April Bown.  It's been months since my last entry.  So much has changed, yet so much remains the same.  I saw her today, tonight, again, again.  I was eating, and I don't think she saw me.  yet I do think so.  How much can I say, how much need I say.  I know what the past was, no need to torture myself with, yet i do.  Walking here, storming here, my thoughts dwell on it.  Our past, my past, her past-the past.  One night, I had one night, and that night was long ago, so long, long ago.  How could I forget?, yet I did.  I will again, until next I see her, but now, now everything floods back-the dance, the spa, Joe, that night with Nish and the incident...How can I pretend not top be affected by the sight of her?

Nervous, edgy, unsure of myself, uncomfortable.  Why do I feel this way around her now?  Am I afraid of her thoughts, or mine?  AM i afriad of what was, or what is, or what is never goiing to be?  Do i regret the past, yes, maybe, I don't know.  Do I regret what willl never be, again, I am unsure.  I never know when it regards her, how can I?  She is the one mystery to me, the true mysytery-the one I shall most likely never solve.

I am here at school, this school, because of her, I realized this walking up to this computer lab-filled with a couple dozen others.  Is anyone reading this, I wondered a few minutes back?  What would THEY think?  Another love sick fool, I imagine they would surmise, but still, it's private...April Brown led me here, I remember promising her I'd be there for her.  Does she still need my protection, does she wants my arms again like the night of the dance, those years ago...Does she still even think about me?  did she ever think about me like this?  IS she too, uncomfortable, or does she just not bother with it?  Why is thought such a mess?  Why do I make it worse, sitting here, calling forth memory upon memory?  Why do I feel this (feigned?) helplessness, this despair, this end of all ends?  Why did I need to see here?  But then, how could I not?  I was driven here to this school for her benefit was one reason I thought.  How did I benefit her?  I am in need of the benefit.  Like "jobe" I feel trapped.

How long ago did I dream of her?  How long ago did this torment tear me up again?  Must it always be like this?  must I go through this cycle forever-forget her-go on with my frivilous life, seemingly carefree, happy, blissfull(?), then have it crash down.  Why, too, do I always make this deal over it?  Why can I not just accept things and move on?  Why is life a mess when I see her?  It was raining again, after several days of sun, and I stared at the rain, I pictured her, or rather, pictured beauty and her.  I couldn't relate the two at first.  I didn't find her beautiful then, did I ever?  The question rues me.  When we first met, i felt no such feelings, so why now?  Why did things turn into this mess of tangles and scandals of peace?  All I have are questions without answers, answers without questions.  None of them fit, none of them explain a thing.

Does she still...joe?  What happens with them?  Does she still whatever?  Why do I care?  was she ever a part of me, a part of my life other than a desire to have what I could not?  Has any woman been a thing I couldn't have?  What is love to me, for the only thing close is this infatuation over what I knew I could not have.  I only liked the girls in HS that I couldn't have, and, later, realized I really didn't want.  Kelly comes to mind, as does some other girls whose names are neither important nor even recallable.  Does any of that matter?  I saw her there, for a brief second, and my cursed fate had brought my table next to hers.  I had inadvertantly left my backpack near her table, on another.  And so I ate, not looking at her, hoping she would recognize me and say something. I couldn't  bring myself to say hullo on my own.  I had seen her once, given my add and phone #, but I knew she wouldn't call or stop by, and she hasn't.  Why then would tonight at the cafe dinner be any different?  Why do I even wonder?  What is this feeling I hold for her, why does it trap me so? I do not feel a desire to be with her, physically or mentally, or do i?  This struggle centers on that, and if I could answer that question, i would be done, over, finished.

But no, that is not the answer.  Even if I answered the question, her mere existance would torture me.  She is a link to my past, a link to a vital part of my life, one I will never see or know again, and so nothing will change that fact.  I NEED hewr, but for what is the quesiton.  Is she something other than just a momento, something to keep and cherish as my past, or is she more?  Does she figure more importantly in my life?  I feel so calous when I say that.  The feeling is leaving me as I sit here.  Of course all the words I had thought walking up here have vanished, all the comments, the pain is slowly fading. Tommorrow I will seek again the lovely pain of tortured uncertainty, and the next few days will be as ash, but I will forget, and life will go on.  I only dwell here because I seek to, because it makes for good reading later in my life-for how else do I do this for?  To remember my past, and if it is boring i will not read.  How will I dwelve into my soul and thoughts if i cannot turn the page...but no, it DOES go deeper than that.  I not will trivialize April so I can have something like that to busy my days when I am old and gray and life is leaving like I feel April has left.  Therapy I guess, to help me forget. April Brown is not just part of my high school years past, she is perhaps the critical element of my youth, a transition-but to what?  She has come back-does it mean I cannot be complete----ahhhh, that is all bullshit. I don't believe that.  Tranistion---hahah hahaha.  I have changed, not due to her alone, but to everything that has happened.  Life is new, different.  Do I torture myself because she brings everything back, everyting I'd rather forget?  But I say i loved HS, is that not true on a subconscious level?  Did I really love HS, or is that just my pretty way of hindsight, of making the past seem better-the "good 'ol days" type of thing.  Am I already doing that?

At least I know elementary school was harsh-although the harshness is already lessoned in my eyes, even as I sit here I know that.  Love?  April Brown.  I try to connect the two, but I know not.  Nothing is there for me.  I do not want to love her, but do I want to?  A struggle I have invented, and I stress I have invented it I am sure-for nothing like this exists towards me in her soul..., is tearing me apart.  I cannot release myself from this pain.  IT is too cliched I guess to say anything about it, although cliche is not even what it feels(confsuing bit I do not understand I admit) Typing a million miles and hour I cannot possibly think straight enough. If I thought straight this whole night would be done-april would once again be gone, and I would go back to my self pitying life of lonliness.  I see april, and I think, once again, will I love?  or, more importantly, CAN I love?  is it possible that I am missing something.  Is this really love or infatuation.  this question will never be answered most likely.  i am a loner who has no hope of love, or is that true? Why is that?  Why am I not as active as say Grant-my first roomate here at school?  Why do I not know as many, or do as many things with people as he, or my new roomate michael from holland.  Oh what a tangled weave things they be when first I tend to see April Brown without me.

oh dear me what have I done?  I have sent the entierty of this entry(ending with the last paragraph) to a girl I have never met in person, a girl I traded tapes with once.  She goes to school in the midwest with Michael Guyman.  She used to date him, but doesn't see him much now.  well, noone have I told, until her, until now.  I need advice.  what should I do.  I must tell another, or another.  Maybe jaime, maybe robin?  what can I do.  But then I feel like, i don't know.  How can I tell a stranger, than tell my friends.  How can I, after all this time, tell me good friends like nothing made me do so before.  Plus, do I want to resolve this?  I don't want to see April again.  A knot forms in my stomach, a pain racks my thoughts as I picture seeing her again.  I cannot resolve this.  I am too weak, too weak to confront the issue head on.  Now, Instead of feeling better, I feel worse, what will val say? did I really want her, of all people, to know?

I sit here, listening to harvest moon, by neil young, the same cd we played in the senior ball limo that fatefull night.  I sit here, and I remember her, remember that night, remember everything.  Why, why do I remeber?  Why does she, of all people, have such a hold on me?  Is it becuase it is still unresolved?  It must be, but I am too cowardly to resolve it.  For over two years these thoughts have haunted me.  When she accepted to go to the ball, we were both doing it because we neither had another to go with and couldn't bear not going to our own senior ball.  I remember now I coulda gone with Denise Sauter probably.  She would would gone with me, I think she didn't have a date when I asked april.  I remember regretting that at first, becasue I would have rather gone with Denise.  I didn't love April then.  I didn't love Denise either-but I was at least infatuated with her (at least a little bit-maybe more lust than anything...god I was a horny teen!) Life is funny sometimes, truly funny.

neil young has had such an impact in my life, it's amazing :) course I don't think he'd have meant things this way to turn out-who would.  Why is life so interesting?

I'm at school now, HSU, in one of the computer labs writing this.  I am now into trading bootlegs tapes and have quite a large collection.  I went to see pj on 11/4/95-big long story about how I tried to go to san diego and see them there too, but i couldn't get tix, missed some school, broke down my car, saved by dad, etc. ect.

Feb 12: I had the WEIRDEST dream last night/this morning. I dreamt I wanted to go to boston for a night or so. (since I live in California, that's quite a trip-involving airplanes and such) That in itself wasn't too weird--much more just my nature (I tend to take long crazy trips on my own-like the time I took a 60 hourtrip to Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Disneyland, and back home, or the trip to San Diego for about 10 hours, etc. etc.) So, I grab my new credit card, hopng tix will be less than my $500 limit. Strange thing, the tic only ran about $50. Anyways, then, I'm in Boston. I need to leave, and I'm looking for the airport.  Well, I'm walking on this long, straight road, out of the mist, in pitch blackness, looking for the airport, when, all of a sudden, I kinda sketchy see a stoplight, then the airport.  Happy, I run inside to buy another tic. It was weird, tic counter right by waiting area. I buy a tic from some funny looking lady (another $50), and go to sit down in the cafeteria type waiting area. Well, I think I see Weird Al Yankovich. I go up to say hi, you know, "wow, you're weird al yankovich" and I start to say something.  Then, he draws his head up from underneath this funny cowboy like outback hat, and I see, it's not al, it's Cheech Marin. Surprised as hell, I say "Hey, you're not weird al, you're Cheech Marin. (cut and pasted from an email message to danielle-LaFors we were on the topic on strange dreams...)

um, let's see. tried to make a rock climbing club here at HSU but that didn't happen to well.  Got shitty grades last semester.  Dad got layed off, than went through a couple jobs he didn't like (after a few months long vacation...:) ) and finally he's working for despatch.  Alex and Leanne are getting married this summer.  Mom changed her work location-same bank, different office (just recently-feb 12) I'm going to see B*U*S*H on march 13 in San Jose. Maybe see them march 14 in sacramento-not sure bout that one yet.

um, in eng. club-asst editor for eresa messenger-newsletter for club. applying to be LGA next year here at school.

taking a writing class this semester for my writing minor (turned my first story into the class for peer evaluations last tuesday night-gonna get the discusion of it this tuesday-expecting a gruelling, but it should be good to get feedback on my writing- serious feedback from other writers! :)
book still not published-haven't worked on it at all. Homeless at home fizzled-haven't touched that either.