1:19p - A man, a procession of colors, and a cat 
Click here to see a pissed off looking man in green, a gorgeous kitty, and a procession of colors at the okinawa army-navy game.

I wasn't really angry...it just looks that way. 

current music: Audioslave 

tahiriwolf 
2002-12-13 20:25
You did look very serious! :D And what a gorgeous, gorgeous kitty! Is she the one you're adopting? Just beautiful. And she's a book lover! Can't go wrong with taste like that. ;D

rainingvodka 
2002-12-13 21:05 
Aye. that's the kitty sitting on my bed this very moment, recovering from a morning of mischief whilst i ran errands. I liked the book thing too...i was thinking of captioning something like that :)

oddharmonic 
2002-12-15 20:23 
You're cute, even when scowling. Heh.

I <3 your kitty. Does she have a sister? *smirks*

rainingvodka 
2002-12-15 20:45 
bah!

and no. sorry. no sister. or brother. only child (as far as I know anyway)

taliana 
2002-12-18 09:05 
*grin* you did look awfully pissed :)

and abigail is just adorable. *sigh* I want your cat. :) Or a cat, for that matter. 
 

(Originally posted as a privaty entry for my eyes only)

6:13p 
visited her LJ again tonight. I'm sure now that she is going to say goodbye. She can't forgive the past and give me a chance for the future. She wrote in one of her recent entries something along the lines of "finally thinking with my head and not my heart". 

I don't blame her for this. I don't know that i would be of a different mindset. I just wish she would fucking tell me she's made up her mind instead of dragging it out. The longer she waits, the more I realize that I cannot accept her inability to face her problems (with me at least) head on. If we were to remain friends I can only see this frustration being repeated. It puts a knot in my stomach nonetheless. Knowing what would happen does not help settle me into happiness.

Yes...i know about her. I don't know her. The time she's taken to deal with my problems is an aspect of her gives me a bit of insight into her heart...and I don't like it. I don't like it one fucking bit. Someone that flies halfway around the world to see you...whether crazed or not...that shows a measure of something that deserves a bit of attention and not such a stand offish approach. 

Yes...I told her "goodbye for now." In that light, as I believe i did once before in an email I've since deleted, I've given her the A-OK to drag it out. Just like you don't know her...she doesn't know you enough to know you confront your issues head off and cannot tolerate dancing around the subject...whether in a stable mindset or not. 

(Originally posted as a privaty entry for my eyes only)

8:46p 
Sent 14 Dec, 8:45PM

It occured to me tonight that I didn't phrase my thoughts correctly in my last IM a week and a half ago. I felt so rushed and didn't take the time to phrase it right. I'm still having problems doing that with you I think. I think the cornerstone of my problems is that I don't know who you are Katrina. I thought I did, and based on those thoughts, I thought I loved you. What's even worse is I thought you knew me. I thought my journal was enough for you to know me to my core. I thought you knew me to my core and liked me anyway. I thought that because of that you could forgive me and still want me in your life to some degree.
I wrote "goodbye for now" because I know you need your time to settle yourself over me. I didn't write it because I wanted it to be my final goodbye...although I should have. I should make my final goodbyes because it is probably better that way...for both of us...as much as it hurts to say.
I always try to face my problems head on. I don't like to dance around the subject. I thought you knew that...but you could only know that by knowing who I am. That's why I am writing this. That's why i couldn't stop trying to explain...That's why I've already written countless letters and emails that I've either deleted or burned. With the way my head has been working...everything I've said has come out hideously deranged.
The only me you came to know was the abusive man I turned into...the man I am attempting to forever remove from my pysche...and i see that now. 
I say above that I *thought* I loved you. I said it because I just don't know if I CAN say I love you. I'd like to. I'd like to believe in love at first sight..but I don't think I'm capable of loving someone I don't truly know, at least, not with the way I am right now in my life. Jen was 100% dead on when she wrote that. It was also totally unrealistic of me to ask you if you wanted to love me. How can you *want* to love? even someone you DO know? You either do or you don't. 
I tried to control you Katrina. That is blatantly obvious to me now. What I'm about to say is not an attempt at controlling you...it's just...i could really use a general time date...sometime in the future where I can fix in my mind that you will tell me where you are at. If it were up to me I would say after i've finished my attempted thru-hike...but it's not up to me. If you want to tell me earlier...that's up to you. If you want to tell me goodbye, right now, based in part because I have sent you yet another email...that's up to you as well. If you took my "goodbye for now" as my final goodbye...
then that is probably for the best.

I just...I miss you.

I don't know if you got your real birthday present yet...not the malacious email I sent, but the actual tangible gift. I don't know if there will be anything in that package will indicate it's origin. I just wanted you to know so you wouldn't be left guessing...so you can burn it or whatever you would like to do...the wolf, from the "adopt a wolf program". It was supposed to arrive no later than last week (6-8 weeks for delivery they said).

I don't know what you've still got of my malicious emails or chat logs. I deleted everything off my computer many weeks ago because i've been in so much pain over what I did. I think it could help my counselor help me though...if you could send me whatever might be left I would really appreciate it.

I hope christmas season is going well and you're really racking up the comissions. I also hope your christmas as a whole is well.

-glen

11:32p 
damnit. i hate being tired and completely unable to sleep regardless. Abigail is so adorable. She's curled up on my thrashed bed covers right now. 

11:56p 
oh yeah. i got TWELTH ROW PJ tix for Sendai this morning. go me! WAAAAAAAAAY better than the tix for Toyko and Osaka!

isn't there a study or something that shows staring at computer monitors makes it hard to sleep? I should probably turn this thing off and go read...

sigh

I hate reading when I'm tired though. You invariably have to go back and reread everything because you didn't really get it...

and I'm reading that Pynchon novel. Pynchon, who introduces characters completely unrelated to the plot just so you can see the real storyline through their eyes...

it's a wonderfully refreshing idea but just...it makes it fucking hard to keep everything straight...and tired? bleeeeeeegh.

double sigh.

I've had almost two packs today and I'm still going. Maybe that has something to do with my insomnia? I already took a couple motrin cuz I know I'll wake up in a bad way cuz of it...

that's assuming I ever get to sleep. 

Maybe I ought to get in my car and drive way up north...find a nice secluded spot where I won't hear cars and motorcycles whizzing past, and record birdies singing songs at dawn. Haven't done that in a long long time. 
 
 

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