April's sister is dead.  She died in a car accident on June 16.  April was driving when they were sideswiped by a truck.  I've known for two weeks, but still have not talked to April about it.  Part of me is afraid too, afraid that I am unwelcome, and that I would only make things worse by showing up in the wake of Holly's death-stirring up what I have now taken as strong feelings towards me, either of confusion and aversion, hate, love, I don't know.  I am also afraid that by showing up, I would learn exactly how April feels towards me-that it would be bad.  I had a dream last night, in which I finally was able to see her (I have tried a couple of times in the past two weeks, without success), and she scorned me.  I rang the doorbell, and when she opened the door, she slumped against the wall, pain and anguish on her face-I was just now tempted to say beautiful, a sure sign that I still have feelings for her, if nothing else is already.  A few seconds later, after a moan of desperation it seemed, she bequethed me, "Glen, go away."

"What is it," I said in the dream, "Did I do something, did I say something?" Then the dream faded, or I remember no more-either way...It was not a pleasant dream, not at all, only furthering my desire to stay away.  The last time I went to see her, as so on as I got back into Antioch on Saturday, I actually hoped that she would not be home, so I could truthfully say, if I ever saw her again on any terms, good or bad, that I had tried to see her, tried to be a friend and help her through what must be trying times.  Now, though, it is hard to think about trying to see her.  I don't want to call-being this long since I talked to her or saw her, the phone doesn't seem right to communicate my thoughts and feelings, too unfeeling, too mechanical.  I want to see her in person, console if I can, or, at least learn the truth of our "relationship", whether I should try to avoid her as I keep feeling she has done to me.  Right now is just a mass of confusion as far as that goes.  It's hard to decide what is the right thing to do.  I want to see her, but I don't know if I should.  We were good friends once, and that means something to me, that says to me that I should go to her, and help her in what muist be her time of need.  However, I don't know if our friendship still exists in her eyes, and that means I should not make things worse by showing up, assuming incorrectly that it still did.  I know April, or at least I like to think I once did, and that could very well just make things worse for her.  Everything hinges on whet her she would want to see me or not, and based on my heart, I think she would.  Based on my intellect, however, and the evidence I have collected, I think she would not. It's truly a qunadry, which is why I write so much about the same exact thing-trying to work through it.  Right now, I want to go, but 8:00 seems to late to just stop by.  As stated, I don't want to call either, which means I should wait until after work tomorrow, but every day I wait is another strike against me.  Perhaps she did want to see me, or that seeing me would help, but now, after I have not shown up, things have changed.  I know she will not make the first step.  I would have received notice of the funeral by now if she would have made the step-the funeral which I strongly believe has already taken place-perhaps even just this Saturday, when I stopped by.  Whatever else, I know that if I do not stop by, I am not the friend I thought I was, and not the friend I wish to be.  Thus, with those parting words, I am decided.  At the risk of all I fear to occur, my heart replaces my intellect, and perhaps none too soon.