat I put up the AWAY sign.. and now, the BUSY sign. I thought I told him I put BUSY when I'm feeling very tired and don't feel like talking.. Oh god he's such a bad listener.. See? That is precisely what I mean when I said he's self centred and pretentious. Yuks yuks yuks.... GRrr... WHY DON'T U JUZ LEAVE ME ALONE??? Sigh.. What sad sad irony.. 23rd October 2004 3.42pm " All of the moments that already passed.. We try to go back and make them last.. All of the things we want each other to be.. We never will be.. We never will be.. That's you baby, this is me, baby.. We are free in our love.." I took an illegal journey into ur heart n found dat I'm not there.. I'm tainted, despicable, guilty as hell.. I've gotta let u go.. It's time to truly let go.. Cos I dun need more proof anymore. " ..(nothing compared to) being in a relationship for 3 yrs and realising dat we dun love each other anymore.." And I'll never get over u getting over me.. So I keep running.. and I won't stop unless u tell me to.. I can't face u anymore.. 30th October 2004 1.33pm Mean letter to C (what I really wanted to say): Dear C, First of all I wan u noe dat I really appreciate it wen u told me the reason u go on msn. I understand ur desperation but i hope u understand mine too. I think u shud really go get a job or find sth to do n, for goodness' sake, get a life! U irritated me b4, n today u did it more! I wish u would leave me alone cos I really dun haf time 4 u, cos everyone has their priorities n so do I and u're definitely pretty low on my list. I dun even haf time for myself so do u tink I haf time 2 entertain u? I noe I ought to understan hw u feel, but really, do I haf to? If I were to take care of ur feelings, who would take care of mine??? And seriously, to put it bluntly, I dun regard u as my gd fren n I dun even intend to, so y shud I care? So I guess u shud start lookin else where to whine abt ur life b4 I start whining abt u to all my frenz. 4th November 2004 2.09pm I always find it flattering when pple I dunno come up 2 me n tell me they haf seen me b4. As I was exiting the DXO building, dis army guy called out to me n asked me if I was from cedar primary or BSS becos he tot I looked familiar. To tell the truth, I completely haf no recollection of him in BSS, n dat really surprised me becos I always tot I'd know anyone fr our batch if I'd seen one. Anyway, I was at the DXO building ( I tink it's the DXO building) becos it's my off day n I was there to take the weapons sys officer test. I wasn't as uptight as I usually wd becos I kept remindin myself dat it didn't matter if I flunked the test cos I was there for the experience. Seriously, I dunno wat I'd do if I passed the test.. If Mr T wanted me to stay after the probation, I tink I'd be struck by lightning if I left. Jupe kept telling me to do wat I really wanna do n not be bound by factors as such, but I dunno.. Sometimes when I'm in the line, I looked ard n wondered if I cud work in dat environment 4 yrs to come. I questioned myself many times if dat was wat I wanted, workin weird hrs with the operators, tryin to liase with the TA n MS n supervisors n bayleaders n pple frm other dept.. I dunno.. I think I shud shelf my worries for now n really start worryin only if I get a call bk.. 13th November 2004 3.59am In exactly 3 hrs' time I will have to b in the office covering shift for Ting, but I can't sleep, probably becos I slept too much yesterday. In fact, I tink I broke my own record of sleeping 13hrs' straight almost without interruption. I tink it must haf been due 2 my nite shifts earlier dis wk. Now I'm as weird as my own Sims character.. Sad, lonely, weird and sufferin frm insomnia. Right now I'm eating tastless instant noodles and drinkin DIY coffee and hoping to c someone online 2 talk to but there's no one online at dis hr.. :( Even the most likely person 2 b here isn't.. And I'm referring 2 MH of cos.. But I bet she must haf been worn out by all the fun she's getting out of hanging out w her frenz or doing her freelance stuff or playing w her cat.. And me, I juz rot at hme during Deepavali. No wait, I was sleeping half the time cos I only came hme in the morning.. And I slept more than half of my Friday also, which strictly speaking, was kinda like my sunday of the wk but then again, the comparison shud not to be confused by the fact dat my real sundays r working days rather. Ha.. I must be confusing whoever's reading this.. :p Anyway, I hope I dun do anything wrong later today.. I must be super duper extra careful since I'm probably going to be a zombie later.. Almost definitely so since my bioclock is probably gonna remind me to sleep at abt 8-9am Anyway, it's weird how one's mind (or maybe juz mine) starts to wander whenever one can't sleep. For me, it's like a kaleidoscope of the past and present unfolding in my mind in a messy, disorganized manner and, no matter hw hard I try I can't push them away.. As I was lying in bed juz now, mostly unhappy memories came flooding in.. Strangely, I can't remember much of the happy things as much as I wanted to.. I juz knew dat I was probably happy in the past but I juz can't remember anything in particular dat could make me smile. And all I remember so clearly are pain, hurt, betrayal and all the lies dat I've been told.. And hw foolish and naive I must haf been.. so much so dat makes me want to hide my head under the pillow and diffuse into my bed. In a way, I feel glad dat I can forever put my past behind me, but I juz dunno wat to expect abt the future. I mean, I dunno wat I want out of life, I dunno wat to expect of it. The thing is, I've set my mind never to fall in love again, but if I dun look fwd to finding love, I dunno wat else to look fwd to.. I guess I shudn't tink too much again.. Focus on my career! Focus on my family! Focus on MONEY! And perhaps, maybe love will find me.. Dat is provided I ain't hiding in the production line when it comes a-knocking.. Oh.. I juz rem something.. Last sat I went out w XY, IY n SY to watch Shark's Tale. I actually regretted buyin the tix becos realised I didn't really wanna go out w them. I tink most part of it due to the fact dat I didn't really wanna c IY. The movie was not v gd, and after dat we went 2 a place called the Settler's Cafe at Clark Quay area to join NL and Wn for some board games (except SY cos she was meetin her frenz). I didn't feel much like talking already, and with the other 2 ard, I was even more quiet. Somehow, even IY seemed 2 be on such gd terms with them, I felt so out of place. I never knew I was capable of being so anti-social, so reserved. Was I not being myself, or have I changed? I dunno.. I know dat NL n Wn were nice 2 try 2 make me comfortable, esp the former who actually tried 2 make conversation by talking abt CM, but I juz knew we couldn't click. Maybe I shud haf tried harder, but I was too lazy.. Or maybe I was too scared to get out of my comfort zone, too afraid dat pple will start judging me, or fearful of negative responses.. I dunno when I've become such a scaredy cat.. Hmm.. Reminds me of my neighbour's dodgy cat. 18th November 2004 6.46am Tink my bioclock is pretty screwed up. I came bk frm my nite shift yest morning, and went to play basketball for abt half an hr. After shower I went online 4 a while, and went 2 bed at abt 11am. I woke up panicking at abt 7.40pm becos I was late for dinner w the insurance agent. Later at nite I turned in at abt 1am, and juz now I woke up at 5am and couldn't sleep anymore. Sigh.. I'm sure i'll be tired later.. And I haf to go to work on my off day! Sigh. Anyway, I'm pretty bothered by the fact that the co's clocking system showed dat I was still in normal shift and dat I had a couple of unauthorised absence(UA) on my off days. Gosh.. I really gotta speak w Mr T later abt dis.. I dunno y there're so many issues regarding dis kinda nitty gritty stuff.. I mean, shouldn't all these be taken care of by the HR of a huge MNC? God.. y do I haf to worry over payroll issues? If I did OT and u r suppose to pay me according, for goodness' sake PAY ME! I can't stand the co's apparent reluctance to honour my OT. Really pisses me off big time. " I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind.. I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time... You're still with me in my dreams.. "   5th May 2005 3.04am Have I mentioned feeling ultra-low in morale at work? During the meeting today, I was shot "left and right" (as they like to put it) and all over the place. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm really cut out for the job I'm in. Detail-oriented I'm never gonna be.. I know it's my fault, I know I can't hit the ground running fast enough.. In fact, I think when I did hit the ground, I took a pretty long time getting up, and when I finally did, I was still limping! Oh god.. I really can't keep up with the pace and workload that I'm given.. I don't think I've ever felt this useless before. U know, at one point of the meeting I wanted to scream " I WANT TO GO HP!" as Terence and Tony piled up the pressure on me. I wanted to shout out at them that if all of them thought I couldn't live up to their expectations, I might as well leave.. Oh god.. If u were really fair, then everyone wouldhaf some kind of talent to counter their shortcomings right? Why do I possess all the bad qualities, and WHERE IS MY TALENT?! Tell ME, what on earth am I actually gd at? So many a times I wanted to cry.. Terence implied that I was too slow.. At 6mths old I shouldn't say "I don't Know" anymore! But the truth is, I DON'T KNOW! And they tried to tell me I had to find it out myself, or pretend to know everything. I thought I could be honest w them cos they were my colleagues, but now I realised they weren't really my allies, and I truly had been naive. Eugene was as angry as I, but he didn't blame me, surprisingly. I apologised as we walked out of the building, and he told me I wasn't to be blamed. He was just trying to be nice I know. Oh god, I just dunno when I'll ever grow up. What if I never will? And when will I stop complaining? I dunno why I complain so much.. In comparison nobody seemed to complain this much. I dun really believe it when Terence told me I was doing well. If I did, he wouldn't have jumped at me so often. Why? I thought I tried my best! Which will only mean that my "best" is definitely "not enough", in Chong's own words. Oh god.. It's so difficult to stay afloat.. I know I shouldn't let it bother me negatively, but I can't help but dwell on it.. I didn't even dare telling WL. Not with her family problems.. I really dun wan to load her with my own problems. I need to show her that I can take care of my problems, or rather, I need to learn to take care of my own problems!   5th May 2005 12.15pm I'm going to office later to settle my outstanding projects. I hope Terence doesn't give me more work. If the normal shift pple start asking me for help, I'm not gonna render any. I have every reason to do so, cos I'm already lagging behind my schedule, and Terence has been hounding me for results. I really dread going back.. When I told WL how I felt, she told me to be professional abt it and be cool. I wish things were this easy. Sure, with my level of maturity, how hard could it possibly be? :/ Oh god oh god, I wish I could talk to someone abt it, yet on the other hand, I wish I could handle it more effectively myself. I guess I really should heed WL's advice and stop thinking so much abt it. And it's time to learn to be a hypocrite to protect myself, like what Jupe said. How I wish it's 30th of May already..   21st June 2005 2.34pm It's our 6 month anniversary today, but we broke up. It may really be for our own good. Maybe it's really the "best" time to break up now.   14th October 2005 6.28am For the record, we've patched up and broke up and patched up again.. I dare say we won't be having another big fight in a long time to come.. I hope. I've got the sunrise pic I took in Vietnam as the wallpaper.. And as I stared at it when my pc froze for no apparent reason, I suddenly recalled how I probably felt when I took the pic, and felt kinda nostalgic. It was a tired feeling, somewhat similar to how I'm feeling now, since I've woken up 2 and a half hrs ago and haven't slept since. I remember I was still trying to get over my last breakup then.. I guess going away was a good way to get over things.. It's strange how I always liked to recollect the "getting over it" part.. I probably I think too much.. Coming in 2nd doesn't really matter.. In fact, it's probably normal. As long as I don't come in last, I guess.. 16th October 2005 4.11am I remember.. My first heart break.. How I cried painfully in the shower, feeling so damned cold.. Teeth chattering, body trembling uncontrollably.. Tears streaming as the cold water battered on my face.. I thought I was gonna die.. I can never ever forget.. I'm so scared.. Will the same happen again this time? The fortune teller seemed to be telling us something.. Are we nearing the end already? I can't bring myself to retrieve the teddy bear from the storeroom, cos god knows when we're fighting again, god knows when it's really The End.. I don't want to torture myself in this way.. Sometimes I feels so angry. Sometimes I feel that it's so unfair. I ask myself repeatedly if this is what I want. I wondered if this is what I deserved. It isn't fair. It really isn't. And we're not going anywhere. But.. " Yeah she caught my eye, as I walked on by. She could see on my face that I was flying high. I don't think that I'll see her again, but we shared a moment that will last 'til the end.. And I don't know what to do, cos I'll never be with you.. " "But it's time to face the truth: I will never be with you." -- James Blunt 16th November 2005 9.50am I am amazed at myself. Sometimes I find myself intriguing, that I don't even know myself. Probably due to my ego again, I thought I was pretty nice. Which is why I was so surprised how fast I could fall for one person, at my own infidelity. In my own defence I conjured that neglect was the main propeller. But still, I think it's unforgivable. The problem is, I couldn't help it. Proximity to the new interest made it even harder. I tried to avoid it, but I was too weak.. And it went on for abt two weeks.. And then an interesting turn of events today probably changed things. I decided to take the company bus thinking that that person would be there, and I was spot-on. We chatted all the way to Punggol and I realised there was so much we had in common. I'm sure breakfast together would have ensued after the journey if he didn't have to work the next day. Anyway, from the conversation I knew it was impossible between us, though I could swear he felt something for me too, the way he looked at me as I walked out of the fab to return to office at the end of the day, everyday. If he didn't, our eyes wouldn't have instinctively met.. and I wouldn't have caught him looking at me sometimes. Maybe I had imagined it all. Ok, probably it was only a figment of my imagination. Perhaps, like the others, he only found me cute, or funny, in the clownish sense. Sigh.. Anyway, I shall not think about it anymore. I must not think about it anymore. It'll only be detrimental to my current relationship.. I don't wany history to repeat itself again.. 25th April 2006 5.22pm I just don't understand. I just don't understand. I have been told that adhering to my principles was wrong. I have been told that I'm too stubborn, that I will be stepping on everyone else's toes if I don't stop being me. but I just don't understand. Isn't it my job to keep things in order, to right things when they're wrong? Why did she frown upon what I did, why didn't she support my decisions? Is it true that I make bad decisions? And why does she have so little faith in me for getting that job? Do I really suck that bad? Why did she not even bother coming up with a white lie? I'm really confused.. Was I wrong? Am I wrong?? What's wrong with me?? oh god Oh god.. I'm worried.. I'm worried.. I'm going to that place again for interview, and I can remember the last time I screwed it up so bad I whined about it here too. I'm scared.. Nobody's here for me to confide in.. I feel so alone.. I just wanted to be fact-based. I just wanted things to be right. I just wanted to do my job, and others to do theirs. Angry.. I'm so angry.. Tired.. I'm so tired.. "I tried to be perfect It just wasn’t worth it Nothing could ever be so wrong It’s hard to believe me It never gets easy I guess I knew that all along If you believe it’s in my soul I’d say all the words that I know Just to see if it would show That I'm trying to let you know That I’m better off on my own" 24th June 2006 1.08am I feel so scared.. If I come up with a less than perfect Bangkok Tour, I know something is gonna happen. At the very least, I think LG will quarrel with me. But things aren't supposed to be this way. Trips abroad are supposed to be fun. The responsibility of making it fun lies all on me. She made it clear that I better not screw things up. I guess that's why I had nightmares that night. Sometimes, I wonder if we're mismatched. LG doesn't understand why I couldn't understand her, couldn't put myself in her shoes. I wonder too, why she couldn't see she was hurting me with the things she said. It never failed to absolutely confuse me thereafter, for I wouldn't say those things to someone I loved. She said she needed someone who could look out and after her, someone who could make decisions for her, support her mentally and financially(I guess). Verbally and psychologically, she cornered me and made me admit I failed in all departments. To her, I will always be a failure. I will always be the weak one, the feeble one. I can never sing as well as others. I can never work as hard as others. I can never work as well as others. I can never be as smart. I can never fix a PC. I can never do things well. I always fail. ALWAYS. I'm the one with the fractured personality, flawed character. The loser. Most of all, she made me say it: I am NOT THE ONE. Oh.. no I can't cry! If I cried it will be a sign of weakness! But oh god, I am weak! I can never meet her expectations. I will always be falling short. I can never understand her. I think our relationship is doomed. Lose sleep if I must, I cannot fail in the planning of the impending trip. Who knows, it may be our last trip together. Our last outing. When tears mean nothing.. 15th July 2006 2.30am In a little while from now If I'm not feeling any less sour I promise myself to treat myself And visit a nearby tower And climbing to the top will throw myself off In an effort to make it clear to whoever What it's like when you're shattered Left standing in the lurch at a church Where people saying: "My God, that's tough" "She stood him up" "No point in us remaining" "We may as well go home" As I did on my own Alone again, naturally To think that only yesterday I was cheerful, bright and gay Looking forward to who wouldn't do The role I was about to play? But as if to knock me down Reality came around And without so much as a mere touch Cut me into little pieces Leaving me to doubt Talk about God in His mercy Who if He really does exist Why did He desert me? In my hour of need I truly am indeed Alone again, naturally It seems to me that there are more hearts Broken in the world that can't be mended Left unattended What do we do? What do we do? Alone again, naturally Looking back over the years And whatever else that appears I remember I cried when my father died Never wishing to hide the tears And at sixty-five years old My mother, God rest her soul Couldn't understand why the only man She had ever loved had been taken Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken Despite encouragement from me No words were ever spoken And when she passed away I cried and cried all day Alone again, naturally Alone again, naturally 2nd September 2006 4:17am Oh god, oh god.. I can't sleep. I'm scared. I miss her.. I think I'm regretting my decision, yes, right at this very moment I regret leaving. Maybe I can never see her again. Even if I do, I can't talk to her.. I can't call her, I can't do anythng about.. I worry the "mould-hill" dispute that escalated into a "mountain" issue will reach her. That will further affirm her belief.. And yeah, I do care about what she thinks. And I know I'm so selfish.. I don't know how much I still love LG..I'm sorry, LG.. On the day I last saw her, I sat beside her in the bus. I knew she was somehow angry with me, but I didn't know why. I nudged her to talk to me, but she refused to yield. Then it was in the beginning of the bus journey, her hp started to ring. She picked up. I think a guy was on the other end. He asked where she was, she replied she was in the bus. She returned the question in kind, he said he was at the bus stop. I don't quite remember what they said later, because I think my mind was reeling. I think it was that guy she mentioned about the other day. The one who asked her to be his gf. Then she told me she didn't reply to his SMS, but neither did she delete the SMS, though she insisted she wasn't going to give the relationship a try. A good husband, she said, he was gonna be. Anyway, as I sat there, I think.. I was heart broken. After she hung up, none of us spoke. I was speechless; my inner self was chiding me, mocking me at my naiveness. Perhaps a redeeming thought, but maybe she was trying to spite me? Maybe she was giving up on me. Yes, I know she felt something for me, and she knew I felt the same way too, becos when I saw her home that day, she wanted me to admit I was sad when we parted. To think I might not see those eyes It makes it so hard not to cry And as we say our long goodbyes I nearly do. We remained quiet for the rest of the journey, and that kaypo WJ, who happened to be somewhere near us, must have wondered what happened to us. As I alighted, I bade goodbye to her gently. Her head remained turned to the other side and refused to acknowledge me. When I got home, I received an angry SMS from her. She asked me what I saw in LG that made me follow her incessantly. I didn't reply. She sent another SMS later and said she was sorry for bothering me. I didn't reply that either. The last SMS she sent was a heart-wrenching one. She said she was never important to anyone, and that she felt she was a failure. I replied that she wasn't, but didn't know what else I could say that wouldn't give her the false hope of us ever being able to be together. Sometimes, I feel like bursting, ending the suppression of my feelings for her. But the prospect of having to break up with LG stopped me. Afterall, we can never be together even if LG isn't in the picture. She's way older than me, hasn't got many years to waste on a morbid relationship! I couldn't help but SMS her two days ago. The sky was dark and a storm was ongoing. I previously took a peek at the OT booklet and knew she would be working on that day. It occurred to me that maybe she didn't bring a brolly, so I SMSed her, asking if she needed one and that I could pass mine to her when I reach my office. I was throwing LG's ultimatum to the wind..She replied curtly that that was unnecessary, and that I should stop my concern for her. So she didn't turn up for OT, which made it two out of two days that she was absent for extra income in G2. As I wondered why, I replied her with a simple "Ok" so that it wouldn't give her a clue to how I felt. Then I tried to sound upbeat and said it was a gd thing she didn't turn up for work, else even with my jacket and brolly she was gonna get wet like I was. She insisted I stopped minding her business, that we had gone our separate ways. I didn't reply to that. The company has introduced a bus to go Hgg specifically, snd so we will never take the same bus home again. I think it is fate. Heaven's will. I hope all turns out well for her and that guy.. Run I’ll sing it one last time for you Then we really have to go You’ve been the only thing that’s right In all i’ve done. And I can barely look at you But every single time I do I know we’ll make it anywhere Away from here Light up, Light up As if you have a choice Even if you cannot hear my voice I’ll be right beside you dear Louder, louder And we’ll run for our lives I can hardly speak I understand Why you can’t raise your voice to say To think I might not see those eyes It makes it so hard not to cry And as we say our long goodbyes I nearly do. Light up, light up As if you have a choice Even if you cannot hear my voice I’ll be right beside you dear Louder, louder And we’ll run for our lives I can hardly speak I understand Why you can’t raise your voice to say Slower, slower We don’t have time for that All I want is to find an easier way To get out of our little heads Have heart my dear We’re bound to be afraid Even if it’s just for a few days Making up for all this mess Light up, light up As if you have a choice Even if you cannot hear my voice I’ll be right beside you dear. 24th November 2006 5.27am I just had some very nice Tom Yam soup left over from Jupe's dinner, and am now wonderfully sipping the horrendously over-priced coke. LG has gone home for a while and will be back in a month's time. Kind of like a break for both of us. But the strange thing is, we call each other at least once every day.. Somehow I started to sms W again. I think it was out of sheer boredom. Ok, I admit I missed her when I saw her handwriting at rediff. I was amazed that she was allocated to that post, and couldn't resist smsing her to inquire more about it. She promptly replied and we started chatting, which was when she openly hinted that her birthday was coming (23rd Nov). I felt guilty for forgetting about it entirely and apologised profusely. The following day, still on night shift, I felt bored to tears as FX started acting strange and cold again and refused to talk to me in particular(this is another story.. let's see if I'll ever get to it). I wanted very much to call LG, but I remembered promising her to give her more space. The last thing I wanted was her wanting to flee from me again(this is also another story to be told..). Starting to feel the sting from her words again, I picked up the phone and tried to call W, but I couldn't remember the numbers anymore. Just as I was trying the combinations, I received an sms from W herself, asking me if I was in the line. And the old chinese saying went thru my head. I called her and we chatted until something cropped up in the line and I had to go. Before we did, I tried asking her out for her birthday but there wasn't a date I picked that she liked. Did I feel guilty about it? Yes, I did. I told myself we were on a break, and we promised each other to move on if we could. But when LG called later that night, I felt immensely guilty.. Then yesterday morning, as I was handing over to the next shift, she called from the line. She wanted to hear me wish her "happy birthday", which I took it as an invitation to ask her out again. I suggested we go out after her shift that day, but she said no hesitantly. I tried to take advantage of her hesitation and smsed her the details of my dinner plans. When I woke up in the evening, I saw no replies from her. I thought it quite impossible that she'd missed out the smses I sent, becos, afterall, it was her birthday and I speculated that anyone would, from time to time, check their hps on a day like that. I further deduced that her no-reply meant consent, dressed up and gel-ed my hair nicely and left my house at about 7.10pm. As I walked towards the road junction in front of my house, I called her just to make sure she got my messages. Then she picked up, said she was tired from having worked the whole day, and was feeling sick. I didn't let her know where I was, cos in a way, I wanted her to feel guilty. I didn't and still don't believe her story about not seeing my smses. I think she didn't even apologise. Later, contradictingly worried she might feel guilty about it, I smsed her to tell her not to feel bad about it. There was no reply. I think I was such a fool. Determined not to waste my hair-gel, I headed for hougang mall anyway. Coincidently, I bumped into WJ(haha, funny that I met the other W instead) and chatted a bit. She was going home so I didn't ask her to have dinner with me. Refusing to feel sorry about myself, I called the ever-game-for-anything IY. Soon we were having a quiet dinner at Pepperlunch and had very nice hamburger steak. My life is filled with uncertainty and confusion right now. The stupid company came up with a new organisational structure that seems like end of the road for me. My boss now takes over two fabs, when he already had so much trouble with one. I don't know which is worse, he asking me to go to the other fab that he's in charge, or him choosing someone he doesn't know much about over me to be the leader of the shift. Ok, maybe the new HOD pushed for it, but I bet he had more say. I don't care anyway. I just want to blame him. Ok, let me list the pros and cons of working here: Pros: 1)The money, undeniably, is better than other industries for my degree 2)I'm relatively comfortable with it right now, now that I've learnt the basics enough for me to literally sleep and yet get the job done 3)I get many off days! 4)I will miss some of my colleagues if I left, probably jeopardizing my already-strained relationship with LG Cons: 1)There's simply no prospect for me here, with the backward technology, no sane company from the same industry will want me. The same goes for the bosses, having nowhere to go, are definitely here to stay til retirement. 2)My value depreciates each day I remain where I am; the longer I stay, the harder it is for me to get out 3)I will need to take a hefty paycut, start from square one. 4)Definitely at least 5 day work-week 5)My boss has already marked me. I made the wrong move letting him know how unhappy I was. I have already burnt my bridges. The bad impression will stay unless I do something drastically positive, which will involve lots of effort, and yet with no guarantees of success. 6)No interest in the industry 7)Cold, unfeeling and unappreciative management and bosses. 8)Pathetic bonuses and pay-rises that are not enough to beat inflation. 9)No sense of belonging working on shifts, not enough recognition and responsibilities bestowed. 10)Shift work is definitely detrimental to health(see what I'm doing at this hour??). 11)I'm become lazier and increasingly spoilt by the day, and my hunger for new knowledge has waned.. And the list goes on forever..   5th January 2007 9.35am It's a new year! I am single! As I counted down in my sleep on the 31st of december 2006, Jupe woke me up enthusiastically to wish me happy new year. In a distance, I could hear people counting down, probably in a party. How fun, I thought to myself, mumbled happy new year back to Jupe, and drifted back to sleep. There's no better start to the year than to have an incessant stalker, and a terrible diarrhea. Yes, you heard it right. I have a stalker. Maybe I have exaggerated things. After going out for a movie on the saturday of X'mas weekend, she went berserk again. We watched "Night at the Museum" by Ben Stiller at Grand Cathay. I wanted our possible first "date" to be perfect. In fact, in my mind, I thought I just might date her if things worked out. Well, it's really easy. I know she likes me. A kiss during the movie would do the job. But I didn't. I couldn't. I kept thinking of LG. I yearned for her constantly, more so when she came back from home. I wanted desperately for her to be beside me then instead of W, so I could kiss her without so much as to worry about the repercussions, so I could kiss her and let her know that she was mine and I loved her. But how stupid was I? She knew how much I loved her, but she left anyway. I've heard enough sorries. No more sorries. I don't want to hear any of it. Just get out of my life. Anyway, as usual, I have digressed. Like a normal date, I bought the popcorns. She seemed disappointed I didn't get the tix myself(I asked Jupe to buy for me)After the movie, it was near 11:30m. I asked her if wanted supper, and I was thinking of Kopitiam. We went there on our first date too.. We had Ba Cho Mee, She couldn't finish it and gave a big portion to me.. I told her we could take a walk by the river after supper. That was where we had our first kiss, where I taught her how to kiss. She was so clumsy, yet so eager to learn, and so passionate..I wish that night would never end.. And I know the memory of it all will be deeply etched in my heart, even if she doesn't remember any of it anymore.. I'm such a loser. I suppressed the overwhelming thoughts but W noticed that I was distracted. Suddenly she asked me about the timing of the last train back home. I took it as a hint that she wanted to go home before then, so I asked her if she wanted to do so. She said ok, so we caught what I thought was the last train back, skipping supper. I supposed she was feeling tired as she had worked that day(she met me after work). On our way back, she asked me about my friends, about how late we hung out usually. I said pretty late, sometimes 2-3am, because there were 3-4 of us and sharing cab would be cheap. Little did I know she was comparing herself to them. I didn't know it until when I called/SMS her later did I realise she was upset we ended the day so early. I explained but she was beyond reasoning, as usual. She demanded I tell her my xin shi, I thought she was crazy. She hung up on me, I ignored her and watched "Death Note" cartoon with Jupe. Later, my hp rang and it was her. I ignored her. Soon there were like 6 missed calls and plenty of SMSes, alternating between anger and sadness. For the next few days, the situation continued. The worst thing of it all is that I left my jacket with her, and I don't know when I can ever get it back. She seems intent to keep it with her for as long as she could. My god.. Last night, at around 8:30pm, IY called me asking me out for dinner. Her all-time best friend cancelled on her at the eleventh hour due to work commitments. Unfortunately I just came out from the shower and it was a rainy day. The last thing I wanted to do was to get myself dirty. Actually, I felt really guilty for not being able to return her the favour, 'cos afterall, she met me up when I was stood up by W. Anyway, luckily she wasn't mad at me. She called me again later near midnight and we chatted a bit. She asked me a very memorable question: In my past 3 relationships, who do I love most? I pondered for a while. It is really unfair to ask me this question at this time. Of course my answer would be the one in the last relationship. I guess it's impossible to compare, yet I know that when I meet someone new in future, this question will definitely come back to me again. H never asked me this question though, maybe she just didn't care. A special mention here for my dad, who passed away on Friday, 8th December 2006, 6:18pm. We were all there at his death bed in the ICU in TTSH. He was unconscious then, his fragile life sustained by a machine. His blood just couldn't absorb the oxygen the docs were giving him; his body was not cooporating with the strongest antibodies injected into him. His heart stopped twice prior to this. The docs resuscitated him just long enough for us to gather around him. QY, Sis, Mum, Bee, Jupe, the kids and I were heading back home on QY's Wish when Hong called us on our phone for us to get back asap. She was crying. It was the worst moment of my life. QY wanted to make sure it wasn't a false alarm again, but my sis wanted us to get back. I was torn. I don't know what to do, what to say. Another call came and I don't remember who it was but it was urgent. By then, we already reached Hougang. QY sped all the way to the hospital. It was perhaps the first time I've ever seen him speed, honking at any vehicle in the way. Mum laughed. I was angry and punched the front seat, dropping my handphone below the car seat. I shall not recount too much of that uneventful day, and the ordeal getting my dad to the hospital, heartless, indifferent people I met along the way. People kept asking me, hey, what happened to him? I couldn't tell them it was my inaction that caused his lung infection to go undetected and untreated. I was afraid people start judging me. LG knew, she blamed me for it. I can never forget how she broke down when I told her about my dad's passing. I don't know why I didn't cry during his wake. Maybe I was relieved that he was gone. Maybe I was happy the maid was gone. Maybe it just didn't register that he was gone. I kept having this feeling that he'd just gone out for a walk. Maybe when he was alive, he wasn't around at home most of the time. But I know I will definitely miss him during our reunion dinner this year.. In the past, before his retirement(and even after), we would always prepare food in advance. We would always try our best not to make him angry, making sure the floor was dry, the food was prepared according to his standard. He would always promise to come home before 7pm, and we would wait eagerly for him to come back. By then, the abalone soup will be boiling, and all of us would be famished. I loved reunion dinners more than any other things. I couldn't help but think she left me just when I needed her most..   7th March 2007 12:32pm "Someday I might find myself looking in your eyes.. But for now, we'll go on living separate lives.."   8th June 2007 1.35am I cannot sleep. It's probably because of the night shift effect. Gov.SG called me today for a second interview, and I don't really know I should feel happy or sad. In a way, I'm terrified. I'm so scared of change. I think of all the things that may or are gonna change and I'm not sure if I want them to. I know the working hours are gonna be longer, the work is going to be more tiring, stressful, demanding. They are going to pay a lot less too. I won't be able to see LG as often as I want to. I probably won't be able to see W ever again. But you know what? I just gotta leave this place. I really cannot picture myself still working in this company 5 years down the road. What do I hope to become? Senior engineer, "normal" shift "technical specialist"? It's really time to go though I'm reallly gonna miss some people. I know I'm gonna miss the off days, the easy OT money and the freedom to do my own stuff during night shifts. W came for OT this week. On the first day I didn't know to talk to her after telling her how I felt for her in a brief, impulsive sms the other day. I was actually a little drunk from drinking Dome, so perhaps that was how I got the courage. I said in the sms was that I had been suppressing some of my feelings towards her, that I cared for her more than I was letting her know. There was no reply then. Maybe there was a chance she didn't get what I meant in the sms. Maybe she chose not to believe me and thought I was trying to sweet talk her. She wasn't there waiting with her good friend for the company transport. Later I heard she took a cab home instead, citing that she was very tired. I guess she wanted to avoid me, but didn't know I no longer waited at the same place. On the second day, she came for work again. This time LG had arranged her to work in another bay. She had explained to me that it wasn't deliberate, knowing I might think she did it on purpose. I didn't think much about this arrangement, but as I saw her work in the very hot bay, my heart ached. I wanted to talk to her, but when I looked at her she was always avoiding eye contact with me and I couldn't think of anything to say. I took a quick look at the hydrograph and saw 30degC. Frustrated, I scoured for wacker boxes and stuck them at the door leading to the grey area such that it was wide open. Then, I moved over to the door at another area and did the same thing. She saw me did it, and I wonder if she thought anything about it. Then, I deliberated over whether to call my boss about the horrible condition in the bay, but decided to send an email instead in case she wanted to halt the production and LG might blow up learning my intention. I was in the company bus chatting with one of my OT girls, when i saw her waiting with her friend outside the company. I was glad. Perhaps she wanted to stop avoiding me. Or perhaps she was lazy to go over the other side to wait. Whatever the reason was, I was glad I could at least see her. About 10 minutes later, her bus cruise pass mine, and I saw her doing the same thing as I was --I was looking for her in her bus, and I saw she was looking for me in mine! Then again, maybe she was looking for other people. Anyway, last week, she was feeling upset over the mistake committed during work and I promised her I'd settle it promptly, which I did. On the very next day I received an sms from her thanking me.   20th October 2007 2.44am Yes, a new entry finally, and as u've probably guessed, I am depressed right now. Changes aplenty, I dunno where to start.. Ok, let me start with my job. Yes, now I'm officially working at GOV.SG. All that I have previously feared have happened, like a nightmare that came true. It all started with the 3D2N chalet. I could sense the distance between us. Barely beyond the first day, I knew our relationship was doomed. I will not go into the painful details. I cannot say that I didn't try hard enough;I think I did the best that I could. Again apparently, the best of me was not enough. There she went berserk and almost never looked back. I say "almost" here becos just a week ago in a rare display of weakness she asked me if I'd take her back if she changed her mind. I think it's becos things didn't seem to work out for her and the guy. I hesitated becos I was scared. Of course I was scared that she was just toying with the idea. I was afraid she would regret the very next day and hurt me again. She even told me she felt most comfortable with me. Anyway when we met two days ago I ruined it all by being jealous again. Can't blame me cos she behaved so cold towards me. I think it's becos she suddenly flip-flopped back to her other self again. I think it's crazy. I feel so used. I dun wanna get into this stupid whirlpool of depression again. God help me.. Yes part of me hopes she'd come back again becos I know miracles do happen, but part of me just hates her so bad. You shud have heard the way she tried to hurt me. You shud have heard the coldness in the voice. It's like when she feels strong she could just say whatever she wans just to hurt me. And when she needs me she asks me things like whether I would still take care of her etc just to make me weak in the knees again.. Oh god I'm tired, scared and everything.. I want to run away but I dun wanna leave her knowing maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance with her...... Am I stupid or what? She was obviously trying to two-time me with the guy..I just have to forget her.. She's just selfish.. She wasn't there when dad passed away, didn't ask me abt it when she came back. She doesn't care abt me, doesn't care if I hurt myself, doesn't care if I cry.. She said I was wasting her time keeping her in this relationship to nowhere, she said she doesn't love me anymore. Now I think she's also wasting my time. I mean K has a gf and they're so happy together, why can't I find someone who loves me as much? I cannot love someone who treats me only as an option. I cannot love someone who loves herself more than she loves me. She'll leave SGP in a few yrs' time, I'll be wasting my time on her. I need to start finding someone who truly loves me for who I am, who appreciates what I do, and won't see my presence as being optional..I don't want to cry so hard so much anymore. I'm really very tired.. W has disappeared from my life. As a friend, she's one of the biggest shock and disappointment. I cannot help but believe she was close to me just becos I was the engineer. Malaysians, I hate them. You really cannot judge a book by it's cover. I have long deleted her from my contact list. Oh, and so have I deleted LG's. I wish I could delete everything about her from my memory.. " When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight.." When you go, would you have the guts to say "I don't love you like I loved you yesterday."   12th April 2008 2.46am Yes, great news here: We're still apart. Haha. Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't use the word "still". We are apart. No question about it. And no questions either about whether we're ever going to get back together because we're never going to. Yes, I know at one point we started keeping in contact again, primary due to my moment of weakness again. She broke up with him momentarily and it just happened to be my birthday blah blah blah. So on my birthday she broke my heart again, left me crying at the very place we used to kiss and hug. Me alone. Crying in the midst of some messy upgrading programme. And she never ever came back. And for this only I should be hating her forever. Yes,I was naive when I told IY that I thought she still had a thing for me. I had obviously misread all the damn signs. I should have known better that after so so so long she should have already gotten used to not having me around, forgotten what the hell I was about. Which was a very very good reason for her not to want me back, after all the hell we went thru' trying to break up. It's so easy to stay apart now. We are already doing stuff without each other, not talking on the phone to each other, do every damn thing without telling each other. She has him. HIM HIM HIM. And me? Sorry, but I can nevr love you. Sorry but I don't love you anymore. I wish I still love you because it will make things so much easier but the truth is I really have no feelings for you anymore, except guilt towards jilting you. You're like a dream and he's the reality. I'M A WHAT?? When the hell have I become a fictional character? Are U F****** telling me that EVERYTHING ABOUT US NEVER HAPPENED? I must have given her fake diamonds, paper laptop, hell-notes every week. I am IMAGINARY, FICTITIOUS, UNREAL. And for all these, I only have myself to blame. For wanting only the best for her, for never wanting her to feel lonely, never wanting her to be unhappy, and for loving her.. But you know what hurts the most? I know that if I close my eyes, my heart will lead me to her, but she.... really really doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't love me anymore. After all I've done for her. After all I've done for her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her............. I feel like dying sometimes.. But I don't know where I'd go if I do and that makes me feel scared. But it hurts so much sometimes.. But most times I'm really ok now. But I still miss her and I still want her.. Oh god I want her.......... Can you heal me, rid me of all thoughts about her? Can I just have some kind of amnesia, that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I won't remember a thing about her? Oh god can you help me? Can you help me? I want my life to be peaceful again.. I don't want to love her when I wake up in the morning...