| Monday, December 16th, 2002
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Originally posted as a private entry for my eyes only) 1:17p
Why can't I help but feel her indecision means there isn't enough to build anything on? Why can't I help but feel cheated by what seemed an outpouring of emotion at the onset but rapidily turned into a stand offish "I'll deal with you when I feel like it". Why does it even matter to me so much what she decides? If I don't love her and never did like I'm beginning to think, why can't I just say goodbye and be done with her? Why does it torture me so to wait? If this hope hurts so most, then why do I cling to it? Am I still so obsessed with her that I'll endure any amount of pain just for a chance at friendship? If basic friendship going to ever be enough? Even if she does want to be my friend...can I accept that is all she will ever amount to? Would this be easier if I was back in the states and had other women to set my eyes on? Is all of my pain intensified by my lonliness? Probably. What do I gain by having her as a friend? How does it make my life any better? Is it just because of my lonely, boring nights that I feel i need her to light up? Do i just miss having someone...anyone, to talk with so easily every night? Is it possible that I really, truly DO love her...even with all her flaws, even hardly knowing her...is it possible that I love her regardless? Why can't she release me from this torture, one way or another? Is she so disturbed by all this that she is shell shocked? god damnit...why can't I just say fucking goodbye? current music: Tori Amos _from the choigirl hotel_
(Originally posted as a private entry for my eyes only) 10:48p
and i enjoyed being alive. I'll give it a few more days and see if i can stomach her indecisiveness
any longer. If not...i'll say goodbye. If I have to put her past me and
forget her to be happy with my life...that's what I'll do.
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