| Saturday, September 28th, 2002
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12:05a - "Right now" VH Grrrr I want to see her, hold her, touch her, smell her RIGHT NOW! damnit! Everday plays out like the day before. five or six times a day everything in my brain just...stops. She takes over. and all i want is everything she is. all i want is to sacrifice all that i have. all i want is all that i do not have. Too much of me is wrapped up in her, and yet i would have it no other way. Too much of me is afraid of her, of our meeting, of us, yet i would have it no other way. I feel like I've waited my entire life for her, that every even *semi* major decision I have made in my life has been subconsciously to bring her into focus. In all my life there has been nothing I have wanted like I want her in my arms. My recurring daymare of thought is that this will end, that i will be left questioning myself, my feelings, my love. I wonder, daily, if she is something I have invented, a non entity that exists mostly in my perfect little fantasy world, with only the shell of reality to ground her to Earth. In my life there are now two categories, of thought, of action, of reality. They are a) katrina, and b) everything that distracts me from katrina. I am dead serious. There are times in my day where, for no good reason, my chest constricts and i get this tingly feeling. It happens everywhere, at work, in the car, underwater. It is these moments where I know this "thing" is meant to be... and yet it is in times that I am not talking with her that I analyze it...we call it "the possibility"...is it something I want just because I'm tired of waiting? Is it something she wants because she's just been hurt so many times before? Are we just co-dependent? Is it desperation (conscious or not) and not true feeling? But then why does she know of the Devlins, have heard their music, and LIKE them? Why is it that I constantly make her smile with my own introspection? Why is it that she grew up in and loves washington, a state and a state of mind that I have often felt i belonged in? Why is it that she is *exactly* my type physically? Why is it that she says I am the most attractive man she has ever had something with..., when I usually consider myself a troll? Why is it that I can say *ANYTHING* (and have just about already said *everything* even slightly controversial) and not fear her reaction? Why is it that i find myself more full of hope for the future than I have been...ever? Why is it that everytime she smiles, I feel it in my soul? Why is it that my eyes are forever turned to the east? Why is it that I am proud of her life in a way I have never been proud of another friend? Why is it that our chat log is 140 single spaced pages already? Why is it that everyday I wonder what more we could *possibly* have to discuss, and even still we each find ourselves WILDLY entertained by one another? Why is it that we just...mesh? because it's meant to be. that's all there is to it, damnit...janet. three more weeks. just three more weeks and... current mood: missing katrina
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