So so so having a nic fit right now. I was having a really hard time even *starting* to stop smoking this time. I really need to focus myself and lose the whole "must smoke whilst on the road" mindset. I swear next time I might not be able to quit, not ever again...

And I'm getting older. It takes something like 20 years before your lungs ever repair themselves completely...

Uuuuugggggghhhhhh....want SMOKE! 

But I've held on for four days so far with no relapse...not about to give in now, not again. 

*Sigh* You ever want something to make you feel pathetic...try picking up the habit and going through start/stop cycles for over six years. I don't have enough fingers, or probably even toes too, to count the number of journal entries I've written on that topic.

An old school of thought would be that now is a bad time to quit--what with all the drama...but I think I'm going to abandon that crutch. Now is a GOOD time to quit...diverts my attention from the drama and forces me to concentrate on keeping my fingers out of the loose change recepticle, from counting out $3.50, and then from walking downstairs to the candy machine (which just so conveniently sells smokes as well...smokes with a silver band on the box that says "tax exempt, for export only").

Today was a very long day. I pulled headcount at the DFAC (1/1 opened a small chow hall after 9/11 for all the personal rolling through...i never eat there.) for Nico today (the guy who had ortho on his shoulder..."nico" is a nickname)...which meant an extra four and a half hours of work and no time outside the 1st of the 1st compound (since I was working through lunch), affectionately called the "Box" due to the lack of windows...Apeshitness was threatening so I took off down to the SCUBA locker to get my tank refilled after the lunch session...where I just so happened to run into the Trial Counsel, funny enough. 

Anyway, today, as I was finally leaving after an ever so exciting round of 25 whole dinner patrons (at least there was cheesecake today...good cheesecake at that) in an hour and a half, at 1800, it was raining. I was happy to see the rain. In fact, not just happy...I was excited, joyful. I was actually depressed that i had parked my car so close.

And then, when my car didn't start because I'd left the lights on, I was even MORE excited that I got to walk home in the rain.

It's been many years since walking in the rain felt so good.

I had planned to go to the gym tonight but I was just too tired...and we're doing a long run tomorrow. Being as how today's workout was to make up for missing yesterday, that meant doing legs. That meant tomorrow's long run would REALLY REALLY suck. So I stayed home and watched movies on Star instead. Star is sort of like HBO or Showtime...I think it comes from Australia or England or something...not sure. Point is we get it here.

I've been rethinking my financial planning a bit today too. I did up a budget last night and wasn't happy with my projected liquid assets this time next year. What I am thinking of doing, instead of completely paying off all my credit cards, only pay the lowest rate one down to about half. Then I can bank the money instead and have it for settling down/moving expenses...and if things don't go as well as I hope, living expenses...Of course I'd still have to make a monthly payment, but I'd have plenty of cash in the bank to not worry about one more bill...and that little cushion would go a LONG way towards settling my nerves.

Theoretically...i could pay it all off and then use the full line of credit for emergencies...but all this debt snowballed from that exact same philosophy back in college...when i basically LIVED off my credit cards until i maxed them out...I think a $25 interest fee or so per month is worth the peace of mind that only cold hard cash provides. 

current mood:  weird
current music: Counting Crows _Recovering the Satelites_  
 

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