GOt through staff duty without getting sick. I think i was just really tired wednesday...or something. i dunno. l is there such a thing as 24 hour mono?

Been a lot of activity lately on lj but I've been unusually indifferent. maybe it was the being tired thing and having staff duty again or i dunno...it's not as if I don't care about people's lives or anything...it's just that i haveven't really felt like reading up on the day to day details of everyone the last couple days. It's a phase--comes and goes.

Part of that phase is an unwillingness to post much of substance myself. I'm off to pay my ISP bill at camp foster. 
 

10:01p - Everyone's drunk! 
I check lj and the three friends entries since i last checked where all women talking about being drunk and/or horny. How amusing...especially since I TOO am drinking right now.

Jeesh...at least it's friday night for me!

D and I are planning to go out around midnight or so. I've got nothing to do tomorrow so the late start is just fiiiinnnnne with me. He was over for about an hour or so already...during which i subjegated him to a few drunken comments about new years in thailand and some time up in mainland...and most of _Clerks_...

I don't know if it's because (and not trying to be racist) it's "white" humor, strange humor, or it takes my sort of weird humor (most likely a combo of the three) but he didn't enjoy it a whole lot apparently. His loss if you ask me...

I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy it is friday. I seriously need this down time. Staff duty wasn't too horrible...i didn't have nearly as much driving time to kill me, and, since it was a normal weekday (thursday) I had PLENTY of things to occupy the "business hours" with...i still have a nice little stack of paperwork awaiting me monday morning...

i was able to get out of bed around noon this time, and get something out of the day. Paid my ISP bill, picked up some booze (i haven't seen weinhards around here for *ages*...and i seriously needed some whiskey as my last bottle of dickel won't last much longer if i keep forgetting/neglecting to save it for special occasions...) and splurged at the exchange a bit as well...

This time next month, I am overjoyed to say, i will have my car paid off finally! The past few weeks the only real happiness has come from the knowledge that my finances are being settled...in preparation of the great transition...just eleven months as of today. Wahoo!

My personal life has been rather boring as of late. The rainy weather doesn't allow for many outdoor activities so i haven't been able to dive, or mountain bike, or just enjoy the outdoors...and trying to save a few bucks, I haven't gone out either.

Something I've realized in the last few days...all my lj friends (with rare exceptions) are women. I just don't find many male journalers interesting...or perhaps I just don't want to meet male journalers...i dunno. It makes me feel...odd...like I'm somehow a weird pervert or something. I've never really wanted to chat with men or read about men's lives. Maybe it's because I can't identify with the persona of most men. Maybe it's because i just don't like most men's perspectives. Maybe it's just because I'm lovesick and still hoping to make a connection through the net. Probably it's more just I'm more comfortable speaking my mind with women...that whole "machismo" thing doesn't really fit with most of my thoughts. I can't really say.

I like being a man. Don't get me wrong. I don't wish I was a women. I'm not afraid of thinking what I think, feeling what I feel, or expressing any of it...just...i don't feel i have much of an audience with my true self around men...particually men that are seeking their next lay or thier next girlfriend. I don't feel comfortable whining about my isolation or my built up walls around men. I suppose there's a part of me that is just afraid of the perception I'll receive in such circles.

Lately there's been a small voice in my head...it's asking me if I really want to settle down back in california. It's asking me if I don't want to really keep traveling, keep seeing the world. It's asking me if my reasons for going back are really because I'm a "mama's boy" and cavign into pressure from my family. This little voice begs me to consider just how much i really want to have my family around the corner, ALL the time...

It's not a hard voice to quiet. I tell it that I have so many more reasons for wanting to go back...that even though family is one of the biggest reasons, it's not the only big reason. There's the SF music scene, the sierra nevadas, the pacific coast line. There's the redwoods and christa and building equity. There's the possibility that Dan may move out there with me. There's the possibility of being comfortable to establish a serious relationship with a women and to even get married. There's the certainty of FINALLY going back to college and getting my undergraduate degree...and then going to law school.

I have trouble imagining myself as a lawyer. Just as I never saw myself in the service, I can't picture myself as a lawyer...it's just one of those things I never dreamed of doing...

yet at the same time, I see it as my "destiny". I see how perfectly suited I am to it. I see how being a paralegal will never be enough for me...not fullfilling enough. Some might call it a "respect" issue and i admit that is part of it. Everytime I delve into the ancestral history, I see MIT graduates, famed paramedics, wine makers, doctors, lawyers, police officers...Everything about my family name screams ambition...

I never pictured myself as being ambitious. I always thought I would be content with a simple, unadorned life...but I am beginning to see that I've only been kidding myself. I work hard. I put myself, body and soul, into what I do. When I joined the service I never wanted to just do my time and get out. I wanted to be airborne. I wanted to deploy and see "action". I wanted to have excitement and adventure. I even wanted to be infinitry. I even wanted to go to ranger school at various times. Coming to an SF unit was a dream come true. If I didn't have so many reasons to get out I would be training even now to go Special Forces Assessment and Selection.

I want to live a meaningful life. I have ambitions to be a powerful figure in this world, someone that helps others, that does good, that makes a differance...I even want some time in the spotlight. I want to go to my ten year high school reunion and say "hey, look at me! I'm SOMEBODY!"

I crave the respect and admiration of those around me. I feel like I am better than those simpletons I see wandering this life. I feel like I have abilities and skills that I have to put to good use.

I am proud of my life. I'm proud of where I've been and what I've done. I'm proud of my service in the US Army. I am proud of what I am capable of. I am proud that I don't just wander this world as a zombie, or a lamb. I am proud that I have these kinds of thoughts, and I am proud that I am unafraid to write them for the world to see. 

current mood:  thoughtful
current music: Neil Young _Are you Passionate?  

Previous

Next

My Earthly Shell home